Looking back today it seems such a short time. As I was living it, it seemed like forever. It is one year ago that my education started. I have come a long, long way. My looking glass into the past can be found in the posts of the men and women right this minute on the “Just Found Out” forum. Just about every thing I felt on that dreadful day is there to read again and again across dozens of threads. Infidelity is still very much in vogue. But I resist visiting that forum with any regularity. It is a bit too disheartening to read a steady diet of betrayal. I have confined my area of the world to the “Recovery” forum as I feel much more at home there.

The very first thing everyone should do is to read all the information on this site with regard to infidelity. Ol’ Doc Harley knows what he is talking about and if you read this site information you WILL have the basic cause and effect of affairs and a whole host of information detailing why people hurt the people they love the most. So if you have not read this info then do so right this minute and then come back to this post.

So if you are reading this and you are wondering or hoping to get to a place where you can breath again I have a few tips that I learned that made a difference in how I viewed myself, my life, my marriage and my wife. It is a hodge-podge of information all gathered from the best minds in “recovery land” and of course my own painful and rewarding journey. Let’s call these items the “Recovery Keys”.

RECOVERY KEY No. 1 (TIME)
First, there is NO magic recipe to get to the other side. It takes TIME and a lot of it. Know it for a fact, right now. You are here for the long haul. That is just the way it is. Throw the calendar in the trash can, time is unimportant in this world. As the calendar pages flip life will begin to make sense once more. Unfortunately it takes time and patience. No matter what else you do it or how well you do it, time and patience will always be the order of the day.

RECOVERY KEY No. 2 (MUTUAL DESIRE)
Second, recovery will not start until both husband and wife want it to. It takes two to Tango. So if you have a spouse who is still lost in the “beauty” of the other person you will not begin to enjoy the benefits of recovery until your spouse stops ALL contact with the OP and their feelings of withdraw have subsided. If you are the wayward spouse reading this and you commit to “no contact” it will be very soon that you discover that the OP was not so great but that those “lovey-dovey” feelings were the real hook. Perhaps you could have those same feeling with your spouse? Now we’re talking!

You know, it is important to understand that the whole idea of “recovery” is misnomer. I don’t think anyone here wants to “recover” what they had pre-affair which is almost always a flawed marriage where one spouse, the other or both are not communicating in an honest fashion, have no boundaries with the opposite sex, living in a make-believe world and have little true understanding what this whole idea of marriage really means. Nope, don’t need to “recover” that. Instead the object of the game is to build something brand spanking new, a marriage or relationship where both husband and wife become important to each other. The object is to build something where the welfare of each is precious, valuable and long lasting. Doesn’t that sound great? Who in their right mind would argue with that? Here is the best part, it is readily available to both husband and wife and all they need to do is to desire it. Yep, that’s it; if you want it it’s YOURS for the picking. I have yet to see an instance where both husband and wife wanted to recover and failed. Recovery is assured, 100 percent guaranteed if both spouses really want it. But before that happens it helps a great deal to understand a few things. After all, you are not really recovering anything but instead you and your spouse are constructing something new and better and there is the “right way” and “wrong way” to do this.

RECOVERY KEY No. 3 (FORGIVENESS)
A note about forgiveness and infidelity, not very many people really understand it. I am amazed that there are books written about only this subject. So, if you are a spouse who thinks you need to forgive your husband or wife you are likely wrestling with this concept on a daily basis. It’s a real hand wringer. I’ve been there. I discovered to my dismay that I felt virtually powerless to make forgiveness happen. Oh sure, I said the words; I even posted my sincere forgiveness in these pages, but somehow those words lacked the commitment and feeling of forgiveness. After all, I despised everything that my wife had done, all those terrible selfish acts of cruelty. How could I ever forgive her and really mean it?

As I was dying a million deaths over this, she was doing everything she could to show that she wanted to be part of the marriage again, that she both wanted and needed me, her long lost husband. Then I noticed something happening. As each day passed I began to see my wife in a slightly different light. What started as an insurmountable mountain of betrayal changed as she became relentless in showing her commitment to our marriage and her remorse for her past behavior. That caused me to raise my eyebrow and wonder just how long she could keep it up. Was this real or just an act? And you know what? I started to believe! Bit by bit her determination is winning me over. Inch by inch I am feeling that she really deserves a second chance. Drop by drop my self-esteem and confidence is returning. But did I forgive her? Darn it, I still harbored some significant pain and while the baggage was certainly lighter I still felt a load on my shoulders. And then it hit me!

