Do most wifes show affection towards their husbands? My wife is from a disfunctional family that never showed affection. So she seems unable to show affection or say anything affectionate.

The closest she has come to saying I love you is after I say it, she will say "me too". The nicest thing she could ever say to me was "I'm the nicest guy she ever met". That was before we were married 20 years ago.

There was some affection before the marriage, but after the marriage it quickly died.

Is this something a wife can learn to do this late in life?

Can a wife learn affection? single choice
	No
	Yes
	Yes, but only with the OM
Votes accepted starting: 09/30/05 04:05 PM
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Have you told her this?

We can't talk about any serious issues without her getting upset and yelling. I've asked her about a few things and she always has an answer. Like she doesn't like to kiss because she is afraid of germs. She doesn't like to hug because she feels like I am patronizing her. She doesn't like to eat at the table with the family because that is her free time. She does get in the mood for sex becuase she doesn't lust after men.

You get the picture...

I gave her the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, but she hasn't filled it out. I don't think she will.

Oh, and I asked her once if she loved me. She got angry and started yelling at me and told me she felt sorry for me if I couldn't tell.

Maybe that did tell me whether she loved me or not.

And I recently asked why we never spent time together. She got angry again and called me selfish. She said she was too wore out with the kids to be my friend. She said I was living in a fantasy world and I should just be happy that she cooks for me and raises my kids.

Your W sounds exactly like me in my last marriage. He ended up leaving me for another woman in 1999 because he just got fed up with it. Your wife even uses the exact same words I used: "quit patronizing me," "you are selfish." If I knew how endangered my marriage was I might have done something about it. But he was too wimpy to ever tell me that our marriage was in jeopardy. Because he tolerated my shabby behavior, I lost all respect for him. Women don't respect men they can run over, nor do they love them.

Does she make all the decisions in the family? You said you asked why you never spend time together, what does she do? Do you plan any activities and take charge?

p.s. in answer to your question, "can wife learn to be affectionate," the answer is no, because she already knows. It's not that she can't but that she [/i]won't.[/i] She doesn't have to be affectionate. A monkey can be affectionate, so it's not a matter of can't; she won't.

I've actually been more assertive in the last year thanks to counseling and realizing how much she was hurting the kids. When I stand up to her she accuses me of verbally abusing her. It's not that I put her down when I do this, but she takes any dissagreement as an attack on her.

I make plans and make suggestions, but she usually wants nothing to do with them. I ask her out about once a month, but she always has other plans or ignores my invitations. When I asked her to a movie, she said if I want to go to a movie I can go by myself.

I've told her about my concerns for the marriage, invited her to counseling, but she says we don't have any problems. She is happy with things the way they are. She says I'm the only one with a problem.

She does make most of the decisions in the family. Mostly because she is the one that is never satisfied and constantly wants changes. And she always dismisses my ideas.

Heartone, you allow her to make the decisions and you allow her to dismiss your opinions, don't you? Do you feel like you put up with alot in order to avoid conflict?

What are you willing to do if she refuses to change? Because the truth is that you don't have the power to change her. And as long as she knows you will put up with it, she has no motivation to change. She probably believes she is your princess and you are so hopelessly, madly in love with her that you put up with about anything. She doesnt understand that she is killing your love for her and destroying her marriage. So what are you going to do if she refuses to change?

Ouch! I really didn't want to think about what would happen if she doesn't change. I know I can't change her, but I think I would eventually give up. I see the big D in our future. It has come up. She said she can't leave me because of her religion but would prefer if I left. Maybe we would both be happier if I left, but I think the kids would not recover. They are 7,8 and 8.

Once I knew she had left emotionally, I haven't been putting up with things from her as much.

If you knew your marriage was in trouble, would you (could you) have given up some control and been more affectionate. What can I do to obtain those?

Are you able to give up some control and affection now?

She has told me she expects to be treated as God's gift to me. I'm starting to hope he kept the receipt!

Heartone, what you can do is take back some control and stop relegating all the decision making to her. You don't need her permission to act like a man in your own home.

Secondly, you can tell her that your M is headed is for divorce unless she starts acting like a Godly wife and show you respect and love. She needs to know that something has to change or the marriage will end. She doesn't believe you are unhappy enough to leave, but you are. She needs to understand this! When you have this conversation, hand her this book: Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr Laura and ask her to read it.

She is losing her marriage and needs to be real clear on that point.

ROFL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the excellent advice!

I've slowly been taking back control of myself and the marriage. She fights me all the way.

I used to get real upset when she would get angry and try to control me. Now I think it's kind of funny watching the things she does. I'm actually starting to feel very sorry for her.

Heartone, many men don't understand this, but we don't really LIKE it when we are allowed to run over our husbands. We lose respect for them! So, its good that you aren't letting yourself get upset when she gets angry.

I think that short term, it will be important to reestablish your control in the relationship and make sure she understands, in a loving way, that she is destroying your marriage.

For the long term, though, she is going to have to get into counseling to learn to come out of her shell. But, I promise you, she will be more willing to reach out to you with love and affection if she respects you. That means no more conflict avoiding and no more relegation of decision making to her. If you are needy, clingy or using emotional blackmail tactics, she will run for her life.

But, first things first. I think telling her the truth, is the first step in a long process. She needs to understand that sitting on her throne being the princess and handing out orders is not enough to sustain a marriage.

Wait a minute, did your W have an affair?

I'm definitely not needy and clingy. I'm actually much happier and more myself when she is not even around, so I tend to do my own thing and get involved in lots of activities.

But I do need a loving, caring, emotionally connected spouse. Both to receive my love and to give me some affirmation.

What would count as emotional blackmail?

HOE

My Squid hasn't learned to show me spontaneous affection in 19 year of marriage !

If you find sump'n to slip in your wife's tea that works, let me know here to get some !<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't know for sure if my wife has had an affair. She has told me that she hasn't and doesn't lust after other men.

She has had emotional affairs. She had a boyfriend for a few years after we first married. She followed him in several job changes, did lots of things with him, and invited him to our house. She was much closer to him emotionally than to me.

Just before we were married, I called her up and heard her partying with a former boyfriend. She denied there was anyone with her but later told me he had come back.

She left me emotionally several years ago, and I'm not sure where she currently gets her emotional needs met. I've tried to meet them, but she keeps pushing me away.

Several people on this forum have suggested she is having at least an emotional affair somewhere.

HO, can you do some sleuthing and see if she is having an affair? That needs to be ruled out.