Hi everyone from Australia. I just stumbled on this site because I desperately need to share my story with others who have gone through this. I have spoken to a few close girlfriends and have had one visit with a counsellor but would value people's views as I am still trying to get my head around everything. Please oh please tell me what your take is on my story below. Sorry if the story is long ...

My family details - Happily?! married (or so I thought) for 19 1/2 years. I am 40, my husband is 41. Husband is high up in corporate finance. Attends many corporate dinners and functions, entertains clients. I am a school teacher. Two daughters - 17 1/2 years and 14 years. Comfortable family life. Great sex life. We make time for ourselves as a couple. No problems that I knew of. No signs of an affair to me. Husband that I thought I knew has always been totally devoted to us.

Last Friday morning I discovered that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague that had been going on for about 18 months. I discovered this through a text message from the OW of just kisses on his mobile. He was having a morning shower before work at the time and I don't know what it was but something compelled me to turn his phone on, punch in the password and check it. I saw the message and confronted him about 20 mins later while he was having breakfast. (Our younger daughter had already gone to school, the older one was in her room still asleep).
There was just silence when I asked him about the message. He said yes that something was going on, she was a good friend from work who he could talk to about work issues, sometimes they would go out to lunch or dinner and it would sometimes go further (said it was just kisses and cuddles). He had been with the night before, arriving home at about 12.30 p.m. He had previously told me that he was at a business dinner with clients from Hong Kong. I was in total shock. He had two very important business meetings that morning (I know this for a fact) so he asked me if he could just sort them out quickly then he could come home and we could chat about everything. That was sort of okay with me but I really wanted him to stay. Meanwhile our older daughter had heard us speaking and became hysterical, ran out of the house and phoned my husband's parents. So that morning before my husband came back home was spent with phone calls going back and forth between me, him, my mother-in-law (who was appalled) and my daughter and I getting hysterical at home and ringing up the OW and leaving two rude messages on her answering machine. Little did we know it would get worse!
I needed to do something to get my mind off things before my husband came back home so I did the washing(!)He had dumped his clothes on the floor from the night before. Hysterical me decided to sniff his underwear, where I noticed there were crusty white deposits on the front (I wasn't sure what they were!). As he was still in a meeting at this stage, I left a message thought I'd call his bluff to say "thanks for the nice present you left me of cum on your pants". He got the message rang back and said he'd be home straight away.
This is the actual story. My husband swears this is the truth as he can't stand the guilt any longer - please tell me what you think ...
The OW in question is a 37 year old executive from his company. She is a size 18 (Aust sizes) blonde (almost a carbon copy of me). She does not work on his floor or in his area but he has some dealings with her section. He has said that she is a good friend, a nice person, who he can discuss work problems with. (If any of you are familiar with the financial world, I am not, it can get quite boring and technical at times, not that this is an excuse!) He said that they have been friends for a long time. Over the past 18 months they have gone out to lunch and dinner about 30 times. Sometimes, he said, the dinner would go further and sometimes it would lead to sex. He says that he has had sex with her about 6-8 times, once unprotected, other times using a condom that she had supplied. (Footnote - my husband has had a vasectomy). It all took place in her apartment. They would have dinner near her apartment so that no-one would catch them.
He said that after every time they would feel so guilty that they wouldn't speak to each other for weeks on end. But then the cycle would start again. He said that he loves me with all of his heart and would never ever ever leave me. He says that this hasn't happened because there was anything wrong with our marriage! He says he does not love the OW. She is "just a nice person. I don't know why it happened". What is puzzling to me is that, as mentioned above, we have had a wonderful marriage. We would always make time for each other, have great sex (at least 3 times per week), have been making plans to buy an investment property, have talked about the exciting things we could do for our 20th anniversary coming up. We have always been there for each other. My question to him 1000 times and more has been "Why?" he can't really tell me. Said maybe for the thrill or curiosity.
We have talked non-stop since then about everything. He has pleaded that he will do anything and everything to make our marriage work, to make it up to me and the children, to build a future together. He has been crying, begging, gone down on his knees. Says he loves me and only me. He is begging for forgiveness and says the only way the marriage would end is if I threw him out but even then he would do anything and everything to salvage it. Says he will give me all the time in the world to work through this individually and together. Says that he will cut off all contact with her, will come home early every night, will always have his mobile turned on, will do anything and everything to make me trust him again. But I am still trying to process everything ...
Now my whole world has been shattered and I am acting like a mad woman. I am on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I feel strong, the next physically sick, the next crying, the next a mad woman ******-bent on revenge, the next minute calm again. I have never acted like this before and it's not fair! In my moments of "madness" I have grilled him about specific details, driven to her apartment and walked around outside to "get a feel" of the situation (not a very nice area either and it didn't really help much!), driven through the streets of the suburb where she lives, sent her warning and defamatory text messages, and (clingingly)had sex with my husband 6 times since I found out! In my moments of "sanity" I have counselled my girls with pretty good words of wisdom, almost like I am a third person watching down on myself giving sensible advice to others. I have told my husband that I want to make things work. We have been together for 23 years, married for 19 1/2. And I do. I have gone on a shopping spree and bought books on the subject, a meditation CD and clothes! The first session with the counsellor went well. But I still have so much disbelief and anger! I know it is still early days but I can't believe this has happened! I do want to make it work but apart from the actual affair, there are still some issues that bother and puzzle me:-
1. He did not admit to it. I found out accidentally. he was chirpy and cheery last Friday morning, asking me what I was doing that day. I found out - he didn't tell me!!!
2. How long would it have gone on if I hadn't found out? He says he doesn't know, probably not much longer because the guilt was getting to be too much.
3. He says that no matter what I say, he doesn't hate this OW. She is still a nice person. (Such a saint - even does charity work in Cambodia!)
4. If the guilt was so bad for both of them after each time, why did he keep going back for more?
5. He admitted that he deleted many text messages and calls previously from his phone so I didn't know that he had such frequent contact with her. Something that I forgot to say was that I saw a message on his phone 4 months earlier that said, "Arrived safely XXXXX". When I asked him about this I took his word for it that it was just a person being friendly - silly me. This was the only other sign I had that I can think of, apart from his occasional late nights where he was out. He had many business functions on anyway (I know this for a fact) so late nights weren't unusual.
6. He told me that one of the times that they had sex was on a Saturday morning on the way to working overtime on the weekend. He drive into work on this occasion, picked her up at her apartment, and they had sex before they went into work. He dropped her home that afternoon. It turns out that on some other weekday mornings when he drove in (he usually caught the train)he would pick her up on the way.

