This is my first post. I just found this site today on an internet search. I was hoping for some advice. Here is my situation. I have known my SO for 3 years and had been involved with him on a casual basis for about 1 1/2 years. We are good friends. He came to stay with me Sept 2004 and has lived with me ever since. I got pregnant shortly after and miscarried in October. I ended up getting pregnant again in November. We decided to get more serious in our relationship and be together sometime between the miscarriage and the 2nd pregnancy. Well during my 2nd pregnancy, he cheated on me. It happened around April 2005. He claims that was the only time he slept with her and the only time he has cheated on me. I had my baby on August 17, 2005. Shortly after, he finds out she is pregnant and says it's his. I just found out about it yesterday. He said he wanted to tell me sooner but I was pregnant and then I had post partum depression after I had the baby and couldn't find the right time until yesterday. I am totally crushed. He says that he told the OW that he doesn't want to be with her, that he is staying with me. He does want to have a part in the OC life. He is adamant about raising his children together and wants me to take part in that. He says the girl is going to need alot of help from him because this is her first child and she doesn't know anything about children. He says he really needs me during this time. I feel like what am I gonna get out of it if I stay. I feel like if I stay with him, he will benefit, the OW will benefit because her child will have a father in it's life, but I ain't getting anything but heartache. I feel so angry and so hurt. I want to ask him to leave but then I want to be with him and work things out. He says that him having sex with her had nothing to do with me. He says he is happy with our relationship and that what he did was purely physical. He says during that time, he didn't know what he wanted and shortly after he slept with her, was when he knew that I was the one he wanted to be with and raise our child with. He thought that it was done with her but a couple months later wham! he finds out she is pregnant. Not what he intended at all. For the past couple days, I can't do anything else but think about the situation. I can't focus on work and all I want to do is cry. I need some advice on what to do. Should I stay and if I stay what will be the agreement he and I make to continue in our relationship and deal with the OW and OC due in Jan 2006. If I leave, I don't have to deal with that situation anymore, but what impact will that have on his relationship with our daughter together. They have bonded so well, he is her caretaker during the day when I am at work. I really want my daughter to have both her parents in the household. I am so torn. He answers any questions I have. Please give me some advice.

I picked out some points to make comments about this guy's character.


1. Well during my 2nd pregnancy, he cheated on me.

A ~real man~ does not casually seek sex elsewhere if he has concern fo his UNborn child

2. He claims that was the only time he slept with her and the only time he has cheated on me.

He tells you what he thinks you want to hear so he can keep you from leaving him. You have NO REASON to believe this is true.... because.....

3. Shortly after, he finds out she is pregnant and says it's his.

.... because sex was "only one time" .... and ~somehow~ he is ~certain~ he's the father. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Does this make sense to you?

Does this pass the 'whiff' test ... as in does this smell like a stinking lie? To me it sure smells like crap.

4. He said he wanted to tell me sooner but I was pregnant and then I had post partum depression after I had the baby and couldn't find the right time until yesterday.

He delayed telling you out of DISrespect. Don't be fooled by this lie. If you know something important that may change someone's life ... do you hide facts from them?

NOOOOOOOO


5. He says that he told the OW that he doesn't want to be with her, that he is staying with me.

You have no way to know if this is true without verification from OW.

Basically, this guy has 2 girlfriends, and both have made children for him. He is committed to neither of you. he might be telling OW the exact same thing to her !!!

6. He does want to have a part in the OC life. He is adamant about raising his children together and wants me to take part in that.

He is adament about keeping~both~ his girlfriends convenient to him to have his needs met. Has he showed remorse? Not just for what he has done to ~you~ and what he has done to ~OW~ ... but WORSE than anything is ... he has created children so carelessly ... He has been reckless where he spreads his sperm. He wants what he wants and does not care he has created children born into chaos !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> These kids do not have a 2 parent home with 2 married parents. These babies have been CHEATED out of an intact family.

And you got pregnant twice by him ... why not use birth control from now on????

7. He says the girl is going to need alot of help from him because this is her first child and she doesn't know anything about children. He says he really needs me during this time.

My my.... my ... he is appealing to your tender heart to take care of his ~other~ girlfriend ... isn't he special <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

8. I feel like what am I gonna get out of it if I stay.

You are going to get to have sex with him and make more babies for him and take care of his ~other~ girlfriend's baby as well .... lucky girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

9. I feel like if I stay with him, he will benefit, the OW will benefit because her child will have a father in it's life, but I ain't getting anything but heartache.

Yep ... damn straight!

10. He says that him having sex with her had nothing to do with me.

So he gave you a very important peek into his character .... sex is not something he feels is special .... something to be kept exclusive between a MAN AND WIFE ....

He has told you he can love you and STILL sleep with HER !!!!

[color:"red"] BIG RED WARNING FLAG[/color] ... His character allows him to do this and think it is OK !!!

11. He says he is happy with our relationship and that what he did was purely physical.

NOOOOOO

He thinks this makes it LESS hideous and it actually makes it MORE hideous!!!

