I am so GDamned P'O'd right now! Here I have been busting my a$$ trying to meet EN's up the wazzu for my WH and here I was thinking (falsely) that things may be even improving.

WH comes over last night with plans, yes we actually made plans for this, to do something and for him to spend the night. He tells me he has rush home in the morning because he's expected at a big family function.

I say, oh, just you or am I invited too? He says he doesn't want me there. He doesn't want to have to answer questions about us. WTF?? Well, seems to me if we reconcile the same questions are going be there, do you not want to answer any of them either? How are you going to handle that?

His response? "I don't want to talk about this now" Ok, when do you, I ask. I don't want to talk about it ever. OH...fine...

So, not only has he cut me out of his work life, he's now cutting me completely out of the family. I let him know that it hurts me. He DOES NOTHING..SAYS NOTHING. I hate him at this moment.

Finally, I tell him I don't think it's a good idea for him to spend the night as I'm not "feeling it" right now. So, he leaves. He goes and whines to his mom and tells her I'm upset that I didn't get an invite to this family thing. (Like it matters!! He KNOWS perfectly well I don't need an invite and that it has NOTHING to do with that) So MIL calls me this a.m. to apologize for overlooking me, says invite must have gotten lost in the mail. (Right, this family never sends invites..they aren't that formal) I tell her thanks for the call, it has nothing to do with that, it has to do with a**h*le WH not wanting me there.

He's wearing 2 faces. One for me and another for everyone else. God only knows what he's telling them, but I'm SICK OF THIS CRAP!

Tonight, I do some research on this offroading club we've talked about joining. I see he's joined yesterday. I look through the member list and low and behold! look who else has joined....the OW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Of course I call him and ask him about it. I'm actually pretty nice...at first. Until he starts saying, "I didn't know she joined." Right...and I'm the Pope.

He hangs up on me saying if all I did was call to argue, he doesn't need this. I call back hoping to get vmail...that way I get full uninterrupted time to say my piece...and he answers. Dammit. He's like I'm not going to argue. I tell him I don't want to argue, I want resolution. What is going on with our relationship? His answer? Right now, I don't know. He never knows. It's been since freakin' June...when's he gonna know already? He knows...just doesn't want to get off the fence.

So I end the call by asking him if he's TRYING to make me not love him anymore because he's doing a great job. He says annoyed, no. I say, do you just want ME to file for the damn divorce then? He says, do what you need to do. ARGH!!! I hate him!! So I say fine, I'll talk to a lawyer next week. He says very casually, fine. Jerk.

I'm so MAD. I just want to call this woman and tear her a new one. Thank her for her part in destroying my marriage. I want to go and just have it out with my WH and get it over with. I'm so frustrated right now. I can't STAND this anymore!

ARGH!!!!!

I guess I need for you guys to talk me out of calling OW and giving it to her, but good as well as driving over to WH's and just having it out with him tonight too. A real come-to-Jesus talk.

If you guys can't see a reason...I certainly can't

Stop,

Please don't do either one. Just try and calm yourself. Belive me I have wanted to both of those things myself in the last week.

But as I was told my mentor Mimi here its not worth your time. For one thing the OW won't care at all. If she is low enough to involve herself with a married man nothing you say will penetrate her head. Plus it just give them a common enemy.

Yelling at WH will just give him more ammo to justify with... I to want to just let him have it but I know it would do me no good. I would be mad and then become upset and emotional. So actually the person youhurt the most will be yourself...

Please just stay calm and think rationally... Seeing how our WH's can't think rationally right now someone has to ...

Good Luck
Hurting

STWP -

Vent here, but don't go see OW. Or call her. The experts here greatly advise against. I spoke with my OW briefly & I wish I never had. Even though we spoke only two sentences to each other( she wanted to know if she listened to me, would I hear her out - I said I didn't know, so she hung up on me) I ended up feeling like a weak person.

OW will probably only say how much your WH loves her and how they have plans to be together forever. Their Fantasy.

