Hi everybody. This is my first post and will probably be long.

D-day for me was the day after my birthday, 10/30/04. H had a brief affair (if that's what you want to call it) with a co-worker in 1998 (yeah, he kept it a secret for 6 years).

But, before that, OW had a baby by her live-in boyfriend sometime in 1998 (I think I was pregnant with our last child). The baby died shortly after birth. From what I understood, she always had problems conceiving. I remember H (even though he "hated" her) and all the co-workers going to the funeral and him telling me about the girl at work that lost her baby and how she would sit at her desk and talk to the baby's picture. He began to feel sorry for her and I think that was where his "hate" for her changed. He tells me she would go around to all the men in the office, including my H, and ask them for sperm because she was so desperate to get pregnant. Claiming she wanted no strings, she just wanted a baby. Well, my H also had an intermittent drug problem during that time too and that, coupled with this girl "seducing" him daily, probably made him a prime target for this affair. He tells me that she would literally beg him to impregnate her, that she didn't have any intentions of breaking up his family and she wanted nothing from him except his sperm. Yeah, right! How dumb can he be!!!! This is the OLDEST line on the books and not a very good line. I guess she stroked his ego so hard he fell for it. She's dumb, immature and an easy fu*k; and he's just a dumb fu*k. Well he finally took her up on her offer, but according to him, never intended to get her pregnant. I find it hard to digest that she was up front with what she wanted yet he didn't intend to get her pregnant?, but she got pregnant. It just doesn't compute! He claims he used protection. I say, O.K....she propositions you for sperm for a baby, you fu*k her repeatedly WITH protection, she gets pregnant???? Sounds like a plan gone RIGHT to me. But he swears he NEVER wanted or thought of having a relationship with this girl. He said she made him feel wanted at a time that I was making him feel like he wasn't wanted because of his drug use and the money problems that resulted from it. She was somewhere to go get laid without any strings, questions etc. He said whenever he left her he would gag and feel like throwing up afterwards. I say, yeah and you go back again & again because fu*king and gagging feel sooo good. He says he stopped going to her house because it was too hard living with himself because he loved me and he knew what he was doing was wrong. Whatever!

Now mind you, before the affair, we'd been to company functions in this girl's company and to co-worker's houses where she'd show up, uninvited. She even made a point to try to hold conversations with me. I think, at a time when she had her sites set on H and probably in the process of seducing him. I never felt comfortable around her. I guess a woman has a sixth sense about these things, because I did sense that she was just too happy and giddy when he was around. She even made comments at the table at a company Bull Roast once. I couldn't make heads or tails what she was trying to say, but I do remember confronting H in the parking lot when we left about what the ****** it was all about. Of course he denied knowing what she was talking about. Red flag #1 and I let it go because I didn't have anything. Besides, she's about 350 lbs., loud, immature, young and had absolutely no class about herself so I wasn't too concerned. I now know you don't write off anybody because of those things. An easy fu*k is an easy fu*k.

Skipping forward to Dday (10/30/04). H took me out for an excellent birthday dinner 10/29 and we had a wonderful time. The kids were gone for the weekend. I had been noticing that he had been down lately. We got up the next morning and went to breakfast. I drove back home after stopping at the video store. My plan was to go back home and make love again and watch a movie and just laze around. He was looking so down and I asked him what is wrong. He starts talking about his life and I'm getting nervous. Immediately, I think "it's another woman". By the time we’re half way home I’m still not really following what he’s trying to say. Then he says, we’ve got to talk. My first words are “who is she”. He doesn’t say anything as I’m pulling up in front of the house. My guard is up and I’m scared. We go into the house and I take my seat and brace myself for what’s he’s about to say.

He tells me, “I fu*ked up”. I’m waiting. He tells me the story of how OW calls him in Nov. 1999, when her baby is 2 mos. old telling him he’s the father and he needs to be a part of her life. He tells her she’s got a live in boyfriend. Why should he think he’s the father when he used protection and he wants a DNA test? OW goes off, cussing him out saying why does he need a DNA test. He tells her not to call his house anymore and she wants to know how she should contact him concerning their problem. He gives her his email address and after arguing some more she ultimately hangs up on him. He says she emails him a couple of times about him taking responsibility and he refused. He didn’t hear anything else from her until July 2004 (she’s probably getting other men tested in this time period) while I was out of town with my daughter. She called wanting him to sign papers saying he’s the father because she’s filing for child support since he won’t be in the child’s life. She wants his mailing address so she can send him the papers. He gives her his mother’s address. The papers are served to a shocked MIL so he had to tell her everything. H does everything (DNA, court etc.) without my knowledge. MIL goes to court with him to hear the results and of course it’s positive and they move immediately to child support. $470 a month. Without considering our 2 children. He tells me, because the first payment was to be deducted in Nov. 2004.

