Spying on her just doesn't feel right.

I have answered the phone a few times and had them hang up. I got the name off the caller ID and told my wife who had called. She said it was probably someone she had called earlier and didn't seem worried.

She spends a lot of time on the phone. I came home very early this year on our anniversary with flowers. She was on the phone, walked away from me to a corner, wouldn't face me, stopped talking on the phone but kept listening, and never acknowledged that I was there.

I would love to know who she talks to all day, but don't feel phone tapping is OK. She got her own credit card lately, so I'm not sure where she is spending her time and money.

I know this sounds weird, but it feels like she is having an emotional affair with her girlfriends.

My wife had almost no friends growing up. She had no friends at our wedding, she never went out with any girlfriends for the first 15 years of our marriage, no one came to visit us in the hospital when our kids were born.

Now with the kids and church and going back to school she has become very outgoing. In the last few years she has made lots of girlfriends and is always doing something social.

Maybe with all of these new friends, she has connected with them so much emotionally that she doesn't need any connection from me.

Well, I am not talking about your feelings. But you have an obligation to spy if you have a suspicion that she is hiding something from you that is critical to your marriage. Remember, this is YOUR LIFE, she does not have the right to hide things from you. If there is a problem in your marriage, you have a right to know about it. There is no virtue in putting your head in the sand when you suspect there is a problem, you have a responsibility to find out what is going on so you can, hopefully, resolve it. You can't resolve it if you don't know what is going on.

HeartOn, do you think your W might have a tendency towards bisexuality (physical attraction towards both sexes). If this is the case, then yes, your W might find herself involved in an EA with a girlfriend. Remember, one of the components of an EA is sexual chemistry/sexual attraction.

However, regardless if your W is bisexual or not, if she’s investing more emotional energy into her same sex friendships than into you, then these friendships are inappropriate and unhealthy for the marriage. You and the M are suppose to be first priority in her life and if she puts something else above that, it’s not right.

I don't think she is bisexual. But I'm not totally sure.

You just sparked another memory. My wife once asked me if I was gay!! She would turn me down most of the time I tried to initiate sex, and then asked if I was gay because I didn't try enough. I've never turned her down when I thought there was any chance for sex. But that was a big ego deflater.

Another was when we were trying to get pregnant. She went through all of these surgeries, acupuncture, shots, lots of money, but would still only do "work" ones once a month. One time she told me to just get "it" ready and when it was time to just shove it in. How romantic!?

Maybe this is a hormonal problem?

Hmmmm…this sounds weird, and very disrespectful towards you. Do you think your W made a joke when she said this or did she sound serious? If it was a joke, then probably it doesn’t mean something. But if it was not, I think you have reason to feel concerned… It’s common for people who have certain tendencies they want to hide, to project it on the people around them and accuse them of that same tendencies.

Your W’s lack in sexual interest at the time might have been a hormonal problem because I know some infertility treatment can temporarily mess with a women’s sex drive. But the problem might go much deeper than this… First ask yourself some questions like the following:

Was this a one time incident (during the time you tried to conceive) or did your W always or most of the time show such an insensitive and unromantic attitude towards you on sexual level? Did your W show a lack of interest towards you on sexual level your whole married life, or was/is it just a temporary problem?

Questions like these might help you to discover what the real problem is/was.

The gay comment was definitely not a joke. She was mad at the time.

My wife has never had much of a sex drive. It's usually been at best only a few times a year. Even after we were just married, we did it the first night and then nothing for about 2 weeks. Not exactly a honeymoon.

About once a year she used to show a genuine interest. But now she just rolls over goes through the usual drill and rolls back to sleep. Usually always facing away from me.

She told me that I'm the guy, and that sex is my responsibility, and that I'm not that good at it. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! But it's hard to get her interested when she doesn't want to spend any time together before we go to sleep.

It actually hurts me more that we can't cuddle and hold each other and kiss and talk and laugh together. It's been years since we did that too.

Her being gay would explain why she said she doesn't lust after other men!

HeartonE, I understand what you are saying but if this is true, I think your W is bisexual and have a tendency towards feeling attracted to both sexes. It is however possible that she feels more attracted to women than men on this stage though… But still, the fact that your W married you and had an EA with another man on one stage, is an indication that she might get involved in an EA with a man again. Don’t assume too quickly that she is bisexual, but I think it might be a possibility you can explore and keep in mind.

Thanks! I'll keep the bisexual idea in mind. But I think physically she either has no sexual interests at all or she has an outside male interest.