I know it is tough to be in a Plan A. Really tough. I don't know too much of your story, but try to stay strong and positive. Maybe act like you could care less about the invite to the family gathering. You had plans anyway.

Take care of yourself. What are you doing for you?

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
3rd exposure this week. Getting ready for Plan B.

It's just over. My marriage is over. He's been telling me for months he wants a divorce. I guess I've been to dense to just accept it. Didn't want to give up the fight.

He does not want to be married to me period. It hurts so much to say that, but I know its true. No amount of Plan A'ing is going to make a difference. All he says is I Don't Know. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm SO sick of I don't know.

He says HE can't be the one to help me through any of this. Says I have to be the one to do it. I have to work this out, not him, not with his help. Says there is nothing he can do.

He doesn't trust me. He doesn't want me. Doesn't love me.

I mean really, what's the point. I'm only killing myself trying to make this work and I'm getting nowhere. Like a car stuck in the mud. Unless he gets out push, we'll never get it out. But, he's walked away and left me in the car alone. Now I just have to wait for it all to just dry up so I can drive out on my own.

I told him to just bring me the damn paperwork. I'll fill it out. Let's get the damn divorce. Get it overwith. He seems to think it'll solve all his problems. I asked him if he's happy now that he's getting what he wants. Of course, he tells me no it doesn't make me happy. Well what does make him happy then? Surfin the net looking for single women to chat with? Joining new clubs so he meet new women? (Oh, he continues to deny that he knew OW joined the offroading club and says it's just too bad if I don't believe him)

He says I am the one hurting myself, not him. I am the one looking at his personal ad on the net. If it hurts me so much, he says, don't look at it. Nice huh?

I'm not supposed to be concerned that my HUSBAND is PAYING to talking to single women who are looking for a mate. The exact same way we met by the way. I'm not supposed to be concerned that my HUSBAND still works with and is going on another trip out of town with his company and oh yes, OW will be there. Just like she was in May when they apparently decided they had a thing for each other? And this time, she'll most likely be divorced?

He keeps saying he wants a divorce and then we can be friends and maybe start again. I mean come the f*** on. Who does that? I can't wait to hurry up and divorce my husband so I can start dating him again. Give me a break.
He says divorce is not an ending. Um...welll...what is it then? It's the ending of what could have been a great marriage partnership. Oh..wait..it is a beginning of his SINGLE life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hey - I just realized we both registered on the same day. I am getting ready for Plan B. WHOO HOO. Have you considered doing a PLAN B first??

I am so sorry that your WH is such a jerk. Mine is too.

Sometimes the alien inhabiting a WS leaves and sometimes it never does. It sounds like you are just ready to get this done and move on without your WH.

Remember he is talking FOG talk. He is not your H.

What do you say to going into a PLAN B with me???

& that's a bunch of CRAP about the "being friends" stuff.

Kim

I've thought about Plan B..talked about Plan B...just haven't done Plan B.

He is supposed to drop of the paperwork he has gathered (off the web and from the courthouse - no lawyers for him, he has nothing to protect IMO) tomorrow when I'll be away from the house.

He said we can "talk" about our relationship on Monday after work. I just can't wait for that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I can already tell you how it will go. He'll show up, act a little sheepish, sit down and say nothing. He'll wait for me to start. If I say nothing, we'll sit in silence. If I talk it'll be me asking questions and him answering them. He likes to play this word game too. He'll answer any question you ask, just gotta ask the right ones if you want to know what's REALLY going on. Jerk Jerk Jerk! I'll end up getting angry, it'll turn into me talking and him sitting there listening looking either mad or dejected. Then when I run out of steam, he'll leave. I'll feel like crap because nothing was accomplished. But he kept his word and showed up and "talked" about the R.

I am NOT looking forward to another one of those. I would lilke to have an actual conversation that is revealing, but I might as well ask for the moon. He doesn't care about my feelings and discounts them whenever he can.

