I just found out a week and half ago my wife was seeing someone else. It has torn my world apart. The next day I come home from work and she is packing up and moving to her sisters.

We have been together 7 years. We have a 5 year old son together who is awsome. I've not been the best husband, I've negeltected her in the past. I'm sure that's why she was drawn to someone else. He gave her attention when I wasn't. Now she's addicted to that feeling and even though I've changed and have tried showing her each and every day it don't seem to help, still she talks to him. I just went by her job and he was there. It's killing me.

I've lost over 20 pounds, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think. I'm weak, dizzy, and cry all the time. I've poured my heart out to her, begging for her to come home, that I forgive her, I just want to show her I've changed. This is nothing we can't work through. She says she still loves me and I belive that. She feels guilty for what she's done and she apologizes for it. She still cries over me and tells me she loves me and she knows I love her. But I'm not sure the price my body and mind is taking.

I've changed and I'm doing everything I can to make her see that. I love her with all my heart and soul, her and my son are my life. It's falling to peices without them. I've read through this site over the past week and I guess I'm on to Plan A. I hope I can weather this storm cause it's taking a hard toll on me. I don't have insurance and can't afford counseling. I know I need help for myself cause this depression is killing me. I just want my wife back.

Hello,

If the OM is married it is absolutely essential that you expose this to the OM's wife as quickly as possible. It is also important for the both of you to be checked for STD's.

Dear Lost:

Thankfully you have found this site. I know that it is not much of a consolation but there are many on here who have gone through the same pain you have. Some of us recently, many long ago. My situation was similar to your in that my FWW chose to have an A about the same time in our marriage as yours. Problem was that I didn't find out until about 11 years after it had ended. The barriers that the dishonesty and betrayal caused in our marriage still caused a lot of hurt and pain from both sides even long after the A had ended. I dealt with the fog and all the other symptoms when it happened, I just didn't know what I was dealing with at the time. I think you are on the right track by trying to implement Plan A. I will be surprised if once her fantasy is gone and the fog clears that there is not at least still a chance for reconciliation down the road.

I would offer you the following advice:

1) Read plan B and if Plan A doesn't work, be willing and ready to go to Plan B it in it's entirety. Although I didn't have to do plan B, it took me being serious about not being able to live like we had anymore and being willing to leave to get my wife to finally accept a policy of radical honesty which is imperative to build a good relationship on. Don't try so hard to get her back, if she comes back out of obligation (this happened early on in our problems) it will just lead to resentment and barriers down the road. Once the fog is gone, she will see things differently.

2) You have done the right thing in letting her know that you are willing to forgive her. Do not tell her you will forget what happened, because you won't. You will feel pain for a long time but you can forgive and allow her to acknowledge her mistakes and move forward. Once the fog is lifted, she will most likely feel tremendous guilt. The guilt and the continued deception around me not knowing was the wall that stood between me and my wife getting back to a good relationship for more than 10 years. If she feels safe with you and knows that you have actually forgiven her and still want to move forward with your relationship, it will probably be better in the long term than you could ever imagine.

3) When you have feelings of resentment or pain, don't lash out at her. That is a major LB that just makes her withdrawal further. Keep coming on here and lash out here. It is tremendous therapy for me to be able to write out how I feel knowing that others here have experienced the same pain and horror in thier life and have overcome it.

4) I recognize the financial constraints of counseling. Borrow the money, go on a payment plan, do whatever you have to do. It is cheap compared to the loss of your relationship and/or child support. MC and IC are great and are a definate must at some point. At this point your WS may not be ready or willing for either. Take care of yourself in this regard.

5) I would suggest also seeing a good pyschiatrist and exploring the options of anti-depressants and some sleeping aids. I take both and it takes the edge off. It doesn't make the pain go away but it does allow you to function through the day and sleep at night. You cannot expect to be strong enough to try and work through this without sleep and losing weight like you are.

6) Think about praying, even if you aren't real religous. Ask God to replace your anger and pain with compassion. He is listening. During this crisis, even though I have been very faithful through my adult life, I had come to a standstill with my relationship with God. It wasn't bad, just not progressing. I really believe that my crossroads in life that led up to D-Day was really God giving me a choice to quit sitting on the fence and do something about improving my relationship not only with my W but also him. I really beleive that much of the strength and understanding that I have had during my struggles after D-Day were absolutely because I asked God to help me through.

6) Keep the door open with your wife even if she continues to withdraw. If nothing else this is important for your child regardless of the outcome. When the opportunity for reconciliation comes up tell your wife thats what you want more than anything else but it has to be in conjunction with some boundaries: radical honestly, joint agreement, no contact.

