Hi everyone, I am totally dumbfounded to have come across this site this morning as I had no idea that what I am going through appears to sadly be so common. I have been feeling so alone and that noone understands me so I wanted to share my story to see if I can find some support amongst you. I think I need some to keep me going. *sigh* This is likely to be long and horrible.

On 28th October 2004, I finally discovered that my H had been having an affair. The details of how long it was actually going are sketchy, as I kept getting contradictory information. I think it was physical for maybe 6 months, but in the makings for a little longer. I had been pregnant with, and delivered my 2nd child during this period and he was only 11 weeks old the day I found out. I had my suspicions for some time before confirming this, but the devestation did not seem any less severe. I felt so consumed by distress I could barely function and I now know it is possible to feel emotional pain in a physical sense. I found out about the affair due to others questioning it, and finally H admitted to it after I confronted him. He then proceeded to tell me that the OW was pregnant and wasn't sure whether she wanted to keep the child or not. At this point she was only 5.5 weeks. I was mortified. I begged him to have nothing more to do with her as I figured that she would make her own decision about the baby. He went behind my back in contacting her saying he wanted to make sure she terminated the pregnancy. At the very last minute she did so (at 12.5 weeks) and insisted that he went along with her. This was a very traumatic day for me as I didn't believe it was appropriate that he went with her for any form of support as their relationship was supposedly now over.

Rolling along, H lost his job on Christmas Eve(OW had been working at same place, as did I before having children) which I thought was probably a God send. I started trying to piece back my life together and be strong for my very young children. I kept a diary of events that didn't seem quite right to me as my way of feeling in control. H seemed to make excuses to be out a lot, and was using the cover up of work to do so. My instincts were telling me something was still not right, but even though I confronted him on many occasions, he lied just too well and I ended up feeling like a psychotic fool for being so paranoid.

This life went on for far too long and I was just miserable. I wanted something to change because I couldn't stand the thought of my future like this, no family time, no intimacy, no trust, no enjoyable times at all. On 27th June 2005 I made a discovery which has totally devestated me..I found an email account which H had been using and there were numerous emails to and from the OW declaring their love for one another, and talking about how I wasn't an issue and that I was "over" him. I was mortified. Apparently he was prentending once again that we had separated and she chose to believe this even though it was plain as day we werent. I confronted him with this new information and said I wanted a divorce. I was just beside myself with grief that he would have gone back to her and all of the events over the past 8 months which hadn't added up in my diary now made sense. I will NEVER distrust my own instincts again that's for sure.

At the same point this new discovery came out, H was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and I have been involved in the medical appointments and understand how this illness could have contributed to his irrational behaviour. This is probably the primary reason why I stuck around a bit longer although it doesn't really help with the anger and pain I feel. I can't blame the illness.

After I found out this 2nd time, she apparently declared once again she was pregnant. H was unsure whether she was bluffing as some things didn't appear to add up. Once his medication started to kick in, he changed and ceased contact with her once and for all. She said she was having a termination again and we started to move on with our mess of a life. Just last week, H bumped into her in town and she declares she is 6 mths pregnant. He came striaght home and told me but I just literally fell on the floor. How could this be happening to me, haven't I been through enough? She says in one breath that she wants nothing to do with H and he'll never know the baby and she doesn't want it (ie adopting it out), but in the next breath she says "don't worry I won't tell people it's yours" and craps on about the type of pram she's bought and the private hospital she's booked in to. She showed him scans and everything.

I can't stop crying, how can I live my life in a relatively small place knowing this??? Inevitablly we will bump into her and IT in the future and I'm frightened of how I'll feel. Already I feel sick to the bone if I'm out and see her car!

To make issues more complicated...I fell pregnant (totally unplanned) around the time I found out this last time and we're now expecting a baby just 3 months after hers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'm just soooo confused and I dont know what to think or feel anymore. I am living in a constant state of paranoia that he will contact her and I hate feeling this way. Will it ever change?

Please help...I need advice and support, I feel so alone. I have only told my parents...I can't handle anyone else knowing. H is prepared to deny this child is is.

Sorry this is long winded...I've left out so many hurtful details and it's still too long!

DW

DW: I'm sorry you find yourself here.
I'm assuming with his bi-polar he is in counsleing? If not I think the two of you should be in both IC and MC.

Until this baby is born, he does not have to do anything. Legaly he has no ties to the child. So I would enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can.

I would also take this time to start rebuilding your marriage with the help of a MC and IC. I would also start looking into hiring an attorney with the legal deatils.

Your husband can deny all he wants, but if DNA shows he is the father he will still have to pay child support. He is not legally bond to have a relationship to the child, but legally he will have to pay cs.

I hope that you guys can get the help you need and you can start enjoying your pregnancy. There is nothing worse than being pregnant and being stressed. It's not good for your baby. Hang tight and good luck to you guys.

