Also,

OMW wrote back and told me that she had suspected that OM was hiding something and that she was glad I told her and wanted to know more details.

I feel much better now. Thanks to everyone for all your help and advice again. I'll still need more.

Scott

Okay, I have another question. When I talk to my wife should I ask for her to come home? Or do I just need to be strong and go about my life and tell her to come home when she's ready? When I first posted here, some people told me that I should try to get her to come home basically any way possible. Would that just make me look needy and that much more unappealing?

I am trying my best to keep things together and stay on top of my school word while I hope that exposing to OMW breaks something open.

One more question: So, I just exposed to OMW via email. The first email I sent her was just sort of vague and letting her know that her H who had already moved out was having an affair while they still lived together. She told me she wanted more info, so in my second email, I let out most of the gritty details that I know. Should I be worried about her mental or physical health? I am. I asked if she had close friends or family with whom she could talk about this and told her that she could email me or call me about anything if she needed to. I'm just worried. What if she does do something to herself?

Scott

One more thing:

I do respect the motives of everyone asking me to seriously consider if this marriage is actually something I want based on the circumstances.

I just want to say that while I haven't been married as long as most people here and I have no children with my wife, I do not value my marriage any less. I realize that the odds may be stacked against me, but I intend to do everything in my power to save my marriage and repair my relationship with my wife.

(Note: I don't want that to sound angry or anything. I just want everyone to know that I've considered the options, I'm prepared for the possible pain I'm bringing upon myself, and I still want to fight for my marriage.)

Scott

Scott, you've decided on a difficult path, but it could ulitmately be very rewarding.

You may want to contact OMW and find out if she wants to save her marriage. Did you say if she has children? If she does want to save her M, point her to this site.

Take good care of YOU. Keep your mind on your studies as best you can. This is an important part of Plan A. Time for you to make some friends. Do you have any married male acquaintances that could possibly be supportive? How are you doing emotionally? Are you sleeping? Are you suffering from depression?

Contact your wife. Tell her that you would like to come home now. You would like the chance to be a better husband to her. You think your marriage deserves a fair chance. You can't work on your marriage when you are apart. Don't beg. Be as stoic and calm as possible.

The OM will likely be confronted by his W. There will likely be a confrontation between your WW and OM. WW will be angry at you for exposing. Be prepared for anything and remain calm and civil. WS get over their initial anger and a grain of guild will set in. Then it will be time to ask her again to come home.

Keep coming here. Keep posting.
I wish you strength, patience, and a calm state of mind.

losttranslation,
OM and OM's wife are in their 30's and have no children. I don't have any married male acquaintances, but it seems like everyone I know is engaged. I'm having a really tough time. W was really my only friend. I could work on the friends situation. There are people in my department that I hang out with between classes and such, but never do anything outside of school... so I'll work on that. I'm really not sleeping very much (as you might be able to tell by the times on my posts) and have a cold.

I am seeing a counselor at our college. This helps to at least talk about things. Counselor agrees with me that I have all symptoms of depression but believes what I'm experiencing is a more or less healthy reaction to grieving the loss of my wife.

From reading a lot around here, I've found some new inner strength and will do my best to be strong and calm while speaking to my wife. I think I can do it. When I first found out about her relationship I cried to her a lot for about 3 days, then she moved out. I think that now I'll be able to keep myself under control despite how I feel inside. I'm also trying to get myself prepared for the possibility of exposing to ILs (I have a good relationship with them), wife's friends, and OM's parents if OMW feels comfortable with that.

Thank you,
Scott

Scott,

Some BS, like me for instance, suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome. This means insomnia, severe depression, panic attacks, etc. It's not pretty, believe me. It's especially not pretty to a WS. They are in foggy la-la land and certainly don't want to face the responsibility or the repurcussions of their actions.

As strange as it may sound and as terrible you must feel being the victim of such a cruel thing, you are going to have to be the strong and stable one if you want to save your M. Don't be afraid to visit a psychiatric doctor, if needed. I myself was first able to do a good Plan A once I was on medication.