Forgiveness is the final evolution of recovery.

Some folks might think that they need to forgive their spouse before they can recover, but I suggest that it doesn’t happen that way at all. Nope, forgiveness is a result of recovery and not the other way around. Forgiveness is a consequence of all the other recovery tasks that husband and wife do. I might even suggest that once you have forgiven your spouse you have recovered. Forgiveness is the pinnacle of recovery, the Holy Grail that signifies that that you may have arrived at the finish line.

Not every marriage can be recovered, but there are bunches of betrayed spouses out there that have closed the door on forgiveness altogether and post with questions why their recoveries are not proceeding and what can they do get unstuck. They are the group that will not even entertain the possibility of forgiveness. There is NO Mountain that their spouse can climb to show that they deserve the opportunity to be forgiven. There are others who will not allow forgiveness to be an option because it means that they will be giving themselves up to the possibility of further betrayal.

They are the ones who will be forever stuck. They will agonize over the past events and those events will forever occupy the forefront of all their thoughts. They may be holding on to the betrayal as an avenue to punish their wayward spouse or to protect themselves while becoming self absorbed in their own self-pity and most do not even realize they are doing this. They come up with a million reasons why what happened to them has some special significance that makes their recovery outside of their control. But in the end, they are the ones who are selfish. They are the ones who have elevated their own needs so high that no one can satisfy them. If their spouse becomes a casualty, well “they brought it upon themselves”, or “they just have to put up with me”, is their attitude. That sure doesn’t sound like a very appealing road to me but still, I understand the allure.

When my wife asks me if I have forgiven her my typical response is, “I don’t know, do you feel like I have forgiven you? Am I acting like I have forgiven you?” I know that answers a question with a question but her response always seems to lead to some great and healing conversation. The real truth is that she doesn’t need that questioned answered as the best answer comes solely from our actions and quite frankly we have stopped asking it altogether.

RECOVERY KEY No. 4 (THE PAST)
The inability to separate past from the present always seems to be a huge issue and impediment to moving forward. Many betrayed spouses live their daily lives in the past while just as many wayward spouses cannot bear to acknowledge that past has any relevance at all. “How can I ever forget what you did to me” verses “Can’t we just move forward and forget what happened?” The one thing that both typically agree on is that they both regret those terrible deeds of the past and wished they never happened.

But I would say to both the betrayed and wayward alike, the past is a chapter of our life’s history and history is our GREATEST teacher. As you allow the past to become your teacher you will notice that as each day passes you and your spouse are building a new history of positive and loving experiences. That means that the betrayal looses its relevance as it slips further and further behind the pages of a new and better history. If you struggle with holding on to the past always ask yourself this question, “Who am I married to right now, right this instant?” To answer that question you will begin to look at your spouse’s performance record or their history. You start with the most recent history and then look further and further back until that history has no more relevance. In my case, I now have one solid year of Mrs. G’s history book that is filled to the top of nothing but kind actions and loving deeds. That history creates an expectation of what I can expect tomorrow and make the perfect introduction to the next Recovery Key.

RECOVERY KEY No. 5 (TRUST)
That brings us to the concept of “trust”. You say that you once had it but your spouse’s affair ruined it and now you can’t see how it will EVER return. Welcome to the party. The simple fact is that trust is the culmination of a consistent and expected behavior. A spouse’s affair breaks that bond of trust and that means that the betrayed has lost the assurance that a repeat performance won’t happen again. Heck, nobody wants to be married to anybody that they cannot trust. Who wants to be constantly looking over their shoulder, not me, not you? Yet, we all know that in a marriage you should have a reasonable expectation to trust your spouse. So, what do we do about this trust thing?

Most D-days are surrounded by a host of lies, omissions and half-truths with regard to the depth and events surrounding the wayward spouse’s affair. They just can’t seem to bring themselves to let it all out in just one sitting. So the betrayed gets spoon-fed the story bit by bit, each day reveling new surprises to a bewildered and betrayed spouse. At the end it is no wonder that the trust between husband and wife is blown to smithereens. In the days that follow every betrayed spouse views with skepticism just about every word that flows from the wayward spouses mouth.

