AND that will remain a Dream Pep!

Update here: Got home and pretty much avoided WH - he had dinner cooking & had picked a bottle of wine up for me.

What is that all about?????

I could barely look WH in the eyes & really no conversation. After dinner I went upstairs to change so I could run a quick errand. WH came up and said "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Me: "No, not really. I don't really have anything different to say. My position is still the same."

WH: "Did you talk to OWH again after we talked?"
ME: "This is not about me and my actions. If this is going to turn into a conversation like that, then I really don't have anything to say.:
WH: "Well I just don't understand why you contact him. What are you trying to do?"
ME: "I am doing what I feel like I need to do based on your actions. I am trying to save our Marriage."
WH: "What you are doing is having the opposit effect. It only makes OW want to be with me more and makes me want to be with her more. And it makes you look bad and OWH starts acting like a lunatic again."
Me: NO COMMENT
WH: Starts into the whole story about how OWH knew about the A before I exposed and how their M was over way before then. OW was planning on leaving him a long time ago. I just made "it worse" by throwing the A in OWH's face with my exposure.

WH: "The only reason I can think of you contacting OWH is b/c your malicious and are trying to make OW's life miserable."
ME: "If this is going to turn into you belittling me and verbally abusing me then this conversation is over. I have had enough of you doing that & I will not stay in here and listen to it."
WH: "Well, I don't want to make you cry. Unlike OWH I don't enjoy seeing you cry."
ME: "You could have fooled me."

That's the jist of the conversation. I stood firm and stood my ground. I told WH that if he chose to not commit and work on our M then that was just too bad and very sad. That we had 13 years of M together filled with great times and memories and had an awesome future ahead of us to be filled with even more memories. I said I stand firm that I know we can work through this.(I WASN'T CRYING NOR BEGGING, JUST STATING MY POSITION FIRMLY)

I told him that all I asked of him was respect for me and respect for our 13 years together. And that meant No Contact. That would be the way to work through this. He responded that he "tried" and that the "feelings" just weren't coming back.

One thing I learned not to say: "I married you for better or worse." That didn't go over to well.

Oh, and OW loves to toy with her H. WH told me that when OWH confronted OW about the text message she said "Yeah, I asked WH to come out and meet me at a hotel." That's cruel. Her TM said "Thinking of U.".

WH told me that and started laughing. I believe he and OW got a kick out of that. I said that I was glad he found that amusing. He stopped laughing and I just looked at him. He said no, its not. I said Yeah, the past 4 months have not been amusing at all.

OW sounds like a real gem.

WH came to me for a hug as he went off to bed. How sweet.

So, I did o.k. tonight. A few tears, but overall I was strong.

Makes me feel almost like putting of Plan B. ALMOST, BUT NOT!!!

Kim

Do you see how he is trying to make you feel like you are the BAD GUY for calling the OWH? He is hoping he can manipulate you into feeling guilty so he can use it as weapon against you. He thinks this works in keeping you under control.

Kim, it is time for Plan B. Your H is destructive by being flagrant and mean about his affair. He wants to have you BOTH and will continue to tortue you until you remove yourself from this nightmare. He is not even bothering to hide it anymore.

You did good Kim, be proud that you stood up for yourself. WS's are such fools, finding humor in the pain they inflict. Try to get some rest, there are tough days ahead.Seems like WH is making ita little easier being such a jerk.

Ready to get his attention?

Write your Plan B letter....

let us take a look

he's got to go soon.... he's enjoying breaking up 2 marriages?

You need to go to Plan B soon so you won't be witness to any more of his cruelty

he's turning mean

be VERY careful

have you secured finances?

talk to an attorney make sure H can't clean out the bank

So, I will ask him to move out in the next couple of days. I said I was ready emotionally, but the truth of the matter is that I am most likely going to be a basketcase.

Can you believe that when I came home he wanted to go over with me some info about refinancing the house? New 30 year mortgage. Lower our payments, etc. He might be wanting to do that b/c my name is the only one on the mortgage right now.

Kim

Yep, WH can't take responsiblity for HIS actions. Has to blame me. Well, I won't allow it anymore. I believe that came up in the conversation too.

