I am seriously wondering if there is a difference in the pain felt by BS and that experienced by truely remorseful WS. Can anyone out there who has the misfortune to have played both roles articulate the similarities and differences??

Who....I've been on both sides of the coin...and neither of them are desireable.

My first husband began cheating on me before we got married...he had multiple one night stands that continued through 4 years of marriage. I can remember feeling like the earth had crumbled beneath my feet when I found out what he had done. I blamed myself....I obviously wasn't doing something that he needed/wanted ....which was why he went elsewhere. I wasn't attractive enough, wasn't physical enough...simply wasn't enough. 4 years later I divorced him after he came home with bite marks on his chest from a 'guys' night out. I left the relationship damaged...and still need to be told that I am 'enough' for my husband. I tried not to think about it...brushed it under the carpet...definitely didn't deal with it...

My husband...current...unfortuantely...doesn't tell me that I'm enough for him...he's the silent type apparently. And about 9 months ago I began an EA that became a PA within 4 months. The guilt...the shame...the delight...in being wanted, and desired, and needed....all combined with the fact that I was betraying my husband. Even at the best with the OM, I still felt guilty abot what I was doing to my husband. But you don't think about it....when your being held, and romanced...you don't think about the devestation it'll cause when you tell someone else about your day because they are intested in it. You don't think about it at all....cause if you think about it, you'll have to recognize that your doing something wrong.

As a BS, I was devestated that my husband would cheat on me. As a WS, I'm still suprised that I cheated, because 'I' would 'never' do that. But I did ...and it made me aware that I'm not perfect, and that maybe my ex-husband wasn't quite the 'not so nice guy' that I thought. I can remember looking at him and thinking he was the scum of the earth...how COULD he do this...now I look in the mirrow and wonder how could I?

I'm not sure what magical answer you are looking for....everyone deals with their own way...and commits it in their own fashion. There is a difference in the pain....the cause is different....and the fix is different....

Lost,

In honesty, I think that my FWH could have written your second paragraph. I acted cold and indifferent towards him and didn't actually show any interest in him at all for years. Even tho he loved me alot, he "looked around" for years for someone who would want and desire him and finally found someone. Given the length of time he spent searching, I am pretty sure the OW I do know about was not the only one, but he will never admit to anything that I can not prove. Even tho he didn't love her, I sometimes wonder if she had been less needy and manipulative and more genuinely nice as opposed to the shrew she turned out to be, would he have fallen in love with her and would he be with her today.

But I do agree with you and can see why it is difficult to think clearly when you are being romanced and held. Even tho I can see why he strayed and how I played a role in his betrayal, it still hurts each and every day.

Well I have never been the WS...could of been easily though.

Anyhow, knowing how I feel being the BS, I sure as ****** would not trade that for being the WS. As much as it hurts knowing what my FWW did to me, I would never want to be in her shoes.

I always liked the fact that my FWW and I were 50/50 in our M as to the crap we put each other through. Before the A, if she ever brought up something I did, I could easily bring up something she did. Now our M is skewed. It's like 75/25.

I could walk away from this M today and no one would blame me. Story be told, she will always come out to be the bad guy. My FWW told me the other day that she is so afraid I will leave her because she knows how bad what she did to me was.

I hold the power to forgive...that kinda sucks.