So the reality is that most every affair ends with the BS having zero trust with the WS. From there, there is only one direction to go and that is up. How fast that happens depends on several factors but the most important is controlled by the ongoing behavior of the wayward spouse. If a wayward spouse shows the betrayed that they are consistently, every day reconnected in the marriage then the betrayed will come to expect that next day will be like the previous. If you both live your marriage with complete radical honesty then you will each develop an expectation of trust; if that is done long enough and consistent enough then trust begins to reestablish itself.

Like forgiveness, trust is result of the thing that you do during your recovery. It is not something you do to cause recovery and it all starts with “Radical Honesty” (thanks to Dr. Harley!). Can you trust an honest person? This rhetorical question says it all.

There are many other recovery keys most of them fully explained by the Harleys. My other personal favorites are:

TRANSPARENCY IN MARRIAGE: This refers to throwing individual privacy between spouses into the garbage can. It makes having an affair a virtual impossibility.

THE CONCEPT OF SAFETY: The wayward spouse’s greatest gift to recovery is to place their betrayed into a position of comfort with regard to the wayward’s ongoing behavior. It is a place where the betrayed knows that they are not in danger of any kind of repeat performance from the wayward.

THE FALLACY OF THE MINDREADER: It is very important to resist having an expectation that your spouse knows how you feel or should know how you feel. None of us are very good at reading minds so if you have something on yours then share it with your spouse, tell him or her and let them (and yourself) off the hook. If you do this you will bypass many a-hard evening.

LOVE IS AN ACTION: You want to be in love, you want your spouse to love you? If that is what you want then you must behave in that fashion. Do the things that lovers do. Actions not only speak louder then words but can actually cause you to “feel” in love. Remember the Harleys discussion on the Love Bank and making love deposits? Every time you do something kind, or considerate or loving for your spouse you are increasing the positive way that they feel about you. It is simple arithmetic and the result is a forgone conclusion, LOVE.

I still have some traveling left on my journey but I now feel comfortable that I will one day arrive on that sunny beach.

I hope that you find yourself reconnecting more each day with your loved one. I would have never believed that I could ever have recovered from happened to my wife and me. I assure each and everyone out there, if I can do it, you can do it!

Mr. G

Mr. G,

Can I ask you how long it took you to get from D-day to the start of recovery?

TR

Thanks for sharing. I wish we were where you are.

TreborRose,

you asked me:


Everyone’s timeline to recovery or divorce is his or hers to own. From the day of initial disclosure of Mrs. G’s affair it took five to six weeks for the full story to surface. I remember those weeks well. What I thought was only a seven-month affair actually turned into a seven-year romp with multiple partners, secret email accounts, telephones, hotel rooms, plane tickets and approximately $70,000 of gratuitous spending on other men. From the initial d-day each new day reveled a further depth of betrayal. During those weeks Mrs. G kept in contact with her group of friends. She even searched Yahoo to find new friends. Of course, I found out everything. I would surface a piece of her lie and then she would come clean with the rest.

It all felt so hopeless to me. There seemed to be no chance that this marriage would survive. In the midst of all this my recovery had begun but I sure didn’t know it or feel it until a month latter. During that time I cried like a little baby. I told her there was NO WAY we could make it, it is hopeless. I had given up. I couldn’t eat, sleep or work. Yet I went to work each day. To this day I don’t know how I ever did that. I prayed daily for her to leave and at the same time I was frightened like a child that she would. I will never forget November 2004.

What changed in her during that time I don’t really know? Perhaps she never really thought that I valued her, or perhaps she just didn’t think much of herself. But something changed and she began to reconnect with me. I spotted a glimmer of hope and I think she did too. With Steve Harley’s help we built on that. We began to create a NEW history. The story of Mr. and Mrs. G continues to be written.

Mr. G

Thanks for your post. I have a husband that wants to divorce me because of my affair. We have alot in our way that has kept us from even having a chance to recover. I am sorry to say he just doesn't want to recover. I believe he thinks moving on will heal all wounds. He knows I would do whatever he needed of me to help us start a new life. Guess I still hold out some hope because I do love him and we both loved the family that we onced had.
I wish you the best in your road through recovery.

I would like to ask the community to give this post another look and comment on it. I was impressed with it and thought it had value.

Mr G. I would like to add it to a toolkit I've got going, if that is fine.

Thanks for the help.

Mr Goodstuff,

Absolutely brilliant post.