And so I have my dilemma. I do want to work things out but I am so hurt and confused. I can't handle the deceit. I keep picturing them together. I am lacking in self-esteem. My older daughter has to do her final school exams in 3 weeks time. (Great timing!) I am on school holidays at the moment so I have a lot of time to think but how will cope when I have to face my class again in a week's time? Counselling and friends have been a great support but I am just so traumatised and angry that I have to go through all of this in the first place!!!! My world as I know it will never be the same. I want to turn back the clock.
Please, please, anybody and everybody. I would value some opinions on this matter. This website seems great so I will use it to read things and as a support but I would love to talk to others who have been through something similar and get your take on what I have written above. Thanks so much and love to you all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Allnew,

I almost passed up your story because it was long, but as I read, it was my story. So I have to respond to tell you that you are living my life. I'm 10 months out is all.

Don't want to bore you with details except to say the similarities are
1) they work together (he is - yes still is - her boss)
2) They were off and on for 10 months
3) The usually had sex in his truck at lunch
4) many late nights that I thought were business meetings were actually dates with her.
5) I found out like you did, he did not tell me.
6) Afterward he confessed EVERYTHING, begged on bended knees for me to stay and cried and cried and cried.

In a nutshell, he also never put down the OW (who I knew quite well actually) until now. The fact that they continue to work together has allowed him to see her for who she really is...NOTHING! He doesn't talk much about her, but if he does he doesn't have anything nice to say. Not true right after d-day...like your H now.

I too had some suspicions, but since my marriage, sex life and everything else was great, I never investigated.

Here is what I have to say so late at night. I think your H is being truthful with you as he sees it. I think he has told you everything, but he might still be unable to see that OW isn't as great as he "thinks" she is. In order for him to have entered into an A with your marriage being "great" means he has some issues that he needs to deal with. GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING! Turns out my H had a lot of issues that he didn't even realize.

