First, I should start off with capturing my vantage point: I'm a BS, now 4 years plus into a great recovery. And, I have NO desire to seek out the OP in our situation. I do a whole lot more reading here than posting, as evidenced by my numbers - heck, I didn't even post anything or register for the first year I visited! That said, I have noticed that there seems to be a number of posters that for some reason have an undercurrent of venom that might be released if they had a forum to get whatever they would want the OP to know regarding their situation off their chest...

In our situation, there's a lot the OP never knew. She chose to believe the lies that were fed to her that characterized me as a disengaged spouse. If she stopped long enough to think through those statements, she'd see beyond herself. What cheating person begins their wayward journey with relating how wonderful their spouse is and how devoted they are to each other?

Also in our situation, the OP in hindsight has a need to whitewash her own actions and paint the WS as the villian. In truth, it took two to tango. It took two to spin the lies and pour on the adoration to inflate the egos to the point that nothing mattered. Not their spouses, not their vows, not their relationships with God, not their kids, not their dying parents, not their jobs....nothing except the reflection they saw in each other's eyes. And it took both of their willing parts to sell out their souls.

Sexually transmitted diseases cover an extremely wide range of bad things. The commonality is they are sexually transmitted and they can be passed on to other sexual partners. In our situation, the OP was and probably is still radically immature regarding modes of transmission, treatments, and even what they entail. For instance - I've NEVER had a yeast infection in my life. Never. And neither has my husband until his encounter with her. The doctors positiely identified her as the transmission source - she infecting my husband, and then him infecting me. It was a very nasty thing to contract.

I also think OP are incredibly naive about the lingering feelings that they hope the WS will have about them. In fact, when the fog dissipates, sometimes a whole lot of crass but truthful comments about the OP remain. Was she the vamp that she thought she was when she was trying to attract my husband? Heck no. She was giving off signals that she was cheap and easy, and he bit. Not exactly the things a person would want to be remembered by. In fact, it ought to make an OP feel pretty used and tossed aside. A lot of things come out about their performance or lack thereof. It wasn't a romantic tryst at all - but more like b-roll left on a cutting room floor because it added nothing to the story.

I think its a natural reaction for BS to feel like some of the "real" story never got told. I think its understandable having a 360 degree view, realizing that the OP never really knew the WS at all and it wasn't "love" at all.

I think in many parts of our lives, the "real" story never gets told. But with infidelity, it matters to us a whole lot more and so we feel the weight on our chest.

Personally, I wrote out everything I ever wanted to say to OW. I think that's what has helped me let it go for the most part. I did this for me because I knew I did not want to carry around thoughts of her -- the unfinished business -- for the rest of my life. And I know that with other troubling "endings", I've had people reoccur in dreams because of the frustration I experienced at not getting things off my chest.

This rarely happens with OW so I know this approach worked for me. I had more to "get off my chest" with her than with any other unsatisfactory work or personal situation. And yet, she is very rarely in my dreams, and only once in the past year did I wish I could have the opportunity to tell her the kind of unflattering things you describe above.

Merge

I suspect that in many ways, when an affair dies a natural death, the WS, especially if the A remains undiscovered, simply moves on and doesn't think about the OP at all anymore. But here on this site, it is not about those undiscovered affairs, so we BS will, in some cases, continue to wonder if the OP actually ever had any idea what the real truth of the A was or what it really meant to the WS.

As hard as I have tried to let go of the OP, so far I have not been able to do it. In my case, I had met the OP a few times over the 13 years my FWS had known her. She was a college classmate of my FWS when I met him and before the affair, they were merely friends.

My FWH is a very dear man and has always been a very good friend to have. He is also very naive, or I should say used to be. As marriages go, I thought we had a pretty exceptionally good one. Sure, there were issues, but I never realized the depth of the effect they had on my H.

He tried, over the years, to discuss those issues with me and I chose to ignore them and refused to discuss them with him. I was the queen of lovebusting on that one.

