Hi, MB friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I thought I'd post an update thread, instead of finding my 100+ page saga in the depths of the nether pages.

So much has happened recently. I found out from a couple reliable WH-side of the family sources that cheating seems to be a way of life for the men in WH's family. Most of them thought WH would be the one to 'break the mold,' since he seemed 'so devoted' to me and the kids. We had the longest marriage of the four cheater brothers, and somehow this information was hidden from me until now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> It seems the consensus is that none of the four brothers is capable of deep feelings.

Now that he's been gone for a little over eight months, I find that my self-confidence is much better than it has been for the last (at least) two years. I realize now that I never felt like WH thought I was quite good enough (pretty enough, good enough financial support, sexy enough, hard-working enough, a good enough housekeeper/cook, etc., etc.). He was never quite happy or satisfied with anything - a trait he seems to have learned from his mother. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But...look what he left me for - the skankylosaur!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My MIL still calls from time to time to chastise my answering machine (since I won't answer her calls). She blames me for making WH miserable because I took him to court for child support, I won't talk to him and be 'cooperative,' and I 'put a wedge' in his relationship with MOW (gee, I feel really bad about that, LOL). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> She said it wasn't WH's fault that I didn't know how to treat and hold on to a man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WH called me late one night during his last weekend to have the kids. I hadn't spoken to him in months (Plan B, you know). I decided to answer his call, mostly to see if I had any residual loving feelings for him. He wanted to know why we couldn't 'just talk' every once in a while and be 'friends.' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> After telling him I didn't think there was anything for us to talk about, I finally said, "So...talk." He ranted on and on about how it was my fault he didn't have a good relationship with the kids (whom he never calls, BTW, and who try to get out of spending weekends with him whenever possible), he is hurting for money, and how all he has done is "try to be nice to me and make this easier on me." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He ranted some more, but I tuned him out after a while. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I ended our one-sided conversation by asking him if he had filed paperwork to divide our assets and debts, the final step in our divorce. I tried to entice him by reminding him we could be divorced by his birthday in late November, if he did his part. He replied, "I thought you didn't want a divorce!" I told him I was okay with it now - he had convinced me it was a good idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'll probably have to end up filing the final motion myself, just like the custody and support motions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Now, I just want WH gone, out of my life - and he can take his mother with him, LOL. MOW is welcome to him!! Do you think sending her a thank-you note would be in poor taste? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Truly, all I feel for WH now is deep pity - and sadness that my children are without a good, loving father.

I have found that there are people in my life who don't feel like it is a chore to spend time with me, and who I don't have to beg to pay attention to me. I am finally starting to believe I deserve better, and I know my children deserve a better role model as their father.

A friend told me about a song, that has become one of my favorites to sing at the top of my lungs in the car: 'Since You've Been Gone.' A few lines that especially apply: "Since you've been gone, I can breathe for the first time. I'm so moving on, yeah, yeah. Thanks to you, now I get what I want...since you've been gone." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thanks so much to all of you here who have helped me. I honestly don't think I could have made it through this without you. I guess my recovery is a personal recovery, instead of a marriage recovery - but I'm okay (better than okay) with that.

God bless you all.

Excellent plan, excellent post.

Now be prepared for your WH to attempt to woo you back.

May God give you the courage and strength to act in your and your chidren's best interest.

Pebbles

Your kids have an EXCEPTIONAL role model in their lives. You.

You H is an [censored], still blaming eveyone else for his own bad choices.

A 'thank you' to MOW ?

Nah. They'd just skew it like you were a bitter woman.


Living well is the best revenge.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> :UGH!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Guess what? he won't be happy with other woman, either, because as soon as the glamour wears off, and it will, he's going to realize she ain't good enuff either. No one ever will be with this guy, did you notice? Thank God you're moving on for you. I suspect blaming and complaining about you is 99% of their relationship.


And bytheway, no I wouldn't write her a ThankYou. She doesn't exist, you get me?

I would casually mention to a mutual friend some time when you're feeling really great--out having a good time-- that the D was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Believe me, it will come up.

In the case of my husband's first wife, who had a LTA behind his back over which they divorced, he and I and two of my close girlfriends went out dancing one night and he ran into X-Wife's Former OM. H shook his hand and thanked him, then. He played it off like he was with the Three of Us, and OM wanted to party with us, but we ditched him. the loser.

Still it sucks my H could do the same to me that he D'd his first W over. Sad but true.

One <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and two <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />...........

three <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

seven <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> and one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

yeeuppp....

thats the makins of a recovery post....and a darn good one............

one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> from ARK^^

you have traveled far and well pebbs...welcome to the new world.....

Nah..... Re: OW's can't read. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> They get the words all twisted up because their alien dictionary doesn't have emotional definitions so vital to our communication needs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Glad to hear you are doing better. Widens the gap between the WS and BS/family when the family moves forward and the WS is left in the fog.

Keep up the good work. BTW, your MIL is also in the fog. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Leave here there. It's her choice t/b there.

take care,
L.