I was married 6 years together 10 when this happened. My children are young, both under 5. They do not know and I did not have to deal with them. But having seen my father's numerous A's during my parents marriage was hard on me and I could have used some counseling myself. Your daughter sounds as though she is very distraught. Please don't ignore that and get her professional help.

10 months after d-day my conclusion of what happened to me that sounds so similar to what happened to you is:
1) My h loves me, always did and his A had NOTHING to do with me or her.
2) My H fell terribly, but since that day of exposure has done EVERYTHING possible to prove his love and remorse.
3) I am happy I stayed, but it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard! You will go through horror! I wish there was an easy way to do this, but there isn't. Stay in MC and IC if you need to. I did both. Very helpful, but recovery was still so long and hard.

Please know I and we here at Marriage builders are here to help you through this. You will have a lot of emotions in dealing with this. We are here to get through this with support and God.

Blessings!
2

Just a few more things everyone. Sorry my previous post was so long ...

* OW is currently on 2 weeks "holiday" in Cambodia building homes for homeless children. In normal circumstances, I would like at this as very admirable work but I can't help but hate her. So she is not yet back at work. She starts back on Monday 10th October. As mentioned in previous post, hubby is in same section or on same floor as her but I am still worried about what will happen when she gets back at work, despite hubby's promises that he will never see or speak to her again.
* The last time they had sex was the night of Thursday 22nd September. Now my Year 12 daughter who is finishing school had her final school leaving mass on the night of Wednesday 21st. We all attended as a family and it was a joyous occasion. Hubby even had communion.
* As mentioned, he said he was going out with Hong Kong clients on the Thursday, when he was really with her. He went to elaborate lengths when he got home to tell me what had happened at the "dinner meeting". There are actually Hong Kong clients but he was relating stuff which had gone on during the day.
* In one of my "fits of rage" yesterday I sent her a rude text message, saying that it would be my last contact with her as she is getting too much attention that she doesn't deserve, that overseas charity work does not make up for what she has done and warning her to stay away from my husband and not have any other contact with him again otherwise, to quote, "my friends, family and I will make it our mission to slowly but surely destroy every aspect of your life as you have done to ours". About 30 mins after I had sent the message I got a call from my husband to say that she had called him to tell him the exact contents of the message. He called me because he promised that he would let me know if she contacted him. Her words (sic) "Enough is enough. Can you please tell them to stop leaving rude messages". I said to hubby that of course they will stop, as long as she avoids him.There have been 5 rude messages so far - 3 phone messages on the day I found out (2 from me, 1 from my older daughter) and 2 text messages from me (yesterdays and one a few days ago talking about KARMA). I have no intention of sending any more as it does me no good and gives her more attention than she deserves.
* When OW first found out on Friday that I knew, she said, "It was bound to happen. I knew they would be angry". (My husband had rung her to let her know that we knew and to tell her that if she got any abusive phone calls she was to just hang up).
* My daughter's Year 12 formal (like your "prom") was on the Friday night of the day that we found out. Parents were invited but my daughter did not want my hubby to go after she had found out. She still wanted me to attend. i got all dressed up, hubby drove me there, but I didn't end up going because I couldn't cope with sitting from 7pm till 12 pm with other couples around me an empty seat next to me. I knew I would burst into tears and I didn't want to upset my daughter any further. My daughter was remarkably strong but I just feel so cheated that I have missed out on such an important part of her life and I can never get that back.
* Last weekend (the weekend I found out) was the 24th anniversary of the death of my husband's older brother in a car accident. So the timing of all of this has just been horrendous (added to my daughter's final exams coming up in 3 week's time). Hubby's parents are furious but are very supportive of both of us.
* I have not yet told my parents and I don't think I want to. We have a good but not the best relationship and my mother would tell everybody under the sun and would hold a grudge against hubby for the rest of her life.

I would dearly value your opinions/advice on this. It would be great to have outsiders' points of view (people who don't know us). Thanks and love to you all.

