Six months ago today, WH left and moved in with the OW.

I remember the day very clearly, up to the point when he left. I hadn’t slept that night at all (D day was the previous evening, and WH broke the happy news to me at precisely the same time that Pope John Paul II died).

I crawled out of bed, and woke WH (he was sleeping on the sofa). I told him we had to work out what to tell the children.

I made two cups of tea. I remember exactly what mugs I used, old white ones with pictures of the yellow sun on them. My tea was too strong, but I guess I needed it. I said to WH that if there was nothing I could say to change his mind about leaving, then I thought it would be best that he left straight away, as the kids were in the middle of their Easter break and would have a week to adjust before going back to school. He agreed.

We decided that I would take DD5 to the park and tell her, and WH would talk to DD12. It was a sunny but windy morning in the park.. We couldn’t go to the part of the park where the swings and slides were, because it was full of broken glass bottles (bloody teenagers!) – so we walked around instead. I told DD5 that her Daddy wouldn’t be living with us any more, that he would be living somewhere else. Tears welled up in her eyes and she asked me why. I didn’t know what to tell her, so I told her the truth as I knew it at the time. I said that Daddy still loved her and DD12 very much, but that he didn’t love me any more and so he couldn’t live with me any more. I told her that Daddy and I would always love her and DD12, and that Daddy would still see her lots and lots. She seemed OK with that, at the time.

We went back home. I didn’t know where WH was, but found DD12 crying in her room. I put my arms around her and told her I was so sorry this had happened. She cried on my shoulder, said ‘It’s not your fault’. But I felt like it was. Then over her head I saw WH – he was in the walk-in cupboard in DD12’s room, getting a suitcase. He smiled at me, and said ‘alright?’. I couldn’t believe it. It was as if he was just going away for a couple of days. Not as if he’d just shattered all our lives. I wanted to smash his smiling face in. But I didn’t.

DD12 and I went downstairs, and put the TV on. DD5 was playing in her room. DD12 and I sat on the sofa, not speaking but I had my arm around her. WH packed his suitcase in our bedroom. I felt the first tears begin to come as I heard him opening and closing drawers in our room, and left DD12 to sit in the dining room on my own. WH came through in a few minutes. I said ‘How can you do this to us?’ He said ‘I’m sorry’.

He continued packing. I couldn’t go back into the lounge, back to DD12 – I couldn’t bear the pain in that room. I’m so ashamed that I left her alone for those long minutes. I called through the bedroom door to WH ‘You have to tell your mother, you have to call her before you go.’ He said he would.

He called her. I kept the kids away when he was on the phone. I still don’t know what he said to her – I can’t imagine. Then he went to close his suitcase, and pack up the car. I began to wash up the breakfast dishes.

He was ready to go. He came through to see me. He said ‘goodbye’, and his voice was full of tears. I didn’t answer him; I just stared at the sink. Then he went through to say goodbye to the girls who were both watching TV. I heard him go down the stairs and shut the front door behind him. As he shut the door, I heard the girls begin crying. I ran through from the kitchen to the lounge; they were clinging to each other on the sofa, and howling like I’ve never seen before. I put my arms around both of them, and cried too. I still had my washing-up gloves on.

I can’t remember anything else about that day. I don’t even know if I made any food, or how the kids got to bed that night. It’s like the day was cut off as I held my children, and stroked their hair with my wet, yellow hands.

***

Six months later, I have come far. I thought I would die when WH left, and in fact wished for this. My health took a major dive (I have Crohns Disease) and I stopped eating. My parents came to help me out, and were shocked and terrified by what they found. They forced me to go to the doctor, although I didn't want to. They told me again and again that if I didn't start caring for myself that I would end up in hospital and would lose custody of the children to WH. Eventually their nagging and persistence paid off.

I began to eat again. Small amounts at first, but enough to stave off ketosis. I began taking my meds properly. I stopped bleeding and I stopped losing so much weight. One day, about a month and a half after D-day, I found myself smiling at my children. A little while after that, I found I could smile at other things, too.

