hey,

well, Im headed back today. Am NOT feeling very good about things. My doubts are clouding my ability to have faith in and trust my wife again. Things seemed to be going good before I left. Im just worried that it was all a front. She seemed tense. We didnt make love, her kisses felt tense, she didn't seem too upset to see me go. Im terrified that she is going to meet the OM right now. She says the tenseness, came from her trying to get over the guilt and shame, thats why she didn't want to make love to me before I left. She said she feels "dirty and ashamed." She also showed reservations about other things. I hope it is all true, and she is really going to be there for me when I get home. I know we can get through this as long as she is strong and honest. Im just afraid that in my absence she will fall into the same trap as before. I need words of reassurance and encouragement. Can anyone help me. She also says she will post in these forums, so I hope you all can help her remain faithful, and get over the guilt and shame.

Ray,

Please be safe and take care of yourself. I also hope your wife does the right thing and tries to get help while your gone.

Your in my prayers for a safe return .... God Bless you

We have had wives post here before when their BS was deployed. They learned a lot and did quite well.

The no SF thing may be from her being in withdrawal. Only time will tell.

My prayers will be with you. Please realize that in the big picture, you are the honorable one, you are doing the right thing. Thankyou for your sacrifice.

I know it will be difficult to keep your mind off of your home situation..but remember to keep your wits about you while in Iraq. Good Luck & God Speed.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Can you contact when in Iraq? Please do - have your wife join us here -we can all help her. Now listen it sound slike she is feeling bad. She is putting on a good front to be brave. I am sure she is crying now that you are gone. Be strong - I told my son when he was going over. To please listen to me. No one knows what our future hold for us. His wife had left him and he was D. Feeling real bad when he went over. I told him this one thing - take care of YOU. You will meet someone new who will love you more than anything. He has now. Life is unfair sometimes. But soemtimes we need to look out for ourselves. Take care of you- your family needs you. If anything happened to my boy it would kill me. I am sure you have family and mean so much to them. Be strong be safe. It is bad over there and watch yourself. Please. How much longer are you going to be gone. Write your wife as often as you can.

To help calm your fears, ask your W for a recovery plan that you can monitor from afar. The c/b:

1. IC/MC sessions - she lets you know how they went and you do phone counseling or recap with the IC/MC as well. Steve @ MB maybe able to help out a bit there. He maybe even able to recap you via e-mail.

2. She reads His Needs/Her Needs to learn how to communicate with you to help you feel safe.

3. She regularly commuicates with you via e-mail or phone.

4. Let your local support group at home monitor for you. She doesn't have to know who is monitoring her. That's optional at your discretion

5. You pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Here's the point, it is her job to make you feel safe. She needs to show by actions what it takes to show you that you and your M are her priority. Anger and WS babble are sure signs of waivering. While you may not be able to see her eyes (which is usually a way to help id if they are lying or not), you can tell by her consistent communication and the tools mentioned above.

Be safe.

take care,
L.

Ray

I am ashamed to admit I cheated on my H while he was deployed and yes I too felt dirty & ashamed and so full of guilt.

If it would help your wife pls feel free to have her come here and ask anything or email me if she feels better with that.

It is a very hard time and a dangerous time as well right now for the M if she just gives up in despair thinking there is no way to make amends and build a new M.
Pls ask her to come here and ask for any help and advice, many BS can explain what you need to know & see & X WS can help in letting her know what they did to help their BS & themselves recover.

I'd be happy to give any help I can as I am sure will others.

In the meantime BE SAFE & keep your mind on the job at hand.

MAy God keep you safe from harm.

Most of your suggestinos we are putting to use already. I am not however "monitoring" (spying on) her. I feel that I have to have faith in her. If things dont work out hten its not meant to be, but I am going to trust her again. She has posted in "resolving conflict" her username is "renee44" if you want to do a username search, or PM her. She wants help, but isn't used to the site yet, if you could all get in touch with her and/or post replies to her post, I would be very greatful.