To Godhelpme2

I posted my second post before I saw your reply to my first post so sorry if things conflict. Thanks so much for your replying to me and your advice. Sorry the post was so long -now I have unloaded almost everything I promise everyone they will be shorter! It was comforting to read your words and to hear about what your situation is like now. I hope that I can be happy in the future. I know I'll have to take it day to day. My warmest love to you for you marriage. Thanks again XXX

Hello Allnew;

Welcome to MB. It is 3:00 am here in the US so I am going to be brief.

Please purchase Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley (available on this site). It really is the best book out there on this issue.

Godhelpme gave you excellent advice but be aware her story is very unique on these boards. She reconciled her marriage while her husband was still in contact with the other woman (OW). Dr. Harley strongly suggest "NO CONTACT" for life with the other woman. This means either she quits or he quits his job. The temptation is simply to great for your husband to be near or around here, it will hamper your recovery no matter what the liar says (and he is a liar right now), and the pain of mistrust you would necessarily endure is not worth it. Your husband has said he would do anything to make things right...well it is time to start job searching. If he refuses then you have to fully expose the affair to everyone at work to get OW to quit.

Finally, copy and repost your original and follow up post on the Infidelity - General Questions II board. There is significantly more activity there and all the long timers post over there.

I am a BS (betrayed spouse) also - I know you are hurting but you need to be strong during the next coming months. Unfortunately, we can not change what our spouses have done to us. Your right about not contacting the OW anymore. It does no good. It is difficult to be mean or hate your husband because he is the one you love...so it makes it all to easy to redirect that anger of betrayal at OW.

My wife and I are regular posters and I look forward to discussing this more with you over the coming few weeks on the other board.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

Allnew

Here is an important post by Suzet that you may find interesting reading. I am not great at linking yet so I just cut and pasted.

________________________

And excellent post by Suzet about withdrawal.
MB members,

I know all the information on this thread I’ve posted before, but I’ve decided to compile a new, more detailed post with additional helpful information and links. Previously I’ve created a separate thread for BS’s and FWS’s on withdrawal, but this new thread can now be used and read by both FWS’s and BS’s. I’ve also decided to compile this post to share it over on the In Recovery and Just Found Out boards as well. I haven’t posted these information there before. Anyone who have extra suggestions and info on this topic (or other useful links), please feel free to share it on this new thread.

’FOG’ AND WITHDRAWAL

In my experience as a FWW, it’s possible for ‘fog’ to slip back from time to time during the withdrawal period, especially during early, intense withdrawal. Often early withdrawal and the ‘fog’ go hand in hand and it will be normal for your FWS to have a ‘foggy’ thinking pattern during this stage. The 'fog' lifts gradually as the withdrawal lessens and it will get better with time and patience.

An A IS an addiction and it does affect the brain chemistry of a WS/FWS. It is a feedback system where some behavior causes good feelings (chemicals) to be released and gradually you become dependent on those feelings. So thinking of the OP is sort of self-medicating when the FWS feels a little down.

It can take weeks to months for this to pass and that’s why No Contact is so hard because some of the residual feelings and response linger for a long time. With time, the "feelings" attached to remembering the OP will fade.

It has been suggested and even done that when the FWS start to really think of OP, that they call or talk with the BS. This behavior will start to replace one set of feelings and memories for another, sort of like quitting smoking. This is something you can discuss with your FWS.

LENGTH OF WITHDRAWAL AND EFFECT OF WIHTDRAWAL ON THE FWS

Withdrawal is not the same for each person and it affects each person differently. For some people, withdrawal is very long and intense, and some people don’t experience any withdrawal at all (no withdrawal is not very common, but it does happen to some FWS’s).

I believe the length and intensity of withdrawal depends on many factors such as the length and intensity of the A and the emotional involvement; the way the A ended and if there is still unresolved issues; personality; ‘sensitivity’ level of the WS etc. A good estimation of the time of withdrawal can be the length of the A. According to Dr Harley (see quote beneath) the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, but in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade. As I’ve said, it’s not the same for each person and every situation is different.

I think the time of withdrawal also depends if the WS were friends with the OP before it progressed to an A. It’s more difficult to recover from an A where it started out as friendship comparing to a situation where people start the A from the beginning (like a ONS) and have not yet get emotionally connected and learned to care for the OP.

