Hi all.

<edit: Warning: This first post is very long, but the bare essentials of my situation are in the first 3 paragraphs. Any advice is very welcome, but I don't want to consume hours of your time making you read.>

I've been watching these message boards for about 2 weeks now, and I've tried to take in all the advice that I could just looking at other people's stories. But I'd like to put my own story out there (I think I just need to let it out more than anything) and see what words of wisdom you nice folks have for me.

My story is a bit different than most I've read in that my wife and I are both fairly young (I'm 26 and she's 22) and we have no children. We've been married for about a year and a half. So, I'll get to my point so you don't stop reading, and I'll give you more background later if you want it.

I found out a little over two weeks ago that my W has been having an affair with another married man (although he is supposedly going through a divorce). When I finally asked her one day why she didn't ever want to spend time with me anymore, she broke down and started crying and told me a little about what was going on. We didn't talk much about it for 2 or 3 days, then she moved out into an apartment with this man 4 days after I found out that there was a problem. She has explained to me that for almost as long as we've known each other, she has not felt an emotional connection with me. Looking back, I probably have to agree with her. I, however, had never been in touch enough with my emotions to realize that anything was wrong.

Summarizing her words: In short, she does not feel like she knows who she is and needs time to figure it out. She has never really lived alone. She has always had pressure put on her by her parents, and she feels that she was pressured into marrying me and doesn't know if she ever really loved me.

We had a strange relationship starting out. I met her during the summer, but had to go away to college in another state. We kept up a mostly instant messenger relationship for a year until I graduated and was able to move closer. She was still in college, and I moved back in with my family for a year which was still a good 4 hour drive from where she went to school, and we now maintained a telephone relationship for another year. During all this time, we became experts at not dealing with our emotions and not communicating our emotions with each other. We were both in pain, but neither of us wanted to cause any more pain for the other.

The next weird thing: After 2 years of very long distance relationship, I was convinced by her parents to move in with them to be closer to her and find a job by them. Even at the time, I was uncomfortable with that arrangement, but she seemed comfortable with the idea, so I moved in with the future in-laws. It turns out that the future W was also very uncomfortable with the situation and also felt like she was being manipulated by her parents because they wanted to control her life. So, I was much closer to her geographically now so I saw her much more often, but it was almost always at her parents' house. [trying to make the story shorter] The next year I moved down to her college where I knew no one but her and started work on another degree myself. We were married during that year.

So, a year and half later, I notice an extreme of calls on our cell phone bill to a phone number I didn't recognize, and she started spending a lot of time away from home. We have always gotten along well and never have had a fight (which might be because of the emotional disconnect). I've found out that for the past several months, she has felt very unhappy in our relationship but didn't let me know. She put on a happy face to keep me from feeling unhappy (she says). I feel denied of the emotions that I had the right to feel, but could not because she didn't tell me how she felt.

Anyway, since I've found out, my emotional floodgates have opened, and I've realized how bad our commication has been for years. I've also felt terrible for all the times over the years that I have not been emotionally supportive like I should have been. I'm deeply in love with her, but she doesn't seem to believe it. She says that if she were gone I'd be able to replace her with any intelligent woman who would listen to me and laughed at my jokes, but this is not the case.

I want to save my marriage to her more than anything else in the world, but things are not in good shape. She is living with the man with whom she's had an EA for the past 3 months or so and a PA for at least a month probably. He's a grad student in her department and a former school teacher in the small town where our college is located. I am the only person other than my W and the OM who knows about their A despite the fact that OM is still married. W and I are both just started seeing counselors at our school, but it doesn't like it will provide much help. (We go to a pretty small school in a small town without many mental health resources.) We correspond almost exclusively by email now, and we have fairly open discussions. But she never responds to my questions about the possibility of divorce. I wonder if she is just trying to hold onto the fantasy world she has created with OM. Many things that she writes make me feel like I have no idea who she is. They are both very concerned with OMW finding out since they are going through the divorce process. She says that OM's marriage ending has nothing to do with A even though the A started over a month before he moved out.

I don't feel like my wife is thinking clearly. I think that we had marriage difficulties and she was in pain without me knowing. Then, OM came along and she told him about our problems. He listened, and then she created a whole fantasy world with him... in which she still lives.

I'm sorry I wrote so much. I have no friends where I live other than my W, and I have never been able to talk to my family about issues like this. I love her more than anything and want to build a relationship with her like the one that we both deserved for the past several years. I would greatly appreciate any advice for a person in my situation.