So he confided his woes to OW, and she, in turn to him. I suspect that they began an EA long before it became an PA. I also suspect that their EA played a big role in the end of her troubled marriage. As hard as it is for me to accept, even now. I know that the reason my husband never mentioned to me that she had divorced (even tho it happended 9 months before the start of their PA) was that he knew where things were leading.

I will never know the extent to which he may have mislead her regarding his intentions. He claimed to me that he was very honest with her regarding his feelings for me and that he was for the most part content in his marriage and loved me and did not plan on ending his marriage.

I have to admitt that I can't quite believe this. Why would anyone begin an affair with that information out in the open? He claimed that she suggested that they enter into a sexual relationship with no strings attached. What he learned very quickly that there are always strings and in her case, they were heavy duty ropes.

Even after he ended the A, she called and asked me why I would want him to stay with me when it wasn't where he wanted to be. I couldn't get through to her that I didn't ask him to stay (infact, at that point, I wanted him to go). I asked her why she thought that if he was cheating on me with her, why would he not cheat on her. I also asked her if she was sure that she was the only one he was currently cheating on me with since she lived on the other side of the country. That gave her pause. It wasn't until I forwarded her an email that my husband had sent me begging me to let him stay in my life and him sending her a very honest and actually cruel NC letter, that we stopped hearing from her.

Not that I care about the well being of any OP. But I can not understand how any of them can enter a relationship with a married person while they were still residing with their spouse. I still believe that people stay with their spouse while conducting affairs because that is truely where their heart is. I guess OP's choose to not even consider this.

In my case my WH moved out to live with the OW and is still there. He has come home 2 times with both leaving and going back to her. He says he felt strange being home. He had knots in his stomach the whole time. I know I tried way to hard and smothered him to make things good. And of coursr OW contacted him and that was that.

The things I woould love to tell her even now it that even though he lives with her , he is is not being faithful to her as she thinks. He still came to me for SF at least once a week up until planb. Well I fell off the planb wagon last week before he left town. I would love to let her know his last night in town he lied to her and spent the night here with me.

I would love to tell her that he still does not know what he wants. I do believe she thinks she has won this was and maybe she has I don't know. I would love to let her know she has no morals and how can she even consider herself a good woman when she allows a married man to move in with her when she has a 13 yr old DD living there.

There are so many things I would love to say to her but I know it would all fall on deaf ears because she has proven herself not to be a good and moral person with any thought to other peoples feelings except her own.

One day all of this will come crashing down around her and WH's ears and I pray that they both can forgive themselves.

That her "significant other", my exWS, the father of their 3 year old son (who was conceived during their affair) still calls me and comes over to see me....and brings their son along...and that he has called me "mama" a few times!

Thanks merge, whome, hurtinginokla and heartmending. I found myself nodding in agreement to many of the things you posted. I had forgotten about the times he was "cheating" on the OP - while coming to spend time with me..times when she felt he had severed ties with his family and wife in favor of beginning a life with her. Not.

Even more than four years out, some things have never become clear for me. How is it that two dishonest people believe that they are being honest and true to each other - despite all the lies that they are both spinning around their sordid and sinful relationship? It totally blows me away. Kinda like the time the OP wrote me a note and declared that she was not an evil person, and she had become a stranger to herself and her family while being the ****** who was chasing my husband. Say what? That note only confirmed what so many had already told me about her: she's a twit.

Thanks for your responses.

Best, Pendragon

Pendragon,
I wrote a long - 4 pages typed - letter to the op in our marriage. I never gave her a copy, she wouldn't have understood the big words and wouldn't have got the insults, but I did give my ws a copy of it.

I would have loved for her to know that he was still making love to me, that she was an idiot to ignore things like his building a new home with me, vacationing with our family, buying me a new ring... all the things he did that she ignored while she played the role of understanding mistress to his equally noxious role of misunderstood husband. Essentially she was an unpaid prostitute.

J1

My letter to OW:

Damn I feel better. Maybe I should send it.

