Well, the 2 week back together...ended tonight. She and I was away at her folks and I did a stupid LBer and it ended in her packing out of here tonight. FWW and I'm 100% former...it's been a year of NC but she will not let the Lord into our marriage...and soon as she returns I stop going to church and I then suffer also. I did screw up the weekend bigtime...and asked for forgiveness...but she said...I love you, but we are just not to be together...last thing she said as she pulled out the driveway..."I love you." "This isn't the end of the world." Pray for Deb and I. Thanks.

Well...not even a told you so...for letting her back again without boundaries or some type of MC plan? Please give me some tips as to boundaries so if this ever happens again...I guess I don't want to give up on the idea of her coming home and working this out.

Being that I hate to see posts go unanswered I will say "I told you so".

Sorry that this is happening to you.

Lem

Why say I told you so when so many of us have done the same thing?

I let mine back in without any kind of plan or discussion of boundaries and in 3 weeks he was gone again. I knew when he was moving back in that I should be talking to him about things, but I ignored that voice and learned not to in the future.

Now you know, learn from it. Sorry I can't give you any great advice. Keep breathing and try to get a decent sleep tonight.

Hey, StopThe World...what's some of the boundaries I need to have set...and did he return to you?

Welderboy,

I do not want to come off sounding mean, but doesn't it say a lot about you that you have to ask posters for boundary suggestions? Maybe it is the trauma of another false recovery, maybe it is not.

Just like you can not take shortcuts in letting your WS back in, you can not take a shortcut in asking us to help you with your boundaries.

When I go somewhere as a passenger in a car , I almost never remember how to return there by myself.

Get some books on boundaries, read, read, read....then come back and tell us how you want to change your life and your R with your WS.

Best of luck, you are in my prayers.

What I wanted...was her know that she wanted a marriage. She has returned several times by 1st calling asking..if I'm fine then tells me that things are rough for her. This is what happen a month ago, she left for 12 days phoned and returned on the 14th day...saying I want to come home. I'm soft hearted and loving and let her in, she then took off the next 2 days and moved everything back by herself.I can't seem to say...go away and come home when you got your crap together? I feel we need to do this together. I know that our family Dr. ordered bloodwork Sept. 1st and she hadn't went and done this yet...he wants to check her out for thyroid and female things like menapause.

Well, I made it thru the night...only slept 2 hrs., this is about the 5th time she had left...but somehow this seems as bad as the 1st time? Maybe, cause I know its the last...I want to work my marriage, but if she don't it's hopeless.

Welderboy - yeah, he's still around. We don't live together but we aren't divorced and no paperwork has been filed. Kind of in limboland.

As for my boundaries, I'm still defining them actually. It's not as simple as I thought it would be. You can read up on my process on my current thread here .
I'm working on putting Plan B into action.

What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. You need to determine what you need.

Keep breathing...

Thanks, I'll read that later, I'm off work today, and trying to get a few things done. Also, going to my Parents later today.

I got the book "Boundaries" today by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. FWW also called and said she was sorry for bringing up the D word...she asked if I would give her time for her next IC meeting and do get her blood work done.
Told me to lay back and not be so sad...Cake eatin'? I still feel she has been faithful.Anyone use the book I named?

It's Tuesday now...I really can't believe what a difference a couple days make...even after going thru this stuff for over a year and a half. I spent time last night reading the Boundaries book, and realize I need to take my life back. I've been consumed by all this and really don't think her heart has been into recovery of our marriage...so, unless something "large" changes I think, it's best to move on solo.
A true shame...but I only have control of myself.

Welder,

Establishing personal boundaries does NOT make "it best to move on solo". All good M's have these boundaries inherently built into them. When boundaries are thrust upon one partner after years of being together, the first natural response from the WS is anger "You changed the rules".

Then amazingly, after a period of consistently applied and reinforced boundaries, the WS starts a subtle but perceptible shift in their attitude towards the BS.

That shift is called respect.

When we talk about the inability to change or talk the WS into "seeing the light, admittting the foolishness of their choices, recognizing the flaws in the OP etc", we forget about the one quality that we can change, .... respect.


Respect,just like trust, can not be demanded but must be earned.

So draw that line in the sand for your WS.

It may not save your marriage at this point but sure as shootin it will save Welderboy.

Best of luck

FYI

Whenever there is a false recovery ... and the BS begins to post all the things the wandering spouse says

"He says .... blah blah blah"

"She said she feels sorry and confused and .... blah blah blah"

I generally stop reading all the stuff the WS says.... what a WS says means ---> [color:"white"] NOTHING OF VALUE [/color] without action!

Well...truly, I'm a better person..and or husband right now for going thru this. It just seems that WW has never really came to grips with wanting to save our marriage cause she has'nt saved herself yet. Does that make sense? I know right now...whatever she does is her and I can't give her happiness so at this time I need to save myself and have my life back.

Nightly update...I'm doing fine. W has phoned 4 times today..left 1 message that she was heading for her counseling meeting....then a text...saying "hope u r alright". The voice mail..was like in the old days with alot of "UMM and AHH's" like she was searching for words...no "I love you". Should I answer one of the calls...I kind of feel like a [censored]...but I've been a handy Yo Yo for almost 2 years.