I am sorry to try and tell my story in one post. I have not posted much but read often. I know I will get blown off the board for my story. I am the betrayer, after finding out that my husband has also had two affairs in the past 10 years. I realize at this point that something has got to happen, we cannot continue as we are or I am afraid a pattern is set and the same thing will continue to happen if we do not deal with issues and get to the root of the problems. I, like several on the list, work with the OM. We have been friends for 3 years and have had an emotional, physical, and back to emotional affair. He and I both admitted the affair to our spouses. He moved out and had been separated from his wife for 5 months. We ended our physical affair but continued our talking, or emotional affair. His wife refused to give him a divorce. This past Friday, after much consideration and time, he decided that the thing to do was to go home to his wife to prove that it would not work. I told him that with that attitude, it would not work. I told him that I did not want to have any further contact and thought that it was time for each of us to get on with our lives. I have been going to counseling and my husband has just recently begun to go himself to a different counselor for HIMSELF. Hopefully we will make progress. BUT......On Sunday, the OM called me and said that all he has done is think of me and miss me. He told me of having sex with his wife on Friday night and how horrible he felt. He said that it was a bad experience for both of them. (My husband and I have not had sex in 5 months because of all this, but I now feel it is time to move on.) I just don't want to have sex without feeling like there is some progress. I don't want him to think that everything is fixed once we have sex. The OM begged me to please call him this morning at work and talk this over. I did call him because I wanted to tell him that I could not take it anymore and I just could not do it. Even if I did not think things would work out for my husband and I, now all I have in my mind is a picture of him having sex with his wife and yet telling me that I am all he wants. I told him that I wanted to "give up" to which he replied "forever" and I said "yes". He and I once thought that we would be happy together for the rest of our lives and once he went back and proved that his marriage wouldn't work, she would let him go. Also, he thought that he needed to do this for his kids so that they would know that he tried and they would never say that I broke up their marriage. I am so confused. I do not have feelings for my husband right now, but wish that they would come back. It has been so long since our relationship has been right. His affairs have been like a big elephant in the room. We are both aware of the elephant, but ignored it and pretended things were ok, and they weren't. I have discovered in my counseling that I am always the rescurer of the underdog and it is hard for me to say no or hurt anyones feelings. Today I told the OM that IT WOULD NOT WORK, I COULD NOT DO IT!! I told him that I could not stop the tape over and over in my head of him and his wife, and if he loved me so much how could he really do that to me. He asked if I would give it a few days and see if it got any easier. I replied that I was not even sure I wanted to adjust and for it to get any easier. He was leaving his office this afternoon to go home to his wife and his final words were that he loved me, he did not want to give up on "US" and that I was welcome to call him in the morning if I please would.<P>I am so distraught. I feel like everyone else that works with OM and believes that they are so in love. But yet, I know this is a fantasy too. I am having such a hard time dealing with all this. I think I think I want the feelings back for my husband, but I have not been able to get them yet!!! My counselor says that maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. I came to such a firm conclusion after thinking of everything over the weekend and knew what had to be done, and it seems today I am back to square one. I hope that this post makes some sense, because most days it is hard to even think straight!!! HELP!!! <p>[This message has been edited by Susan (edited September 27, 1999).]

How can I decide if what OM is telling me is the truth and when he is lying. He has always promised honesty, he said that that was all he could give me for now. I do believe he is honest, or otherwise why tell me that he did have sex with his wife. I hate hurting him and I hate hurting my husband. I feel so trapped.

Well... first off, I understand what you're going through. I am another on the board who works with the OP. I will try to address what you've said as best I can, which is difficult without going into my own story. <P>The OM may or may not be a liar. Most likely he is though. They tell us what we want to hear. They may really love us, but who cares? They go home to their wives or sig. others and we go home to our H's. That's the way it should be. I am DISGUISTED by my attraction to the OM... honest to god, it's true. I feel like the biggest fool on earth. My OM said that we were soul mates <blech> (I always add that at the end because it's so contrived and stupid) and that we'd be together "one day". Unless he means that he beleives in reincarnation and it occurs in the next life, then it isn't gonna happen. That isn't to say that I don't wonder still how it would have been, or that I don't still wish we could be friends, or that I don't shed a tear now and then over him. But what it does mean is this: our marriage is more important than any OM, no matter how great he is. IT IS A FANTASY AND WILL ALWAYS BE. <P>My marriage is in a very bad place right now. We have our okay days, crap days (this was one, so was yesterday) and our great days (last Saturday was the only one of those in September). Just because my marriage is suffering now doesn't mean I want the OM, nor that I EVER do. That relationship is over and gone. I don't have all the feelings back that I want with my H, but one thing is sure: I DON'T WANT THE OM. You've somehow gotta get to that point, at least.<P>You and I both work with the OM. That is, by far, the worst scenerio. Read Airhearts stuff to see how he quit his job and got away from the OW, although he's still in love with her. That took a lot, I'm sure. I have my reasons for staying in my job (it's a long story that has NOTHING to do with the OM) and I'm sure you do too. I believe what everyone says: get out of the job if you can.<P>I had a bit of an epiphany about the OM last week. He did something that totally blew me out of the water and it was as if my eyes were suddenly opened. I just hope I can keep this momentum. <P>There are two parts to your message, as with most of us betrayers: the OM and the marriage. If you can get over the OM you're half way there. Work on that! As far as the marriage, you can get the feelings back if you are both willing to work on it (and sometimes all by yourself). I don't know if my marraige is going to make it. If it doesn't, it won't be because we didn't try... sometimes people just can't get over the pain of infidelity. That's the sad truth.<P>I hope you blessings and success in your marriage. Remember though, you can't stay friends with the OM and work on your marriage.<P>Best wishes<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Well, today was no better. I called OM to tell him it was over and I could not do it anymore. He does not want to hear it. He says please just give it time and maybe it will be a little easier. He says he knows he does not have a right to ask me to wait, that I have every right to try and get on with my life but he loves me so much that is what he wants. I asked him if he did not feel guilty going home to his wife and not being honest with her. He said yes he does, but not that much because of how much he loves me. THIS IS SO HARD TO LISTEN TO. It is so confusing. I get my head on straight and then he messes with it. Sorry, I just had to cry to someone.

