Dear Dr. Harley,

My husband and I attended your seminar exactly one year ago. We were having major difficulty and prior to that weekend, I though all hope was lost. We were married almost 32 years and had had what I thought was a "perfect marriage" until his cancer which had been in remission for 9 years relapsed. To make a long story short, he didn't deal with the relapse well and had an emotional affair with my best friend. I figured it out before it actually became sexual but he denied anything was happening, they were just friends but they were spending more and more time together without me. I was absolutely furious about it but also thought I was probably over reacting so I held off confronting him again until I was positive.He stopped seeing her for a while and we went into counseling which was useless. If we had stayed there, we would have been divorced within months because the counselor actually drove him away from me and back to her. The feelings intensified and we were on the verge of splitting up. He moved out of our bedroom and I told him to leave if he thought she would make him happier. Something kept him home, though, and he finally realized she was not all he thought but still vascillated depending on the day or the cycle in his chemo treatments. Most of the time, he absolutely refused to give her up totally even though he was reading your material and we started counseling with Steve on the phone. During the fog of the affair he suddenly decided he and I couldn't communicate and had lost all emotion from our relationship. We did lose those things but only after he started spending time with her.

Anyway, to make another very long story short, he broke it off with her probably 10 times but always had to call to see how she was doing which started the whole thing up again. (He thought he could handle talking to her without becoming reinvolved.)FINALLY, he sent the no more contact letter and promised he was done with her for good. Unfortunately, he was admitted to the hospital 3 weeks later, was unconscious for most of the next 2 1/2 weeks and passed away without regaining consciousness. The last things he said to me were that as soon as he was better, he would answer any questions I had about the affair and then he was going to put it behind him. He said everything was going to be about us from now on and promised if she found out he was in the hospital and came to see him, he would tell her to leave (she works at the hospital although it's big and she had no reason to be anywhere near his room. She would check admissions daily,though to see if he was there.) He told me he loved me very much as they were intubating him, and was conscious enough several times to mouth the words to me again later.

I am now left with dealing with his death and trying to make sense of the whole affair situation. I know she caused it to happen because he never would have acted on feelings that might have been growing if she hadn't initiated it but I also realize he had a choice through the whole thing. You are so right in saying dealing with the affair is worse than dealing with the cancer diagnosis or death. He betrayed what I thought was a happy and secure relationship and now I'm left wondering if the marriage was ever what I thought it was. I'm very serious when I say our family of 4 was very close, spent almost all of our time together and was loving. He pulled away emotionally and physically when his cancer returned. I think it was not on purpose but was almost a denial of the illness. There also is a strong possibility the lymphoma had invaded his brain and cause irrational thought. He never had a CT scan of the head nor did we request an autopsy. In retrospect, I wish I had just to know about the brain.

I miss him terribly and have never had to live alone before. We married immediately after college. We have 2 sons, 1 is in college 5 hours away and the other is out of college and lives at home but I never see him so it's like I'm alone. I'm in a grief support group, reading about grief, and dealing okay with the death. It's the aftermath of the affair I can't handle. Were we okay as a couple again or not? Was she totally gone from his life or would he have called her yet again? I'll never know, never have any peace on that issue.

Thanks for being there
Ann

{{{Ann}}}

I think she was totally gone from his life.


'...The last things he said to me were that as soon as he was better, he would answer any questions I had about the affair and then he was going to put it behind him. He said everything was going to be about us from now on ...'

I think he meant every word, and that is why he repeated it. I am quite sure that he loved you and also that he knew you needed to hear those words .

{{{{{Ann}}}}}}
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. It sounds as if your H's EA was an attempt to escape the reality of his illness. Poor choice. I've been a nurse for 20 years. I have worked with many patients that in times of serious illness or impending death they get a certain clarity. They know what is important. I believe what your H communicated to you before he went into a coma is what he was truely feeling in his heart of hearts. There was no fog...only love for you. I'm glad he had the opportunity to tell you how he felt.

God Bless

Ann,
He loved you. He demonstrated that to you throughout your entire marriage. When his body was weakened, a predator attacked him. Don't doubt his love for you or your marriage.

Look forwards as much as you can. Those pages must turn in your life. What kind of men are your boys? That is who your husband was...he helped raise and train them up. Think on those things.

Hang in there. If you must have answers to questions, you could just assume the worst, and work from there. I'd probably recommend that against talking to the OW...that will just bring you more grief, I'm quite sure.

Andi51,

I feel for you... coping with both death and infidelity goes beyond the pale....

Often when I am dealing with a troubling problem, I split my analysis into three columns. What I need to know. What I think I know and What I really know.

You really know that you had:

1) a happy marriage for 31 years.. based on the amount of time you spent together as a family, your memories and the obvious love you still have for your husband.

2) you know that even though he did have an EA with a mutual friend... he never left your side for her....

