Told wife last night that I loved her more than anything in this world, and that I understand how hard this is on her. I understood that she couldn't bring herself to actually file for the divorce, but that it was obvious that she was no longer committed. So I would go to the attorney this Friday and sign and file the papers on my own. My attorney would fax them to hers and we could just let them talk until the court date is set.

She seemed relieved. She woke up this morning, came into the bathroom and apologized for everything she has done. She said that I deserved better and that she just wasn't sure she wanted a divorce, but that she couldn't change her behavior, her heart just wasn't in it.

Called attorney today and made appointment.

I'm feeling down, so I may not post for awhile.

Thanks everyone for being there for me.

Mulan, Melodylane, Bob Pure, CarenMC, and everyone one else who have given me advise and input.

I know I was thickheaded sometimes.

God Bless and I wish all of you the best. I will return after I get my head on straight and work through this.

gt, I sure am sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> However, this might be the thing that wakes her up. I wish you the best and hope you stay around and let us support you through all this.

As Melody said, Grove, I do hope you will stay around, if only for your personal recovery. And because your W could well surprise you once she's *really* been without you for a few months. She has *no* idea what this is really going to be like. Deep down, she assumes you will always be there for her to fall back on, and she'll never believe she'll be without you until it stone-cold actually happens.

Good luck.
Mulan

Think about sticking around for awhile. This isn't an easy phase to get through either.

And besides, it isn't over til it's over.........

Oftentimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing...

Be well...

we're all thinking of you Grove.

But still take every day at a time and see what happens.

Carry on trying to take care of you too.

unhappy_badger

Thanks everyone.

The divorce announcement has made my wife more "loving", but I don't think it changes anything.

I'm moving forward with dread and doubt, but I know it is the right thing to do. (Ok, that's not true, I think it is most likely the only choice I have right now).

Take care . . .

WS,

I hate to do this in a letter, but it honestly doesn’t seem like you want to talk about anything that concerns our relationship and/or our future. I don’t know what you want. You seemed relieved the other day when I said that I will go ahead and file for the divorce. A side of me was hoping that you would break down and say please don’t do this that you would try to change, but after all that’s happened, I realize now that you have no plans to make any changes to help fix the damage that has been done to both of our lives and to our marriage.

You know how I feel, you know I love you, but you’ve chosen a path that I don’t think I can follow. I’m sorry for that, I truly am. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face; it’s been made harder by the fact that you’ve made me face it alone. For 21 of 22 years, you were my best friend and the light of my life. I will treasure the moments we shared, both the good and the bad. I have no regrets for the life I shared with you, I only regret that we got lost along the way and were unable to find our way back to each other. Maybe we’ll find our way back to each other again, if not now, who knows what the future holds.

I wish you joy and happiness, and I hope you find the life you deserve and all your dreams come true.

I will sign the papers and file for the divorce next Wednesday. That’s the soonest the attorney could fit me in.

I honestly can say that I hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for. I’m sorry that it wasn’t me.

Love,

GTO

GTO,
what you are doing takes a lot of courage. It's never easy to go through divorce. From my own experience it was the single most gut wrenching thing I've ever been through - by far.

Your letter to WS reminded me of that. Though I don't know you, I do know something of the pain and fear you are feeling.

But pain has a way of making you grow as a person, I believe. I know I'm a better man now than I've ever been.

And life, a very good life, goes on.

You will get through this.

ITB

One caution: Steve Harley advised you to file for divorce as a kind of extreme Plan B/bucket of cold water thrown in her face that *might* wake her up.

This letter will completely negate that.

It will entirely absolve her of all guilt and regret for becoming a WW. Trust me, she will read this as saying you are completely supportive of her and in agreement with what she is doing, and that *whatever makes her happy makes you happy, too.*

That's exactly what she wants. That's exactly the mindset that let her decide it was okay for her to be a married woman who has a boyfriend on the side in the first place, because the only thing that matters is HER happiness and no one else's.

If you want to tell her that it's okay for her to think of you as a permanent fall-back sugar daddy, someone she can always go back to when she's between boyfriends, then sure, go ahead and send it.

If you still hold out hope that the divorce action might yet recover the marriage, as SH suggested, then DO NOT send this letter.

