Mel check your email

Yikes.This thread has taken some pretty "interesting", shall we say,turns.



For me it was the committment,of knowing my H and I were only close like that with eachother and no one else, in marriage;giving each other pleasure;being secure enough with one another to experiment and not feel embarrassed as you might with someone new;having those intense sexual feelings with the man I loved compares with very little.But,it was also the whole package.I could have done with infrequent SF's if the rest of our marriage and life together was healthy and satisfying.

What elevated *me spiritually was being faithful and being the best person I could be.That spilled over into my sexual life and it was very rewarding.I cannot conceive of adultery in my life.I just never, ever, ever could do that.It would spear my soul so deep that I just don't know if I could live with myself.I heard it somewhere that "you have an unswayable moral compass" and that describes me.It ties into all my sexual experiences and heightens my awareness.

But, I do not personally believe that all sex between all partners is soul bending.A lot of it going on now in society and relationships I think is very inappropriate,sordid(A's) and not healthy.The only person I have had sex with was my WH.We both made that decision to be the only ones for each other.I came close with other boyfriends before I met him but not intercourse.It didn't feel right or special.I felt it wasn't time.Marriage was that time.There's such a security there that I will miss.Like a warm cozy,blanket I wrapped my life up in.

Because of that I know in my heart I will not be able to be intimate with anyone unless I love him and care deeply for him.SF is something special to me that I will not share with just anyone.I'd rather go without than have "casual sex" or ONS's anyday.And I will not be with anyone who doesn't think similarly.Count me out.

I still think it all boils down to people being lonely in their lives,looking for answers and trying to fill voids in all the wrong ways and places and living a life further away from God.

O

Oh no – this is a total misconception! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> As previous stated by Melody, all you have to do is read the book of Solomon in the Bible to know that sex is supposed is to be sensual and suppose to give marriage partners pleasure and enjoyment. Therefore, other than for “creating new life”, God has also created sex for enjoyment and pleasure between marriage partners. Sex (for whatever purpose) is ONLY sinful if it takes place outside marriage. Therefore, sex with anyone other than your spouse IS sinful…according to God’s standard and the Bible.

H and I were actually discussing this last night, and came to some very painful impasses. He said that pre-A, the bond we shared was unique--we'd connected emotionally, spiritually, biologically (then we had three children who connect us permanently, now four), and pysically. Sex was just part of the powerful glue that held us together. Now he is having a hard time telling me what is special and unique about our SF. Ouch.

Bear with me, please, my mind is rambling today...

I tend to share *some* opinions with folks such as bOb and NSYN and others who are married to their "first and only". Sharing yourself with one person alone makes for a POWERFUL bond, but when one of the two of you extends that bond to someone else, it rips your soul out and turns the extraordinary into the "everyday". Why? THAT is the million-dollar question--what makes it special?

One of the things I'd believed about myself up till D-day (darned if that one day didn't change my entire world!!) was that I would NEVER be able to even so much as kiss a man who'd kissed another woman. Yes, by the way, H and I are literally each other's firsts for everything. I just couldn't imagine sharing something so intimate "casually", and even the thought of kissing my own husband after he'd had his lips on anyone else absolutely disgusted me--the idea of the REST of that bond being severed and him giving himself sexually to another woman left me feeling totally violated.

H is in the field of electronics and in the past he's used this metaphor to describe the sexual bond between husband and wife (forgive my layman's description): Consider the sexual union between husband and wife as the completion of a circuit. It takes at LEAST two components to form a proper connection--but adding additional components does not strengthen the circuit, it actually weakens it. The lights on the Christmas tree dull just a little every time you add another strand of lights to the circuit. Such is the nature of the marital union. Sex provides that "spark" that is theirs and theirs alone. Does the addition of another partner (either before marriage or added through an A) CHANGE the nature of the union? No, because what they *had* before is still there...but the circuit has been weakened.

The pure unity of a "virgin" marriage can NEVER be restored. That, among other things, is what separates the recovery of a WS and a BS. My H is out of the fog; he is back in the marriage 150%; he has put FOW in the past and regards their "union" with utter disgust at this point. He doesn't have "fond" memories of what went on between them. Problem is he has shared that part of himself with someone else, and that is something we can never get back. I haven't. I remain his--I have never even shared a kiss with another man, nor do I ever wish to. The very idea makes me physically ill.

To me, what makes our SF special is that it is a part of me I have never shared with anyone else--it's a part of myself I give to him entirely every time we're together. But to him, now, even though he admits there is something "special" with me that wasn't there with FOW, he can't say what. To him, the very act has been cheapened. It's different. He's no longer "mine" entirely. He's given a part of himself to someone else, and that part can never be regained. Was it a sinful bond that they shared? You bet your sweet bippy it was! Sinful, dirty, disgusting, and just plain crude. There was nothing "special" about what he and FOW shared. What goes on within the confines of marriage is pure, wholesome, and holy, no matter how "sparky" it is. But the wires have been spliced, the circuit has been broken, and the strand of lights is dulled.

bOb, you couldn't have been more right--affairs sure are crap!

My WH wasn't my only sexual partner. We met at 17 and I lost my virginity to him at 18. At 23 I finished with him! I felt I was missing out and within the space of 10 months I had a few meaningless, drunken shags (apart from one who I was potty about). HOwever, WH missed me and convinced me to rekindle our relationship. Our sex life took off. It was really satisfying. I was so at ease with him that just about anything was fine . Our sex life was a very strong part of our relationship until a few years ago when we hit upon some financial problems. I strongly disagreed with his handling of money, the rot set in and our sex life went to pieces. I realise now that our friendship was actually not that strong, but sex was what held us together. It was a powerful bond.

I don't have a response to Pep's original question. I just thought you ought to know that I used to be a hotty. Feeling rather luke warm these days. tt

tt, hon you are still a hotty. Your WH is a fool is all.

tt, FAITHFULNESS is hot. Having a direct line to someone's inner core is hot. Affairs? Pseudo hotness. It's the difference between a lightbulb and a bonfire--they both put out light and heat, but you can't roast marshmallows on a lightbulb.

Hmm.....marshmallow... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...SORRY, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I'm in a mood today! Apparently a mood that has me thinking in metaphors.

Regarding sex - Ann Landers said this, not certain on the exact wording - Sex without marriage is wrong. A marriage without sex is wrong.

This is summing it pretty basically, like was her style. Made sense to me.

Just my two cents to throw in. (or really, Ann's)

Best regards - car

Carnation, I like this! It’s very true and Ann said in a plain and simple way… I’m going to add this one to the “Favorite MB quotes” thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />