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#1487898 10/02/05 10:45 AM
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Folks, I haven't posted much lately. Since my WH moved out into his own apartment, a huge change has occurred.

I feel like a different person. It is such a difference to NOT feel hurting and pain day after day.

I realize that other problems and other hurts are inevitable; that is life. But the pain of seeing him come into the kitchen in the morning after we sleep apart is gone. And the pain of catching him on the phone with "her" and making a left turn toward her office in the morning while I drive our son to school, is gone. The pain of asking him at night why he was turning left (toward her office) rather than right (toward the freeway/work) is gone.

The pain of spending a couple of hours preparing a meal cooked just as he likes it, and not being able to reach him by phone to confirm his arrival time, while he is on the phone with two yes, count 'em, TWO, long cell phone calls with her is gone.

The pain of checking his cell phone for an idea of how much time he talked to her the day before, is gone.

What a difference.

THat's all I wanted to say. Other than, MB is wonderful. You guys keep fighting for your marriages.

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YEAH!!!

Such peace you must feel amidst the sadness of things not working out as you would have liked, peace in accepting you can not force this man to love you the way you love him and accepting the "I really will be okay without this man in my life everyday, I really will survive, and even moreso thrive
without the worry of what this other person is doing or not doing, of the peace that comes no longer placing them in the role of a god in our lives, and thinking we just can not live without this person."

I'm sad things did not work out the way you would have liked, the way we would all have liked to see things go, but at the same time I glad you have found peace where you are.


Simul Justus Et Peccator
“Righteous and at the same time a sinner.”
(Martin Luther)
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Thank you Thorned Rose. Now my goal is to be a decent person and an excellent parent with shared custody. In two years our son will be off at college. He has his own relationship with his Dad, he is old enough to phone him on his own and big enough to walk over to his apartment. He tells me when he intends doing this, and when he wants to include a friend to share the swimming pool and weight room, and I make sure his Dad will be in the building by telling him to call first & speak to Dad.

My family and parents taught me valuable lessons by negative example on how to deal with a divorced family. I am grateful for the memories; they keep me in check when I want to slash at my husband in front of our son.

So far, so good. Not what I wanted but better than constant hurt. And our son is whole and healthy.

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I'm so glad you posted, I was wondering about you Belle.

I know exactlly what you mean. What to do with all the energy that you used to spend on worrying about him. All the stress of living with someone who treated you like an inconvience at best. All the hope that if you could be the right person or say the right thing he would change.

You are great just as you are Belle, and dont you forget it!


Lora
Lora #1487902 10/04/05 11:00 AM
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Bellevue,

I remember you well from the GQ forum. I'm so happy to hear you are healing and moving forward. It's not easy and it's not what was hoped for... but it's better than what was.

Best of luck to you!

FIM


Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet.
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faithinme,

Thank you. And congratulations on your new marriage to Steve. I wish you joy and contentment.

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Bellevue,
What things did your parents do wrong.
I am in the process of D. WW has moved in with OM (part time, the week she has our son she stays with her parents, then she can drive him to school)
My WW moved out last week, so I can identify with the sigh of releif, not having to see her in the mornings, and calling OM wispering sweet nothings.
I still feel very empty though, not because she has gone just because of the loss.
Meanwhile WW is promising our son many bad things, that he will move in with them, that OM will buy him a dog, lot's of head game stuff.
My son is saying he wants to move with WW full time now, but that changes. Last week he hated her (actualy spat at her) My heart is so sad for him and myself.
If you know of things I can do for him, I want to know. Obviously I tell him I love him, and give him hugs etc. I do not want to get into a buying love war with them. It's too sick.


Me BS 44 WW 38 Together 11 Maried 9 EA 7/9/05 PA 7/23/05 9yr old son + 14 Step S + 21 Step D DV Day to come
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I love ya kid!

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Yep! Me too. (Not "I love me too" but "Yep, back at ya!" At least MB introduced me to some really special people.

It is so nice to just have peace. Real peace, not a Cold War. I can't believe I lived as I did for almost half of our marriage.

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Ah, it wasn't just my parents. My grandparents, my other relatives, did some pretty insensitive things.

Until my mother became too ill to speak, I heard about the bad things my father had done. And the last time I saw my father, he made a special trip to the airport where I was boarding a plane home, just to tell me that it wasn't HIM who wanted the D; that my Mom had her eye on a greener patch on the other side of the fence.

As an adult, I recognize the wisdom of my mother leaving him. He was a really twisted puppy.

Some of the things they did:
Mom: didn't take care of business. Allowed Dad to slide on the child support payments, when he offered to pay the house rent rather than hand her the money. DUH. So we had a process server banging on the door trying to evict us. She would say "Tell you father ....."
Brought her married boyfriends home. Fill in the blanks.

Dad: Allowed his 2nd wife to abuse us. She nearly did kill my sister. Always spoke ill of my mother. Didn't pay his child support. Broke promises to us, forcing her to take up the slack to fulfil his broken promises.

