Alphin, one of these days when I'm back in England, I can join you on an Easyjet weekend away. Quite fancy Prague. It might be sooner rather than later. My WH has an op this coming weekend to prepare him for dialysis. My financial future is such a mess because of his stupidity and selfishness. He was totally in denial that he was so sick. I just pray now his OW doesn't dump him and that he can cope with the change in his lifestyle. I know for sure that I don't want to be his nursemaid now. He also hasn't filed for D although we have now talked about it. Want's me to do all the dirty work.

Alphin, it is almost refreshing to read your story and attitude. Many of us don't get the chance to recover our marriages, even though we might have been willing to try. You are facing a different future than the one you envisaged but you have the support of family and good friends who will help you along the way. Way to go. TT

Alphin,

I struggle with Plan B. On the one side it has released me from running circles trying to please Prince Charming and woo him into NC with Skunkypoo.

On the otherside, after reading "Hang in or hang it up?" by Dr. Shirley Glass, I realize that all of her reasons for throwing in the towel are fulfilled:
1. WH has no compassion for my pain
2. WH justifies his betrayal and minimizes the significance of his infidelity (We are talking about a 4 year EA/PA)
3. WH continues to lie and deceive me.

and none of her reasons for picking up the pieces are:
1. WH shows remors and empathy for my devastation (are you kidding?)
2. WH takes responsibilities for understanding his vulnerabilities (his A is all my fault, you know)
3. the unfaithful behavior has stopped (they still work together, they still meet alone secretly... no sex anymore though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

So, I guess I view Plan B as a transition phase. As long as I have some grain of hope, a willingness to love my H, should he come back, I will not file for divorce. Meanwhile I will take my life out of the cruel dictatorship of his A. Yes, I have a life, it is calling me back, and it is worth living.

Strangely, I see your WH's not filing divorce as a more hopeful sign than with Prince Charming. Prince would never move in with OW ... he'd be far too ashamed to do so. BUT he doesn't have the spine to end it with her either. He is still frantically trying to justify his A and at the same time sweep it under the carpet and at the same time keephis emotional tie and thrill with her going.

In your case, WH left you and the kids for the sleazebag. Seemingly quite consequential, but he hasn't followed through, has he? If she truly is the love of his life, why does he deny her complete security? I don't think that he realizes that his infidelity has nothing to do with the omelette at all. AND it has the least of all to do with you. It is all about him. It is about his ego and his character.

I think that deep down our husbands have something in common. They have a moral code that they held high and that they broke. We are their scapegoats. It is nearly impossible for them to admit that they have a flaw in their character. Has your H ever apologized for anything at all during your marriage? Has he always been the strong, upright, conscientious citizen?

I trusted, respected, and admired my H. He has disappeared. My real H, or at least the man I imagined him to be, would certainly like me to move on with my life and look after our children for him.

TT,

I'm really sorry about you H's condition. I genuinely hope the op goes OK for him.

If you fancy escaping, Prague sounds good to me, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lost,


Very rarely. He's also always had a very 'entitled' view of the world - that it owes him something! Recogising that in him has made me wonder if this is the first affair he'd actually had. I guess I'll probably never know, and it doesn't matter anyway. The affair he left me for is the only one that matters, and even that is mattering less and less.

My H has also disappeared. I feel like he's dead, actually. I feel I'm getting over mourning his death. Like yours, my real H would want me to move on, and not pine for him.

So I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW!

DD5 started Karate lessons today!

She loved it! She's brilliant! She was the smallest person there, but so poised.

My heart just swelled, I tell ya. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi Alphin,

Karate! How wonderful! Did she like it?

I wanted my son (just turned 3 in September) to take some lessons as well, but that time they told me he is still too small.

You are a great mom Alphin.

That was one of the most beautiful and hopeful posts I've read.

Thank you for sharing.

FIM

Yes, you are a hero. I so agree. I also agree that your WH will pay for this 1000 times over... and you will not have to do a thing for this to happen... what goes around - comes around. Seen it happen a million times, for good and bad.