After I began taking Ads, things began to get better for me quite quickly. I began to find interest in things outside of just caring for my kids. I began reading books and listening to music. I was able to see beauty in the world, and, more importantly, see pain and horror and genuinely appreciate that there were people out there who had it far worse than me. I counted my blessings. I realised I had many.

My children and I clung to each other for support, and eventually we rallied. Instead of being a unit of four with a piece missing, we became a self-sufficient unit of three.

We went away for a week to Spain. At some point during that week, I stopped missing WH. Even when we came home again, I didn't miss him. I had forgotten what it was like to have him sleeping beside me. I'd forgotten the smell of him, his presence in the house was gone. I stopped waiting for him to come home.

Now I've stopped wanting him to come home, too. I've stopped imagining the day when he tries to return, begging me to take him back! I don't think it will ever happen, and I don't think I could have him back now. He left me to die, basically. He knew how serious my illness was, he knew I had previous history of self-harm and suicide attempts. He left me anyway, and left his kids too, knowing all that. It's not even a question of forgiving him any more – it's irrelevant. I don't wish him pain or harm, I'm just happy he leaves me alone.

I'm still waiting for him to file. At the moment, I'm hoping that he'll do the deed himself, but he seems terrified to proceed because he can't afford a solicitor. If he delays for another few months, I will file for divorce myself. I don't want to remain in limbo for very much longer.

So this is it, so far. I was just about as destroyed as one can be when left by their spouse. I have survived! I am happy – not ecstatically so, but working towards it. I am not as healthy as I'd like to be, but I'm better than I was. My kids and I have a much closer relationship than we ever did before.

I didn't believe it would get better. It did.

Life is coming good for me, and I have made peace with the world, and myself.

Alph.

Thanks for telling your story ... in more detail than I remember.

Recovery will come. Healing is possible.

I am so sorry for all the pain your family has gone through in the past six months. Its good to know you have supportive parents, and your family has pulled through this devestating time.
May you find peace and happiness you deserve in your new life, Alphin.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

Thanks, Pep and KD. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's funny, but I've been dreading this 'anniversary' much more than my wedding anniversary, which was on the 12th of August. Perhaps it's partly because I've spent today alone, and my wedding anniversary was spent with family around me.

I really do feel OK - I haven't felt the need to indulge in a big pity party, nor have I shed a tear today.

I thought I might buy a bottle of wine today. I haven't. What would be the point - kind of like shooting myself in the foot.

I am thinking a lot about WH today, but I'll not beat myself up about it. I wonder if he realises what day it is? Probably. Though I guess he'll be 'celebrating' 6 months of living with the OW, rather than feeling sad that he left his family 6 months ago. They'll probably be making a night of it. It's OK. It doesn't really matter any more.

DD12 made a strawberry victoria sponge cake at school today. I intend to eat LOTS of that later, after my dinner.

Here's to getting an extra slice because WH isn't here to scoff it all!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin:

You are a hero.........your WH is a scum sucking heathen who will someday pay for this 1000 times over...

Prayers..

Lem

Alhin - Glad your health is improving and your relationship with your daughters is getting better. His self-indulgence and selfishness will haunt him one of these days but I reckon he's still in la-la-land. Take care of yourself - easier said than done, but your health is your wealth. TT

Lemonman,


Gosh. Thank you! I never thought of myself like that, but I think my kids are pretty heroic. Expecially DD12 - this has been so tough on her. She's come through it, though. Battle-scarred, but a survivor.

Hi TT.


My mom said something similar to me the other day. I was telling her how I just wanted to be free now, and she said that I needed to be healthy to enjoy it properly.

I am going to travel, taking weekend breaks to anywhere that Easyjet fly - it's soooo cheap! Once the D is through, I reckon I can take a weekend trip every other month.

But, I do need to get myself healthier first.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

{{Alphin}} I shed a few tears reading that detailed description of the day your WH left. You are one heck of a woman!

{{{{{tigress}}}}}

See? Didn't scold ya <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(((((Alphin))))))

You and your girls are in my thoughts and prayers.