I am so sorry for you. I know the pain you are feeling because I to am facing it. I found out just 2 days ago that my husband has a brief affair with his best friends wife and she is now pregnant. I in my heart dont think it is his,but if it is ...what do I do? He says he doesnt want anything to do with her or the child and I tell him the child is innocent and I love him enough to help him raise this child. The OW is a mess. She told her husband last night and then proceeded to take an overdose of Xenax. She is now in the hospital unsure about the child. She told me that she wanted an abortion but I think she may have this child to hold something over my husband. She has many mental issues and unless she gets help that child she is carrying deserves better. I am with you. I understand.

Ladies, I suggest NC W/ow until theses women have the babies and a paternity test is done to see if your H's are the father, that is what we did.
Also I agree on counsuling for you,your H's and you marriages may I suggest chrstian counling,see what your churches offer, and go from there.
Oviously there will be CS. Spend the time during ow's pregnancy on NC and working on your marriages.
WE have C w/our oc and he does bring happiness to our lives, we and our kids love him.
Yes, in the beginning there was drama from xow and contact began at 6mos,now there is no-little drama.
You and your H's must decide what right for the 2 of you ,together.
Feel free to email me or ask ?'s
Read all the Harley's books,pray and give it to God, and don't forget Counsulng.

Distressed,
I am so sorry for what you are feeling. I don't think that there are words for it. I wish I had some advice to give you, but I just found out about my H & OW's pregnancy today, and am at a loss. So I offer you my empathy.

Thank you for the replies, it's so nice to know that there are some of you who understand how painful this is. I haven't told anyone other than my parents, as I can't bear to discuss it and go through that humiliation again. Enough of our past workmates know of the affair and that is bad enough, I feel so embarrassed every time I see them. It's horrible how I feel this way when I've done nothing wrong. I dont want to defend my H, but I feel like I almost have to justify that I'm still with him to them...why is that??? I know they probably all think I'm stupid and that sucks.

I realise that H won't be able to deny the child is his if it gets to the point of DNA in the future, but at this stage she is apparently saying (if you can believe anything she says) that she wants it not to know who it's father is and he's to have nothing to do with it and she has more pride than to claim child support. We'll see though. I don't want to bury my head in the sand completely and expect that to be the case because if it does happen, then I'll be devestated once again. I SOOOO hate that we live in a small place where we cross paths so easily, it kills me. I have considered us moving, but with a 3rd baby on the way I really want to be aorund my parents for support. Again, I feel like all my options are taken from me. Why can't she just have the decency to move away??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Well I guess I know the answer to that because if she had any sense of decency she wouldn't have done what she did in the first place.

I have no idea how those of you out there in this type of situation are able to have contact with the child, I think that you deserve a medal for strength because I just couldn't do it.

For those of you who mentioned counselling, yes we've been. H has been seeing a Pyschiatrist for his BP who is now happy with the meds he's on. He seems a lot more stable in his mood fluctuations now too which is good. We also had counselling together and independently which I am really unsure whether it makes an awful lot of difference.

Anotherpixie & stillsmiling2- I feel for you both also, the first few days are so complex and gut wrenching.

I hate the way this consumes my every waking thought, it's no way to live.

DW

If your H can bump into this woman whether or not she is pregnant, you need to consider moving. If the child is his, he can meet financial obligations.

Your story is gut-wrenching alright -- focus on OW possibly pregnant, focus on husband diagnosed with BP. The most glaring problem is that you are being hurt terribly by any contact whatsoever that the man who promised to cherish you has with this woman. First step, first essential step, according to Harley, is that there be no -- absolutely no -- contact between your H and this woman.

Cherished

Distressed...

I am so sorry for the pain you feel- there sure is none other like it, and with babies and one on the way- my goodness honey, you are still breathing! Incredible.

How is your husband treating you- what is he saying and doing? Are his actions one of a husband who is willing to do ANYTHING to see you through this wreched time? Does he want contact with the child if his? Is he comforting you when you let him, etc?

There are very little words of comfort, other than I can assure you that you WILL survive this, you WILL get through this, and believe it or not... many many people with your story have better and more solid marriages after such a tragic event. You can too if your H is in NC and stays that way. Many told me that this was NOT the end of your lives, your marriage- Try to tell yourself every day that YOU are special YOU are a strong woman and mother and YOU WILL get back your life for those babies! Concentrate on them and how much they need you.

Stick around here- there is no where you can find a more comforting, supportive and understanding (been there done that) group anywhere. You are in the right place.

Prayers and hugs to you during this time- put your gear on, and be a soldier for your family- if there is ANYTHING worth fighting for, worth hurting for- it is your family. It unbelievable just how strong we realize we are when faced with the unthinkable. You are young and strong and believe it or not, have a whole life ahead of you still so just breathe and live it one day at a time for now.

I know how you feel DW. It is a gut wrenching time for everyone involved.

Personally, if I had any advice given to me, it would be to take a pro-active stance concerning child support and other legal issues. I heard the same thing from OW. She was married also so I figured (incorrectly) she wouldn't want any money. But when it came to my H seeing his daughter, it became about money. She didn't want me to have anything to do with the Oc.

Start looking for a lawyer. Ask around. I know it costs money but we paid for our lawyer with a rifle. LOL!! My H had an expensive rifle that he mentioned to lawyer. Guess What?! He took that as a form of payment. No money out of our pocket.