Do you see why?

He can easily compartmentalize the sex act. .... at anytime in the future!

12. He says during that time, he didn't know what he wanted and shortly after he slept with her, was when he knew that I was the one he wanted to be with and raise our child with.

Pure horse manure. Spoken like a VERY immature boy.

13. He thought that it was done with her but a couple months later wham! he finds out she is pregnant. Not what he intended at all.

That's right, what he intended was ~consequence-free nookie~ from his OTHER GIRLFRIEND.

You are not his wife ... you are one of his girlfriends. If he will do this to you now, in the courtship stage of a relationship ... a time where he is supposed to be falling in love with you ... he cannot ~EVER~ be trusted to be faithful in the future WHEN TIMES GET TOUGH!!!

[color:"red"] GET OUT[/color]

Get child support.

Live on your own with your baby. he can be the visiting father.

You choose very poorly. Think harder next time before you turn your body and your life and the life of your baby over to a man who is not your husband.

Hello,

I like the first response, but feel it is a bit harsh. This is not about him, it is about you.

What are you willing to accept? Is this OK with you? I agree that he is keeping two girlfriends. Is this OK with you or do you want someone who wants to be with you only. The other woman can get help from her family and friends, not from your man - unless that is OK with you. He can still be part of the other childs life without spending time with the mother. Are you OK with weekend visits from the OC? If so, tell him.

Bottom line, decide what is good enough for you and accept no less. Tell him what is good enough for you and tell him if he can't give it, you will get it elsewhere.

Believe - you will be OK with or without him. With him preferable if he will give you a relationship that is within your limits of acceptance, but other wise without him. Then let him see you being OK without him. Refuse to see him except to drop off and pick up child. He will let you know if he decides to live by your rules or leave.

TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE AND DON'T LET ANY BLOKE PUSH YOU AROUND.

Good luck

I agree with Pep. What's harsh is what he did to you and your child. What will be even more harsh is you life unless you lose this guy. Once, many years ago, before I was a BS, a asked a friend of mine who husband was a serial cheater "What is more difficult, staying with him and having him hurt you like this over and over and over....., or ending the relationship and giving yourself the time to heal and move on.

I recommend that you ponder your situation very carefully.

He seems remorseful. He says he will not see her anymore until the baby is born. He says he isn't invested in her emotionally. He knows I have a history of depression, that is why he delayed telling me since I had just given birth and was going through PPD and I was depressed before giving birth also. I told him he should get a paternity test and not believe what the girl is telling him. The reason he believes that it is his, is because her sister vouches that he was the only one she has slept with during that time. I told him don't believe crap the sister says because she will say anything to protect her sister. You are right about him being able to compartmentalize things. That is a flaw he has which we have to discuss. I do want to speak with the other woman or have him tell the other woman in front of me what it is he wants. She knows about me, has always known. I am ok with visits from the OC. The child is innocent and has done nothing wrong. The problem I have is with him seeing her. Thanks for the advice and I will think about it all. Any additional comments are always welcome.

When a woman accepts CRAP from a man as his girlfriend

she can reasonably expect more of the same if she ever becomes his wife

be forewarned

*UPDATE*
I have spoken to the other woman. She corroborates his story. So it seems to me that he is telling the truth. They only slept together once. They never had a relationship. They saw each other once before they slept together. She isn't happy to be pregnant, but she is and we can't do anything about it but try and raise these kids to best of our abilities. She understands that I will be a part of her child's life forever and that child will be part of our family with our children. From what she says, she has no problem with what is expected from her and how things will be. So we shall see how things go. It's not an easy situation, but we won't be the first family to be in this situation. It seems to me that this is becoming the norm, unfortunately. The most important thing is that these children be taken care of and be loved by all people involved. Any and all comments are welcome.

Blessings w/you and your baby...btw, I was born in PR..dad in Air Force but I was raised and live in south <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is less of a whack than the one Pep gave but...

If you accept this now as a girlfriend...

You will receive FAR LESS as a wife!

I think this man is exceptionally immature. And besides the sperm issue...

HE IS EXPOSING YOU SEXUALLY TO TRANSMISSABLE DISEASES! I know Pep is with me on this one (we are health care chickies!)

That in itself could be a death sentence if this guy is sleeping around with more than you know...all it takes is once with the wrong person and then back to you...

You are getting sound advice. How old are you and your BF? WHATEVER you do, do not get M "for the sake of the baby". If you want to give your BF the benefit of the doubt, you need to wait a few years.

Make him prove to you this will not be a trend you end up dealing with. Cuz once you get married it will be that much harder to walk away.

I am 34, he is 27. I am not ready for marriage. I have been married before, he hasn't. If I were to ever get married again, it would be a few years down the road, when I felt sure that it was something that would work and all the kinks or at least most of them are worked out. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt because people do make mistakes. Up until this situation, I have never had any problems with him or doubted his fidelity or feelings for me. We have been together 3 years, even though the first two were casual. We have been living together 1 year.