Just my .02.
Mulan

Grove,

Quote:If you still hold out hope that the divorce action might yet recover the marriage, as SH suggested, then DO NOT send this letter.


I agree with Mulan 1 million percent.

Send that letter and kiss all hopes of R out the window.

Grove,

Your letter is pretty much exactly how I felt and what I conveyed to my WW prior to our separation. Actually I think I said some of those things word for word. I felt very similar.

As others mentioned if you are still trying for a last ditch effort at reconciliation this probably isn't the best strategy. Its probably best to keep this letter to yourself.

But if you are really intending on parting ways I think it is a gracious way of doing so and will help you move your life forward and help you leave some resentment behind.

Cheers,

Miker

GT, you are using the divorce card to wake her up, aren't you? I suspect she realizes this which is why you got no reaction. GT, you need to make a decision about what you want to do with your life and accept the fact that you cannot change her. I just don't believe you are anywhere close to accepting that and are just using this to try and ilicit a response and shake her up a bit. Am I right?

grove, I am sorry you are at this point. I have been away from the board for awhile. I have been dealing with my own situation.

I think that you are doing the right thing. I also agree that you are making a very BIG mistake if you give your wife the letter. I confronted my WW about coming clean on the PA or proving her innocence. Of course she refused and even told me that she was sick and tired of this and was getting an attorney and divorcing me.

She hired an attorney and I sat and waited to be served with papers. They never came so I thought that she had changed her mind. However, I checked her cellphone records and she was speaking to her attorney at least twice a week. I gave her a letter like you are thinking about and she took it as weakness and intensified her attacks.

I finally had enough so I hired my attorney and put her and her attorney on notice. I went and found the meanest female attorney in the state. She went beserk and I told her truthfully that I did not care anymore. I told her that she is not the person that I married so I had nothing to say to HER.

She then started being nice which I misread, She then approached me with a settlement proposal of what she wanted financially. I laughed and tore it up in front of her. I told her that there would be no settlement that did not include me being granted the divorce on the grounds of uncondoned adultery. I had my attorney follow-up on this with the same letter to her attorney. They think that I am crazy for wanting a public fight like this and my attorney and I want them to think this.

I do want that piece of paper to show everyone in this town and my kids at a later date when they are old enough to want to discuss what happened. Since then she has been extra nice. We still live in the same house. She knows that she is welcome to file whenever she wants and that I will answer back with all of the ****** that I can muster. I think that she and the in-laws are honestly scared. I do not know where this is going but I feel alive again. I feel like a man again. I have almost talked myself into filing first.

I think that you need to act like a man and file now. TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE. One thing that I have learned in life is to never say you are going to do something and then do not do it. You have told her that you are filing and you will always be her doormat to wipe her feet on if you do not. Forget about the letter. If she wants to be married then she will let you know before the divorce is finalized.

It will amaze you the respect that she will give once you act like a man and stand up for yourself. You will also be amazed at the respect that you will get back for yourself. My WW has threatened that she will move hours away with the kids if she gets custody. I cannot worry about that because that will be up to the judge and I cannot continue to subject my kids to what they are seeing now. That would be more wrong than anything else that is going on now.

I would file now but I am giving her rope and having her followed by a PI. My attorney said I stand a 50-50 chance of getting custody if she gets caught again. I have pictures of her drinking and talking to other men at a bar but do not have the jackpot yet. Why don't you get a PI to get pictures of her talking with the OM at work? Wouldn't hurt to see what is going on.

Wish I had a magic answer but I don't. You have played the divorce card so you HAVE to go through with it. You have left yourself no choice. Either she wises up or you get the divorce that you need if she is not. I wish you well.

Hey Bob, It's good to hear from you. I was worried about you. I'm sorry that things didn't work out with you and your wife.

I have scheduled an appointment to meet with the attorney again next Wednesday. I told him the situation, and that I plan to go forward with the divorce.

My wife has been extra nice, but I honestly think that is because she's happy that I'm going through with the divorce. I overheard her talking to her old college roommate. She told her we were having problems, but she made it sound like I went crazy over nothing. "a guy at work started calling her and I found the phone bill". She forgot to tell her that I have an STD (that she gave me), that I caught her going out with him at least twice, that he sent her two text messages saying that "he loved her", etc . . .