Feel free to e-mail me or send me a private message. I haven't been on this board for awhile but your story touched me.

Take care,
Janice aka entwife

You know it amazes me even until this day how many people experience isssues like our own. Daling I'm so sorry that you've had to experience any of this. I totally agree with ent that you need to seek legal representation and be prepared. Honestly I would talk w/ dh and see if you guys can start setting aside an amount for cs by looking into the guidless in a savings account or something so if that occurs you're family will be ready for it because I know for me it was a hard blow. Actually we recenty got preganant and are overseas. I'm currently busting my butt off to become completely debt free because I have no idea how we'd support this child and our grown family without it. Anyway marriage counsleing is a great option but you might also want to look into individual counseling too.

Amen!

What are your instincts telling you now about his commitment to you and your children vs. his potential current or future involvement with OW/OC?

NTL

Just checking in again...I've been spending so much time just thinking things over and over and over!!

My instincts tell me this time that he IS committed to making us and our family work and that he really is remorseful for what he has done. I just find it so hard to let myself believe him because I think it's the automatic self-protection thing in me that will never give myself completely again for fear of being destroyed. Does that make sense? If so, is it going to be a problem do you think?

Now, in regards to the O/C well...she maintained that she has not put his name on any of the paperwork and nor will it go on the birth certificate. She says it's either her new boyfriend's child or writes unknown. Sounds a little fishy to me. She also says she will not be asking for child support as she has too much pride. This, along with her dates being a bit weird make us all hang on to a glimmer of hope that it's not his child.

Of course, if it all turns pear shaped and she does decide to claim, we will most definitely request DNA and will not let her get away with anything easily. H has sworn to have no further contact with her, he in fact says he has nothing but feelings of hate towards her. I think that once he stabilised himself medically with his illness that things perhaps seemed a bit clearer to him and he didn't really know what he saw in her in the first place. Anyway, I know a lot of you out there are very against this stance, but H has decided either way that he will not consider this child anything to do with him. If he had to he would pay the child support but is not willing to become part of the child's life in any way. Please don't give an ear bashing about the poor child having a right to have a father because we have talked and talked and it's just not an option in our circumstances.

I wished I could seriously consider moving, but finances and family support make this not really a viable option. We live in a fairly small city and we'd have to move to a different city altogether to avoid the chance of seeing the OW at all.

Life is bumbling along here...not really sure which way as yet but I'm holding out strength for my little boys (who incidentally are 2.9mths & 14 mths) and for my precious unborn cargo. Yes...life is going to be very busy for one stressed out mother come next year!

I do know if I ever found out that there had been any form of contact with OW in future behind my back that it would be over in an instant. I am firm on that as he ran out of chances a long time ago.

Now I just wait I guess...until I see/hear of her baby news...not sure how that will impact on me just yet.

DW

Cali had good advise. Just set aside just in case. She can say anything she wants, but when it comes down to it, she maynot be able to keep her word.

As far as putting your husband on the birth cirt., unless he signs an AOP or a DNA test, that can't happen. SHe can however name the child whatever she wants.

LIke I said, until she gives birth there is nothing she can do about your husband. She can't ask him a thing.

That makes perfect sense, DW. It means you are a sane person. It is a problem only short-term. As the months go by and your husband continues to work for your trust, you will find it building again.


Sounds WAY fishy to me. I think it may not be your husband's child at all and she is just enjoying this little game called "make the married man squirm."



Pride, schmide. More evidence that she isn't sure who the child's father is. At this point you two have to ask yourselves if you want to sit back and let her call all the shots on this and hope she never comes and asks for a DNA test and child support, or you can go on the offensive and say you want a DNA test and know once and for all if your husband is not the father. If there's a boyfriend in the picture, the chance is 50-50 or even better he'd daddy and not your husband. BTW, have you had a chat with the boyfriend? Perhaps he'd be surprised to hear she was telling your husband that the baby might be his. I wonder what BF's understanding of the paternity of this child is. What is she telling him?

If she refuses to allow DNA, then assume she has been pulling your strings and knew all along the baby wasn't your husband's. I'd even consult with an attorney to see if there is any way in your state to compel her to provide a DNA sample so the two of you can know for sure and deal in realities. If it's not his, you move on. If the child is his, you plan for that child's financial future and you move on.


You stay where you are. If anyone should run and hide, it is OW. You need the support of your family at this time. Work on your marriage and build new memories with your husband and family. Consider her a non-entity. Your husband is working on saving his marriage and seems committed. Go for it.

~ Snow

I know exactly how you feel. This has to be one of the most painful situations that I have ever gone through. I sometimes still can't believe that it is happening to me. No one deserves this. I pray that you make decisions that are best for you and your marriage. Everthing and Everyone else is irrelevant, well that's how I feel anyway. My husband and I are being counseled at church, I would truly suggest that for you as well. I would also suggest being careful about who you tell this situation to. You need positive reinforcements at this time. You don't need anyone saying how dumb you are for staying, you need support. I pray that you get it. God Bless.