KMEJ

He says his reasons for not wanting a dog is simply because he does not like them

My dog is faithful, unconditionally loving , obedient and gentle. Protective of our family. Everybody loves him. No wonder your H hates dogs. He can't meet their standard.

regarding you 'truly loving' your H. KMEJ I have never seen a thing called 'Love' that looks nearly like what you have.

You have a crippled, deformed dependency that seems a lot more like Stockholm syndrome than love to me. That is where prisoners bond with ther abusive captors.

Do you know anyone else who would call what you have with your H 'love' ?

ps. Don't get the dog. A dog deserves better than to live in your H's control.

I hear you all, and I am still considering everything. Yes I am a very busy person, however if we were to get the puppy, then I agreed to give up the second job that I have that H does not like- or at least take a leave of absence until spring. I may have to either way as they changed the in-times to 3:55, and I do not get off my ome job until 3 most days, and to get the kids from daycare and home to another babysitter and make it to my other job by then is almost impossible.

To answer a different question- I have raised many a schnauzer's, and they were all trained well, and simply put misbehavior like that is not tolerated, it is redirected after informed it was naughty- HOWEVER that said- I too see where you were going with that- and you raised a very good point.
I do need my EN meet. and I was thinking that a pup might help curb my loneliness- however it also may push my H farther away. Why do I make everything so complicated?!?!?!

Who r u really pushing away?

L.

not sure I follow you.

R U really pushing your H away? Do you really think a good H would allow that? Think about it K, the one you m/b pushing away is a WS or an abusive H. Do you really want a WS or abusive H in your life and in the life of your family?

L.

KMEJ, what are your boys learning about relationships from you and your H ?

here is my opionion on the dog...i would say get the dog in a heartbeat if it were NORMAL circumstances! however you do not live unders normal circumstances. I brought all four of my dogs home with me...two big ones and two little ones. H did not agree to any of them, but loved them nonetheless and still does love them.

BIG DIFFERENCE though KMEJ...my H is not and was not an abuser. He never kicked, hit or threw the dogs. I see more often than NOT absued animals.

My first thought when I read this was GET THE DOG! But then I remembered your H is an abuser...He WILL abuse that dog. Dogs are easy targets for abuse. Animals cannot defend themselves, so why would you bring an innocent puppy into an already horrible abusive situation only to make YOUR life worse and that puppies.

Also, puppies need CONSTANT attention. They are like babies at first. They cry all night, they need companion and if I remember correctly, you work all day...how are you going to care of a brand new puppy? they need to be trained...crate training is good, but you cant keep it in a crate all day long...

Dont bring another innocent victim into your life right now...You need to leave that H of yours. he's a controlling freak and reminds me so much of my own H...hopefully eventually you will get the courage to walk on your own. It's amazing how well life can be adjusted once you put the past behind you!

good luck!

KMEJ --
The word "support" comes up in our marriage a lot, too.

I support him in doing what he wants, so it's only fair he supports me in what I want.

POJA.

Option 1: Move out so you can get the dog
Option 2: Move out and don't get the dog
Option 3:Stay with him and don't get the dog
Option 4: Stay with him, get the dog, and give him the opportunity to disregard your feelings like you have disregarded him or beat you up because you're so inconsiderate.

If you make a judgment about whether or not to get the dog based on the relative value you place on your needs and wants vs. his, you are playing a chit game. Personally, I lost the chit game and won't ever play one again. That's why I told my H to move out when he decided my opinion wasn't relevant. If you are the one judging that his opinion isn't sufficiently strong to warrant your not getting the dog, then do yourself, your children, your husband, and the dog a favor by getting away from the man. His inconsiderate treatment of you does not in any way justify your inconsiderate treatment of him.

"Yes divorce over a dog, I do not get it." You don't get that? Well, IMHO, there are some marriages in which there are limits to inconsiderate behavior, and in others there are limits that are beyond tolerable. We have both gotten ourselves into marriages in which the limits were such that both affairs and physical abuse came into the picture.

You need POJA for a prayer of a chance at staying married and having children who grow up to not be abusive.