Oh and btw, check out the link in my byline. This post from ark really helped me "get" what Plan A was all about.

You should definitely tell your parents and WW's parents about this immediately! Tell them you love your W and that you will do whatever it takes to save yuor M. you want her back home so you can work on your M and that you would appreciate whatever support they can give you.

Dear ncn

Its great that you want to fight for your M but I suppose we wanted you to know its alright if you decide to say no more I'm off. You won't get flack from us, we'll try to encourage you but in the end YOU and only you can decide whats best for you.

Don't be afraid to decide that if one day its the way you feel thats all. One word of caution though, there are no guarentees at all NCN. You could do a perfect plan A or B or whatever and STILL fail... no miracles here just hard heart breaking work. I guess you know this.

Now, on to M saving if we can.

Ok first.... I would suggest you give the OMW as much info as you can and try to confirm in a nice way what their situation is....separated or living apart for the education & work or what??? If they were just Divorcing anyway with no kids why would she be that concerned?? No I suspect the story is different.
Find out, it may help you. If she has the money strings then it may be a good sign. OM is not going to walk away from that is my guess.

As has been suggested you can work with the OMW and even refer her here for support if she wishes to end this affair if it can be done.

Being worried about the OMW is quite natural, but you did not hurt her, her H & your WW have done that. Just like they hurt you.
Keep in touch ...refer her here..... encourage her to talk to family & friends. There is little else really you can do.
I suspect she would not be so hurt if OM story was true.


Now as for asking your ww to come home. YES at this stage because you want her home to show her you have changed and are a work in progress being stronger, more independant, meeting her needs, more open & sharing etc etc. Hard to dod when she is not there.
Asking but not being needy or weak. Thats the key ask her to come home to look at working on the M and consider the situation.

Now if she agrees to this know that she WILL be seeing the OM, she WILL be sleeping with him and carrying on the affair most likely. THAT is going to be so so hard for you. Are you ready for that ?

Harley says Plan A SHOULD GO FROM 3 TO 6 MONTHS. In the end its going to be how much you can stand. Some BS cannot last the 3 months let alone 6..its just too painful.
The aim of plan A & B is to separates the unfaithful spouse and the lover.
Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, Harley recommends plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to a plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.

Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, Harley usually recommends that the BS ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis.

Now can you do this NCN? The first step is invite your WW home and to let you work on meeting her needs.

Of course you don't really explain the plan to her, its YOUR plan. You can explain love busting & love banking & meeting needs if the opportunity arises so you will need to understand those issues.

I heard back from OMW. She described her side of the story. It was (of course) much different than my wife had described to me. For example, W said that they'd had problems for a few years, worked on things, then decided that things weren't going to work out in May, before W was really in the picture. Well, OMW tells me that OM didn't talk about any problems until she confronted OM in August about all the time he spent away and money that was missing from their bank account. Then, OM didn't finally move out until mid-September (the day before my wife moved out) into the apartment he had already rented for them possibly weeks earlier.

In no uncertain terms, OMW wants a divorce and she wants it quickly and wants OM to get what he deserves. Well, there goes my wish that she would beg for OM back and he would dump my wife. Anyway.

Scott

Glad you heard from her. Often, right after D-day, BS's want a divorce. But that usually changes. Did you let her know about this site? I forget, do they have children?

The adulterors always lie to each other ... they must in order to show how noble they are in their choice to cheat and deceive. >vomit<

The worst possible thing for adulterors is for everyone to know the whole story. Because usually half of what they say to each other is made up of whole cloth.

No children involved in this story at all. Thank God!

If there's any solace I can take from the whole situation, it's that we don't have kids involved.... well, directly. It turns out that everyone involved has been a teacher is a teacher or will be a teacher, coincidently and cruelly enough.

Great to see the life choices and morales that will be modeled for your children in school, huh?

believer, I didn't tell her about this site. Since she's so far down the road to divorce (getting the locks changed, already talked to her lawyer), that.... well, I guess there's whole portions of this site dedicated to that sort of thing. Also, she has good support from her friends. Okay, I should tell her about it anyway.

