RWC,<P>I have been checking your thread, and haven't seen that you have returned there. If you are still coming back to this "area", please write and let me know what is going on with you. As I said, I've been there already, and perhaps I can point out a few things that might ease your pain, at least for a while.<P>To all others on the Forum, go read RWC's introduction message to the Forum. I can't believe that this Man has not been receiving 50 responses a day. He is deeply hurting, and needs help. Give what you can.<P>DG99(H)<P><BR>

Disgrace99d<P>Wow! I am deeply touched! Yes I still lurk everyday. The only thing that has gotten me through the last two months is Dr. Harley's books and this web site. Since you cared enough to post me, I'll catch you up with what's happening. After discovering my wife's affair, I decided I would put everything needed back into the marriage, to save it. She decided that as well. What I wasn't prepared for is the deep depression, the intense pain, and the feeling of wanting to take my life. After two months of feeling like this, between the anit-dep med's and time I thought I would get better. But the simple fact is I'm getting worse. I am trying to forget the image of the two of them Lovin, Touchin, & Squeezin! But blocking the thoughts don't help. And after reading that it can take years to forget. Sorry folks but I am not ready for that much pain. I think that if that was the only problem that time would resolve that. However, I have another problem. After all the effort in rebuilding, after changing myself and started being the husband I should have all along. I'm not sure that I really love her. We both agreed to all of Harley's teachings. I ask her everyday if I'm meeting her 10 most needs. She say's I am. BUT, never in two months has she ask me if she was meeting my needs. About a week ago I brought that to her attention,(in a nice way) She said that she hadn't ask because she knew the answer. I excepted that answer, but to date she still won't ask me. Even if she knew the answer, if she ask, it would show she cared. I am not saying that she isn't trying at all, but not the level I am or need. The scales are not balanced, and with my level of pain,I am having second thoughts. Part of me wants to give up, and the other part of me wants to endure. I am/was a very strong, confident, and out going person. But she has brought me to my knee's and doesn't know how to help me back up. We talk at least two hours every night, but a little more of me dies everyday, and more and more I wish I could put the marriage behind me, and find someone more deserving!<P>

RWC,<P>Good to see that you have written back. It hurts me to "see" where it is you are at this moment. You are in the blackest, darkest part of this horrible "gift" that your wife has given you. I know that feeling of despair, and how you are daily brought down to your knees. It is as if someone is pounding you with a giant hammer, and you have no resistance to it's force. I also know how the realization of what she has done, and what EXACTLY she did with him, can make you feel as if your mind is exploding in a million pieces. I have described it as if a hand grenade has gone off in your head, and your thoughts are spread to the universe in an ever expanding cloud. This hurts more than we ever knew HURT could exist. And You did not ask for it.<P>Only being two months into this, you are still whirling through this world. Nothing makes sense, as now your Reality is not what you had thought, and your wife is not the person you always believed her to be. She can't be the person you believed her to be, for she has done this Right? This realization can be among the hardest of the thousands of realizations you will have to come to. <P>You say you aren't sure if you still love her, and that is a rational thought to have. You aren't drifting here my friend, to look at the woman you loved, and to know that she is capable of such utter deceit and betrayal, would make any sane person wonder if they could continue to love her. I would suggest to you, that you try to hang on for a while. This stage you are in now, is the worst, and as time goes by, you will feel better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you will feel "Good" soon, but the "Whirling" will slow down.<P>When this rushing of constant thoughts begins to slow, then you will be able to see what has happened in your life more clearly. You WILL get to this stage, it happens to all of us who have been destroyed inside by what our spouse's have done.<P>You have noticed and feel that the scales are not "balanced" between you and your wife. That is very perceptive of you at this early date. The fact is, the betrayed spouse is the one who has to carry most of the burden here. Your wife has no CLUE what you are feeling inside. She can never truly understand this dagger that has been plunged into your heart. Again, this is one more Unfair "gift" that has been placed on you.<P>I urge you to write here when you feel the need. I and others , who have been betrayed, can pass on to you what we have so far learned on this journey through darkness.<BR>There are good people here, who will offer you their hand. Reach out and take it, you are not ALONE.<P>Take Care,<BR>DG99(H)<P><BR>