Scott,

I was really moved by your story. Sorry you are here, but it is certainly the right place for you! I see a lot of potential in your story. I'm not sure if I have the right advice, but I know there are many others much wiser than I, that do.

I think its critical for you to get your wife to come back home. Even is you live totally as roommates. Then you will have the opportunity to prove to her what you are saying and feeling. You will be able to talk face-to-face and build deposits in her love bank. Plus, you will be able to rebuild your relationship.

The place for you to start (if you haven't already done so) would be to get a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair" and read it. I got SAA from my local library. I printed off the worksheets (available free on this website) on Emotional Needs and we completed them together. There are links at the top of this website to get you to Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. Once there you can spend hours reading on how to get your marriage on track, but it starts with your wife coming home. If she won't, then I think you'd be wise to expose the A to her family to elicit their pressure for her to end the A. I know it sounds counter-productive, but it is designed to bring the A to the light of day in hopes of ending it.

I know what its like to be alone in this. For a long time, this board was my only life-line and it probably will be yours! Welcome and keep us posted on your progress.

Whew,
Well, your story isn't much different than most of the ones I've read here. Everyone has their own twist of course. You are in the right place. Reading the books will help. I would also recomend "love must be tough" by
Dr. James Dobson.

I agree with Nay - Nay, if your wife will not come home and work on the marriage. You should expose the affair. Why doesn't she want OMW to know? Because he is going through a Divorce? Does he have children? If you expose Omw should be told. Maybe she is tring to work on her M too.

Can you afford a phone session with Steve Harley?

Keep posting.
VTY

I would expose the affair to the other man's wife. She may not even know about the supposed "divorce". That happens a lot around here.

Scott -

Welcome here. You have found a great place to be under the circumstances. Read everything you can here on this site and get SAA. You do want to do everything you can to bring your wife back home. Read up on Plan A b/c that is where you want to be right now.

I can relate to you regrading being disconnected from your emotions - my WH and I were like that. We never really fought at all

Exposing the Affair is key. The experts will be here soon to help you out with that.

You have a lot of support here Scott.

Blessings,

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Re-exposed today(3rd time). WH said he was leaving. He is still here.(sleeping still in other room, no ring)

VTY,
Yes, I agree that at its core my story is like countless others on this board. It sounds horrible, but it seems like I would have an easier time asking her to come home if it were "for the kids."

She doesn't want OMW to know because she thinks it will "complicate" their divorce, OM thinks that his wife will be devastated if she finds out, and OMW would take him to the cleaners in the settlement of their divorce. This is one of those parts that makes me wonder who it is I'm talking to. She has, until recently, always been about doing the right thing over the easy thing, but keeping OMW in the dark seems like they're only concerned financially. This also makes me question the type of person he is. OM has been married for 12 years and has no children.

As for phone counseling, I'm not sure. I'm a poor college student, but if I thought it could help my marriage, no price would be too high.

One other point is that my wife and I are often too smart for our own good... to the point of being really, really dumb. If my wife feels manipulated -- regardless of my motives -- I think it would push her away even further. We're making dinner plans for next week. I want to see how that goes before I do anything too drastic. I find it somewhat promising that she is seeing a counselor even if I do wonder about the quality of the counseling. Grrr... I'm very optimistic about everything, whether I should be or not. It's hard being realistic at a time like this.

To all, thanks for reading and writing back. I'm a mess.

Scott

Yeah I've wondered about that a lot.

Scott,

If it will "complicate" the divorce then so be it. I waited to expose and I am paying for it dearly now.

Kim

You would be very surprised how often it turns out to be a lie. My WH's OW told him that she and her husband had an "open marriage". When I exposed the affair to her husband, he said that he wished that he had known that.

I, like everyone else it seems, am very afraid of the exposure idea. I still have a very civil relationship with my wife, and she seems to be thinking about things. Is it reasonable to wait some period of time longer before thinking about exposure? Can Plan A type activities still go forward if she is living with OM? In talking to her counselor, they both decided that she needs to figure out "who I am." <--(her words) But then I wonder is she really in any position to figure that out while living with him?... Probably not. Anyway, I'm sick of taking both sides of the same argument.

Another thing with which I'm struggling is the "BS being controlling" issue. (see this post: You're Trying To Control Me. It's a very interesting post.) I want to be loving and supportive, and I also want to change some things in myself that helped to cause problems between us in the first place. I am seeing many positive changes in me already despite the awful circumstances. I am definitely better able to recognize and express my emotions. Anyhoo...

