Hi. Been 7 weeks since D-Day. I told her to move out that day and she went to her son's. After the fog lifted some we talked of counselling and started a week ago,seperately for now. I've been told by her she's not in contact with OM. Unsure what I believe right now. She had a 3 day weekend last weekend and we spent alot of it together. We were making some progress in my mind. I could see it in her too. Monday nite I had invited her over to watch a rented movie. She made me some supper and brought it over with her. But as soon as she came in the door I could smell alcohol on her. She told me she had been over to her sisters drinking that afternoon. I wrote this off as her first 3 day weekend in a while and she needed someone to talk to. I wasn't happy she came over half or more drunk but ate my supper and watched the movie. I understand about LB's now and kept my feelings to myself. We them made plans to go out for supper last night(Friday). I was looking forward to this supper for 5 days. I was even in a better mood at work Friday than lately because of this. I got off work and had a couselling session at 3:00. Which also made me feel better and thought I'd start a conversation after supper with her about our marriage etc. I mean I rteally felt good about this night. As we could make some more progress. I flew home from counselling and took a shower. I went over to where she's staying and as soon as I saw her I thought something was up. She was dressed but her hair was dripping wet. She had just got out of the shower. This was 5:00 and she gets off work at 2:00. On the way to supper she told me she was at her sisters again drinking 3-4 beers but she didn't need to tell me I could tell. My heart sank. I tried to stay upbeat and made small talk but she kept repeating herself and slurring words. Same through supper. I decided to just take her back home. This was not the atmosphere for having the kind of talk that I wanted to have. I was quiet on the ride home and boiling inside. Dropped her off said good-night and came home. Now I'll give you a little background. Before d-day she had stsrted drinking more than usual and I always heard the story she was at her sisters and I believed it. But after finding out of the A I suspect some of those times were with OM. Do I think she may have been with OM yesterday or last Monday? Certainly crossed my mind. At the very least if I believe her I feel she wasn't looking forward to last night like I was . I mean I was crushed. Back to the story. I didn't feel like telling her how I felt at supper after all I kicked her a** out after I found out about the affair and at this point she can do what she wants. About 45 mins after I got home she called and asked me if I was mad/upset about something and I was honest with her. Told her how I was looking forward to our supper together and How I really wanted to have a heart to heart talk. I even asked her if she needed to drink in order to see me. Well she blew up and got short with me. She even tried to lay the blame on me that I put her in the position to do what she wants when she wants by kicking her out. Well it's obvious she was doing that before I kicked her out. She then hung up on me. She also stated "why not say something when we were together at supper". I didn't have a good answer for that but told her I was now being honest and she should know how i feel as she could tell or she wouldn';t have called asking me what was wrong. I'm putting this on this board because I don't really have anyone to talk to and my next counselling session isn't til next Friday. I wish it was today. I'm in the same boat as others on here. I've lost 25 lbs. can't sleep. Don't want to eat. Dread the weekends because I have no plans and it just ends up being me and my thoughts. tired of crying. I will say I was really mad last night. The dog even went and hid. Don't know who I was talking to but the walls heard a earful. You comments would be helpful. I don't know but we may have fallen back to square 1. With our seperationI certainly feel a void between us and only feel it getting bigger. Especially today. I felt I needed to be honest. Maybe I should have said something earlier but at least I said it. Another lonely weekend ahead of me...............

Although I am the WS and not the BS, I felt much the same way when my H decided he had had enough and moved out. I lost weight (so much so that one of my student's mom brought me food and told me I needed to eat). I dreaded the weekends because I had nothing to do. But I had some really good friends and leaned on them, and I suddenly found that weekends weren't so bad and I started eating more.

I never stopped fighting for my M, and it might be finally paying off. So keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like your W is still in the fog. I was there once too.

Jasper,

Sorry you were disappointed but I am sure you are not surprised. Her anger betrays her and shows you something is up. A or not, it isn't pretty.

You were right in how you handled it. No matter when you shared your insight, she was gonna get mad.

Ok, now you need to shore up your support a bit. Here are some suggestions. If you have already done some of them, then keep moving forward. Remember they are just suggestions.

1. Read His needs/Her needs, Surivivng an Affair and Love must be Tough. The 1st 2 are by Dr Harley and the 3rd by Dr James Dobson. His Needs/Her Needs will help you learn basic communication skills with any female. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Surviving an Affair will help you see what to expect and Love must be tough helps you through plan B if needed.

2. Shore up your finances. Her alcoholic tendancies show she is not stable. Whatever the reason, she is not stable. Therefore, your finances c/b in jeporady. All addictive traits are selfish in nature and often attack the family and finances.

3. Do you have children? If yes, reassure them of your love. Be each other's personal support and if they are old enough, get them into counseling. Keep bonded as a family. This will keep you strong.

4. Expect her to make your life miserable. Decide how long you will allow it. (plan A, then plan B). Learn about both plans and know that staying too long in plan A is not healthy for either one of you.

5. Setup your personal support group. Include in-laws if they are cooperative. You can ask for support but let them know they have been hand selected because you respect them and therefore expect them to respect your decisions. Let them know you can't let them know everything but enough so they can provide valuable support. Being loyal to the M and family vs the WS is not being disloyal to your W. The WS and spouse are 2 distinct characters inhabiting the same body. Scary ya know?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

6. Determine who, how and when to expose. Do background checks on the OP(s) as needed. Install things like key logger or other devices to secure proof. PI work, camera or voice activated recorders along with getting copies of cell phone records c/b helpful.

5. Identify your boundaries and implement them. This one will take time, there fore #6 is very important.

6. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

7. See if you can setup phone counseling time with Jennifer @ MB.

Remember the plans A & B are for your benefit. Plan A your W and plan B the WS.

These are JMHO. Use only what you understand and what is beneficial to your sitch.

take care,
L.

Well not much of an update for you. I saw some of my family yesterday and that made me feel better. Slept about 4 hrs the last 2 nights. Noit good I know but I can't help it. I'm just an emotional mess. I'm just not ready to never talk to her again. Is that wrong? Whats right? Being the betrayed spouse is SO hard. I have nothing to fall back on. Wher as she maybe has her lover to fall back on. I don't want to push her to him but i probably did. The above comments to my original thread were appreciated. How are other BS dealing with issues?

What do you think of Orchid's recommendations?