I'm pretty angry right now and I'm not even sure I can write a decent Plan B letter. Besides, all he wants is a D...what good will Plan B do at this point?

Maybe you should just slap the Plan B letter on him at the meeting? Give him a kiss on his cheek, and tell him to give you a call if he ever extricates his head from his nether regions.

Plan B is like a beautifully cut diamond. It has many edges. But it IS hard.

Plan B removes you from the chaos. It smothers affairs by depriving the affair partners of fuel (drama). It forces the WS to actually live with the consequences of his choices. And it provides YOU with a transition period in the event that reconcilliation becomes impossible.

It's something to think about. Particularly if you're in consideration of Plan D.

I'm confused.

Does his family know for a fact he is having an affair?

LadyJ - I'm thinking that would probably be the best time to do it.

Pep - Yes, pretty much the whole family knows about this whole mess. News like that travels fast in that family. That's too juicy not to pass along. Now, I'm not sure just what exactly they know given that WH has most likely put his spin on things. I'm sure he's done a good job at crushing the whole A thing and now it's all about me and our separation.

Hi stw,
I completely understand your anger...the WH seem quite intitled at times...

I suggest you either enter Plan B on Monday as LadyJ said or just call him today and cancle the meeting on monday.

Look, one thing I have realized is that we cannot push a resolution...the second is that it will take time for things to get resolved...so do not rush and do something based on your emotions today....

You said H is in 'I don't know stage' since June...that is 4 months.....ask yourself: is 4 months that long in the long sceem of things? I mean in 20 years will 4 months or a year be that long? I don't thing so. Of course you don't want to sit around for a year while H goes between you and OW and do nothing....but you don't need to do anything on Monday.

He said we can discuss it on M. It is like he is giving you the privaledge to discuss it on M. If you don't do plan B, call him. Say no, I just made plans for M. I'll talk to you some other time(don't say when)...do not make dates! ....it may throw him off a little!! if not, you will feel like you get some power back...hopefully...
At the end you do what you can, what you feel is right for you, these are just suggestions....

Good luck,
{{{{{{stw}}}}}}}}
Daisy

Thanks white_daisy. Only 4 months, they feel like an eternity. My anniversary is next month. I fear it will be spent like so many others in my position, with WH cozying up to OW and me elsewhere.

I know logically that by pushing for a resolution I will not get what I want. Or if I do, it will be a victory full of discord and short lived.

WH is so aloof and seems to be disconnected from me now. But in his idiocy, he comes over and checks my caller id for ?? and goes through my mail. Like he's going to find something. I don't know.

I wrote a Plan B letter. I'll post next...

WH,

I want to apologize for my part in helping to make the environment seem right for your affair with OW. I know now that I became complacent and I took you and our relationship for granted. I foolishly thought that my vote was worth more since I made more money and in doing so I completely disregarded you and your needs. I was completely unfair to you and totally selfish. I am also deeply sorry for hurting you in my effort to end your affair with OW. I was trying to end the affair, not destroy you.

I have learned from my mistakes and I want you to know that I want to avoid making them again in an effort to create a new life for us that will meet your needs. I have been making improvements in myself, some of which may not even be noticeable to you, and am willing to work with you to create a life that will meet your emotional needs. But I cannot do that until you completely end your relationship with OW and any women you’ve met online.

Until that happens I cannot see you or talk to you. If you need to communicate about any matter it will need to be through your mother (or any other person of your choosing.)

Please respect my decision to not see you right now. I have endured a lot of pain because of your relationships with OW and these women you chase online and I just cannot be with you, knowing that you are still in touch with them. Should you decide that you want to make our marriage a priority and you are making the changes that will be needed to do so, I will be here. I do love you WH, but I cannot continue like this.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage into something better than we had before. I want us to be able to meet each other’s needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. I want for us to trust each other. I want to be your best friend, always there for you during times of joy and sadness and I want you to be my best friend again. There was a time when we had love between us, WH. We can have that again.