One piece of legal advice needed: I told OWM that I have an entire log of the email correspondence between our spouses. She would like to have them to give to her lawyer and to see them herself. Do you think I'm legally in the clear here? First, I don't know if a spouse has any reasonable expectation of privacy in a case like this, but I don't want to give OMW something in a way that it won't be admissible in their divorce proceedings. I don't really care about or think that there would be any legal problems for me, but if there would be, so be it... I'm right, they're wrong.

Scott

I don't think those documents are protected as far as privacy goes.

Should I tell OMW my desires to save my marriage with W? I want to do it in a way that lets her know that I'm not putting any pressure on her to help me.

Scott

I would be perfectly honest with her. When I exposed on D-day, I left OW's husband know I wanted to save my marriage. He didn't want to save his, but was supportive in me trying to save mine.

believer,

Thanks, I was thinking the same thing myself. Plus, there has been enough lying and secret-keeping going on without my help. It's nice just being open and honest. I just told OMW my intentions, but that I still respect her decision in choosing divorce.

Hmm.... forgot to point her to this site. I think I'll write her back.

Scott

I think I know the answer to my own question, but I'll ask it anyway. My W's parents will almost certainly come to town next Friday to see a concert of hers. Now, my wife has demonstrated that she in no way wants to let her parents know what is happening with us. However, it will be very hard to explain why I'm not at her concert when her parents show up (we usually go together to this sort of thing). Should I make it a priority to expose to the ILs before this time so I can get my story in? Actually, they like me a lot, but there's it's still in the back of my mind that people tend to believe the first thing they hear.

So, I guess what I'm really doing is fishing for support or encouragement or something (I admit it), since people have already yelled at me to expose to them. This is scary. Maybe they won't believe me, or maybe they'll never think of their daughter the same way. But "what's my alternative?" is the next question, I guess. There really isn't one.

Sorry to everybody, I'm just typing away on here trying to convince myself, I think.

Scott

DARN RIGHT YOU DO!!!!


WW wants time to 'SPIN' it so that "YOU" come out the whacko and at fault...don't think different for one second.

Get to ringing your Inlaws right away.

Wait. I have a better question that I keep forgetting to ask. When I see W next, where is the between doing nice things for her or trying to meet her emotional needs and being a doormat. She's gotten some reasonably important (not life or death or anything like that) mail at our apartment. Should I take the mail to her when I see her next time. Examples of what I can do to stay on the right side of the line would be appreciated.

I understand that the big idea is for me to be calm and firm and confident, but should I tell her that I love her? Or is that too emotionally charged for now? I feel like I'm trying to be too cold and calculating, but I don't want to mess things up worse by LBing or being a doormat for her affair. I'm just trying to prepare myself emotionally for anything she might say so I don't blow up or break down.

I'm still waiting for my infidelity-related books to arrive.

Scott

The mail

I would NOT recommend you take across to her where she is living with OM..no way.

If you can get it to her another way ok, or leave a message ok..thats because you are in the being nice mode for Plan A, but remember its does not mean walkover me.

In a way I think it would be good to just advise her, LET her come over & collect and if not..well too bad too sad, she can start facing some consequences for her actions even if you ARE trying to meet her needs.

I think this may be a good example of where you are being nice but not going overboard and being her servant and yes man.

In plan B you just would have NO CONTACT regardless of the mail..its up to her to arrange for it to be redirected. You would do NOTHING except maybe return to sender.

aussieswife,

Yeah, so I find myself in a situation close to plan b since I have so little contact with her. But I'm trying my best to have some sort of plan A. I was so blindsided by her affair and she moved out so quickly after I found out, I didn't have any time to get my head together. I'm trying to tell her as much as possible that I care about her and just try and tell her how I've been feeling the entire time that we've been together... even if she has decided to rewrite history. I will notify her of her mail, but I will not deliver it. That seems like the way to go. Thanks for the input.

Scott