Hi Susan -<P>I'm so sorry for all the pain and confusion that you are going through right now. Welcome to MB and I'm sure that it will help you to be here. Just to be able to write out your feelings is a big help!! Add the advice, encouragement and shoulders of the caring people here and you'll feel much better soon.<P>Now, on to the problem at hand.....<P>I think that you said it best yourself in your opening post: You and H have to address the ROOT of the problems in your marriage. That is really what must be done!!<P>I have two thoughts as to why you need to change your focus.<P>1) How much can you possibly give in getting to the root of the problems with H if you still have contact with the OM?<BR>I don't think that you could give too much.....how could you with this in the forefront of your sight and thoughts?<P>2) Even if you and this OM were to think of a future....don't you think that you need to undertand and attend to the current problems in your life first?<BR>Do you think that by just leaving the marriage that you might just be running from the difficult task of facing problems and learning how to overcome them?<P>What I am trying to point out is that the OM has a set of problems that he has to face and address with his life and so do you!! What kind of relationship could there possibly be between two people who ran instead of allowing themselves to grow from the experience of solving their problems?<P>I think that the OM is being selfish here....He wants it all!! If he loves you so much, he would respect your need to address your marriage just as you are trying (if he didn't keep bugging you) to let him address his. You have the right idea about what you should do. I realize that it is difficult to take a step back, especially when that step is to face the work of attempting to repair such a mess that you and H find yourselves in. It must be done, though... I think that you know that.<P>I could tell by your saying that on the weekend you felt so sure of your convictions to work on you and H that you know what is needed. You are wobbling now because of OM's persistance. If it was not hopeless on the weekend - why is it hopeless now?<P>It's not - it just shows you that contact with OM is what the confusion stems from and what is taking more time away from doing what you must eventually do......Don't let this drag out further!! Attend to your marriage and whatever path you are supposed to follow will reveal itself.<P>Hope that I helped you a little.<P>Hugs and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<P>Thanks, it does help. I guess I just need prodding along constantly. I know what needs to be done, I know what is best, but having the strenght to do it and stick to it is a different story. I have discovered in my counseling that one of my problems is finding my happiness in trying to make others happy. I am the rescurer of the underdog. And it is impossible to always make someone happy. That is a problem in my marriage and other ralationships too. It is hard for me to say no. It is hard to hurt anyone's feelings. This is my problem also with OM. I guess I keep hoping he will just make the decision and I won't have to. I guess I would rather let him hurt me than me hurt him. This is not right though, I know. Thank you for the support. It really does help. It helps to have this board to share on too.

Hi Susan -<P>No problem - glad if I could help in anyway.<P>I understand what you are saying about being a GIVER!!!<P>I can't say no either!!!! It can get me in such a pickle sometimes...you'd think that I would learn.... Oh, well!!<P>In this instance though, I think that it could actually help you if you look at it that YOU TRIED to be nice and TRIED to now say no....OM is the one who went to his wife and that was your out!!!<P>Your feelings now are some newly initiated selfishness on his part. <P>Turn it around on him, tell him that you think that his original choice of going back to the marriage was correct and a very eye-opening example of what must be done......In essence - he chose it!!<P>See what I mean, it could be looked at as not your decision....it's not your fault if he's fickle!!!!<P>Doesn't mean that you have to be.<P>Also, add your H to your perspective - look at him as being the underdog!!<P>I have a feeling that you are gonna be OK......We'll all be here for you!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Thanks for encouragement. Today was great!! OM had a meeting and was not in the office. I could relax.