With all my heart,
BS

excellent

My one teeny-tiny suggestion would be to change the word "chase" regarding the online women, to something more neutral like "chat" or "communicate". You and everybody else here know he's really chasing them, but no sense losing the flow of your words long enough for him to have a mental argument with you over whether or not he actually chases them.

agree with neak

ditch "chase"

Thank you, I'll make that change.

At this point, would you guys agree that it's the right time for Plan B?

Just give him the letter in person or email it to him? If I give it in person, do I have this little talk first or hand him the letter first and send him on his way?

[color:"red"]Orchid: My stab at this letter is to show both had ample blame in the demise of the M. Don't be the martyr here. He is just as responsible as you in this failure and the WS will not take kindly to the BS trying to redeem themselves and making the WS look blameless. As foggy as it is, the WS know they are not blameless so don't make yourself look bad. Read your original paragraph because I removed some parts of it in the copy above. [/color]


[color:"red"]Orchid: Hm.... I get your point but it is still not clear. Try to say it a bit more firm:

'The improvements I have been making have been showing remarkable changes in my life. They are lasting changes and giving me the ability to meet what I have come to learn as the 'emotional needs' each of us have and what each of us need to give to our family. I have learned that shallow relationships with strangers do not replace the long lasting love that comes from being a valuable member of our family. [/color]


[color:"red"]Orchid: Suggested rewrite: In order to be a valuable member, all communication with all OPs must end. Uhtil that happens I cannot see or speak with you. If you need to communicate about any matter, your mother has agreed to assist. [/color]


[color:"red"]Orchid: Good [/color]



[color:"red"]Orchid: Take out the 'I want' lines. Right now he is a WS and your wants are not important to him. Rephrase it to make it more palatable. Something like:

For the love that is still in your heart for our family, please use it to help us bring the trust and love that we need. Our family wants to love you again but the trust right now is fading fast. Each of us is willing to do our part to make our family a wholesome one and have found a way to make it even better. We need your help to accomplish this.

Sincerely,

Your Wife. [/color]

Ok, something like that. The point is to give your info but not define BS vs WS. You want to show your changes w/o pinning u 2 against each other. WS' are quite sensitive to being singled out for any type of scolding. Even if you don't mean to scold, it usually gets taken the wrong way. I have found that using words like family and us vs you/I or me, has a softer impact while still getting your message across. Also the WS' mindset has a harder time trying to paint the BS as a bad guy because you have bundled up the entire family in your letter.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Orchid. I had a difficult time understanding your suggestions for the first paragraph. Here's what I got:

Rewritten Plan B:

WH,

I want to apologize for my part in helping to make the environment seem right for your affair with OW. We know now that we became complacent and we took our relationship for granted. I foolishly thought that my vote was worth more since I made more money and in doing so I completely disregarded you and your needs. That was completely unfair to both of us.

I have been making improvements in myself. They are lasting changes giving me the ability to meet what I have come to learn as the “emotional needs” each of us have and what each of us needs to give and receive from our family. I have learned that nothing can replace the long lasting love that comes from being a valuable member of our little family.

In order to be a valuable member, all communication with OW and the women you chat with from online must end. Until that happens I cannot see you or talk to you. If you need to communicate about any matter it will need to be through your mother.

Please respect my decision to not see you right now. I have endured a lot of pain because of your relationships with OW and these online women you chat with and I just cannot be with you, knowing that you are still in touch with them. Should you decide that you want to make our marriage a priority and you are making the changes that will be needed to do so, I will be here. I do love you WH, but I cannot continue like this.

There was a time when we had love and trust between us, WH. We can have that again. Use the love that is still in your heart to complete our family again. We need your help to accomplish this, however we cannot wait forever.

With all my heart,
BS

Orchid - by the way, I found what you said about the WS not taking kindly to the BS trying to redeem themselvs and making the WS look blameless to be very true!