My IC gave me this to read.

Is this real life?

Is this that I have to do to be happly married?

Comments and opinions please.

The document is taken from an excellent book called The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle. I did a women's group awhile back using this book as a source and this is a summary of the concepts.....the handouts we used for the group. Thought you might enjoy it also.....if you are interested, you can pick up the book at any bookstore How to Be An ACCEPTING Wife

BASIC PRINCIPLES
o Relinquish inappropriate control of your husband
o Respect your husband’s thinking
o Receive his gifts graciously and express gratitude for him
o Express what you want without trying to control him
o Rely on him to handle household finances
o Focus on your own self-care and fulfillment

TRUST
Somewhere in our past, we embraced the belief that if we were always in charge, things were more likely to go our way. We tell ourselves that we are trying to instruct, improve, help others, or do things efficiently—but all of these justifications are merely elaborate covers for our inability to TRUST OTHERS.

o Trusting is magical because people tend to live up to our expectations
o To trust someone means we put our full confidence in them
o Trusting someone means we anticipate the BEST outcome—not the worst

Those of us who have trouble trusting others when every rational indicator says that we are safe are reacting to our own fear. If you do not react to your fear of the outcome, you don’t need to try to dominate, manipulate, or control it.

Fear is often a conditioned response developed to hide our own vulnerability because we come to believe our softness is unattractive. By choosing control over vulnerability, we do so at the expense of intimacy because control and intimacy are opposites.

You aren’t responsible for all the problems in your marriage. You only have the power to change yourself—NOT him!

RESPECT
In nature, water seeks its own level: similarly, we marry men who match us. This means that respecting your husband is also a form of self-respect: It’s a way of acknowledging that you made a wise and thoughtful choice to marry a man who deserves your love and esteem.

o RESPECT means that you accept his choices, big and small, even if you don’t agree with them.

o Avoid the “I was just trying to help” syndrome. Superiority is unattractive, as is the “mother complex”. It is not sexually desirable.

o MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

o Don’t spend your energy trying to get your husband to do something he doesn’t want to do

o Don’t ask permission to do things for yourself. Just express your desires succinctly and directly. Then leave them there without the need to justify, explain, or give instructions on how to have those desires fulfilled.

o Knowing what you want and being willing to express it are the purest ways of being true to yourself, which is a very attractive quality. The alternative to being direct is being manipulative, which is totally unappealing. By ignoring our own desires, we become resentful, and that’s UGLY.

o Sometimes we try to make our men guess what we want so we don’t have to acknowledge our own desires.

o Let your husband handle the finances. (See separate handout.)

o Accept your husband’s thoughtfulness good-naturedly and receive graciously.


