Hello all, as some of you may or may not know I confronted my W about the Internet A she was having a week ago Thursday. She has made huge strides in overcoming this including terminating the A completely.

However, there's something wrong that is the bigger picture. She can't get turned on physically. She claims to have no S drive at all. She's asked a DR. about it in the past and the DR. told her it's completely psychological. I don't know if I believe that. She admitted she did get pleasure from the internet A and that the fantasy and thrill of it did turn her on. However, from physical intercourse she feels nothing a majority of the time. NOt, pain, not pleasure, just nothing. I don't know what to do. On our emotional questionaire S was the most opposite thing we had, and by opposite I mean as far as the east is from the west.

We are most likely going to see if the MC can reccomend a good ST. My W has never even before the internet A had a desire for S. Even from the day we were married, S was never a high priority for her because she has little desire for it.

She has no desire or very little, and I am not sure if this is a physical problem or what. Without BC she can't get her time of the month at all. She went a year and half once without that, and she has been diagnosed with endrometriosis and PCOS. But, no one has said these would cause a change in drive. She admits about 90% of the time she feels nothing from S. I am doing everything I can and she is doing everything she can to make this work. I don't want to demean her and don't want her to feel demeaned by doing something that doesn't give her pleasure. Is there anyone out there that might have medical knowledge or suggestions of what might be causing a complete almost 100% lack of S drive? I don't believe this is healthy for her or for our M, and would like help in deciding how to deal with it.

Please Help!!

Thank you,

whitewolf32,

Could it be that your W's sexual desire from her EA MAY have been due to the fact that the OM was not physically present and thus she could control the situation? I ask you this because with the two of you sharing the same room, and you wanting to be physically intimate with her, her pre-marital issues flare up causing her anxiety and the beleif that she has no control whatsoever. That anxiety becomes the killer of her romantic/sexual mood with you. What can you do aside from ST? Well here are some suggestions which may or may not apply to you but still worth keeping in mind [I do]:

1. NEVER, EVER show her affection, attention and admiration ONLY as a prelude to sex. This can create resentment just like it would if a so called friend only came to visit you when he needed something from you. Make a list of all the wonderful qualities your W posseses and express to her you grattitude for having them. Kiss and hug her as much as she lets you but don't go beyond it.

2. Be there to actively listen to her without trying to resolve her problems. The act of listening is a great way to show her that you really care for her.

3. If you feel the overwhelming need for sexual release then consider asking her if she can help you by just being with you while you do your thing. She may feel strange at first just being a 'spectator' but eventually she may get to enjoy it and choose to become an active participant with you. The point is that she is in control and free to act in any way shape or form.

4. Pamper her by preparing a hot bath to relax after a hard day's at work, give her massages afterwards, make dinner. The point is that many women are physically exhausted and a loving, attentive and considerate H who helps his W by unburdening some of her load, can greatly enhance the chances of her being in the mood for sex later.

5. Always be aware of your own hygiene. Take a shower every day, shave your face, put on deodorant. Women are more conscious about cleanliness than us men and a stinky man, no matter how good looking, will turn many a woman off.

Granted that your W's pre-marital issues may not be influenced the above suggestions but issues or not, women's sexual desire is greatly influenced by many factors and if a man is aware of many of these and addresses them, he has a good shot at SF with the woman he loves, his W.


TMCM

Thank you sir, many of the suggestions you stated are in the His Needs/ Her needs book that we are going through together. One thing that helps some is that we go to bed earlier and at the same time. This allows us time to just talk, pray, and get things off of ourselves, with no pressure for physical intimacy. I have been doing many things for her, over these trying times, some to keep my mind off of things, and some to please her. This is helping, yet, she and I wonder too whether there's an issue with Dysfunction. Not saying that's the problem, but so far I have seen nothing on female Sexual Dysfunction. Our society focuses on mail dysfunction and potential cures and alternatives for that, but very little information is available on female dysfunctional issues. I find it hard to believe that no female out there has any dysfunctional issues. LIke I said, I'm not saying this is my W's problem, but she has brought it up and it scares her, what if it is, what if she just can't get physically pleased due to dysfunctional issues..

We are working on all the other aspects together, through reading and discussing the various books out there. We are both looking forward to counseling this coming week too...

Maybe something will come up that we haven't come across yet.

TMCM-

Will you marry me? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Umm, sure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
How old are you?

I'm 28. And as my counselor said, people my age shouldn't be dealing with this stuff. . . . . I tend to agree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would think the possiblity of a sex therapist should be considered. I agree that at your age you should not be dealing with this stuff.

whitewolf,

Does your w have any history of childhood abuse or rape?

-AD

I only laugh at your comment because I find it ironic, not the comment itself. She says no that she knows of, but I have been, not rape, but sexual abuse as a child. I went through a lot of counseling to get through that and anti-depressants. Me much better now, granted, maybe a higher than normal (granted what's normal for a male?) s-drive.

To her knowledge she has never been.