My wife and I are working to move forward with our marriage and put the past behind us. My wife was the WS in our marriage and I was the victim. How can you tell or know if the OM is still in the picture? My wife has said she has moved on and would never want to go thru what we had went thru once the A was made public. She tells me I need to start trusting her and she gave me her word that she wants to move forward with us and no one other....for us and the childrens sake. She tells me she could not see me hurt again and could not put our children again thru what they went thru in the past. I feel if she does this again she knows she will lose her family (children and myself) and also she would lose her parents because of the trust was lost again. She states her body physically and mentally could not go thru this again and she could not see me ripped apart again. How and should I believe her? How do I move forward with "our" lives together w/o thinking or bringing up the past?

Anyone out there who was in my wifes shoes could let me know if what she is saying is true or not

Anyone out there who was in my shoes with the same situation?

What should I expect? What should I think?

Do I believe her and move on with our lives together?

I am not sure how long ago your WW's affair was. I was the WW at one point. A month after I confessed my A, I was spouting all sorts of crap. My H and I separated for two years and then we reconciled. After we reconciled, he never really wanted to discuss it, he said he was past it.

The only thing I knew to do was to be completely transparent with him. Even though he never asked, I had all my computer passwords revealed to him, my phone history was a open book. He never, ever checked, but I need to know for myself, that I was being completely transparent. I say I will never be that woman again, but I didn't think I could have become her to start with.

Perhaps you can give some thought to what you will really need to trust her again. Something tangible, simple instructions. And I think, for me, I will be much more aware of A symptoms next time around. You can worry about this for the rest of your life, but IF your WW is trying, don't make it impossible for her. What can she do to be transparent to you?

If the A was very recent, that may not be your wife you are living with. It could be a very cruel alien who has had their brains sucked out. In that case, trust but verify everything.

6years, you will trust her when she is trustworthy. You should trust her when she demonstrates trustworthy behavior over a long period of time. It is HER job to earn trust, not yours. You are not obligated to trust an untrustworthy person.

If she wants to be trusted, then she should do things to earn trust, such as make her life an open book, write a no contact letter to the OM, be willing to tell you any details of the affair, answer all your questions openly and honestly.

Those steps will help her earn your trust. But she is not ENTITLED to trust. She must earn it. There is no Trust Welfare Program for wayward wives.

And your job will be to VERIFY what you can to make sure she is being truthful. Trust, but verify...

You will never ever forget about the affair, 6years. You won't "move on" until recovery takes place. Recovery from an affair takes anywhere from 12 to 24 months. What is she willing to do to help you recover?

How long since the affair ended? Has she ended ALL CONTACT with the OM?

What exactly does she mean by "move on?" Does that mean: shut up and forget about my cruelty and betrayal so that I don't have to face the consequences?

ML - I am honest about this answer when asked how long ago has the affair ended, if it did end. I don't know if it has or has not. With my wifes actions on working on the marriage somedays I feel it has ended and other days I fell it has not. I have no physical evidence the affair is still going on, but that is my problem, am I ever going to know if it is killed or not? Our relationship now is no different then how it was before the affair, except we are open more with each other. It is not one of these relationships that we do not speak to each other or my wife has seperated for a long period of time. We still do things like any other husband and wife does. It is just that small thing inside of me if I should trust or not. I have had issues in the past blow up in my face when I verified about her trust thinking the OM was involved someway or somehow. We will be attending our third MC session this week and she tells the MC she wants our marriage to work out. She tells me deep from her heart this is what she wants now and she did make a mistake in the past, but she wants to work at our marriage for the future. Do I believe her and go with what she says and work from that and take it day by day. If she is still having the A with the OM I guess at some point if it is still going on a red flag will fly up at some point and make it evident the A is still happening. Until this happens, if it does ( I pray each day it does not ) I can only move forward with our attentions of making our marriage work.

Just confused at this point right now
Any information on recovery from an affair?

6years, the way you find out if she is still in the affair is you INVESTIGATE. You tap your phone, check cell phone bills, put voice activated recorders in your car, have her followed. You trust her only when you have verified that she is being trustworthy. But you do not trust the word of an untrustworhty person, that would be insane.

Instead of sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop or give undeserved trust to an untrustworthy person, why not do some investigating? You have to do the footwork, 6years, you can't just stick your head in the sand and hope that things work out.