Cherished

well for those who may be wondering- I did not get the dog yesterday. Not for lack of trying however. Once H found out I was really serious about getting the little bundle of fur, he took and hid every set of keys in the house. We talked for hours yesterday morning- with me crying, and him holding his own as well. When he kept bringing up that he would leave or I would if I were to get the dog, I told him if that was all it took for him to walk out then we did not have a marriage to begin with. He argued with me that he wanted this marriage to work more then anything, and I took orchids advise and reversed babbled him for hours. It ended because I had to call the lady and stop her before she headed off to our meeting place. She could tell that I was upset and said she would hold the little puppy for me for a few days before selling him to the other interested family- so that gives me time. We have continued talking about it, however H has yet to change his mind. His reasons are time - saying that we do not have enough for the puppy, and now money because DS8 ended up in the ER on Saturday evening because he needed 9 stitches in his leg, and that is a $250 co-pay. H says that we can get a dog in the spring, but not this kind of dog, he wants to help pick it out. As nice as that does sound, I do not believe him.

Your H made you a prisoner in your home over the threat of you buying a puppy ?

Do you think in any way at all that this was a normal, sane , nonabusive interaction bewteen two spouses ?

no I do not think that is normal. He took them as he knew I would leave and get the puppy if I had anyway possible to do that. I tried to get a friend to take me but she was unavailable. I told him if I do not get a puppy then he is not going hunting- however he says he is still going. The reason for my stateing that is if there is no money for a dog then there is no money for him to go hunting- besides he has gone every year that we have been together, even the year I was on Bed rest with our first- so he has spent enough money on that, time for him to miss out. Maybe I am just acting childish.

The chit game.

Cherished

do you really think that it is a chit game? I suppose so we are because I do not want him to have something he wants if I can't. I suppose that is very childish of me. I guess I do have a lot of growing up to do . I am not sure why it is so very important to me that I get a dog. It just is. I told H that i feel very neglected in the emotional needs department, and am growing depressed (I went off my ad's about 2 months ago) he says he wants to have the chance to fill those needs for me and not be replaced by a dog- I told him I think he has had long enough and has never tried. Why can I not lt this go?

So this breeder KNOWS there is a domestic problem in your home and she is still willing to hold the puppy for you?? What kind of an irresponsible breeder is this?

Sorry, KMEJ, but you have no business bringing a puppy into the chaos. Even in a perfect world, raising a puppy is a HUGE responsibility. It already sounds to me like you are living paycheck to paycheck. Any idea how expensive pets can be? Food and basic vet care for my two cats is hundreds of dollars a year. Schnauzers need regular professional grooming, no idea how much that costs. And if the dog ever gets sick, well, there's more expense.

As for the "You can't go hunting if I can't have a dog," well, yes, that sounds childish but I can see where you are coming from. If money's tight, you both need to make sacrifices.

You first need to leave this jerk and set up a stable home for yourself and your kids before you even think about getting a pet.

I'm just flummoxed that the breeder is still even considering letting you have that dog knowing that your home situation is so unstable.

I told the breeder that my H has changed his mind and had left with the keys. She asked if she thought he would change his mind, and I said I was not sure. So she said she would give me a few days because she could hear how heartbroken I was. We are not paycheck to paycheck- the problem is H keeps borrowing out all our money to his "friends" when they are in need- one of his friends owes us well over a thousand and another friend owes us almost a thousand. He borrows it to them with out even consulting me- and then whenever I want anything we are conviently out of money- it is always that way- whether it be a dog, a concert, clothes, what ever H deems silly.
The reason I am saying no hunting is because I am always the one to give things up, I am the one that stays home- which I am okay with- however I am tired of hearing about the lack of money when he goes bowling once a week, gambles with his friends (granted he almost always whens- but still the risk is there) drives his gas drinking truck when that is why he NEEDED his motorcycle that he bought this spring, and his yearly 5 day hunting trips. I think my turn has come- I have given up enough.

KMEJ --
It's not childish for you to say no hunting. You are looking out for your own interests.

It's not childish for him to say no dog. He is looking out for his own interests.

What is needed is to come up with creative approaches to problem-solving that work for both. For example, a hunting dog?

My H is extremely resistent to the idea, but he knows he's out the door if we don't follow the POJA. He wants to watch football on TV. Last Sunday, we went together to a sports bar to watch the game. I enjoyed it, and so did he.

Cherished