3) you know his last act before dying was to repeatedly tell you the truth... he was trying to take away your pain... people don't bs on their deathbeds...let him take away your pain... give him that as your parting gift....

4) you know that you are alive... you have two wonderful sons...that after raising a family for so long there is meaning to your life...

5) you know that tomorrow morning you can get up early... go out and watch the sunrise and promise both yourself and your husband that you will make each day alittle better and little more balanced... alittle more interesting...

Ann ... life is not fair .. it can't be.. but it can always be interesting...

You are in my prayers..

PB

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You must feel very sad about his death and the affair.

I would think of his last words as being the real truth. The police will rely on a person's dying words as being true, under the assumption that when someone is extremely sick, all falsehood will be stripped away.

As you work through this grief, I hope that you will remember and celebrate the good years more and more.

An excellent book to read is "The Grief Handbook".

Also please stick around here, and post your feelings.

Thanks everyone. I have avoided coming back to this site since his death because it was painful to think that we were so close and then had it slip away. I'm glad I returned. Your words have really helped. I'm sure, deep inside, that you are all correct. We had a great life and do have 2 wonderful sons who, in some ways, are exactly like their father.

And, you're right, too. I won't talk to OW. I don't want to hear her side of the story. I did once and that was enough. Shortly after he admitted to the affair and had broken it off, I got a call from her husband that OW and WS were at her mother's house when he told me he was going to the mall. I went there and met her husband and we confronted them together. She was all full of sarcasm and smirks and criticism for me and her husband. Never once did she even act like just maybe she did something wrong. My husband was so embarrassed and ashamed and she was so smug...... I was ready to throw him out at that point and he begged and pleaded to stay with me.But hearing her side made me realize she had no clue. She said God made the affair happen because they didn't look for it. It just happened because it was meant to be. I knew from then on, there was no point in trying to be rational with her. So much for friendship.

Anyway, I will stick around. The support is so important.

Thanks loads.

It is a complete waste of time talking to the OW usually. I wonder why they are always so smug and nasty? You'd think that they would have a sense of shame.

But it was nice that your husband was embarrassed. My WH continues to think the OW is wonderful, no matter how snotty she behaves.

Ann,
I am so sorry to hear of your WS' passing. I was wondering what happened and thought of you OFTEN! I don't know if you remember me - Ban mtgs?
I don't know what to say. My heart breaks for you.
I think your H meant what he said in those last days of his illness.

Please stick around for the support you can get here.
If you want to contact me, I'll post my email and let me know you got it & I'll erase it. We've moved. We are the same distance away from the 'meeting' area, only to the southwest now.

Hugs, Ann...hang in there!
Frags

Dear Ann,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is an example for the w/s to try to think what their life would be like if they or their spouse died.
I know it sounds morbid, but I used to wonder if something happened to me, would my w/h wish he would have told me he loved me or would he mourn my death.
We just don't know how much time we have on earth. We all need to think and reflect on this fact and live our lifes like there will be no tommorrow.
I live for the day to hear my spouse say he loves me. I don't know if that day is ever going to happen, but I am still going to hope.

I am so glad your husband's last words were to say he loves you. That is every b/s's dream.

Hi Frags,
It was good to hear from you. I sure would like your email so we can keep in touch. To be honest, I've stayed away from the ban site for a long time and I know I let a lot of people down but it was too hard for me to deal with. I'm going to dump all of the messages in the yahoo site (I'm sure it's full) and hopefully you can send your email address there and I'll send you my personal one through that one. (Did you follow all of that???) I hope everything is going well for you. I would love to get together sometime if we can arrange it.

Ann

Ann

Andi,

Sorry for your loss. You seem to have a lot of unanswered questions which you need closure on.

Is it possible for you to call Steve to ask him for help through this period? He could have some good suggestions.

I found therapy in giving assistance. Big or little didn't matter it was the giving that helped me heal. I have been on MB for several years even after we went into recovery. I stay here for that very reason.

Find what method helps you heal. You will find it. Just be patient.

take care,
L.

Thanks again. Calling Steve probably is a good idea. I have no faith in other counselors. I'm sure there are great ones out there but they're hard to find and it's expensive to try one out for a few sessions only to find they're useless.

A

So how r u doing?

L.

Hi Ann,

Sorry, I've been away for a week (Disney with the kids) and did not see your response.

Don't worry about the ban thing. You needed to take care of you and yours. That was most important!

My email is fraggles1018@yahoo.com , please email if you can! I'd love to hear from you & maybe get together again.

Stay strong!
Frags

Personally, I think he knew what was probably going to happen when he went to the hospital and wanted to tell you those things while he still had time to do so.

If he didn't really mean those things, he would have never said them to you at that particular time.

I hope that helps at least a tiny bit with the grief.