She just hasn't accepted responsibility for her actions. I honestly think that she believes her own lies.

Oh well, you've all heard it before. I can't hire a PI to get pictures of her at work due to the fact that she works at a school. They won't let anyone inside. I've actually stopped by the school a few times and each time the leave separately. I've also stuck a recorder in her car, and I haven't overheard anything bad (except phone call to friend). I can honestly say that I am 80% sure that the affair is over. Do I believe that she won't talk to him again, no I don't (she may have already), that's why I have said that I won't stay married to her as long as she works with him.

Melody, I would love to get a response from my wife, but I honestly don't expect one anymore. The letter really was my way to say goodbye and to tell her that I still love her. Dr. Harley told me to be nice to her through the divorce, make sure she sees what she is losing. I thought the letter did that, plus allowed me to say what I wanted to say. As for making a decision about what I want to do with the rest of my life. That's simple, I want to keep my family together. I want to be in a marriage where I trust my wife and where she respects my feelings and needs. It doesn't look like that is going to happen. So I will move forward with the divorce. I'm not happy about it, it wasn't how I pictured my life, but here it's the hand I've been dealt. I will play the hand the best that I can.

I'll hold off sending the letter to her. I think everyone might be right. My wife probably doesn't expect me to go through with the divorce. She most likely thinks that I am just using it to get her to do what I want her to do. I know it's too late for that, but I still have a little hope that things might change.

grove, let me throw out several things to see what you are thinking about. Does this situation control every aspect of your life? Do you see very little hope for ultimate happiness if your marriage fails?
Do you then switch over to think all of the things you could do with your life if you went ahead and got divorced? Do you think how nice it would be for the wife to be gone and the extreme reduction in your everyday stress level? Do you think about the wonderful possibilities and opportunities that could be waiting on you out there?

Do you constantly think about that girl that you married? The girl that acted like a nervous little schoolgirl everytime that she was around you. The one that could not wait for you to get home. The one that would walk into the room and attack you like you were Brad Pitt. Then you realize that person is not there anymore and is quite possibly gone forever. You think about how much you dislike that person now. That you are fooling yourself by fantasizing about what used to be and not what is there now and what a waste of time that is. That you are really in love with the idea of being in love and married and not actually your wife.

You think about her friends and how they are helping to destroy your marriage because their own lives are so bad. You think about little anonymous things that you could do to them in the community that would destroy their lives or cause them extreme hurt. You think about how sweet it would be and that they deserve it because of what they have done to you and your marriage. However, in the end, you do nothing because you are too good of a person to sink to their level.

You think about your in-laws and the role that they are playing. How could they be so stupid to believe what their daughter is telling them in the face of the obvious truth? How could they be in favor of destroying a marriage and a family? How hypocritical that they are in the values that they always talked about but have now abandoned in blind support of their daughter.

You really have the most trouble in thinking about your child. How is this going to affect them? Will you get custody or not? If you do not get custody then what will happen? Can you bear not putting them in bed at night? Can you bear not seeing them everyday? Can you bear not sharing the holidays with them? What if your wife remarries? Will they call the new man Daddy? Will he basically get to raise them on a daily basis? How will they think about him? Will he be a deviant that will harm them? Will your wife get custody and move to New York or L.A. for her new job. Will you hardly ever get to see them again?

You also think that your wife will do just fine after the divorce but you might not. You just know that she will have to fight the men off with a stick. She will always have a date or a party to go to. You might do well but you might also be sitting home alone heating up some macaroni and cheese and watching TV. If you do find another woman, will she be worse than your wife. Will she have some deep dark secret that you be be surprised with after you get committed.

Have you quit living your life because of what your wife might do. Do you stay away from things that might upset her because that might be the one thing that throws her into the OM's arms. Do you not go on trips because of what your wife might do while you are gone? Do you stay away from sporting events or things that might give her two or three hours to run out and meet another man? Does it bother you because your wife goes wherever she wants and obviously does not care what you do? Do you sit and dread the weekends because of what she might do or what could happen? Do you feel great relief during the days that she is on her period because you know that something will not happen during that week so you can let you guard down for a while?