IMO it also depends if the FWS suffers from depression or any other mental/psychiatric disorders. In my situation, ‘real’ recovery from my withdrawal started after I received medical help for OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder) with associated depression and anxiety. I also had unresolved issues regarding my childhood and myself at the time and I believe those things also had an influence on my personal recovery.


Quote:
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From Dr Harley’s Q & A column:

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.


Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.


It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.


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HOW TO ACT AND HELP THE FWS GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWAL

It’s important for your FWS to let his/her feelings out if she/he wants to heal. Bottling up and repressing of issues will eventually lead to depression. I’ve received the help from a wonderful, woman, Christian Counselor (who have also became a great friend and confidant of mine), but in spite of this I’ve developed depression and was put on anti-depressants. It will help if your FWS goes to a professional, outside, trusting, Christian person like an IC or pastor if necessary. If he/she starts developing depression, medication can be very helpful... The medication really helped me tremendously during the withdrawal period.

A MC is very valuable for the recovery of a M, but many times the help of an individual counselor (IC) or any other professional, outside person (like a pastor), can be very helpful too. The MC can be used to have one-on-one sessions with both the BS and FWS. An outside person is not emotionally involved and can help with personal recovery and to get feelings out. The IC can also address other personal issues the FWS or BS may have. I believe personal recovery and marital recovery goes hand in hand and sometimes it’s necessary to address personal issues first. A FWS in withdrawal don’t always have the courage to be totally honest and open in front of the BS about their feelings (out of fear that they will hurt the BS again) and this is the other reason why it’s important for the FWS to find a trusting outside person they can talk to.

It will also help if your FWS can read and post here. It will help him/her to get his/her feelings out. Support and help from experienced members here will also help him/her through this difficult time. While I was in early withdrawal, these boards also helped to clear my ‘fog’. Although I was still in withdrawal, these boards helped me realize that my ‘bond’ with OM wasn’t such a special and unique ‘friendship’, but in fact a very sinful and damaging emotional betrayal towards my dear H.

Here is some suggestion on how to help & support your FWS through withdrawal:

1. Be your FWS’s greatest friend and confidant. Encourage him/her to confide in you and create an environment & atmosphere that will allow him/her to feel safe and secure to reveal his/her innermost feelings to you. Maybe you can start to be honest with him/her about you innermost thoughts and feelings and in the process encourage him/her to open up towards you too without the fear that you will Love Bursting or criticize or judge him/her.

2. Be you FWS’s ‘sounding board’ during this difficult time. Whenever possible and whenever you feel strong enough, listen to him/her with empathy, understanding & care. Continue to communicate your negative feelings too, but do it without being judgmental or love bursting. I know this is a lot to ask and will still be hard to do sometimes, but you WILL receive the benefits, especially when both of you are further in recovery!

3. Realize that your FWS will go through stages and feelings of guilt, self-rejection etc. During this times, try to let him feel accepted, tell her that she made a mistake, but has decided to turn away and follow the right path. During times like this remind her that he is forgiven by both you and God.

4. Assure and tell your FWS that he/she must feel free to talk to you whenever he/she needs it of feels like it. Encourage him/her to speak to you whenever he/she feels ‘down’. If it feels okay with you, ask him/her about his/her feelings and show interest and concern about his/her feelings out of your own. As a FWW it was very difficult to overcome my own pain, loss and grief and on the same time dealt with the pain I've caused my H. I know it would have meant the world to me if my H could ask me about my feelings, without me initiating the subject.

5. If you FWS needs to talk and you feel it’s not the right time for you at that moment, have the courage to tell him/her that you really want to listen to him/her, but on another time when you feel stronger and ready to listen. At the same time your FWS must also have the understanding and care to allow you to be honest towards her too. This is really a give and take situation. Your W must also encourage YOU to speak to HER whenever you need it or feels like it. On this way both of you will help each other to heal and recover. On this way you will become each other’s greatest friends and confidants.

6. On a practical note: Plan events (holidays, concerts, movie nights, whatever) in the near future to attend together. It helps to give the FWS (and the BS) something positive to look forward to.

Remember, the pain ‘deserved’ for your FWS is real, and the healing to some extent really takes time. So, be patient with both you and your S and give it time and patience.