MORE SUGGESTIONS

o Foster friendships with women. Female friends will talk tirelessly and compare notes about their husbands and their marriage. Women are generally more willing to delve into feelings than men are and can empathize in ways that are different from your husband.
o How can you tell when you’ve exceeded your husband’s ability to support or willingness to talk about something? You’ll know because you’ll feel frustrated when you bring up that topic. He’ll tune you out.
o Do your best to avoid giving him advice, even if he asks for it! Deflect the question by encouraging him to do whatever he thinks he should do.
o Letting him make his own decisions, without punishing him for making the “wrong” decision later, keeps you from taking on unnecessary worries, and restores his sense of power and masculinity—but only if you can resist taking them on again.
o He’d rather have your blessings than your opinion. By telling him what you THINK, you risk contradicting him. No matter how much he wants to know what you think, he wants to know that you approve of what he thinks MORE.
o WHEN to give your opinion—if your husband is asking for validation about something he’s done, give him the reassurance he requests. He’s not asking your advice, just reinforcement, so give it to him. Everybody needs that!
o Avoid setting up a negative expectation—Remember that how you see him influences how he sees himself. Treat him as though he is punctual, patient, tidy or successful and he will rise to meet your expectations.
o The more you act like things are going to turn out well, the more often they do.
o You manifest what you focus on, so when your husband’s actions (or lack thereof) make you nervous, act carefree, as if you believe the outcome will be good.
o If you tell him he is going to screw up, he probably will.
o Expressing negative expectations to your husband is not only potentially harmful, it is also a waste of breath—you never really accomplish anything with negative comments. People don’t tend to improve because you’ve revealed their obnoxious behavior to them. Most people tend to respond to positive reinforcement, trust, and respect.
o Act as if you have faith especially when you don’t—fake it till you make it. The more you act like you respect, trust and appreciate him, the more you’ll start to believe that he deserves that treatment, and the less you’ll worry about trying to run his life.
o If you can’t say something NICE, don’t talk. Acting in faith and being gracious doesn’t mean that you lie or betray yourself. It does mean finding the goodness in the situation even when the bad seems ten times as prominent. You can make the decision that something else—an intimate marriage—is more important than your fear that you’ll be embarrassed or let down by your husband.
o STOP READING HIS MIND—give him space to EXPRESS HIMSELF. Try to take your husband “for his word” even if he isn’t entirely convincing. Unless your husband tells you something directly, don’t assume it.
o When he’s in a FUNK, LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!
o Don’t expect too much intimacy from a man when you’ve invaded his space. He is so familiar with your expressions and body language that he can sense when your energy is all over what he’s doing. He can feel you breathing down his neck. He needs space to be independent. That’s true for anybody, and most especially true for a man.
o Abandon the myth of sameness. Don’t expect your husband to respond to marriage just like you do—his priorities are different.
o If your husband asks you to do something that will make you resentful, overtired, lose your dignity, or interfere with your self-care, set limits by saying—“Sorry, I can’t” in a nice way.
o Look for the HERO in your husband.
o Let down your guard. Intimacy and closeness spring from the relief of admitting you’re not perfect, and finding out that you’re still lovable. Intimacy thrives when you relax in your own skin—without having to be vigilant—because you know you’re safe.
o Tell him you miss him (rather than complain because he’s not there).
o Admit it when you’re hurt. When your husband says something hurtful to you, respond by saying “ouch” and then leave the room. When you don’t punish him for his comment by hurting him back, you preserve your dignity, and the potential for intimacy and peace reaches heavenly heights.
o Let your husband be the children’s father. Just because he has a different style doesn’t mean that he’s a bad dad. Children need exposure and experience with masculine energy. Trust the process.
o Children respect people you respect. If your child wants to complain about dad, it’s okay to listen, but you must maintain proper respect for your life partner during the conversation.
o Listen for the underlying messages your husband is giving you. For instance, if he is complaining about the time you spend cleaning at night, he’s really saying that he wants to spend time with you. Really listen to him. Let him know you heard by saying, “I hear you.”
o Seduce your husband with your manner, your scent, your body, and your voice. Don’t demand.
o Make yourself available for sex at least once a week whether you feel like it or not. And let him know what you like in sex. Take responsibility for getting yourself in the mood.
o Don’t attack your husband. If you feel the need to bring up an issue, do it in a non-threatening way, eliciting help with solutions.
o Let him solve some of your problems. Men are great problem-solvers. Utilize this resource.
o Never ask your husband how he “feels” about something, and don’t expect him to talk as much as you.
o Share negative thoughts diplomatically and with discretion. Express yourself, but don’t overwhelm him with your drama.



Relinquish the Chore of Managing the Finances

Giving up control of the money is scary because we see money as giving us a sense of security. In doing so, we are now vulnerable in depending on our husband to keep us safe and comfortable. You’ll have to trust him with all your might. In addition,
1. You’ll be relieved of the burden.
2. It will be like being on a perpetual date.
3. You’ll experience the generosity of your husband.
4. There will be more prosperity. When husbands have an immediate relationship with the finances, they feel the urgency to keep the coffers full and to earn more and provide well.

Here are the steps:
1. Merge your money. Pool the money into a joint checking account that he manages.
2. Make a spending plan.
o Predict your expenses based on what you usually spend and remember to be generous to yourself in your plan, especially for the first month.
o Tell you husband your want your spending plan money in cash.
o Don’t worry that your husband may not be able to afford your spending plan.
o Once you’ve developed a generous spending plan for yourself, the most important thing is to live within it.
o Revise you spending plan, as needed.
3. Put the checkbook down and leave it there. Tell you husband, “I can’t pay the bills anymore. I’m just too stressed and overwhelmed.” If you want, you can add that you feel he would do a better job with managing the money. Then:
o Do not explain how to balance the checkbook.
o Do not tell him which bills need to be paid.
o Do not offer any assistance at all unless he specifically asks you for help. (He probably won’t.)

If there are mistakes, your husband will correct them. Don’t be negative. Don’t complain. If the electricity is turned off, trust him to take care of it.
Taken from The Surrendered Wife (2001) by Laura Doyle

So what century was this written in? I think it's a bit overboard. Some of it is commonsense. Some of it is just being a nice person. Some of it is baloney. Alot of it could also be included in a The Surrendered Husband book.

First of all, I believe I can make as good of decision and handle money just as well as my husband. He actually abandoned most of these tasks to me early in our marriage. Each person has different strengths and abilities. Why not use a person's abilities wisely?

IMVHO, much of this is really hard to do in a relationship where trust has been broken. And sorry, if fluttering eyelashes must be done, count me out.

"Relinquish the Chore of Managing the Finances

Giving up control of the money is scary because we see money as giving us a sense of security. In doing so, we are now vulnerable in depending on our husband to keep us safe and comfortable. You’ll have to trust him with all your might."

Well, as a Christian woman, that is what I did. My WH was also has been a devoted Christian for 25 years, and very active in the church.

I will warn you that this is one of the problems that I have with my religion.

My husband has never been good with money. But when we got married, I let him handle all of the finances. We both worked for the government and had good jobs.

I had excellent credit before marriage.

