I went out and fooled around with some random woman after finding out about my wifes A. She told me she was disgusted by the sight of me, and that she didn't love me anymore, and I was destroyed by those words. I went out and found someone to hold onto, and things went much farther. We started intercourse, but I could'nt finish, so we stopped. I feel horrible. I just told her about it, and I don't feel much better. Now I've hurt her, and that wasn't my intent, I just wanted to feel good for a little while. I am not good at dealing with guilt. What should I do? Im still trying to figure out how apologetic she should be for her 3 month long affair, and now Im the one doing all the apologizing.
How apologetic should I expect her to be? Since I told her about my indescretion, I have apologized at least a dozen times, but she has barely apologized to me for hers (I am overly guilt ridden and often apologize too much, but what should I expect from her as a normal level of apology?)

All I can say is this is going to make R so much harder. My H started an A about 1.5 mos after mine started. We are separating as we speak (I think a separation maybe a good idea for both of us.) I feel the dual As have made it very hard for us to recover. We can barely get anywhere because we are both hurting and feeling so guilty. It has not been easy.

And my H has finally admitted that he never 100% committed to recovering our M (he briefly said he was). If you both can do that, I think you will have a much better chance. Otherwise, you'll just be banging your head against a wall. You cannot have true reconciliation unless both people are committed to doing so.

Remorse has been a HUGE issue for us as I feel he rarely shows it/feels it and he thinks I expect way too much. It has seemed to me that my H was more angry at himself for having the A, than being sorry for hurting me. And, he says he is not sure he can forgive me as he has not even forgiven himself yet. In my experience, expecting remorse has just led to heartache.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I do not. I wish you luck!

Ray,

I thought you were headed back to Irag last week. Sounds like you are still around?

Going out and hooking up with some available woman was a real bad decision on your part.You just gave your WW more ammo to feel justified in what she did.You also have some introspection to do.Why would you make the same painful mistake to solve problems in your marriage as your WW did? Think about it.Have you been doing what we are all suggesting?

Out of curiosity I am going to check out your WW's post's that you mentioned on another thread.


O

Ray,

Her lack of remorse might indicate that the A is still ongoing.

Fog babble ""She told me she was disgusted by the sight of me, and that she didn't love me anymore,"" also may be a clue that the A is continuing.

Although you have done the ultimate LB, the whole mess started with her, but it sure complicates the heck out of things.

MC would be my suggestion, if she is willing to go.

k

she is going to MC. We were going together, and now that Im in Iraq, I plan to do MC over the phone with her. I know i F'd up. but i didn't do it to hurt her or to get revenge, i did it to feel good about myself (alot of good it did). I am as sure as I can be that the A is over. I offered her several "get out of jail free" type offers to let her go back to him, but she was very much committed to working with me on this. I still don't understand her lack of remorse. we are working on that together. she says she's sorry, and sounds sincere, its just that I expect more.
Thank you all for your help, and please check out her post, and get her talking, she barely talks to me or the MC, she isn't a very open person, that what we need the most work on right now i think.

ray3, please don't read any further than this 1st paragraph in which I am addressing you. The 2nd paragraph is for OG and krushdt and not for your eyes. Hopefully, if they decide they want to crucify me, they will start a new thread to do so. I will not address either of them again on your thread. I just couldn't let their responses to you go. I'm very sorry for the situation you find yourself in. You said that your affair wan't to hurt her or get revenge. Unfortunately, you did both, whether it was intentional or not. That's one of the very unfortunate aspects of affairs in general. I don't think many people get into a relationship with another person to hurt their spouse. They are just trying to relieve some of their own hurt. Unfortunately, what we intend and what reality is happens to be 2 different things. Try to keep your chin up. If you both want your marriage to work, it can. It will be hard. I don't know if I would say that it will be harder or not... I'll have to think about that one. But it will be hard.



OG and krushdt I thought this site was an "infidelity is never right and there is NEVER an EXCUSE" for it site. However in reading the response the 2 of you wrote, I see now that there is an acceptable "excuse" to have an affair. I guess a person just needs to come here to get the perspective on what that excuse might be. Is it just a general "only if the other person does it first" thing. (Now that's mature.) Or is it on a case by case basis and the person thinking about having an affair needs to come here and get a consensus opinion from everyone? I'll be happy to allow you to try to crucify me, but if you decide to take up the cause, please start a new thread, as I don't want to take over ray3's.

Ray, I think every FWS could have said those words. Me included!

Please, until you stop justifying your actions, you cannot expect your W to. An A is an A is an A.....

Ummm.Precious,would you like to elaborate on where it says( I will only address my post,not krushts) I state there is an acceptable excuse to cheat? And curiously,why would you think I would crucify you?? Have you read the right post?

I have been here 2 years now and I have NEVER approved in any way, shape or form of anyone cheating,EVER.Not even remotely ever supported it,not even being a BS and then going out to "feel good".What ray did was foolish,unhealthy and wrong.Period.I am not going to sit here and pat him on the back for a very bad decision.He knows this now though.

You need to reread this thread.No one is advocating cheating.If you care to debate then we can start a new thread.

O