Symptoms of the Wayward Spouse and Recognizing Withdrawal

WITHDRAWAL, RECOVERY AND MEETING THE NEEDS OF THE FWS

Recovery starts as soon as there is NC with the OP. During this time the BS is advised to only fill the EN’s the FWS ALLOWS the BS to meet. This is so because the FWS is in withdrawal and won’t be able to concentrate solely on the BS and relationship. However, this will get better with time and as the fog starts to clear. Give it time for at least 6 months. During this time, don’t put pressure on your FWS with too much ‘relationship talk’. Give him/her some time and in the meantime, continue with a good plan A. No LBers. Also concentrate on yourself and do things you enjoy. As soon as your FWS is ready, he/she will start to open up towards you and you will start to notice some efforts from him/her. But give it TIME and PATIENCE. BE there for him/her when she needs you (the guidelines I have posted above), but try to keep things uncomplicated, unemotional, light and pleasant.


Quote:
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From Dr Haley’s Q & A column:
As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.


But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.


Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.


It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care. And that will be the subject of next week's column: Learning to meet each other's needs after an affair.


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Keep in mind that your FWS's conflict during withdrawal is internal and the BS should not take comments made by the FWS during this time personally. Try to convince yourself you are dealing with a sick charge if that helps you to remove yourself. Try to remember that the feelings the WS felt during the A and the feelings the FWS feel during withdrawal are real EVEN if they are based on an addiction to a fantasy.

Do not be surprised if one hour is good, one hour is bad, then one half day, then one day bad and good, and so one. The reason is the FWS is SLOWLY processing what happened. Every time a WS moves closer to realizing the impact of what they did or what they potentially did, it causes stress, which in turn causes the fog to settle in again, which in turn causes the FWS want to contact the OP. The mind cannot let us see the pain we caused all at once, it would be too overwhelming. Realize that wanting to initiate contact, or hoping that the OP will contact, or wishing for "accidental" contact will happen. This is a fact. It is not a rejection of the BS. Let your FWS speak openly about that - it is a way to help alleviate the stress/desire. A's thrive on secrecy. It do not thrive well in the light of day.

An A is a selfish, destructive, dishonest act. It’s said that the more "honorable" a person is, the deeper they fall into a seduction and therefore it makes sense that it is harder for a basically decent person to climb back out into reality.

FOR WS’s – GUIDELINES TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH WITHDRAWAL:

1. Keep yourself busy, although you may not feel like doing anything. Getting busy will keep your mind from wandering to thoughts of OP. Spend as little time alone as possible. Go to the movies, a concert or a play, whatever you enjoy...as long as you gets busy! Post here, pray, call old friends you may have been neglecting or call current friends you spending too little time with.

2. Get involved with ministry/community service/charity or anything similar. Helping others will take your mind off yourself.

3. Go to your Medical Practitioner and/or Counselor and get antidepressants if necessary. Don’t hesitate to seek professional and medical help if you feel it's necessary.

4. Show love to your S, even when it feels a bit unnatural, fake or forced at first. The acts of love became more real and heartfelt the more they are repeated. When you actively show love and receive feedback from your S, it will become pleasurable to repeat those things. The more you do them, the more real they will become. And spend time with your mate. Do something different. Get out of the rut. Develop new interest. Have fun together. Work at becoming friends again.

5. Make a conscious effort to avoid things that will remind you positively of the OP. Whether it's romantic songs or movies that you enjoyed, hobbies or pastimes you had in common, or just dwelling mentally on conversations or times you enjoyed together...you must do your best to avoid dwelling on them. Thoughts of the OP will pop up and the temptation is to daydream about them at length but the good news is, as you AVOID CONTACT with the OP and having NO CONTACT, these things will fade. The OP itself will become more of a blurry memory. When these memories come up, do whatever you have to do to stop thinking about them. If the OP pops up in your mind, turn your thoughts to happy memories of times with your spouse. Pick up a book, watch a TV show, read the Bible, call a friend, just try hard not to dwell on them. Again, with this, you will find it easier to do as time passes and there is no contact.

