This is my first post. I just found this site today on an internet search. I was hoping for some advice. Here is my situation. I have known my SO for 3 years and had been involved with him on a casual basis for about 1 1/2 years. We are good friends. He came to stay with me Sept 2004 and has lived with me ever since. I got pregnant shortly after and miscarried in October. I ended up getting pregnant again in November. We decided to get more serious in our relationship and be together sometime between the miscarriage and the 2nd pregnancy. Well during my 2nd pregnancy, he cheated on me. It happened around April 2005. He claims that was the only time he slept with her and the only time he has cheated on me. I had my baby on August 17, 2005. Shortly after, he finds out she is pregnant and says it's his. I just found out about it yesterday. He said he wanted to tell me sooner but I was pregnant and then I had post partum depression after I had the baby and couldn't find the right time until yesterday. I am totally crushed. He says that he told the OW that he doesn't want to be with her, that he is staying with me. He does want to have a part in the OC life. He is adamant about raising his children together and wants me to take part in that. He says the girl is going to need alot of help from him because this is her first child and she doesn't know anything about children. He says he really needs me during this time. I feel like what am I gonna get out of it if I stay. I feel like if I stay with him, he will benefit, the OW will benefit because her child will have a father in it's life, but I ain't getting anything but heartache. I feel so angry and so hurt. I want to ask him to leave but then I want to be with him and work things out. He says that him having sex with her had nothing to do with me. He says he is happy with our relationship and that what he did was purely physical. He says during that time, he didn't know what he wanted and shortly after he slept with her, was when he knew that I was the one he wanted to be with and raise our child with. He thought that it was done with her but a couple months later wham! he finds out she is pregnant. Not what he intended at all. For the past couple days, I can't do anything else but think about the situation. I can't focus on work and all I want to do is cry. I need some advice on what to do. Should I stay and if I stay what will be the agreement he and I make to continue in our relationship and deal with the OW and OC due in Jan 2006. If I leave, I don't have to deal with that situation anymore, but what impact will that have on his relationship with our daughter together. They have bonded so well, he is her caretaker during the day when I am at work. I really want my daughter to have both her parents in the household. I am so torn. He answers any questions I have. Please give me some advice.

[color:"green"]Well, since noon eelse is jumping in here.....FIrst, I am very sorry that you are in this situation, I know it is not easy, by any means.

It will be extra hard on your relationship since you are NOT married, therefor there is a lack of commitment, no matter what you say, it is just not there as it would be if there was a marraige. I don't say that to be mean.

For all intents & purposes you are a 'single mother'. You have a lot to consider. You guys can try to POJA an agreement that you can BOTH be comfortable w/ regarding C w/ OW & future C w/ OC.

Legally, he should NOT be doing ANYTHING for her (OW) until DNA has been established. He really does NOT know if this impending baby is his or not. Unfortuneately, men do not have the luxury that us women have of carrying the baby inside our actual bodies to know for sure. Those are just facts, nothing personal.

I think I would step back & evalulate WHY *I* created a baby in an uncommitted environment to begin w/. It leaves the situation open for so much heart ache not only for you but also your child.

From there you both need to discuss whether you truly WANT to be committed to each other or not. I think that is the first decision. IF you decide to be committed & get married then some pre-marital counseling is in order.

Obviously you will be in each other's lives forever since you created a child together but that does not necessarily mean that YOUR personal relationship will be intact.

From a practical stand-point: you should consider setting up a CS order for baby. MOST states (not all) will give a higher percentage of CS to whoever files first. So it is in your child's best interest to file first.

Take care of YOU. Try to eat right, get soem form of daily excercise. It will help you cope, mentally & physically in these first few days & weeks. @ lest try to take a walk every day out in the fresh air if you can.

I am very sorry that you are in this situation BUT you WILL make it through, no matter how it turns out.

Sincerely,
kt[/color]

I replied to you on your thread in the Just Found Out forum

((((ricanmami))))) i am so sorry that you have to find a place like this, but if this makes any sense at all, this is a good place to find.

i remember those early days when i first found out. i was so overwhelmed and heart broken. i kept pinching myself praying to wake from what i hoped was just a dreadful nightmare. I think all of us here can relate to how you feel.

We actually have something in common here too. I was not married to my h when it all hit the fan either. His little adventure in debauchrey took place while we were engaged and he told me that OW was pregnant about a month before our wedding. We had been living together for 7 years when he temporarily lost his mind. For reasons that i still find difficult to fathom (but that probalby have a lot to do with my competitive nature), i married him anyway. We have been working at rebuilding ever since.

KT has given you some good advice in that you really do need to secure your childs future by getting a CS order in place now, before the OC is born.

other than that, i would not personally recommend making any serious life changing decisions about your relationship right now. You need to give yourself a chance to properly absorb the situation before you go making big decisions. it is very easy at this time to stike out in pain and anger and your initial reaction might not be what your considered reaction would be.

I think it is good that you partner is planning on being a part of the OC's life but he should also understand that that does not mean that he should or needs to be a part of OW's life. There are many ways for him to be an active parent while having minimal contact with the OW. If she needs help being a mother, well she should have thought about that before getting involved with an attached man.

You know i read somewhere that one of the most common times for a man to cheat on his partner was when she was pregnant with or very shortly after the birth of their first child. It makes sense in a sick kind of way. Apparnelty the responsibility of it all can warp their brains <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
So while i think your partner excuse that his relationship with the ow was purely physical and meant nothing to him is pretty lame, it might have a grain of truth to it.