Lemon said it best - You ARE a hero.

Best regards - carnation

A;phin,

I just read your post. You have done well and should be so proud. I hope when I hit the six month point I will be doing as well.

You are a hero as everyone has said, and your WH will someday realize this and regret what he has done. And by then you will have moved on to a better and more rewarding life. God Bless you and your children....

Alphin,

I didn't want to threadjack so I started another one on entitlement.

Like you, Plan B is giving me distance and a critical view of my M pre-affair. I thought I was happy then, but I realize I could be happier. I wouldn't settle for a M like the one I had anymore.
I think that we have outgrown that.

Milk,


Loved it. I was a little worried because the class was 1 1/2 hours, which is a bit long for a 5 year old, but she sailed through it. She loves the ritual and reverence of it - the bowing and complete obedience to the teacher! I was surprised at that - thought she'd just be into the kicking and punching! - but she's really into learning about new and different perspectives on the world too.

Thanks for saying I'm a great mom! Means a lot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

faithinme,



My pleasure. It was really cathartic for me, actually - writing it all down!

carnation,


Strange that even now, I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, not even WH and the OW. I understand that probably, one day, their relationship will end, and one or the other of them will be very hurt by that event. If another infidelity is involved in the break-up, it will be even worse.

But I'm not responsible for what may or may not happen. It's beyond my control. They have made their own choices, and one day they'll stop blaming me for them, I guess! Because at the moment, obviously, it's all my fault that WH left his wife and kids, y'know... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for calling me a hero. It's like SleeplessNSeattle says in his sig line - what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

Hurting,


Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And God bless you and yours. Actually, I think you are a hero, too. I've always thought, from reading your posts, how hard it must be to have a WS who leaves, and then comes back, and then leaves again. I don't think I could cope with that at all.

I'm so glad about your job, Hurting.

Alph.

Alph,

Glad to see you are doing so good. I have been watching you from the sidelines. You are doing everything right!

HINY

Thanks, HINY <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Things are certainly on the up for me, but no sign of the fog clearing for WH.

He and the Omelette are going down to stay with MIL this weekend. I remember how I felt the first time I knew they'd been down to visit - I felt ill. Now I'm really not bothered.

As long as I don't have to have anything to do with WH and his 'new life', then I am OK!

Edited to add -- well, I am a little bit annoyed. I don't like to think of them together, enjoying themselves in a lovely city, doing things together that H and I used to do. But it's history now -- I have my future to think of, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Karate!

* cough * <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

How often is he a hands-on-father?

Ahem. Yeah, sorry, b0b. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Pep,


He's turned into your classic 'access dad'. Takes them to nice places to have fun, buys them lots of toys and pretty clothes.

But knows nothing about what their day-to-day lives are like, or the problems they have. And still doesn't give me any actual CA$H to help raise them.

Alph.

Alph

My cough wasn't 'cos the word's a trigger but'cos the whole UK sport is immoral. I thought so BEFORE Squids afair too.

Violence, black market, infidelity, financial impropriety is at the utter CORE of the sport here. I have 21 years experience of that to back up my statement.

Your lass can have a WONDERFUL time doing teh sport but don't get 'involved' in the running of the club or the sport is my advice.

My own son does karate but as a participant only Thats the best way !

Enjoy ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks b0b. I've no intention of getting any more involved than watching DD5 kick and punch 6-foot men. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Forgot to mention that MIL is going to ask 'how the divorce is coming along' when WH and OW go down there this weekend.

She's going to make sure she asks in front of OW, too!

Love my MIL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin, I am confused. Why does he not provide financial support to you?

Hi Faithful.

He pays for the house, and some of the bills. He hasn't given me any CS since he left, although he does buy them some clothes and shoes.

Alph.

Is this something that in the UK, you don't get official CS until you D? Glad he is at least taking care of the house and some bills. You handling things ok? Anything I can pray about for you?