There’s been no further contact from her and I’m glad. She got what she wanted; a baby and a check. If the money keeps her out of my life, fine. I do feel the child should at least be supported financially, but I have NO INTENTIONS of integrating an outside child and her crazy, unscrupulous mother into MY family. I think I’d just be inviting trouble and I am already struggling to stay in this marriage.

H is trying to do everything he can, but of course NOTHING can make any of this right. My 1yr. mark is 1 mo. away and I’m as emotionally raw as day 1. I think part of the problem is I feel so vulnerable to this woman financially. In 3 yrs. (2 now) she can, & probably will, go in for modification and H makes a lot more now (one of the things he did to help was find another job making much more money). I think she’s angry & in “vindictive mode” and will try to get as much out of him as she can since it was so easy for her the first time. I think I could relax more if H’s salary & our assets (rental property/income) were protected from her claims. Our Wills have been done (another thing he had no problem doing is disinheriting OC) but I’m worried she still may have claims on our assets. Child support was set without taking our 2 children into consideration and I think it is too high. Our bills were reflecting that, until H got a new job recently, and that depresses me monthly. From following this board, I want to “separate”, file for child support & alimony so his income is taken up by my claims in case OW does file for modification. Does anybody know Maryland Child Support Law who can advise me if this seems like it would work and if H can file for modification on OW to lower her CS because he now has his family’s obligation to pay?

I’ve called some law offices but everybody wants $200-$250 JUST to come in and tell your story. What if I don’t find them suitable, do I get my money back when I walk out of their office?

Thank you all for being here, although I’m sorry for the circumstances that bring us all here.

Hi! Sorry you have found yourself in this sitch - but you have come to a good suportive place to vent and ask advice!

I have a thought about your financial sitch - put the rental houses in your name only so that it is your income. OW can only get CS based on H income, not entire household income.

I am not familiar with Maryland laws so I can't make suggestions with that. Sorry.

Hang in there.

Wow! Your husband kept this from you for a long time.

I would make it worth your wild, to pay the attorney that fee to get his advise on your stitch. By what I know that the ow can not file for 3 years unless something severe happens. I'm assuming the same thing w/ your husband.

Most states though do have laws about seperation and all, so if i were you I'd defintly hire an attorney in order to protect you and your husband from any fraud.

As far as your estate. If your husband dies before the child turns 18, regardless of what you did with your wills, the child is entilted to still be paid. So you can not be protected there unless of course you take out a lifeinsurance policy for the child to cover what the cost would be to pay the cs if your husband dies.

Good luck.

Get thee to an attorney NOW. $300.00 could save you thousands down the road. Find out if you were to have a legal separation, how much would you get, etc. You need to be tough on this. Can you defer income from the new job into a retirement account, thus reducing income? A good tax attorney can help you with protecting family funds from this.

We went to extreme measures ALL LEGAL to protect our assets and here we are, done with cs and no longer have any responsibility to the oc.

The legal bill will be worth it. That money is intended for your family, fight to keep it that way.

Tryingto: Thank you for the welcome. On my “Agenda” list (to be completed within the next 3 wks.) is to do a Quit Claim Deed. The home is the home I grew up in and left to me by my mom when she died 2/2002. I had Deed changed to my & H names about 2 years ago. Wish I'd have saved my money for the paralegal work. I refuse to allow income from MY home to become part of what this woman gets. Thanks for your response.