Confused - Thanks, I do need to rest. I am completely worn out at this point. Have not been sleeping and have been crying too much. Will try to get to bed early for a change.

Pep - My Plan B letter is posted at on the first page of this thread. I did model it after the one in SAA with a couple of modifications. Let me know what you think.

WH & I have separate checking accounts. He cannot access my account.

Kim

So are your finances secure?

Do you mean am I financially stable or can WH dip into my funds???

I do have some outstanding debts, but if I get into $$ trouble my sister's family will help me. Also, if I ask my Dad will loan me some $$. I hope it doesn't come to that.

No, WH cannot dip into my funds.

Kim

Well, that is good.

Does the OW have any children?

Yep, they have two children. Age 11 and 4 I think.

Kim

So their plan is that she and your husband move in together with the two kids, and live happily ever after?

Hmmm....I don't think she is going to get the kids. OWH seems to be the type who is not going to allow that.

I don't know if WH has thought through that he is going to be "daddy" to two more. He did not want kids in this M.

Kim

oh dear, so OW will have to give up the kids? hmmmmmmm

{{{{{{{{KIM}}}}}}}}}}} I am so sorry, hon. It will get better, I promise!

It seems to me since the OW is beaten regularly by her husband (sure she is), that she would have good grounds to get the kids away from him. All she has to do is document how badly beaten she is.

Tell your husband that one of your on-line friends thinks he is the biggest fool she has ever seen.

Or does OW have another story to explain leaving her kids with the abuser?

And of course, she will have to pay child support to the abuser. Hope she has a great job.

I trust that it will get better. I feel o.k. this morning. Much better than yesterday. I know I have lots of rough road ahead still......I can do this.

Since OW did not document a darn thing as far as "beatings" are concernec and never filed a police report, she doesn't have a shred of evidence. I know she supposedly went to the doctor, but she would not tell them injuries were due from abuse.

So, my thinking is that since her H has evidence about the A she most likely won't get the kids. I guess she didn't think that one through very well at all. Too bad for her.

Job??? Nope, not a good job at all. That will really irritate her having to pay child support to her abuser.

I do have a question this morning: I just don't understand this one. WH is telling me that it is pointless for me to contact OWH. That their Marriage is over. It does no good. Then why does WH continue to threaten to leave me if I contact OWH???? If it doesn't matter anymore and doesn't make a difference to their M why does WH still get so upset when I do that?

I don't understand why he should care.

Kim

Thanks ML and Believer for your posts!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kim, just think back for a minute. He has changed his story about why you shouldn't contact the OWH over time. At first it was a) he already knows, b) he beats her,[which never happened], c) they are divorcing.

The story just keeps changing but his fear of contacting him never does. And I will tell you why. It is because whenever you contact the OWH it causes huge trouble in the affair and he doesn't like that. Either way, Kim, make sure he knows that you FULLY INTEND on staying in touch with the OWH. For some strange reason he has been able to manipulate you into feeling guilty for this and HE IS USING THIS AS A WEAPON AGAINST YOU. Do you see this happening, Kim?

Did the OWH tell you that he is getting divorced?

Do you think your H is a good judge of what is helpful in saving your marriage? He is the one who is actively trying to destroy your marriage with his affair, so wouldn't he be the last person who is qualified to say so? And if it "does no good" then why is he so scared of you calling the OWH? If it "does no good," then there shouldn't be a problem.

But, he knows that it does a lot of good for you, but not for him because it causes great conflict in the marriage.

Good Morning MelodyLane!

I have noticed too that WH just can't keep his story straight. I guess he figures if one reason doesn't work for me to not contact OWH he will try another one. WH was surprised to find out from me that OWH contacted me first this time.

I don't, know OWH could possibly be digging for more info to make his case when he and his wife divorce. I asked OWH in an e-mail if they were divorcing. His reply was:

"Based on the continuation of the relationship!!????????"

I took that as a yes.

I do see that WH is trying to manipulate me. He is trying his darndest to keep me "under control". If OWH & OW are divorcing, his reason could be to help protect her from more "incriminating" evidence.



ML do you mean it causes "good" great conflict in my & WH's M?

Oh, & he still wants to talk about refinancing....I am going to start a thread on that as I am baffled with this.

Kim