Disgrace99d<P>Thank you so much for your words. You indeed must know what I'm going through as you described how I feel very well. I guess what makes me want to give up the most is, she's trying to put the guilt of what she did behind her by wanting to get on with life and quit talking about the past. She said it's starting to wear on her. I believe that is true, it's hard to get a smile from her. But she really does love me and want it to work. I don't know how to make her understand that she is living with the "walking dead" It so easy for her to get through a day, but I worry more about getting through an hour. I try to tell her about what I'm going through and it doesn't sink in. She seems more worried about herself. Don't get me wrong, she has and is working on herself and the marriage, but it's my emotions that needs the attention. I am gunshy in telling her this because for example. About a month ago, I told her I needed more affection. Well she gave it to me. But she did it because of duty not because she was expressing herself. And even that level of affection has dropped off now. <BR>One of the companies I own is a pet store, and a good example of how I feel follows. This pet store has lost money every month for a year now. Do I keep sinking money into it. Or do I come to terms with the fact that it's a bad investment and close it down. In my marriage, if I knew I was planting in good soil, I could get by. She means well, loves God, her children and me. But in my eyes the relationship is shallow, I want more!

RWC,<P>You do deserve more than what you have now. YOu certainly did NOT deserve to have a wife who could turn her back on you, and destroy your marriage in the most complete way. The truth is, none of us deserved what our spouses did to us. NONE OF US!<P>As to your wife wanting to "put this all behind her".....that my friend is soooo common to most who have committed these acts. Of course they want to push this into the past, and wish to go on living as if it never happened. But it did, and it has, and your heart has been broken, and it is you who must find a way to live with the pain.<P>You mentioned how you are the "walking dead"...and you have problems making it through an hour, and she easily makes it through a day. Again, this is the way it IS for those who are betrayed. I tell you this not to tell you that your feelings are insignificant, but to let you know, that for almost all of us, this too, is the way we were. I just want you to understand, that what you are going through is exactly what WE have gone through too. <P>Keep writing here, there is help to be found, and I want you to know, that when I was in exactly the same place you were,,,two months after Discovery, being able to come here was my salvation. It is a place to ask questions, to write your RAGE, and to express your Anger. Bring it here, we will listen.<P>Take Care,<BR>DG99(H)<P>

DG99<P> Again thank you for your concern, I don't know your gender, but I thank God for people like you. I'm feeling real bad, both past and present. Past for obvious reasons, and present, because I fear, that she will slip back into her old self, which is what started the marriage to decline. I think I can sort my way through everything, but I now have a new concern. Every night for last 9 or 10 days, I have had dreams of making a life and settling down with someone else. 2 weeks ago I opened up to my wife and told her, that even though I love her, that part of me wants to find someone else. Someone I can look at without pain. Someone who wants a deeper relationship than what she has provided through the years. She told me she would pray for me, and ask me to let time do a little more healing before I made such a major decision. I thought to myself, "Gee I wish see had that much wisdom before she started seeing someone else" But I kept that little love buster to myself. I agreed not to act on emotions. But they keep getting stronger. Here I'm the victim, and now I'm the one thinking about other women. What's funny is even in the bad times, I NEVER thought about it! It's not a get even thing, my love is truly desolving and it's not because she's doing anything wrong. I think it's just she screwed my head up so bad, that I can't even make rational decisions now. Go figure!<BR>

AND THIS, MY FRIENDS, IS THE D99 I KNOW AND VALUE!!!!!!!!!!<BR>One who reads a post,,recognizes the pain and hurt,,responds,,waits, watches to see if that person is getting the attention and help they need, realizes when they haven't been heard from for awhile, knows they didn't get as many replies as they perhaps could have, seeks them out again, and cares! I'm not saying he & his wife are the only ones that do this. There are many here that also do the same. WhenI first came on this forum at he beginning of 1998, D99 heard my pain. Being a "newcomer" on this forum, I didn't get alot of replies but D99 constantly checked on me. And let me know I was not alone. <BR>Thanks, my friend, D99, for always being there, caring and helping one more hurting person.

