I just wanted to vent here for a second, so bear with me....


I am going back and finishing my '03 and '04 taxes - YES, I have procrastinated way too much. Part of what I needed to do was input all the transactions from my Amex bill into Quickbooks...and many times when I am inputting a transaction, it makes me think about that time period in our lives.

Things like our trip to Italy, or a visit to Philly by the in-laws, or sending my WW's c.v. to various residency programs around the country.

Each one is like a pin [censored] at my heart...drawing me lower and lower. I would quit and come back to it tomorrow, but I face a deadline on Monday...if I don't have these to opposing counsel by then, I will be in contempt of court. I am sure my WW would go hog wild with that.

Usually, I can keep myself from reliving the past over and over by putting it out of my mind, and focusing on the steps that lie ahead in my future. But all these transactions just drag all those images to the front of my brain, one after the next, an endless parade of (mostly good) memories.

AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Somebody make it stop!!!

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All of my taxes were late with the divorce too as my X was self-employed.
I had to laugh when I read your comment "I will be in contempt of court."
My X tried to hide his financial situation (although I did his books for 7 years) and claimed to make 1/3 of what I imputed (with real knowledge).

Taxes were holding up our divorce too, and I told my lawyer that unless X showed up in court with the last two tax returns, I would walk out. My lawyer couldn't believe I would do it, but it was very infuriating to have X "decide" how much he thought the kids deserved based on what he believed he made, and what he actually made (tax basis).

Now, I know that X will likely not return to court to decrease his miniscule child support because then he'd need to disclose his taxes and income statements.

So, just do it and get it over with.

I think it's good that your facing your past. Doing your taxes like this is forcing you to look at your history together. It's ok to be sad, mad, reminicent and all. Those are healthy feelings to get through this rough time. Do take it easy though, don't over think the feelings. Just take the memories one at a time, and try to process them as good as you can.

Still with my whole house I'm doing the same thing. It hurts when some of the memories were so good, but at the same time, I appreciate that we did have good times.

Dear TM,

I know just what you mean. I used to avoid them triggers... but you just can't escape them... they sometimes turn up unexpectedly, as they do to me and after two years, I still cry sometimes thinking of how I've been cheated of the many years I gave to WH. Some triggers make me angry. But I also realise that there are not only bad times, but good times too.

I use a 'balancing trick'. Everytime I face a trigger that makes me mad and wanna give a piece of my mind to my x, I balance it with something that he has done in the past that has made me happy. Although I am the bs, I try to balance my perspective of my x.

I think triggers equals pain equals having to let go. You realise somehow, that that person does not have the same values as you.

Letting go also means that we have to stop expecting that person to give us any love or care in return for what we have done for them. Until we stop looking to this person to fill our ENs, we will continue to hurt... because we will not be getting what we want!

It is just better to face these triggers till they matter no more. Take heart, TM, one day you'll be in a better place.

It isn't the anger triggers that give me any problems. It's the things that trigger pleasant memories of happier times. You know the little things like finding the Christmas tree ornament that the kitten stole off the tree our first year in the house behind the refrigerator. Or the smell of funnel cakes at a fall festival...... Those are the hardest to deal with for me. Anger you want to let go of, but not the pleasant things.

We all have the triggers and I find the "pleasant" memories the toughest to deal with. They make me incredibly sad. Every restruant, movie, places we would go for walks, etc, etc.

I guess we just have to deal with it.