Have been reading for a while, everyone seems to know so much more about this stuff than I do. Hope someone can answer some of my questions - If I even know what the questions are.

H told me a few weeks ago that he wanted out of the marriage. Arguments etc. He loves me but not "in love" with me. What's that all about anyway?? After 10 years and two kids (2 and 5). He didn't want to leave the house, thought I still needed looking after, but we were single.

Having suspected him of affairs for some time, I took devious steps to find out, and it took me 2 days. I blew up, shouted, called him all sorts of things. Im sure the neighbours heard. He tried to deny as he had been for months every time I confronted him with new evidence, but in the end, he admited it. He told me that we have no control over who we fall in love with, he hadn't felt that way about me for some time etc.etc.

Before I go on, unfold the whole story. A year ago, got his mobile phone bill - hundred of texts to a number, plus 45 minute call to a home number. Up to 80 texts a day. I called the home number and spoke to a young girl who told me that she didn't know me, dad had left and wasn't coming back, but here's mum's mobile number. Yes, it was the other phone number on the bill. 5 minutes later, WH calls me and gets into me for checking up, for being suspicious, and makes me feel like a fool. Actually, at the time, I thought it was an error on the bill. I accepted his story, that the bloke was an old friend, and he hadn't been talking to the wife. Turns out that the phone is hers, and they are no longer together - took me alot of work to discover that, but WH denies that he knows anything about it - sticks to original story. Still in contact with her, but not so much.

Well, a few months later, he goes out to see a friend. Instantly suspicious for some reason, few odd comments in recent days. I checked his phone in the morning, and turns out he had been to see someone who he had to ask for an address - obviously not his good friend. I called the number. Female. I asked him, got a BS story. Over next few weeks, lots of snooping led me to realise that he had met this woman a few days before he went out that night, and also that he had been down her way a few more times - lots of lying about where he is. Still explains everything away, and very angry with me for being so suspicious when he is 'innocent'. Said I had no right to interrogate him every time he walked out the door. I definately do not do this, and am very open to the idea of personal space. Had to admit he knew her, but said she was a friend. Well, two more women after this one that he calls day and night - last thing every night, first thing every morning, up to 80 texts a day, picture messages etc. Still in contact with first two, but less so.

These new two women are from work - one from local office, married with kids. Other works away, staying away as he does for weeks at a time. Thats the one I caught him with. Still concerned that he is in touch with the others and has lied about each and every one. Then I found an old phone bill, over 2 years old, with similar types of calls, to a woman whos name he never mentioned. At that time, he had been behaving in a similar manner.

OK, back to now. After a few hours of shouting and crying, went to bed and woke up calmer. That night, he dressed up and went out with her - openly. I wrote a letter, in fear of losing it if I spoke face-to-face. I told him he could not live with me and see her as well, that I deserved some space to get over it and get on with my life. While it was true, I was determined that he wouldn't be having his cake. Well, finally, he agreed. Then I took up a few old hobbies, caught up with a few old friends, and found one or two to have a good ****** with. They just said "throw him out". Nobody knows until they have been there. Well, when I thought things were a little rocky between them, I wrote another letter - about all the things we had together, and how I would be willing to give this a go if he would etc. He broke it off with her. He said he wants his wife and family and all the things we had worked for.

that was almost 3 weeks ago. Since then, he has worked away and worked late every night he is in town (still not living with me). He visited once - drunk, shouted and left - That particular behaviour has become very common over the last few years. There is only small talk, but he is trying to get physical, says I Love You and takes the family out. I have said that I am ready to talk, but he avoids being alone with me. He agrees that talk would be good, but takes all the overtime he can get and wont come near me. He is still in touch with OW, but not heavily.

Thanks for reading all that, now for my question. Is it normal for a WH to be so distant after saying he wants me back. Does it sound like he wants best of both worlds, like he is afraid to tell me he doesn't want me, or just afraid to talk in case I make him feel bad. He tells everyone - even himself, that he moved out to save on travel to work time and that everyting is as it always was. Does it sound like we have any chance of recovery? I love him, desperately want him back, but absolutely can't do that unless we can talk, and can lay a few ground rules about relationships with other women. Also can't have hm back unless he is honest about past affairs. Should I find out for myself, or wait for him to tell me? What if he doesn't? What if he keeps denying everyting and I have no proof? If I never know, will never be able to move on. Then we have to work through all the old problems that he has been avoiding for as long as I have known him. He doesn't talk well, and angers quickly. I don't know what to do. He also refuses counselling but says he is giving up drinking.