Needto: Yes, he did keep his secrets for a long time. On one hand, it’s a comfort that he ended it 5+ years ago and never went back or did it again (yet) but on the flip side it bothers me that he would have kept this a secret (at least the A part if there was no OC--& maybe even OC if she hadn’t sued for CS) and took it to his grave. It’s just all so hard to digest, keep down and move on. As far as our Wills. We told the attorney that drew them up, that we specifically don’t want OC to inherit anything if either of us dies. OC is listed and does not inherit our property or life ins. as long as I’m the bene. and OUR kids.
All bank accounts with both names on it are set up to go to me if H dies but the two with his name only are on my “Agenda” and will be transferred & closed. From what I understand, the OC will still get part of his Social Security if he dies before she’s 18. That still sucks because that reduces my kids’ claim. But, can’t do anything about that. She’ll still be supported. I’m in the process of doing a Separation/Property Agreement and will be filing for maintenance & CS in the next 3 weeks. I hope I’m successful in being able to get most of his salary cut to me through CS. I’m also hoping when it’s time for modification that our obligation reduces her CS or at the very least continue to keep it where it is. I can’t stand the thought of us working hard just to pay CS to someone else. Pray for me and thanks for taking the time to respond.

LynnG: You’re right. I will spend the money. If all goes our way I think I’ll have a lot more of my security and peace of mind restored and be better able to get back on the road to recovery. If you could look over some of what I have listed in my response to Needto, could you tell me if I’m on a good road to protecting our assets? We don’t have much, but it’s ours and I want to keep it ours. Thanks!

Foreverdamage, it is very hard for me to read what you wrote. I can understand that you need to protect your family. What I don't understand is why would you want to punish the oc for something your husband helped create? Regardless of anything he should be supporting that child. I can only pray and hope that within time, your heart heals and you think twice about some of the things your trying to accomplish. Just for the record, if Social Security does NOT cover what cs should be, the oc can go after h's estate. As well, if things are being switched around and moved out of his name since he's been served, that is fraud in the eyes of the court. As well as the seperation. I know there are loop holes, but I can tell you from expereince it's fraud and hopefully the fow will not try and have an investagtion done.

Again, I understand the need to protect your family. Your husband had to have known that eventually this would surface. He should have told you and planned what to do.

Your not making the ow suffer, your making the oc suffer which is truely sad. The oc is just as innocent as you and your kids.

Why did the ow wait 5 years? Seems like unless she was protecting your husband she would have filed eariler.

But do what you feel is right in your heart and that is what I'll pray for.

The child is not entitled to things other than cs, medical, etc. Depending on your state there are often caps put on cs as well, and or shared cost of living.

STOP IT NTMO - STOP IT RIGHT NOW - if you do not see the guilt -manipulation that you are doing to this distraught mother, shame on you for your insensitivity - She is not punishing or causing the OC to suffer - that was the OW's doing - she and she alone is responsible for the suffering of her child - not even the MM is responsible for that because he has no choice to keep the child. This betrayed woman is simply needing to take care of her own first.

When you are in an airplane, they instruct you to put your own mask on first - they do not teach you to feel guilty about the others next to you that are starving for oxygen and needing your assistance. They do not throw guilt at you for causing others to suffer because you take care of yourself first.

So now I see why Lynn jumps your case every time you post this tripe to a betrayed spouse. It is not a betrayed spouse's responsibility to think of the care and welfare of the child of a woman who didn't want a father for her child.

NTMO once again you need to be reminded that this is a MARRIAGE BUILDING SITE and the needs of the oc do not matter one single bit.

You are so for the plight of the oc, but why not tell ow across the land to think about what is best for the children of the marraige? Why not tell these leaches that it would be best for the children of the marriage to leave that family alone. Or is it only the oc who matters? Sorry, I am a firm believer in protecting the children of the marriage AT ANY COST. And if some oc loses out, so be it. That was the life chose for it when ow kept an unwanted child.


As far as protecting family finances for the family it was intended, what is wrong with that? Why work to support some child that he and his family didn't want?

Make SURE that you check into the living arragements about a legal separation. My H legal "address" was not our home. He just spent nights here!!.....wink wink.

Get the house and ALL property into your name NOW as part of the separation agreement. Get child support also. Then look into the income properties. BUT DO IT ALL WITH SOUND LEGAL ADVICE. DO NOTHING UNTIL YOU SPEAK TO AN ATTORNEY.

Get a good attorney and don't waste a single bit of your time even thinking of oc. Just as ow will not care if your children lose out or get hurt, you do not need to care about hers. Protect your children first as you are the only one who can. Fight for them and their future.

You sound like you are on the right track and I wish you the best.

