About a month and a half ago i forgave my H.It was a great moment.Latley all i have been doing is getting upset and crying.Sometimes bringing up the A.It has been alot.The other nite he had said maybe i forgave to quickly.We were almost eight months in.I think right at that moment it was the right time.I felt so good.
Any Advice
#1mom

Forgiving isn't forgetting, don't confuse the two. You may forgive the drunk driver that killed your child, but I hardly think that you will forget it.

Ease up on yourself.

Have you been through the anger phase yet? Boy it was ugly in my house during that time.

Advice? Realize what a gift you are to each other. Cherish each other. Laugh and play together. Smile often.

CN,
Thanks for the advice.My H has been great thru all this.We have found a love we never knew could exist.I wish i could just wake up and leave everything in the past.
#1mom

Good post, CN, you said it perfectly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is a normal "hump" in recovery.

You're still OK.

Let the tears flow, and then get on with recovery.

It's a grieving process.

#1,

You can forgive with your head. Understanding the circumstances, listening to the remorse and seeing the WS's pain in what they did.

You also must forgive with your heart. Which sometimes never happens, like never forgetting. How can you totally forgive the drastic change in your life and the damage to your "self" you will live with for the rest of your life? I don't know if one ever can, down deep in their heart, truly forgive.

Even with God's help, there will forever be a little speck of unforgiving pain in my soul.

But hey, what does not kill you will make you stronger, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

In response to the title of your post: Does this mean i really have'nt forgiving, what it means is you haven't found closure yet.

Maybe your H and yourself need to find some kind of symbolic closure. For me it included a trip to the beach for me to yell out my fears, anxieties and anger. Then later, I discarded a piece of my life which no longer held the pure meaning of M. I threw away my custom made wedding dress. I kept a the bow on the back of it as a reminder of what it was but that is all. In fact, I kept the one part of the dress I didn't really like. Go figure. I did it with my H present. We both cried. It also helped me heal. Can't explain why but it did.

Have you read the 5 stages of grieving? This is what a BS goes through. Read it together with him and get his thoughts. Then you may see where you are in and what you may need to go through to move forward in your healing.

You won't forget. You will learn to forgive. This stuff takes time. Be patient. Work at the healing of each other....together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Into the fifth year of our recovery, and I still have moments of searing, stabbing, blinding pain. The good news is that it lasts only a few moments and it doesn't happen nearly as often as it did before. I forgave my husband almost immediately, for only in forgiveness can we begin to heal. But the forgetting....ahhhh.....that is an entirely different thing. For a long, long time I thought of "it" daily -- hating her; feeling betrayed, frightened, sad . . . But as the days turned into months and years, the bad times diminished. Hold tight to the here and now, try not to look back.

How r u doing?

L.

Orchid,

Today i am doing good.Actully great.Just to let you know i don't have on-line at home.So i am not on all the time.
Thanks for asking.I just started a new post i was wondering if its to so to renew our wedding vows.I am so much in love and my H has changed in so many ways.I know i still get upset but i think this will really help me.I want new rings too.After this happened we went on our first trip ever to niagara falls.We were married 12 yrs two kids and never had time to ourselves.I would like to go back there around the same time we did last yr and renew our vows.Just Us.

Could it be to soon if i still get upset?

Thanks
#1mom

Thank you to all of your posts.I don't have on line so i could'nt reply sooner.They all do make since.Like Orchid said she had to throw away something a piece of her life.To be honest i would like to get rid of my wedding rings.I want new ones. this way when i look down i wo'nt think of betrayel.Does this sound dumb?

#1mom

Renewing your vows? Hm..... well that would depend on how you both feel. How does your H feel about it? Is he as enthused (sp???) as you are?

I agree about wanting to replace the rings, then there's the financial question. Bottomline, what will this symbolic effort do for the real M for both of you? What part of the healing process will this do for both of you?

In our case, I got a new band. H still has to get his ring since our son flushed his down the toilet about 8 years ago (pre A). LOL!!!! We didn't find out until 2 years later. YIKES!!! Son told his dad about a time when he watched a 'shiney' thing swirl around the toilet.... LOL!!!

Anyway..... your question raises a lot of thought. I'd say make the symbolic something simple and renew your vows separately when u r both ready. Same anniversary day, different day?!??!?? It could get complicated if one thinks too hard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

Orchid.

My H wants to renew our vows to.He just wants me to be in a better place.He wants to make sure i am ready.
When we were 18 we got married in city hall i never even had a wedding dress.He says we would love for me to have one to were.As for rings if we save up we could get new ones or this is always credit.I want silver ones this time.In Dec we would be married 13 yrs.D-day was on x-mas and our anniversary is the 29th.I think that might be to close.Thats why i like the idea on going back to the falls.Those couple days meant so much for us.
Thanks
#1mom

Then it sounds like you have your answer. So when r u going shopping for a dress??!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Numberoneamom,

There is a common misunderstanding amongst people on the concept of forgiveness… People often think if you still have hurtful and grieving feelings after a traumatic experience like betrayal, that you have not really yet forgiven the person who have wronged you... But this is not true. Let me explain:

IMO, you forgive someone by releasing the person from your mind with respect to seeking vengeance and hatred, but the emotional wounds are still there and it WILL take time & patience for these wounds to heal and eventually recover. Emotional healing/recovery still need to follow after forgiveness has been granted and forgiveness DOESN'T mean that a person don't still need to go through a healing/grieving process after a traumatic experience where he/she was wounded by another person…

Part of the grieving process includes emotions of anger, pain, hurt etc. and these feelings are all normal. The fact that you have forgive your H for his betrayal, does not mean that you will automatically be healed after a certain period of time. And as someone has said earlier, eight months is a normal “hump” in recovery. So, relax - you're doing just fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Suz,
Thanks for the advice, I know in my heart i really have forgiven.I know for a while there will be bad days and sometimes they might out weigh the good.I just hope they will start being further apart.

Orchid,
I hope to start looking soon.We have bought things from a chinese store a while back and my H loved the dresses on me.Then we seen a long white one.I think this might be the one.

Thanks
#1mom