<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I'm new to this forum and hope I can gain some great insight and help in improving my marriage.

I would love to get my husband to consider the ideas that Dr, Harvey presents and possibly consider some counseling for accountability on both our parts.

I'm afraid to suggest any of this because of the negetive responses I've had in the past. In fact, I haven't even hinted that I've read "Love Busters" or found this web site. Last time I talked about "Love & Respect" and learning better communication skills, I was met with great resistance.

There's issues in this marriage that are definate "Love Busters" and I believe the idea of an enthusiastic agreement on both are parts of how to handle and do things would help resolve issues.

(This is my 2nd marriage and his 3rd marriage.) We still disagree on how to resolve parenting issues, career issues, living in the area we currently live issues and a whole list of small and large things. In the past, all the things that don't work have been used by both of us from time to time in an effort to get our way, make the other happy or just trying to move on. I don't want to do it this way any longer!!!! I don't think he likes the results either and yet old habits and ways die hard.

I'm just hoping that some of you have faced a similar situation and have found effective, loving and respectful ways to work through it.

Thanks for your support!

What would happen if you had a copy of HisNeeds/HerNeeds and read it in his presence.

Personally, I have no experience in dealing with your question. You might get more response if you posted on another board - perhaps the Emotional Needs board. This particular board doesn't see as much action as many of the others and this is the weekend when things are even slower.

That is a great idea. I printed off the emotional needs questionaire this morning and asked if he would look at it and consider answering the questions. I'll admit I'm being cautious on what books I bring forward because there's been so much resistance in the last few months to anything I suggest. I do know that anything I want his participation in I have to bring it forth with the idea that I'm trying to understand and improve me. And it's not that I'm not, it's that he will become very resistant and angry if he thinks he has to do any changing or provide anything on his part.

I will also put a post under the "emotional needs." I appreciate your insight!

You're welcome. That's why we are here....to share and to learn.

Ladies, do you have any insight looking at this from the other direction? I think that I'm in a similar situation in that I can't seem to get my wife to talk. I've brought up discussing these items and she agreed but when I actually do it she says I'm being pushy. I've searched my soul and believe that I now have the knowledge to make an improvement, but she is very, very distant.

What a mess I've made!

I think the best thing so far for me was to finally understand what my own needs are in a loving relationship. I had never really understood what they were so therefore I didn't every know what I needed from my SO to satisfy them and to have them meet. Then I like Dr Harleys section on asking for what you need. Then in turn work at communicating with them and asking them what they need.

I like this:

To say to your Spouse:

How would you feel if you were to do this for me? (You ask for what you want or need, it keeps the conversation open for negotitation)

Well, I'll tell you guys what worked for me....don't know what might work for you. I didn't tell/teach/instruct my husband about MB. I just started "living" it. Practicing it. Stop lovebusting. Started making respectful requests instead of demands....treated him as I wish to be treated. At first, he was suspicious....waiting for the angry/resentful star to return. When she didn't....he finally got curious. When he did....I shared what I had found. He suggested we go to one of the seminars....and well....it was the beginning of a much better marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I, too, wish my spouse would get onboard, but it is obvious that isn't going to happen. 15 years are about to blow into the wind, because I am tired of doing all the changing without any results from him.

My husband has trouble understanding the word "deceit". He doesn't tell me anything he thinks might upset me and because I don't specifically ask him about it...he isn't lying. Of course, I always find out whatever it was and then his "excuse" is ... "well you never asked me." Sorry, but in my book that is nothing but a coward.

Good luck on getting your spouse on board.