This are some of the things that race through my mind. I waned to see if you think about any of these things and how you deal with them. I do want to make one suggestion that my attorney requested that I do. He wants me to take my children away for a whole weekend. He wants me to announce it well in advance so my wife has a chance to make plans for that weekend. I am going to have her followed for the whole weekend by a PI to see what she does.

If I catch her again then my attorney thinks that my chances of custody might improve to about 50-50. Otherwise I am dead in the water like you are on that issue. We both know our wives cheated but have no absolute proof. You know if you bring up the STD then she will claim that she never had one and that is obvious proof that you are the one who cheated. I am going to see what happens. It is had to accept the fact that they will cheat no matter how hard you watch them and to simply let go and give them all of the rope that they need. I am really struggling with that one. Let me know your thoughts.

Hi Bob,

Sorry I haven't responded. I've been going through a lot here and just couldn't get around to writing.

For the most part I have went through everything you have said above.

I think about life without my wife and I wonder if it would be better or worse. I can't stand the input my wife is getting from friends and family. I'm amazed at what they have done. I know what I would love to tell all of them, but never will actually say.

I think often of the woman I married and wish that she would return, but I realize that person is most likely gone forever.

I can't stand the thought of my daughter being held by another man and her calling him daddy. How can I live with that. My daughter is my life! I don't care that I will get "shared" parenting. I want to see my daughter every day.

I still love my wife and I'm holding on to the fact that neither of us are ready to actually file for divorce. Yes I know that it will most likely happen, but I still have hope and faith that something will happen to turn this around.

I did see my attorney this week and I signed the papers. He said that he felt that we should wait until friday before he submits/files the papers.

My IC has advised me to tell my wife that I am willing to stay. That I have no conditions and that I will not bring up that past. Basically, I have faith in her and that I am willing to take a chance on us. If she fails again, than I know for sure what I have to do.

The problem is I don't think I can do that. Her working with him every day is just too much for me to handle.

Oh well, it's late and I better hit the sack.

I look forward to hearing from you.

GTO

***My IC has advised me to tell my wife that I am willing to stay. That I have no conditions and that I will not bring up that past. Basically, I have faith in her and that I am willing to take a chance on us.***

So, let's get this straight -- your IC wants you to reward your WW for her lying and cheating by getting to keep her marriage, having to take NO responsibility for any of it, and letting YOU be the one who suffers and pays the price.

Time for a new IC?

***If she fails again, than I know for sure what I have to do.***

If you go along with this arrangement, you will die the death of a thousand cuts every day by stuffing down your pain (ever see the Jim Carrey movie *Me, Myself and Irene*?) and wondering if/when she is going to "fail again."

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm still with the advice the Harleys gave you about using Plan D as a kind of Plan B on steroids.
Mulan

I totally understand this. I would make this a condition of reconciliation. Either one of them changes jobs or else no reconciliation. You definitely have a right to demand no contact. If she's serious about saving the marriage then she should comply, if not well maybe its time for you to move on...

Miker

Ok, let me start with a comment my wife made last night. I mentioned that it has been a while since we were intimate or even cozy together. Before I could even say another word she says, "it's ok if you want to go out and find someone else to fill your needs". Who is this person!!!


Mulan, actually his (my IC) comment was that I've tried everything except this. He believes that I am trying to punish my wife with my comments and demands. He also thinks I am trying to control things. He said a lot of things, but I think I tend to agree with your assessment more "(reward your WW for her lying and cheating by getting to keep her marriage, having to take NO responsibility for any of it, and letting YOU be the one who suffers and pays the price)".

I don't think I will be able to follow through with my IC's advice. I do think he is right that at some point I will need to begin trusting my wife and moving towards a normal relationship *(that's if I decide to stay).

Miker, I'm working my way towards moving on. I'm just a little slow at doing it, but I do think that I am heading that way. (see below).

I forgot to tell everyone. My attorney cancelled our appointment Wednesday. We weren't able to reschedule at the time, but I will reconsider things this week and make the call.

The question is, can I or even should I wait things out while my wife gets her head on straight. She keeps saying that she "doesn't want to lead me on". When I ask her what that means, she just says that everytime she's nice to me, I take it that she's "in love with me". She says she's let me done so often she doesn't want to do it again.

Ok that's all for today. I'm off work today and I plan on spending a wonderful day with my daughter at the Zoo!