I love that letter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Her is the email I sent this kid that had the affair with my wife.:

I hope to god you get this. This is W husband. Now I know what you look like. You know you have no ****** clue who W is or what she has been threw in her life. You hurt her, you hurt my kids, you hurt me. I have a daughter that is 8 years old that cried for her daddy for 3 months when I could not be with her at home.

Im not so mad at you (but a baseball bat upside your head would be nice), im sickend by your selfishness. The 2 of you did not give one damn about your kids or your spouses. I dont know how in the [censored] you can live with yourself knowing that you have 2 babies. I was married to W for 19 years. I still love her more then life itself. I can and have forgiven her for what she has done. You my friend need to stop f*cking around, pay attention to your wife if she still will have you. You do not want to go thru what I have these last 4 months.

Your 2 actions have hurt alot of people, do yourself a favor and just forget you ever met W. Someday you will understand the hurt and pain you both caused inocent people.
And dude I did have your number since early June, but it seems I care more for your wife and kids then you ever could.

Pray to god for forgivness.

Gosh. There is always more to say here.

Do you remember saying to him that he was cold and aloof, well, despite his sordid times with you he still affectionately held my hand when we walked and in movies. He still wanted me above all else, you were a supplement that just couldn't fill the need he had that only I could fill. For awhile, I just wasn't willing to. Do you remember how he refused to talk about me with you? Well he said it made him feel dirty to hear you speak my name. Do you remember asking him how I looked now since it had been nearly 10 years since you had seen me? Do you remember how angry you became when he told you I looked fabulous? Do you know that while he was involved with you he continually asked me if I was losing weight because I looked thin. Guess compared to you I did. Do you remember when he asked you how much you weighed, well he was curious because he thought you were fat. It goes on and on.....How dare you resent me for being his wife and how dare you berate him for the time he spent with me? YOU were the OW, you weren't entitled to anything. OW have no right to expect anything other than the heart ache they end up with. I never did anything to you so you have no right to resent me. How could you pretend to be surprized when he finally dumped you after 4 months of trying to simply walk away from what he always considered a mistake?

The only satisfaction I have gotten from the the OW in my life was when after D-day I found her house key in our car and I confronted my husband he admitted to me this was hers, it was around Christmas time, so I got a christmas card, put the key in the card wishing her a merry christmas and thanking her but telling her that my husband would no longer be needing this key. I then mailed it off, it made me feel good doing it. maybe juvenille but nonetheless made me feel good in a very horrible time in my life.

The only thing I would want the OP to know...or rather see, is that my FWW and I are doing great. Also see that when they were doing their thing, my wife was overweight and drank heavily. The OP also saw a pic of me when I was fat. If he saw us now he would see two good looking athletic people that are working on a great M.

He would also see that this is a women he will never ****** again. Thank God it wasn't the other way around.

***In reality though, there is good chance I will beat his [censored] if I see him face to face.

I would like OW and her husband to know that my sweet baboo and I are in love and thriving and that we are GREAT at marriage now!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

and we're sexy as heck too!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pendragon,

I am actually one of those cases where the A started as my H related how wonderful I was and how much he loved me. He told that to the OW throughout the month they were sleeping together...he told her so much that she started to get mad and asked him to tell her SOMETHING negative about me...when he couldn't she started calling me a *itch everytime my named was mentioned and then said..don't mention her anymore.

I have written letters to the OW, and actually talked to her after d-day by email. Well, I sent one. She actually apologized...but I didn't buy it. I would like her to see now that I am the better person and always was...and that my H only used her as the ****** she offered herself as...but I think she might have seen that in the end which is why she broke things off before I ever found out.

I am starting to see that she is no more a factor than I was except she was the willing participant. It could have been any woman...she just made herself available first. I would like her to know that too. That she was not special. I think she thought she was. She is nothing and I am trying to force myself to believe that with my heart like my head already does!

hMM,

For me, I think I would just let the OP know that when I'm in Heaven, that will be my one request... that God exacts His vengeance for me. That I withheld while on earth, and walked the harder path. That He would do it for me.