Hi All,<BR>Long time since I posted or talked to anyone. Have been doing much soul searching. No love busting or much of anything. Trying to run old songs thru my head to ward of the demons. Today H says he never thinks of how I might feel only how I will react to what he does. When he takes it to the edge he doesn't worry about my feelings only how much trouble he will be in or how he will be hurt. I am at a loss. I am so mystified at this point I feel like his mom. Any thoughts?<BR><P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

I think a lot of wives end up in kind of a role of a mother of the entire family. In some ways that isn't all bad, but maybe you are resenting that role that maybe you feel he has placed on you? How can you change that role to best friend?<P>Karen, I remember about a month ago - I was watching the 700 club, and Pat Robertson had a word of knowledge for "Karen" - and said your marriage will be restored fully. When I heard that, my mind went directly to you. I don't know why - but it did.<P>I thought maybe the reason you hadn't posted is because things were going so well.<P>Do you think your husband puts your marriage in the PeterPan/Wendy Game? Peter Pan liked Wendy, but felt like Wendy was the one with the responsibility and he was the little boy trying to play games... One marriage counselor in my first marriage said that my X played that game. I don't know if that is true, because I think my X had deeper problems than what she was trying to make an analogy for.<P>I'm glad you've stopped the lovebusters, and you know what? This is a positive, because you were able to identify this much with your relationship with your husband. This was very interesting.<P>TNT

alleyoop - After reading your profile, I have to say, it sounds to me like a lot more than a cyber affair! For your H to behave this way, it sounds (I hate to say) like he's seeing the OW in person. You need to confront him with this possibility. You also need to keep tabs on him and see for yourelf what he might be doing. Let us know what you come up with! Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Could it be that your H is so emotionally impaired that he can't figure out how you would feel so he doesn't try, but through cause and effect has learned how to react?<P>Or does he just not care for whatever reason or take you so much for granted that he does not need to consider this?<P>Does he have respect for other people's feelings? Does he want to think of your feelings more or merely stating a fact. Was he angry when he said this?<P>I'm so sorry...that would be crushing to hear.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Alleyoop -<P>I've missed you, my friend!!<P>Can't add anything more than what has been said so far.....<P>I'll wait for our response.<P>HUGS, <P>Sheba

Thanks everyone....TNT you are right I havent posted because we are doing better. I wanted to spend time making myself indespensible. I have been trying to be the happy and secure person I was before.......even if it wasn't exactly honest. I did tell him that I was making myself conciously be positive.....even if I didn't actually feel that way. In his self-absorbed soul he forgets? that maybe I am still not okay and that he could change that by loving me more, by coming out of himself to see how I'm doing. I am doing much better though since I realized I feel better even if I pretend to be happy. Thank you for your thoughts TNT. Wex.....he might be seeing someone else. He flirts in front of me. I believe he does that so that he frees himself of some of the guilt. In his mind I think he believes that if he doesn't LOVE anyone else.......its okay. Skewed thinking huh? If he is seeing someone I know there is nothing I can or want to do. Resigned I believe they call that. I can only change me. Even that is at this time an insurmountable task. Faith.......I honestly think he only is capable of feeling for himself. What a narrow little world huh? I love him and feel bound to help him peek out over the top of his bindings. I know there is a heart in him waiting to open up. If I don't succeed........what have I lost? I am better in myself now and remember that I cannot lose if I give of myself with love. If I am honest with myself I will survive. I hope our marriage survives because I believe he only Thinks he can live without me. I have always been here to save his butt in every crisis. He has forgotten. He doesn't remember the insecure man he was 20 years ago. He only knows the man is now. I feel sure he sees only what his narrow mind allows. With time.......maybe. If not, I know I will be okay. I don't want a pretend marriage but we do what we have to do huh?<BR>Sheba I have missed you a lot and wondered how things are with you. Any changes? Life is a hoot aint it! Just when I thought I knew which end was up...alleyoop! LOL<BR>Love you guys.......Karen

Hey Darlin'<P>Yeah, life's a hoot, all right!!!! I know what you mean about the alleyoop!!<BR>Except my "alleyoops" keep landing with a big THUD!!!!! LOL!!!<P>While I was reading your post - I was thinking that maybe us,women are just too darn nurturing!!! Thinking back on dating and stuff - I didn't have to think and fix like I felt compelled to after a while in the marriage.<P>WHY is that? Did we change the balance or did they? And why did we readily accept all these responsibilities for the "deep" stuff. I know that for myself - it is a need to make sure things are kept on an even keel and all parties are understood. But what made me take on that role?<P>Did he forget how to think of my feelings and needs and "God forbid" my wants? Or did I somehow express to him that I could take care of them myself because of my efficiency?<P>Getting kinda deep here, I know!!! But are these factors that gave a small opening to the taking things for granted and some kind of need that led to them looking outside of the marriage.<P>Or is it just their egos needing more attention since they got pretty secure with attention from us.....no challenge, perhaps?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Karen,<P>Thanks for updating us. Don't be such a stranger, now, ya hear?<P>{{{hugs}}}<BR>TNT