Scott

No_cute,

I've been on MB for over 4 years, and this is the first time I have run into somebody who's story is somewhat like mine.

My wife also said that her parents forced her to marry me. She was 19, almost 20 at the time of our marriage. What I've figured out is that women that young often don't know who they are or who they want to be. The're trying on roles to see if they fit. This is especially true if they have been overcontrolled by one or both parents. In my wife's case, she was completely submissive to her parents until she was sent away to college - and still was under their emotional control even though she was away from them. She was a good girl. But, everybody needs to establish their independence before they chose to become interdependent in marriage. Since your wife went directly from her parents to marriage - with her parents overinvolved in that process, she missed an essential developmental stage.

I haven't even read your entire first post - 'cause it is very long and I'm tired (sorry).

My advice to you would be premature, given that.

But... if she felt forced to marry you, you have a very serious problem - and now is the time to bail out on this if that is in any way an accurate view of what happened. She needs time to grow up.

I'm so tired now, sorry.

I usually don't read the stories of new victims anymore - but if I don't get back onto your thread, email me at mb11094@yahoo.com - and remind me to come back and read and post again when I'm fresher.

Our divorce was final this week - after almost 7 years of misery. I still love her - and she still never loved me. The only thing that makes it all meaningful and "not a mistake" is that we have a wonderful little girl - who's very existence makes life completely different.

So, if you want to stay in the struggle, there is a high risk of great misery but also the possibility of something wonderful.

I could easily have divorced my wife in the first year. Many would have advised it - but then, our daughter would not have been born - and I find that impossible to comprehend. The world cannot have existed without our daughter. (I know that isn't true, but .... it's the way I feel).

There is the "law of unintended consequences". Every choice has effects we cannot predict.

I'll be back.

-AD

Welcome to MB. That said, we need to get down to business. First, do not believe anything your wife says right now. She has been abducted by aliens, and therefore should not be relied at this time.

Second, as long as your WW and OM are having sex you have no chance. She is just giving you some crumbs so you don't rock the boat. Her story about OMW is mostly bulls***. As stated above, do not rely on her words. In other words, EXPOSE! Expose to OMW, to her family, your family and mutual friends you feel could have a positive impact. If you don't expose you are enabling the affair. Wishful thinking will not help you. She will not leave you because you expose, although she will be very furious at first. But if you let the A to go on like this, it will thrive in secrecy. Think about it, she is now living with OM and you wonder if you can push her farther away. My friend, she is already gone. The question is what do you intend to do about it besides accepting her crumbs and her lies. If you do expose, please do not forewarn her, for then you will lose a big sting of the impact of exposure. Discuss your plans with us, not her.

Third, while she is still having the A, you are wasting your time in counseling. No progress will be made while she is in the throes of the affair. What will happen is that she will use it as an excuse to say that your M could not be salvaged even after counseling. So stop the counseling while she is living with OM. You are truly wasting your time on that front.

Fourth, since you guys are so young and don't have children, like AD, I strongly advice you to bail out. You don't have the long history to make this worthwhile, and she never really displayed to be the type of person to make it worthwhile.

Fifth, being in Plan A does not mean being a doormat, I don't think. Let us help you with a plan. Accept reality for what it, and react to what is the case, not to what you want to be the case.

Lastly, we are here for you. Again, if you want to save your M, expose!!!

Best

Hmmmmmmmmm..........

AD and UVA, thanks for your posts.... Depressing, but probably right. I need some time to process this.

Scott

no cute

I was a WW myself so I come from a different side of the situation I suppose.

However, after many many months of couselling and some pretty hard work with my H, I have fought my way back to him, and he has forgiven me, though the pain may never really go away for him and myself. Its one of those things you live with and accept responsiblity for.

The hard fact you must face right now is this..your wife is gone.

Its harsh, it hurts and its wrong, but that is the way it is.

Dr Harley says himself if the M is short - under 18 months, couple are young - 26 & 22, no kids, then you should seriously consider divorce asap in such situations.
Frankly you should both still be in a part honeymoon type of happiness.
In my own situation we have been married for 19 years - I stuffed it up about 3 years ago. Most of the issues were not marriage ones at all in my case but my own issues. I was lucky my H found the strength to forgive and have me as his wife again. THAT was so hard for him.

However, if you do wish to fight for your M - and dont think we advise people to Dv willy nilly - we HATE IT - then we will try to help you as much as we can.

Now EXPOSURE.