Find a hard nosed attorney and go after this. Once you have your financial future protected, start protecting your emotional future. Have it set up legally that OW is not to contact you for anything. That way if she calls your house or emails or anything, you slap her with harrassment charges.

Make sure that any/all cs is NOT on a personal check. No need for a woman of such low character have your banking numbers. A money order has no such info and will have tracking info too. Treat her and her child as just another bill to pay and if/when it is all set up, forget about them. Go and live your life the way you want. Trust me the years fly by fast and don't waste a moment on them, they aren't worth it. So get this set up and move on.

[quote]STOP - that was the OW's doing - she and she alone is responsible for the suffering of her child - not even the MM is responsible for that because he has no choice to keep the child. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
*************edit**************
BOTH MADE THE DECSION TO DO THE DEED.
Basic biology tells us the deed creates a child.

I can see protecting you family's Home(you inherted ,it not him) and maybe some assets.
ALL children are intitled to support by the father,our H's should have thought of that first, but unfortunatly, they didn't.
I agree on NC during her pregnancy, that's what H/I did and we worked on our marraige.
We started visitation w/oc when he was 6mos., we had a paternity test 1st, to find if he was H's.
I/we went to Christain consuling and it helped big time.
so if your(you/H) not in counsuling please get some,see what your church offers first.
I actually wanted C w/oc because my H's childhood history, and couldn't see any child doing w/o their father,but that's us, you and your h need to take things one day at a time and decide what right for the 2 of you, also when oc is born make sure you get a paternity test ASAP.

Thank you Lynn G and KaylaAndy - - well said.

Once again NTMO - You have shown your TRUE colors. Concerned about OC - my behind. You're concerned about how many $$$ you can line your pockets with. IMHO - You're a phony.

Forever Damaged - Do what's right for YOUR family and marriage.

Angels, you seem so bent on proving that the OW is innocent and that total blame lies only with the husband. You continually bring that up, everytime; it is the husbands fault, etc. Well DUH. I think the wives on here are aware of it. But it does not exonerate the ow at all.

You state that all children deserve support, nobody is arguing that. HOWEVER, there is a family that comes first and they should protect the future of that family. The oc is NOT part of that family, or their future. People don't drive without car insurance, cause they are protecting their financial future. Nothing wrong with that at all. The oc is not a family member, and should not be considered as such when it comes to finances. The husband has a financial obligation to said child and that is it. If he and his wife do some legal manuvers to protect $$ for their own family no harm is done. Afterall, any dime that leaves that house is from their children already. No sense in harming the innocent children of the marraige now is there?

Actually the oc comes after the marriage, the children, the inlaws, etc. If said oc is hurt, there are two people to blame YES TWO. Those in the affair. The wife and her children have a right to live their lives free of the drama. They do not owe the oc a thing. They do not have to sacrifice their happiness. If $$ can bring a happier more stable environment to the children of the marriage, then they deserve it. Everyone gets a piece of the hurt pie, including the oc, and everyone should deal with it and should move on.

Get the laywer and start making estate arrangements to protect your finances. The sooner the better. Then do a yearly check up to make sure you are protected from future increases,etc. Then leave this in the past. Move forward and live the life you wanted. Once it is all set up legally, you are good to go on with your lives. Free of the ow/oc drama. Make sure you protect yourself from any ow outburts, etc. By makaing it legally clear that she is not to contact you for any reason.

This is YOUR life and if you don't want the ow/oc in it, that is your right. You also have a right to protect your finances. In the long run, your husband and you will be much happier once this is all settled. Send the money order and move on.

AMEN, Lynn!

Lynn,Never said Ow's are innocent or blame lies with only the H *******EDIT***********
What I said is,BOTH ARE TO BLAME AND BOTH ARE RESPONSILBE., AND THAT BOTH THE OW AND H SHOULD HAVE THOUGH OF THAT FIRST AND THEY DIDN'T.
I was also trying to let her know in some cases,
Contact Does Work. Leting her know ALL options.
I also suggested counsling(I preferr, christain,we have tried both).
I also said to protect her home, and some assest's.
*************EDIT*************.
You may feel NC is the only way to go, but C w/oc can be wonderful too! And she deserves to know all the options!
The OC in our case(H/I) call's me momma not her, WE(h/i)give him lots of love as we do our children!The kid's Love thier Brother too! WE both H/I are a positive influence in his life,belive me, more so than Xow. Having him in our lives has brought happiness, not when this all started but, shortly after visitation began, and we have very little if any Xow drama, just in the begining. I miss him when he's not here, he has become in my eye's one of my children.
I also said to, take things one day at a time and to do what is right for her and her H.
***************EDIT**********
Did anyone else suggest counsuling, NOOOO,I did.