I know what you mean about a TY note for OW. I have honestly been able to pray for the OW to have peace of heart-no one can be a OW without waking up one day full of self loathing. I also feel like since she exists, I have gotten back in touch with my spiritual center.

I hurt for my kids and for my WH, but my pain is making me stronger.

I don't know you, I'm new hear, but thanks for the inspirational message. I needed the hope boost.

Pebbles,

I also want to thank you for your post. It gives those of us who are trying to save the M hope for personal recovery if there is no M recovery.

I needed that this morning.

Thank you!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
3rd exposure yesterday. WH threatened to leave, still here.

"I have found that there are people in my life who don't feel like it is a chore to spend time with me, and who I don't have to beg to pay attention to me."

Pebbles - Oh the joys of Plan B. Glad you are feeling better about things. I noticed the same thing. Plan B let me get enough separation from my WH to start getting my own life. It is amazing how beat down the BS gets by all of this adultery stuff.

And my WH is like yours, still sending me letters complaining and blaming.

Good job, Pebbles! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How DARE YOU pick up the pieces of your shattered psyche and be happy !!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How DARE you take this pain and use it to gain wisdom and strength !!!

What's WRONG with you woman ????


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

How dare you be happier about the D than WH!!!

How dare you move on!!!!

And that MIL is a piece of work. Does WH realize how much of a hard time she is giving you? How she continues to 'fight' for your M, or defend the WH? Perhaps in your next convo with WH you can ask him to ask MIL to stop leaving vile messages on your answering machine. Or maybe you can change your answering machine message to "I'm either not home or I'm screening your call, if you are MIL, I'd appreciate you stop poisoning my answering machine tape by blaming me for my STBXH's A, I think if not a single son in that family has been able to be faithful to their S you should look at another reason for the infidelity, instead of blaming the XW for not 'making' the boys happy. Please no more messages MIL...beep."

Yeah, I know, that will only make the messages increase in number...she has to convince you that you are wrong in this situtation, then she won't have to look at herself...

Grrr, I don't know why, but that just erks me on so many levels. How dare she call you! Have you thought about putting out a restraining order for harrassment?

And it kills me when a WS complains about not having enough money...they abandon their family and family home to live life as a single person, and what <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> leave ALL their responsibilities behind? It's like charging up $20K on a credit card and then cutting up the card...you still have to pay... WS are not allowed a 'DO OVER', especially when there are kids involved...you can't take them back to the hospital (no matter how many times my dad threatened to).

Grrrrrr <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Pebs!!! So glad you are doing well in your personal recovery. I hope to be where you are some day soon. Your MIL is a real piece of work which is why she raised cheater boys. No personal accountability. My MIL is very similar. She has said such hateful things behind my back that even my alien WH won't speak to her much!

Keep in touch Pebs!

{{{{{{{{{Pebbles}}}}}}}}}
Thanks for the update. Since you hadn't posted I kinda figured you went out and found yourself a life! Good for you! Its good for your kids too!! You've done it all, you have given bam-bam every opportunity to get his act together.You can look at yourself in the mirror and look at your kids and know in your heart you did what was best for your family. Your son will be the one to break the family curse. You will continue to show them by your example. Bam-bam is a different story. He still chooses to play with the skankasaur. I have a funny feeling that one day he will wake up...maybe years from now...a lonely miserable man with no one to blame but himself. By that time, you will already be long gone and on to a new and exciting chapter of your life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I believe there is such a thing as karma. Much love and best wishes to you on the next leg of your journey!

Pebbles....

Your post brightened my day! Heck, I think the sun just came out.....your future is so bright, get out those shades, girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You are a great role model.

You have my admiration, and my heart felt wishes for a great future.

You and your kids deserve it.

Ms Pebbles,

I am very glad for you, and your mind set, and your upcoming new life! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

""She blames me for making WH miserable""

""He ranted on and on about how it was my fault""

Like mother like son. Spooky, huh? The nutcase/fruitcake does not fall far from the tree.

k

Pebbles,

I have to echo the others in that you are a great role model for your kids! It sounds like you're doing great - I'm so happy to hear that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cat

All I can say to that is eeeEEeeEewwWwWW!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> There is not enough 'woo' in the world to make that happen, at least not without a lobotomy and a whole lot of Lysol (for him, that is). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I was too embarrassed to say it before, but he did subtly suggest the occasional booty call, a "friends with benefits" kind of deal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Uh, I don't think I'll ever be THAT desperate, LOL.

Pebs is NOBODY's booty call. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Thanks so much, all of you, for your kind words. You have all been such great support for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

So, why don't you write a letter to the other woman, and basically give your hubby to her.

Yep. Do it in a nice way. Tell her you are done with him, and he is now hers to do what she wishes with. Make no other disparaging remarks. Just give him away.

That should just about finish off the relationship. Theirs, not yours.

If you are good and truly done, you might as well have some fun with it. Like I told you, I see no fault in doing anything to break up an affair as long as it is legal.

I am not surprised that a 'wedge' has been driven between them. Exposure will do that.

Do expect him to come running back at some time. Then you do what you want with him.

God bless,
Gimble