6. Constantly remind yourself of the great things about your spouse, and the not-so-great things about the OP. Be honest with yourself. There are areas that you KNOW your spouse is superior to the OP. If you can't think of any, grab on to ANY positive thing you can think about in regards to your spouse. Think of the things that attracted you to your spouse initially, or that you've always liked or admired or respected about him/her and focus on that. Think on these things. Remind yourself of things about the OP that were definitely negative. Magnify them if you have to. Remind yourself that your spouse have it over the OP big time in a couple of major ways e.g:

i) Your spouse didn't indulge in an A with a married man/women.

ii) They love you enough to want to stay with you and stand by you, in spite of the pain you caused him/her.

The above two things alone show you the kind of love and integrity from your BS.

7. Remind yourself constantly that love is something you DO, not something you feel. Love is meeting someone's needs. Love is action. Feelings come and go...especially fantasy-based and fog-based feelings.

8. Develop a good & strong support system which can help & encourage you to maintain NC and stay committed to it. You can accomplish this by taking the following steps:

i) Be honest & open with your BS. Your S must become your greatest friend and confidant. Your S is the key and most important person who can help you to stay committed and maintain NC with OP.

ii) If you have close friends of the same sex who are trustworthy, religious and set a high importance on M and the well-being of both you and your S, then confided in them. The same goes with family members. On days you feel ‘down’, weak and/or vulnerable to contact OP, you can contact them in stead and go to them for support, go out for a cup of coffee with one of them or whatever.

iii) Seek professional help & support. Go to a trusting, outside person like a Christian counselor/therapist or pastor. Make sure the person you seek out is religious and values the importance of marriage in general and the importance of fidelity in a marriage.

8. Know that there is HOPE! There is definitely hope for your marriage and your feelings for the OP can fade. Keep trying, and don't beat yourself up when you have mental and emotional setbacks, because you will. Just look at the big picture and keep going. Realize that recovery is not necessarily about strength, but most importantly the choice and realization that NC is the only way to go. It’s also about the desire to regain your own integrity in spite of your weakness and temptation to contact the OP during withdrawal and early recovery.

All new,

Leave OW alone. My H said he was told by HR that my contacting OW could be seen as harassment by him even though I didn't work there. So he asked me not to contact her. I found out from her...that was my D-day. I left her 1 message after that letting her know what my H had admitted to and that was it. I've seen her several times since and actually spoke nicely to her once. You'll realize in due time as I have, that the A wasn't anymore about her than you. You'll see she really is a non-issue.

Because I believe in my heart that my H A was about HIM, not her or me and was caused more by circumstances (a lot of stress in his life) than not getting EN met and stuff, in my situation, I did not see Dr. Harley's NC forever philosophy necessary in my case. I think it has a lot to do with everything else too. I think it is easier said than done to just say "leave your VP job of 11 years so there will be NC." For us, chances are we would have had to re-locate, leave my family and our friends, maybe be out of work for awhile, and he'd have to find another job that he loved as much as this one. When I weighed the pros and cons of him leaving his job (which I also loved by the way) it didn't make sense in my situation. I have no regrets about it. Actually continuing to work with her has allowed him to see her for what she really is instead of having all these fond (and inaccurate) memories of their A together. I think she and the A sickens him.

Your H behavior once OW returns is going to be very important. He needs to be an open book, allow you to check phone, e-mail, text messages and be available ANY time you call. No more late nights unless you can verify it with the client or join him. Everything must change. Like my H, he is a VP. Can he request a move to a different office as to not see her? Because my H job knew, they had no problem accommodating his request to be moved to a different building.

This is not going to be easy, anyway you look at it. Whether he stays or goes or she stays or goes, the healing will be the same. All I can say is go to MC right away and stay on his every move. Eventually once you see he is being honest with you, you won't have to "mother" his behavior so much.

As Christian's I encourage you to share your situation with other Christian couples or your pastor (priest in your case). There has got to be SOME male who will hold your H accountable and ask how he is doing and check on him regularly. My H has been dedicated to making sure he has a strong network of Christian male friends.

This is hard all new. You'll see as the days pass, it will get worse. You are still in shock and that lasted a little over a month for me. Then I spiralled into horrible depression for a few months and finally saw my way out of the fog. In some ways I consider myself lucky that my fog was only several months long. My grief was so deep I never thought I'd be happy again. After 2 weekends away with just the hubby and our summer family vacation, building new memories together has really helped me to move on recently.

God bless!
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