Am I wasting my time with this guy???? Please help.

Have you read the basic principles of this site?

Have you read any affair recovery books?

I don't think there's anything such thing as "not being heavily in touch with OW." Contact is contact, period. And it's destructive to your marriage.

He refuses counseling, but says he is giving up drinking? The proof is in the pudding, has he "given up drinking" before?

Because you are dealing with the dangerous duo of affairs and drinking, personally I'd recommend James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" -

Willard Harley's "Surviving An Affair" also.

Have you read books on addiction, has he been in any alcohol recovery groups?

As for how can he love you, but not be "in love" with you? Well, that is the textbook position of the wayward spouse.

Do you have a chance of recovery? Yes, in time. But right now he is clearly torn between you and one or more other women. I am convinced that there is nothing you can tell him to sort out his feelings and make him come around. BUT... There ARE things you can DO that will help him sort his feelings out. Again, read here & the books.

Your other questions have to do with honesty, boundaries, and joint agreement. You will find much information in the basic principles on this site, as well as the books I mentioned.

What are you doing to take care of yourself and your children (emotionally/spiritually)? Support network?
Have you exposed the A's to his friends and family?

Not too lost,

Thanks for the advice. Have only begun reading, but have read some of the basic principals on this site. Getting a book on affair recovery, but only one chapter at a time.

No, he has never given up drinking before, he has never recognised it as a problem before as it has been getting worse gradually. I have only just recognised his behaviour as drunken abuse rather than a two sided argument. After the last episode, I sent a message to tell him that I had decided that I wasn't going to tolerate his drunked behaviour anymore as it was hurting me and the kids. I said that I would have no contact with him other than to drop the kids off until he had recognised it as a problem. He wrote back to thank me for making him see what a problem it is and that he was going to stop. He is very strong willed, and may be able to do it, but only time will tell. I have begun setting boundaries in this way in a few areas, and has worked well, but he is pushing others and really not sure how to deal with some stuff he is doing.


As for the OW, have asked him if he is in touch - just to see if he would be truthful, but he ducked and changed the subject. I wont push it.

For me, I am contacting old friends, making new ones and taking up hobbies. I also started working. I lost a bit of weight through all this, so have bought some new clothes and joined a gym. The kids are used to him being away alot, and don't seem to be suffering, but I make sure they get lots of attention and fun. My son has started talking about how many other kids in his class don't live with their dads.

I would be doing well if he woud stop with the I Love You stuff and trying to be here without really being here. He visited but hardly spoke to me at all, just kept busy in the garden and sent text messages to somebody. It made the whole day uncomfortable and the kids played up. I want to stop him visiting again like that until he is actually ready to commit to the marriage and talk about what has happened, but not sure how I can do that as it is his house too and he has his stuff here. Don't want to start with legal stuff because it might push him away. Not sure how to deal with that issue.

thanks for the advice on the books, I will look up boundaries on this site now.

I haven't told many people about A, he has told some that we have decided to split, but not why. Actually, I'm not sure what he is saying to them but nobody he has spoken to has contacted me since. Haven't told his family. have spoken to two of his female friends since all this, and mentioned that we were having problems. They asked straight away if he had A, so I said yes but didn't elaborate. I am afraid of looking like Im trying to get people on side or like I want him to look bad, so I don't tell anyone.

Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple, people have been saying that since we met. Nobody can believe that he has moved out, and not sure anybody would believe he had A. worried people will think I made it up or that I bore him or Im lousy in bed or don't give him enough sex or something. Convincing myself its not my fault is hard, how do I deal with other people thinking its my fault?

Thanks again, good luck with yours.

People are going to think what they want to think. You can not control that. I do not care what they think personally. I know in my heart and soul that I have been a very good wife. I know that I have been hurt like nothing else could hurt me in my life. I know I have felt my heart turn to ice. It saddens me to feel this way. I was always the one who sang, and danced around the house with a big smile on my face. Now I smile but am numb inside. Tell people you told him to go due to multiple partners. Make him responsible for what he does. No one would put up with this behavior. I wouldn't and will not.