Damaged,I agree it was wrong not to consider your children when calculating CS, All of the children should be considered. Do protect your home!!!
If you continue NC,your H should get a copy of his medical/family medical history given to Xow for OC's medical benifit in case of a real medical emergancy.
He could mail it or go through the lawyers.
Get finaces done the Completely legal way,better safe than sorry, don't do anything w/ fincances w/o leagl advice from a lawyer first.
I really feel the need to stress Counsuling,like I said look to see what your church has to offer first, and go from there.

Angel - Let me be perfectly clear. I don't hold a man blameless in his actions to have sex with a woman he's not prepared to be in a long term relationship with.

However, the woman also makes that choice. That's where the equality ends, legally. After that, the man has NO, ZERO, ZIP choices as to the outcome; he is at the mercy and the whims of oftentimes and in many cases, an unstable woman who has several choices - all of which impact the man - and impact the innocent wife and children of that man:

Those choices, in case you are still playing "less than conscious" about those inequities are:

* Abortion
* Keep the baby, legally identify the father, file for child support
* Keep the baby, play head games with the man because of multiple partners, put the richest man's name on the birth certificate if she can legally get away with it, file for child support, make his life a living ****** for as long as she can legally and emotionally get away with it
* Put the baby up for adoption where the baby has the BEST chance of stability with both a MOTHER AND A FATHER - all children DESERVE to have both - but it's not something most OW are unselfish enough to consider the needs of their baby first and foremost.
* Allow OM and his wife to adopt the baby - and completely back out of the baby's life, as she would if she were to choose the adoption route - the only difference is that if the betrayed spouse is a willing, loving, qualified adoptive mother - is that the baby gets to have one biological parent in the mix.

The adoption choice removes the endless pain and financial consequences for BOTH affair partners - nothing is imposed on someone as a way to manipulate continued contact the way OW typically behave. However, it is the least likely to be chosen by an OW for the obvious reason that she can't let go of an emotional and financial trump card - even if it is to the detriment of her own baby.

So there you have it - my very logical and specific reasons why the OW and SOLELY the OW is responsible for the suffering of the OC.

nuf said.

I've read all my old posts, and am very proud of the way H and I have handled our situation.
1-Abortion ,as I'm a christian(far from perfect) is murder,and don't want to spend eternity in ******.
2-she doesn't make our life a living *******,sorry to disapoint you
3. she doesn't interfear w/our marraige either,sorry to disapoint you again
4.contact w/mature adults is possible and benifit all involved, oops guess Idisapointed you again.
I stand by what I said Both OW"S and H's are = responbile, both concented to sex and at least my head isn't in the sand on that issue.

Dear Angel -

Count your blessings.

I am stating emphatically that the OW and MM are responsible for violating moral laws by having sex.

I also state emphatically that that is where equality ends. From there, choices legally stack against MM and FOR the OW.

I also believe that abortion is a sin - the most heinous out there, but the MM has no choice if a woman makes the choice to kill a baby he fathered. "It's her body" the law states.

OW is totally and entirely responsible for the suffering of her child - because frankly she had the opportunity to give that child TWO loving parents who are not trapped in a triangle.

You were blessed with an exceptional OW if you have no troubles with child support and visitation/parenting. Count your blessings. ***EDIT****

I just read your story,Wow, is all i can say
I can agree to most of your points.

I am stating emphatically that the OW and MM are responsible for violating moral laws by having sex.

I also state emphatically that that is where equality ends. From there, choices legally stack against MM and FOR the OW.

I also believe that abortion is a sin - the most heinous out there, but the MM has no choice if a woman makes the choice to kill a baby he fathered. "It's her body" the law states.
Please read my old posts, things weren't always so easy w/xow,Hand I together had to stand up together to come this far.
I like hearing the Oc's point of veiw,sorry, hate that term.
please email me w/any ?'s and I will give you the full story w/o interfearance from the forum.
I really think we could learn from each other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
kcog66@aol.com