Both: allowed us to be alone at night. Let the heat and electricity and phone get cut off. Didn't buy groceries. Neglected our dental health. Treated us like we were their parents or their shrinks, rather than like we were their children.

If your son asks questions, give him as little information as you can get away with. Govern your tongue. Bare minimum: Mommy loves another man, we have problems, but they are grownup problems. You are a kid. You have kid problems. Worry about the kid problems. It's our job to take care of you, honey, it is not your job to take care of us.

[Basically what I told our son, he has overheard about the OW but when he asks, I can tell when he really wants to get details and when he just wants reassurance that his life as a kid is secure. And though he is 16, what he really truly wants is to be told that

he is a kid, and he is doing what he needs to do, and that we are going to keep him safe and secure.

And he does not pursue it. If he really really did, I would give him more info.

Clear?

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Belle, don't mean to steal your thread, but wanted to give a reply.

mntony,

What can you do to help your son?

Keep YOUR promises to him.

Don't lie to him or make excuses for his mother or her behaviors, if she makes a promise and doesn't keep it, that's on HER not you. just let him know you understand how much the disppointment hurts and that your sorry he has go through that.

Let him know that just as their are times he will disappoint you, there will be times you will disappoint him as well, because your not perfect, apologize to him when you have disappointed him, like if you make him a promise and can't keep it, apologize and reschedule with him.

Let him know by your actions of spending time with him doing things HE's interested in how much you love him. Words without action mean nothing.

Invite him into YOUR life, share your past mistakes and joys with him, and what you've learned from them good and bad. Take him to do some of the things YOU enjoy doing, introducing him to some of YOUR friends, and show an active interest in HIS friends and his life.

Let him and his mother build whatever relationship they will.

let him know HE doesn't have to choose between loving you and loving his mother He is free to love you both because your his parents.

Let him know He is free to have a relationship with the OM, because you know that as his father you will always hold a special place in his heart that nobody else can take away.
Teaching him you understand there will be times he has friends you don't always like and it's okay, you love him anyway.

Let him know that no matter where he lives, be it with his mother, or you, you will love him the same. Just like you will when he grows up and eventually leaves home.

Let him know that yes you want Him to live with you, just as much as his mother wants him to live with her because you both love him and love spending time with him. (and then prove it to him by spending time with him, even if he chooses to live with his mother, spend as much time with him as you can)

Those things will help give him confidence in himself knowing he is loved and secure in that love even when he isn't with you.


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Thornedrose,
I do and intend to keep on doing things with my Son. I tell him I love him every day. i do let him know that his mother loves him also. When he Is with me he is free to call her If needed. The same goes for the times he Is with her. I am a good provider and will continue to be. I am not comfortable with him having a relationship with OM. I am sorry but It makes me sick to my stomach, i realy beleive WW and OM cannot last also. He lives too far away, from my sons school etc. He can't move because of 2 kids from 2 DV already. I would not want my son to become attatched to be abandoned.


Me BS 44 WW 38 Together 11 Maried 9 EA 7/9/05 PA 7/23/05 9yr old son + 14 Step S + 21 Step D DV Day to come
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mntony,

To add onto Thorned Rose's advice: When you do things together with your son, do the things HE likes. If he likes to build sand castles, but you would rather sit and read under the beach chair, go and work on the sandcastle with him. If ;you like bullriding but he wants to do paintballing, take him paintballing.

[The H of my girlfriend is crazy about bullriding and forced his kids to go with him for an event in Vegas. They hated it. He takes them to gun shows. Ditto. He will not participate in their hobbies.]

If your son likes videogames, play them together. Let him teach you. If you take a hike, go at his pace. Don't lecture him about the flora and fauna or force him to keep up with you.

About the OM, I completely understand. Nausea inducing. And unfortunately, the courts don't take an interest in protecting children from their parents' paramours.

That you are asking for ideas tells me you are a good and concerned father who puts his son first.

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TR, stealing threads is the nature of the Boards. I've done it myself enough times. I'm glad we can be here to help mntny.

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MNTONY,

It really doesn't matter if it makes your stomach turn or if your uncomfortable as far as if he builds a friendship with OM, as it's not about YOU, it's about your son and his relationships. Yes, the chances are great that OM and your WW may not last, but that's not the point, he's not abandoning your son. Why? because their relationship isn't one of great importance, only one that is there by virture of his relationship with your ex-wife. And beyond that, their relationship is only one of 'friendship' not parent/child, and as your son will learn in time not all friendships last forever. Many friends will come and go in his life, and he can learn something from all of them.

And even if that relationship doesn't last he your son can learn a great deal. It may be good or it may be bad, but he will learn something that can help him grow as a person, if you help him discern whether or not what he is learning is good or bad.


Simul Justus Et Peccator
“Righteous and at the same time a sinner.”
(Martin Luther)

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