Interesting that your WH has not yet filed for divorce.
Is it the lack of money
or the lack of a spine?

Or is because he knows down deep that he is throwing away a very precious and irreplaceable gift?

My WH is the same. I suppose they all are.

Alphin,

Thank you for that detailed, riviting description. Very well done!

The selfish, self-centeredness, of the self-absorbed WSs, seeking their own vile self-gratification over all others makes me sooo ill.

God bless you and your lovely daughters. You all have come so far in these short 6 months.

Curious if your daughter's low-life father has been in contact?

Stay strong and THRIVE!!

K

Faithful,

Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It seems so long ago now, although I've lived through every minute of it! The memory is still so vivid, but kind of like a dream - someone else's dream. The woman that WH left isn't here any more.

b0b,

Hiya. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for everything. You can scold me any time, really! I know I deserve it when you do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Lost,

How's plan B going for you?

It's the lack of money, and the lack of spine, and a general 'I can't be bothered' attitude. At no point has WH shown any remorse or regret for what he's done to me, although I know he regrets hurting the children.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that he never really cared that much about me, not the way I cared about him, anyway. Therefore, he'll never feel that he's lost anything by leaving me. Coming to accept that has made it much easier for me to let him go.

krusht,

He's never tried to contact me, never given any sign that he's had second thoughts or that he still cares about me at all.

But he does love his girls - this is what I find so hard to understand. How he could do this to them. But yes, he sees them a couple of days a week. After the D, he'll have them every other weekend.

Thanks so much for your kind words. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin,

I don't know if you have any idea how many people you may have helped with this post. The light is shining so brightly at the end of the tunnel for many damaged souls because of you. I can't imagine the pain of having my FWH simply walk out the door not even wanting to try and work things out. As it stands the pain caused by his affair was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

So far, things for us are working out, but there will always be a little bit of the "what if" fear just under the surface. Your post made me realize that anyone can make it through. That doesn' mean it won't be tough or that it won't hurt. It just means we all have the inner strength to get through it.

I agree with some of the others that your husband will get his comeuppance someday for his actions and lack of compassion for his family. You have to know that you will get the last laugh...even if it doesn't matter by the time it happens.

God Bless You.

Thanks for the update, Alphin, I had been wondering how you were doing.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
But he does love his girls - this is what I find so hard to understand. How he could do this to them.
----------------------------------------------------------

If he's like my WH, he won't admit to this, as he tries to convince himself (and me) that the kids 'will adjust'.

{{{{{{{{{Alphin}}}}}}}}}}

Please stay in touch.

WhoMe,

Thanks for your response! I hope that my tale is of some comfort to someone - it would be nice to think so. Even though my story doesn't look as if it will end with reconciliation, there is still life after being left! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Luna,

Yeah, the kids might well 'adjust'. But they shouldn't have to, should they? Stupid WS's!


I'll be around. I just haven't had that much to report lately, is all. Today is a 'special day'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Take care of yourself and your kids, Luna. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin,

Thank you for your post. It made me cry... Thanks for giving strength to others!

God bless,
Milk

{{{Milkshake}}}

Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I've been following your thread, even though I don't think I posted on it. I hope you are doing OK.

Alph.

Alphin,

You are very brave and recovering so well!

My d day 1 year anniversary is on the 26th. I have no idea what I will feel then, or what I will do. But time does heal.

1 year already! and I'm not half as recovered as you, and not for lack of trying!

Keep us updated.

Alph, this is a good thread.

Something that I find hard is reading news from people who've experienced this sort of nasty walk-out and a few months later go on about how they're doing so wonderfully.

Hearing that sort of thing puts put my B.S. detector, but it also makes me wonder if I'm somehow faulty because I still suffer some of the time, sixteen months after my wife skedaddled and two months after my divorce.

I like your honesty, and your scrupulous avoidance of exclamation points. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


I expect that's so. I have the same sensation.

GC

Hey, I'm British. Exclamation points are still rationed over here.

Special dispensation is granted to tabloid journalists and romantic novelists, though.

Alph.