Daisy,

I really feel for you in your situation. It must be incredibly tough not having any idea what the he[b][/b]ll is wrong with your husband.

In some twisted way I'm a little thankful that I have some idea what is going on with my wife. Anyway, as time goes by, I can definitely see myself becoming less and less steadfast in my determination to save my marriage. I will not wait forever... I promise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Even though our situations aren't identical, I certainly know what you mean by the ackwardness of goodbyes. I think it exacerbates my confusion about how someone can go from hugging, kissing, and saying "I love you" ... to someone content to just say "see ya later" and leave.

When my wife left after coming by last night, I saw (in addtion to still be teary) some confusion in her face when she was backing out of the door -- like she expected me to say something other than just "bye." .... or that she expected me to break down in tears or something. These are the things that I read entirely too much into, and I end up obsessing about these little meaningless occurances for days.

That's officially the quote of the day for me. I can't get over it. I love it. It makes me want to perform vasectomies when I grow up, so if an especially ugly or stupid guy has just received my services, I can say "Ya know, I didn't want to say anything before, but THANK GOD you had the vasectomy!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Have I mentioned that I'm easily entertained? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I believe it would be much more useful to ncn if he was only given support on his approach so he would not us his valuble time in defending his position instead of working on his relationship with his WW or resting from the ordeal.

Ncn did you fill out an EN questionnaire for your WW? Can you identify major LBs done against her? How are you working on keeping or developing a contact with her?

DLK21,

Thanks, but I'm actually cool with defending my actions. I think that anything that makes a person get a little introspective and look at what's behind their own feelings and motivation isn't a bad thing. I look at it as a benefit of this forum that people won't just assume that what you're doing is the right thing.

(But still, thanks for your comment!)

No. I haven't filled out the EN questionnaire. I can identify the LBs that I've done, but I should probably give these more thought.

If she's not contacting me, I'm "pinging" her. (Hmmm, does that sound dirty? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) That (pinging) is SH's word. But you know, I'm just sending her a little email every now and then telling her that I was thinking about her and that I hope her day is going well... or something like that.

I have found that using a list of my WW interests to be helpful in making lovebank deposits. Love is the motor to any recovery. If she feels you care, she has more interest in hearing from you. She will more easily believe that you have changed etc.

Here is my list as an example:

Necessary LB to a WW
Exposing the A
Asking for and of A to WW
Asking OM for end of A

Being attractive
Take good to great care of self

and all things belonging to you
Car, house,


EN affection
Saying sorry for all past LBs
Read LB and get ride of them all.
Adopt a way of being that only has Joint Enthusiastic Mutual Agreements
Be there at all times, especially if in distress.
Flowers on acceptable occasions.
Expressing my feeling of lost and missing her.
Some expression of normal jealousy
Some expression of change in BS actions.
Expressing understanding.
Validating her feelings.

EN Family Commitment
Taking good care of children
If no kids,
Taking good care of nephews, parents, in laws, friends kids,
Ask about them

EN Conversation
Call just to listen and small talk
Email, respond to her every emotion

EN Admiration
Congratulate on accomplishments
Comment and flatter on beauty.


EN Sexual fulfilment
To a WW compliments on appearance, nice hair,
choice of clothes, glasses, eyes color, bright etc
Tan, are you working out?,
Her voice. On the phone.

I have a strong need to have children and at 44, it was getting to be a big point of dissatisfaction in our M. How do people classify the need to have children in the EN? Is it like food, not an EN? I have not found a reference to this in the MB documents or in the 3 books I have from Willard Harley.

DLK21

ncn...
Had a hard time finding your thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.....kept looking for "ncn" ....silly me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

ncn & DLK
I was curious....how often does S.H. suggest you contact your WW when she does not contact you......

I'll be leaving soon and I wonder if I should call H every now and then....and want to make sure I don't call too often! I am trying to take a break from the drama. At the same time I don't want to end all contact.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> yes I am confused!

Thanks.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

Daisy, SH left it up to me to decide how often I should contact her but said to back off if she starts getting bothered by it. I'm actually talking to him again tomorrow.

Alright, so I came home from school today, and guess who was leaving my apartment building... WW, of course.

She came by our apartment to get some materials she needed for a paper in one of her classes. She also dropped off a book of mine that she'd previously taken by accident.

So, she didn't seem to even notice me as we were getting ready to cross paths (although I was bundled up because it's COLD). I waved and said hi when she was like 5 feet from me. She told me why she was here and showed me the books that she took, and she told me that she'd left my book for me. I said "thanks," and she then turned and left. I said by while she was walking away.

How do I ask her to respect my boundaries? ... or even tell her what my boundaries are. I'm sure I'm not welcome to show up at their love nest when they're not home, but she feels entitled to show up here whenever she pleases.

Anyhow, that's my news for the day. It's hard seeing her and having her treat me like a stranger... or worse than a stranger. I know she was surprised to see me, and I think she has a lot of trouble dealing with stressful situations. I don't know....

ncn....

Yah, I would think you don't want to push the idea of rebuilding your M too much.....

I feel that I did let H know that I still had not given up on us and that I did not see us as an imposibility....he knows now how I feel....I don't know if he likes it or not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />....maybe sees that after everything I am still willing....His email to his "friend" suggests to me that he is realizing that R and friendships take work....BUT is not liking that idea at all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />! I would like to show him that it does not have to feel like work at all...that it can be like when he learned to play the quitar...yes, it was work but it was fun as well and he enjoyed the process along the way........trouble is that he really has gotten himself so low......I doubt he would hear me if I said that..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

All the best with your session tomorrow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Hope it helps....

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WD,
SH left it up to me but I try to contact her every day. I see it a lot like taming a wild animal. Like taming the fox in the book The little Prince. It depends on her receptivity. I see it as a habit that I have. I write her every morning first thing and if she replies I anser right away. I can easily over do it. If I make her angry sometimes, it’s ok if it reaches a need in her that I had neglected and that I am now realising was important and I am now trying to fill. Like conversation, and being there for her anyway (the opposite of neglecting her). I’m a little crazy with all of this but she understands the intent at least and now forgives a lot of my goofiness. We talked 3 times 20 minutes on Sunday.

You could read SHATTERED05’s thread it is so inspiring. I’m a man and my WW is a woman (obviously), men’s needs are different from women’s, and your situation is somewhat different even if it is separation with out kids like ncn and I.
Hope this helps. Have a nice rest.
I know this is gruelling.
I must keep that in mind also.
DLK21

ncn,
You could try a version of the Joint Mutual Agreement. The negotiation could help her see that you care about her and also show her that you are worthy of respect. You could tell her you understand her need to come by, that you feel uneasy because of the situation with her coming by when you are not there, and see how she feels. My ww felt like a robber coming by, and that is what I told her I felt to. I said something like…Oh you’re talking the xyz? She had to respond. I see her visits as chances to engage with her.

Hope this helps

DLK21