I discovered this site shortly after my discovery of an A that happened a long time ago. Many have probably seen parts of my story and the anguish that all BS's go through after D-Day. Mine was not much different even though many years had passed since A ended. First I want to thank everyone who helped me through this a start my recovery. It is some consolation to read what others have experienced and how they handled different situations. I know that there are new people on this site everyday so I wanted to list out some things that I would advise for all WS/BS to focus on after D-Day.

For all WS's

1) Make sure that you both have read all the material here especially the articles on Radical Honesty. Without Radical Honesty there cannot be the building stones for a solid new relationship. Nothing can be withheld from the BS if they want to know because that is how that they can begin to understand why the A happened and what part they played in creating the environment that caused the A.

2) Don't try to protect them by withholding information that you don't think is relevant. Let them decide what is relevant and let the cards fall where they may. It has been stated many places that more than 70% of marriages affected by an A survive and become better. But in order for that to happen, the BS will need some assurance that you can honestly express your feelings to them.

3) Don't expect the BS to just jump for joy when you have told them everything. The road to recovery is long and bumpy. The more bumps you can get across early in the process the easier it is for the BS longer term.

4) Try to understand how they feel. The betrayal, the deceit, and the emptiness is a whole so big that a train can drive through it. If they love you and can accept their part of the responsibility and learn how to meet your EN's and vice versa, the A may just be a wake up call. I am not sure that I could have/would have changed without the pain that I had to endure with my FWW's A. The best thing you can do for them is to be there when they need you.

For BS's

1) Control the anger and the LB emotions that are natural for you to feel when you discover the betrayal. LB's will set back the recovery. You will feel much better if you make a conscious effort to meet all your spouse's EN even if they are not ready to meet yours yet. If the M survives, you are the savior, if not you know that you have done all you could do.

2) Don't be afraid to ask for whatever information you need to know. I got good advice on this site when someone told me that I determined what info I needed to know, not my FWW. Don't focus on the gory details, just get the information that will allow you to understand why the A happened in the first place, signs that were there that you missed or overlooked, and what you have to do to keep it from happening again.

3) Don't expect things to be smooth sailing after the D-Day. If the A has already ended and both of you are already committed to making the M work when D-Day arrives, you will probably have a honeymoon. But you have to work everyday to continue to fill up the love bank to the point that your recovery is complete. That will take some time and be ready for some setbacks....they will come and you will question if you have made the right moves to commit to the M. However, from experience, the byline of one of the posters here says "the first cut is the deepest". That is so true. It is hard not to dwell on the knowledge that you gain but if additional facts are discovered later even though they may be just as painful, you will be able to move on quicker than before.

3) Resist the temptation to make a setback even worse by throwing in judgements or other love busters in the moment. The goal is to keep moving in the right direction. Rebuilding a marriage after an A is an evolution, not a revolution. It takes time and there will be some mistakes made in the process, but three steps forward and one back is still getting you the direction that you need to go.

4) Seek counsel in anyplace that you can find. MC and IC for both are almost a must. Read the bible, even if you don't normally do that. There is a lot of stories and parables in the Bible that show that forgiveness is possible and that if each of the partners can accept their responsibility and be remorseful, God will forgive. If he can forgive, so can we.

5) Make sure that you eliminate any possibility for additional contact in the future. You have to set the boundaries both for your FWS and the OP. If you do this through exposure and NC letters, you will feel empowered.

Thanks to everyone here for their part of my being able to move away from D-Day and begin the recovery process.