When the A happened I knew very shortly after it started but did not believe that it was possible. I tried to change my ways as I knew that I was not meeting her EN but she had already withdrawn from me. Early on I visited with my attorney and had the D papers drawn up. I chickened out and did not have them served. This was before the PA had really started in full swing (just a ONS) at that point. If I had followed through with the D papers, I really believe that my W would have ended the A immediately and tried to figure out how to make things right. Instead it went on for about nine months and I paid for the consequences of the dishonesty and betrayal for another ten years. One of the hardest things for me to overcome is that I had the opportunity to stop the A before it became a LTA and I missed all the signs and didn't follow through. That failure on my part kills me to think about. It may not have made any difference but since there was considerable distance between them and if she thought I suspected, her fear of getting caught may just have been the thing to stop it cold in the tracks.

Keep talking about it on hear and know that it gets better with each passing day.

BS (me) 41
FWW 39
ONS March 1994, turned into EA and PA ending November 1994
D-Day August 26, 2005
Reconciled and recovering
Better relationship with S than even when first married
Still heartbroken but looking toward the future and appreciating the present

The other man isn't married and I have told anyone who will listen about the affair. her family hates me always have but even they don't approve of the other man. Doesn't mean they like me. That's always been an issue in the marriage, her familys control over her. The OM found her in a moment of weakness and took advantage of that. So far it's only been an emotional affair, she has admitted they kissed about a week back and thats it. She's always been honest with me if I ask the right questions. So I belive her.

We have been through alot in 7 years and this is tough. But I am willing to do what it takes to make it work, I do pray, I pray God guides her back and away from those that persuade her. That he helps lift her fog and allow her to see the real me, the changed man. I've told her there is nothing but love, forgiveness and understanding in my heart and that my arms and door are always open for her.

I trully do forgive her, I have no hate towards her and I've told her that. We've had alot of people offer to help us, to sit down and discuss what's going on. We did talk with a pastor, he's a friend of ours and it helped alot, she said it felt good to get some tuff out in the open. So I'm hopeing she'll want to do more of that. She knows what she's doing is wrong, and that it's not just hurting me, but our son as well. I've not been perfect and we've both made mistakes in the past. But when she fails it's usually because I did first. She's always followed my lead.So I guess I do need to start forgiving myself as well.

Dear Lost,
I'm so sorry for your pain. It's hard when you read words like these, it reminds us all how it felt.

There's not a lot you can put into words but the feeling is not like something you've ever felt before.

Please tell us more. I know you wanted to make it short and sweet, and get some support, but talking about this with folks that have been exactly where you are will help you, I promise.

Is the OM married? How long has it been going on? You can definately work on Plan A, but we want to really concentrate on you right now.

The initial weeks can be ******, and the depression is immobilizing. Please come back, and chat with us. We're here for you.

Her affair was going on for 3 weeks when I found out last Thursday. Nothing physical, just talking. they had kissed once. I asked her just last night if they had done anything and she said no, just kissed that once. I have no illusions about anything so I'm prepared for the worst. But she does feel guilty about this whole thing and I told her to be careful. She's not stupid, just vulnerable, and that's my fault.

The OM is not married, he's divorced and his wife left him for some unknown reason. To make it worse he works next door to my house at an amubulance service. I haven't been staying at my home, I've been with my sister cause being here is too hard for me. I don't trust myself alone, not yet.

I cry alot. In front of her, in front of anyone really. I am hurting bad and am taking a huge physical toll on myself. I've lost over 20 pounds and can barely find the motivation to breath. Only the fact that she says she don't want a divorce and that she still loves me give me hope. I'm very weak, I find it hard to stand for long periods of time and get dizzy easy.

Just posting this is making me upset, cause it reminds me of the pain. I don't hate her for it, I hate myself for allowing this to happen. Knowing if I would have just payed more attnetion to her needs and this all could have been avoided.

She's scared, she's afraid things will go back to the way they were, she's afraid I'll revert. Plus the attraction to the OM is there as well. I don't blame her. I just got to make her see the real me. Nothing to fear, just love, understanding and forgiveness.

Lost:

If you discovered this while it remained just an EA you are incredibly lucky. I know this doesn't make you feel better. You have friends here and we have all felt the same pain. There are several things that you should feel very good about 1) You are able to forgive her 2) she doesn't want a D even though she is still in the fog and 3) the A, even if just EA has been exposed.

It will take time to heal. It is so easy for a BS to blame themselves and beat themselves up over what they could have done. I am an expert at that, believe me. What you need to remember is that few of us have the tools when we get married to be a perfect spouse. Noone ever gave us a list of EN's and told us how to make sure that we meet those for our loved ones. Even if they did, too often we would assume that those are things that other people need to listen to, not us.

You got a wake up call to your M. You have shown the willingness to change and become a better spouse. You have also shown the greatest strength that anyone can show...the ability to forgive and love your WW even though she has betrayed you. She will eventually see this strength in you and will be able to pull herself up by that strength.