My husband continued spending money on crazy things, and living way beyond our means. I was frightened about it, but trusted that I was being a good wife.

I won't go into all of the details, but now we have filed for bankruptcy. The year we filed we made over $100,000. I worked hundreds of hours of OT paying off credit cards, but he immediately ran them up again.

You might think we have a lot to show. Well, we helped out his kid's mom to the tune of about $30,000. but she is still homeless. We do have 6 motorcycles, including 3 Harleys, and 3 boats. We have a mobile home that we paid $3,000. for. That is it.

By the way, he also has gone through all of our savings and his retirement bonus - all spent on the OW.

So my opinion is that all of this is a bunch of CRAP. A wife can give this a try, but when there is overwhelming evidence that he is not capable, only an idiot would stick with it.

Amen

Thank God, there are some sane people out there I thought it was just me it rubbed the wrong way.

I think I'll look for a new IC

VTY

I'm just curious. What is your situation? I do believe that this is a good way to live in a Christian marriage, but the husband needs to prove that he is a good steward.

Often fundamental Christians assume that the husband should take care of the finances. I now believe that a wife needs to be a helpmate. Often the wife has better money sense than the husband.

In fact, my WH wrote me a letter last week, and told me he was sorry that I put so much effort in trying to keep our boat afloat, and it sunk anyway. He admitted that he is still living way beyond his means, and just is not a good money manager. Just so you know that this is not a one-sided observation of what went wrong.

I can say, as a man, that this approach would produce the maximum output - the maxium effort, - generally the best results from me. If a woman wants to the the most out of a man, this is a good approach.

Except, when I ask for an opinion, I always want an honest opinion - not evasion or the answer she thinks I want to hear.

-AD

More...

If your husband is an idiot, then telling him daily that he is an idiot will not cure him. But if he's not an idiot, then telling he is every day will certainly hurt him - and certainly make him a worse husband.

-AD

As for the finances, my mother handled them, but she and Dad had a way... hard to explain. She trusted his opinion, he trusted hers. He left things to her, but if he took some action, she supported him and made it work. He never had to ask if he could buy something. She would make it work - but he spent very little money on himself and his hobbies. She did the taxes.

My particular wife (a SAHM) left the finances to me - but she had the card and could buy when she wanted to - until I cut her off - after she signed up for $4K worth of braces on her teeth, and was scheduling another $16K of plastic surgery - while at the same time talking about divorcing me. Mostly she asked me for things rather than buy them herself, but the braces were something she asked for several times and I told her we could not afford. She went and did it anyway, and I cut her off. It didn't feel right - but it was neccesary at that point.

-AD

AD - HUH??? I have read most of your posts and have a lot of respect for you. But I don't get this one. If your husband is an idiot telling him won't cure him, and if he is not then telling him will hurt him????

So should a good wife just let the idiot handle the finances?

Idiots are very rare. A good wife should avoid marrying one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

And, from what I've seen, no matter how much the wife tells the spender husband that he has to stop, somehow he does anyway. So, all her angry efforts to educate him come to nothing in most cases. In short, nagging is ineffective. It doesn't work.

Trust works - not always, but more often than nagging. It's just a matter of playing the odds.

-AD

Oh, and I did say it would work for me - maybe not for every man, but definitely for me.

-AD

Believer,

I really feel for you. I know how that struggle feels. When a person understands, it is all so simple. Just live within your means - always. It's simple - and in the long run, it's impossible to do otherwise, so you might as well do it now.

-AD

AD - You are probably good with money. And I know not to marry an idiot again. I never did nag or complain about the way he spent money. But I should have.

My point is that a wife should NOT just go blindly along letting her husband take care of the finances, ESPECIALLY if their is evidence that he is running them into the ground.

b,

I think you're lifting one point out of the entire program. The overall theme is good - and would serve well in most situations. Unless you are going to make most of the money and give your H an allowance, he'll do what he wants anyway. So why not put it squarely on his shoulders? If you've read any of the divorcebusting stuff, you may have seen this. When one person in the couple is overresponsible, the other will become irresponsible. When the overreeponsible person lets go, the irresponsible person starts taking more responsibility. I see it now with my xw in her current situation. Sure, she makes financial mistakes (like paying $100 to have her passport expidited when she has no immediate travel plans), but fewer and fewer over time..

If you tell him you believe in him, he will not want to have to explain why the electricity was disconnected.

I see that I've make a mistate today. Sunscreen - even in September, is a good idea when working outdoors in Alabama in midday. It doesn't hurt, but I'm a redneck now, LOL.

-AD

Foster friendships with women. Female friends will talk tirelessly and compare notes about their husbands and their marriage. Women are generally more willing to delve into feelings than men are and can empathize in ways that are different from your husband.

I am surprised this book presents this idea...
for every nice comment or conversation I have heard about peoples husbands...I have heard 50 complaints and disrespectful put downs and dismissive comments about husbands....

women who complain about their husbands as if an olympic event to other people are toxic to their own marriage......

ark