It is the advice of this site that in a situation like this, the best thing you and your partner can do is focus your attentions on working out your relationship and leave the OW to her own devices, at least until the baby is born. He cant be running between the two of you. My h tried that and he very nearly lost me becuase of it. At this time, if you do decide you want to keep your relationship, you need to be the absolute centre of his world. it is the only way i think that you guys can possibly survive this.

anyway, i seem to be writing a novel here. big hugs to you.
you will get through this. you will find strength you never knew you had and you will rise above it all.

Carolyn

Thanks for the advice, it makes alot of sense. I know I am not married to him but I feel he is committed to me in spite of it all. He has told me that I am the woman he wants to spend his life with. He has told me that he will not see the OW until the baby is born. He says he feels no emotional attachment to her. He is the type of person who does not have emotional attachments to people, not even his parents. I can say the only person he is emotionally attached to is his sister. Now he is emotionally attached to our daughter and me. I have never known him to lie to me except for this time, which is why I was so taken aback by it. He doesnt lie to me about how he feels about me. He doesn't love me. It isn't something that comes easy to me, but I can accept that. But he also says that he is growing to love me and will love me because that is something he wants. He has issues and he accepts that. The reason we are still together is because I accept him and his flaws, other females he has been with couldn't understand him. Our baby was not planned but she has been a blessing. And yes she was created before we decided to be serious about each other. The good thing about our relationship is that we are able to communicate. Over time we will discuss this and hash it out. Right now I am taking it one day at a time and praying to God for guidance. If you all have any other comments or advice, I greatly appreciate it.

What you 'feel' is not alwyas what is truth. IF he felt as committed as you do---then WHY did he have sex w/ another woman? AND make her pg?

AND as far as his emotional attachments....well, I pretty much already agree w/ everything PEP wrote in your JFO post/thread.


I think 'other females' he has been w/ didn't accept his BAD behavior & his disrespect for women in general. WHY are you wasting your time w/ a man who admits openly by his actions and verbally that he does NOT love you?

WHEN your dd grows up & she is involved w/ a man JUST LIKE THIS------WHAT would your advice to HER be?


Did he communicate to you when he was having sex w/ the other woman? I'm sorry but the things you are saying that he does & then your thoughts about it are completely contradictory.

I think you need to get yourself in some individual counseling to explore why YOU allow a man to disrespect you liek this & you think it is ok.

I hope you can be strong enough to get past this destructive relationship.

Good luck to you.

RicanMami, I'm sorry you are going through this, but maybe it's a wakeup call for you before it's too late and you waste anymore time.

I dated a man (I was 23 he was 26 at the time) for about a year once who "didn't love me". At first it was no big deal, we were just dating. Then I began to have feelings for him and I thought surely he would have feelings for me. He was one of the "best" boyfriends I ever had. I practically lived at his house, we did most things together, he showered me with gifts, showed me off to his friends and basically was a great guy...and the sex was awesome (for him as well;-). When I realized he couldn't say the words I said, I thought he was just a slow starter. But as time went on it began to bother me. We were at a wedding when it hit me like a slap in the face. Without even thinking about it I hugged him and said those 3 little words. I had said them before without reciprocation, but he was sweet about it. This time he just looked at me and said "I know you do" and gave me a hug. I thought, "HOW NICE FOR YOU!" That was it. I spent the night with him that night, but didn't have sex, stayed up and told his rommates I was leaving. I got up in the morning and left. I talked to him once a month or so later. I think he thought about me threw the years and if I would have gone back to him, he would have taken me. But WHY would I want to settle for that?!?!

It was nice, comfortable, and sane, but love it not something you give away without reciprocation in a committed, strong, lifetime thing.

Please heed the advice you're given. File for CS, move on. He may come around someday, he may FIX HIMSELF and if you're willing and available, you can reconsider, but this is a mess and to do it for someone who is NOT your H and NOT in love with you???? I don't think so.

I'm assuming by your name that we have in common our place of origin, PR ... sometimes I wonder if the differences in culture make us see different the cheating and the A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Anyway ... do not make any decision now ... take time to think about everything, to read here and if it is possible to get individual counseling and consider with your partner go to couples therapy ...
Think about what do you want and about your future ... do you really want to stay with someone because he does love your daughter ... that is important, but what about you?
You deserve to love and be loved ... not to love and hope to be loved ...

But DO set CS for your daughter ... and as my lawyer told me ... CS is not about you or your relationship with xH ... it is about protecting your daughter's future and take care of her.

Do not fear that because you are asking for CS that your partner is going to leave you ... it is for your daughter ... if he uses that as an excuse, there is your answer ...

He does not have to deal with OW until OC is born if he wants contact. There is no need for him to keep seeing OW now ...
Do not take as a justification that he feels responsible for OW because she is pregnant ... it is not right. Otherwise, continuous contact with OW will only make the situation worse for everyone involved ...

*UPDATE*
I have spoken to the other woman. She corroborates his story. So it seems to me that he is telling the truth. They only slept together once. They never had a relationship. They saw each other once before they slept together. She isn't happy to be pregnant, but she is and we can't do anything about it but try and raise these kids to best of our abilities. She understands that I will be a part of her child's life forever and that child will be part of our family with our children. From what she says, she has no problem with what is expected from her and how things will be. So we shall see how things go. It's not an easy situation, but we won't be the first family to be in this situation. It seems to me that this is becoming the norm, unfortunately. The most important thing is that these children be taken care of and be loved by all people involved. Any and all comments are welcome.