This feels so wrong, as if you will drive your WW further away..but hey no cute..shes is slready gone!!
Expose to her family, the college because of the student/ grad student/teacher relationship and the OMW. This is SO important.
Please listen to me on this one point.

If you want ANY chance you must expose right now without warning!!

If you dont, then go down to the court house, fill out the Dv papers, sign them and lodge them today. If thats your decison then cite abandonment and adultery and get it through in 6 months if your state allows that, Because you will be just saving yourself immense cost and emotional turmoil by doing so and moving on.
Please understand I'm not being mean no cute, I'm being realistic for YOU.

Now regardless of your decision no cute, I one more point to make which I CAN SAY I AM A EXPERT ON!!

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR HER DECISON TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!!

Repeat that right now.

You may have contributed to the M situtation but
ONLY your WW made the decison to have an affair,
ONLY your WW made the decison to move out,
ONLY your WW made the decision to live with the OM.
ONLY your WW made the decision to commit adultery.

This is HER choice no cute and NOTHING you did or did not do made her make that choice.

Her comments and statements to you are typical of nearly every WS who has been here or had their BS here. It was typical of my attitude...the only reason I didn't say those things to my H was that he was deployed at the time. But I suspect I would have. We call this place she is in the FOG here.

Can I tell you a open secret no cute... its all CRAP in capital letters.
Its selfishness and a complete cop out.
Now lesson from mamma hen over ..lol

No cute you are a young man with I suspect a fair shot at a successful life in the future.
As hard as it is - and you may need to see a doc and get some anti depress please please dont do the MAN thing and tuff it out if things get bad ok - try to make your decision on this M as emotionless as possible. Look at it coldy and pick it apart - like a college project - was it working ever, do you really love her or were YOU also pushed into the M or not - things like that.

Its likey you will be unable to decide for a while, so the first step in all this is EXPOSE!!
The OMW deserves this anyway.

So no cute get to work today!

No Cute Name:

First welcome to MB. Sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place.

Like AD I've been here 4 years. Reading, learning, improving myself. and posting a little.

Your situation can be simplified to one of two choices.

1. Pursue Divorce
2. Expose the Affair

Any other decision will prolong your agony and suffering. In 4 years here I do not remember any marriage that recovered successfully without exposing the affair. Especially when the A has gone PA.

So it's really black and white. Fight for the M or bail out now. If it was me I would probably bail out now because of your age and no kids.

Just my humble opinion, though...

God Bless,

Gib

This situation feels alot like my own except that my wife and i were not pressured into marriage. The similarities lie in that we are both young 23 and 27. We never fought. She never talked to me about her issues. And we have no kids.

I really feel for ya man because it all feels so hopeless. Wish i had some advice for you but theres not much i can say because im newly in the same boat as you. the one thing youve got going for you that i dont is OMW. EXPOSE THIS TO HER. To ****** with what it does to the OMs divorce settlement. Hes screwing you so you mine-as-well screw him (IMHO).
And dont believe a word your wife says cause shes up to her elbows in emotional bull****. Shes gonna tell you all the things you dont wanna hear and you can only stay steadfast and tell her all the things she wanted to hear all along. AND DONT do what i did and get angry at all. It will just set you back. I personally set me back so far that im not sure ill ever reel her back in. But this is the trials thats been handed to us to face, so face it how you want. Just be ready for pain, saddness, anger, and all those other fun emotions that come from being betrayed by the one you thought would never do that.

My prayers go out to you...
especially since i feel like were living parallel lives right now.

Good luck in all your choices wether you want to make them or have to make them.

just remember to accept the things you cannot change and to change the things that you can.

nocute..

Do you have a faith? What is it? Why are you married?


-as far as civil relationship with your ww...that just pissed me off a bit. What part of another man having sex with your wife do you refer to as a civil relationship? That alone warrants a good smack upside your head.

Fair enough. All I meant was that we are not exchanging angry words. The situation and her actions are not civil.

Scott

What do you plan to do?

-sorry nocute (I love the name,btw)

As a FBH I hoped that might spark you just a bit. I know it's really really hard to not be down right now, but it's ok for you to be ANGRY. Really Really Really Really Angry even... just don't sin. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (That's the hard part)

As a Christian, God hates divorice, and yet, he 'excuses' us and allows us to divorice in the case of adultery...this defines for you clearly how angry you can be...God allows us to do something he hates. (I'm sure this will spark a big ol conversation...I fear the reprecussions!)

Anyways, know that I'm thinking about you, and will try and help however we can over these pages.

Hang in there.