One other thing that I think that most BS would agree with me on. Most of the time, all of the facts don't come out right at first. Be ready for more revelations and know that as is often said on here that the first cut is the deepest. You have to be the rock that this marriage is rebuilt on. It will be hard and you will feel weak often. If something else comes up, especially if you find out that it did turn into a PA. The additional revelations are the crushers but you have to stay committed to stay the course. Anytype of betrayal whether EA or PA causes the same pain. We all make mistakes and God always gives us the opportunity to redeem ourselves with him. Our duty is to try and be more God-like in our ability to forgive and move forward. It sounds like you have already taken that step.

Take care of yourself and keep the door open for your WW to come back into the relationship. Dr. H says this happens more than 70% of the time usually after about three weeks. All the symptoms that you described are associated with depression-nausea, sleeplessness, weight loss. If you weren't depressed, you wouldn't be human but realize that the depression is likely temporary.

As much as it pains you to write your feelings down on this site, it is still therapy for you. You have a lot of shoulders here to cry on and most of us have felt the exact same feelings as you. Trust everyone here when they say that time heals all wounds. As communication is rebuilt and you have a relationship based on honesty and agreement, you will find the relationship much more fulfilling than ever before.

One other thing, Lost. When you have the opportunity, reassure her you want to do whatever it takes to make this work and then tell her that it is really important that all the information is out. Most WW try to protect their BS by not sharing all the information. Eventually in most cases it will come out, either because of the guilt that builds up with the WS or because they finally accept a policy of radical honesty and just can't hold it back.

Assure her that regardless of what happened, even if it was a PA, you are still committed to staying the course. You can't feel any worse than you already do no matter what she tells you. But if she delays and you have already started to recover and then find out something else significant, you start the whole process over. I am speaking from very recent experience.

I talked to her again tonight. She has assured me that so far it's just a EA. I also found out she got a pre-paid phone to talk to him. She tried to hide it but I found out and she feels guilty. I know they talk all the time, that much is obvious.

She is concerned about my health and finacial situation, I guess that is a good sign. I reassured her of my love and forgiveness. I understand why she did what she did and I've told her that I want her to end all contact with him.

I asked her if she wanted this marriage to work and she said a part of her did. I asked what part of her didn't adn she said the scared, lost confused part. Hurt because of what I'd done in the past. Scared because I might do it again and confused because of the OM. I just let her know again that I forgive her, I understand and I love her. I asked her to see my faith and strength and use that. I also asked her to spend the night with me tommorow night and she she don't know, she don't feel ready, I didn't push it. I was just testing the waters.

I know she cares and I know that there is a part of her that wants this to work and that's what I have to work with. To make her see the real me and not the man I use to be. I pray every chance I get, and I have all the support I could ask for and many people are willing to help. All she has to do is give me that chance.

I'm hurting bad. I broke down a few times today and still haven't eaten. Not sure how long I can hold on. Getting harder everyday. I love her so much and miss her like crazy. I just hope this A ends soon and doesn't make it farther than it's gone, I hope she realizes her mistake and comes hope. I hope for alot of things.

Fog talk aka pysco babble. Have you read all the info on this site about surviving an affair. Hold your course, keep the spirit (I know it is difficult) and do not do anything stupid. Every day gets better. Just like the weather, the conditions for fog are not there forever. Keep pushing for NC letter. That has to be the first step for her. Be there for her during the withdrawal and spend as much time with her as you can. It will work out for you.

"Keep pushing for NC letter."

What is that?

Lost,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place. I also am a BS and I sympathize with your plight. However, I implore you to "man up" to the situation in your life/marriage. Like the poster above said, I, too, could have ended things a lot quicker if I had not lollygagged around feeling sorry for myself. You need a plan and you need it now. If she really wanted to work on your marriage would she have moved out? More likely she is deceiving you so she can try out a relationship with OM under the auspices that you two are separated and her fogged out mind thinks that makes it OK. You are relying on your "trust" of wayward wife way to much. Has she not demonstrated to you that she is not to be trusted? Double negative aside. What are you capable of doing on the legal front. She has removed herself and your child for your marital home. This is your child too. If she wanted to leave what right did she have to take son also? Are you getting visitation? Was she a stay at home mom? Did you take care of son 50% of the time? Have you consulted an attorney? What state are you in?

If you are serious about saving your marriage start a new thread over on the Infidelity - General Question II board. There is a lot more activity over there and most of the long time posters hang out there. No offense to anyone above as I do not claim to be the expert myself. We are not a replacement for a professional counselor but if you can not afford one these guys and gals here may be the closest you'll get to really good marriage counseling. Though I like the fact you've seen the pastor and you should keep seeing him. You might not get very far until No Contact but it still worth it to demonstrate the changes you've made as you Plan A your wife.

By the way, here is a Dr. Harley article regarding No Contact.

[color:"blue"] Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure. [/color]


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Hope this helps and I hope to see you over on general questions. You need a plan.

Mr. Wondering