RWC,<BR>Sorry, I didn't mean to bust into your thread here without leaving some words for you. But I had to smile when I read D99's post to you. Here he goes again,,finding someone that's ready to give it all up, identifying with that pain and pulling you back up,,,just like he did for me long ago. <BR>I felt exactly like you're feeling 19 months ago when I discovered my H's long term affair, after 30 years of marriage. Everything in my life was turned upside down,,what was right, was left, up was down, inside out.. everything had been a lie. I, at times hated him but loved him. I loved what I "thought" he had. Sure, we had some problems, but I "thought" we had each other. It's soooo confusing. And I was obsessing about the affair and OW,,,,24/7,,never stopped. I seriously was losing it. No kidding. My H immediately ended the affair, promised to never see or talk to her again and to my knowledge, has kept those promises. Yes, he apologized, sat down and talked to me time after time, held me, comforted me, answered endless questions. But I still felt he was not remorseful enough. I reasoned that if that had been me that had an affair and he gave me another chance, I'd be killin' myself to make him happy!! I'd be showering him with gifts, waiting on him hand & foot, etc,,,,and he didn't do that stuff. Ohhh,,maybe alittle,,but not much. I honestly think when you are dealing with this situation,,nothing can be right for awhile. Too much attention is looked upon as "guilt", too little is "not remorseful enough." No way of getting around it. This is just an ugly period. As D99 said,,give it time. Your wife is willing to work on the marriage,,,it's going to take time. Please continue to post,,,,hang in there and be strong!!

RWC,and Nerlycrzy:<P>RWC<P>I have read you, I will be back in touch this weekend, I hope I can help you in some way. In fact I believe I can, for the words you just wrote, could have been written by me, and what you are feeling, is but a mirror of myself, and it isn't just Me and You my friend, it is ALL who have been betrayed. This is what it is to have this done to you...it hurts so much, it doesn't stop for a long while, but it will get more manageable...you can do it just as so many others of us have. Your pain is uniquely Yours, for each of our Lives are different, and it is impossible for us to know Exactly what the other is feeling. But I can pass on to you what I have learned, and what others have taught me. I hope you read this soon, the weekends can be soooo lonely with your mind filled with what you now live with.<P>take Care, RWC<P>Nerlycrzy,<P>Well, what can I say to you, except Hello again? I don't understand why you have such strength, to say what you do, I only can feel that you have no fear, after what you have survived. You are as ALWAYS, speaking what you believe, and you have no worries about what others may think. Your husband is a Lucky man to have you by his side. You tell him I said so....(I'm smiling).<P>Some things never change on this forum do they? I wish it were set up different than it is, perhaps with individual forum sections for those who have been Betrayed, those who did this to their Spouses, and then one where any and all could come and write. I just feel this would make it easier on those who are in such pain. I have witnessed the confusion that occurs when a grieving spouse comes blasting on this forum, looking for relief from their UnGodly pain, and must, ontop of their confusion, come face to face with Betrayers, repentent though they are, who are dealing with problems like "I can't forget my OM,,,I'm with my Husband still, but I want out of my marriage...The OW makes me feel so alive...", and on and on. I just feel that it would be more helpful for All, to make a place where one knew that he/she could come and find help, from those in similar circumstances. Of course anyone, at any time, would have a platform to write on the "Mixed" section. It makes sense to me.<P>Thanks again for saying hello,<P>Talk to you soon,<BR> DG99(H)<p>[This message has been edited by Disgrace99d (edited October 01, 1999).]