Im on day 13 of NC following my WWs 6 months EA with Dday 1 (we are just close friends) being 16th July and Dday 2 (we are in love) being Sept 1st

The question is what do you advise regarding presents (3), trinkets (4/5), his cologne sample, selection of innocent texts and Emails (15/20) that remind us both of the OM. I would prefer her to box them and hide away or better still delete/bin/burn them but would rather her do this of her own accord

I am also worried about her piano playing (the OM was her piano teacher for 4 years) but am also loath to suggest ceasing this, as it has been a major part of her life

What do you guys suggest, I suspect if I insist on anything she will resist, but am worried they are hindering withdrawal

Communicate your feelings of how these items trigger your pain.

"Knowing OM gave you this (item) and just being in the same building as these affair momentos hurts me so much. I thought you should know."

You cannot insist just yet. She's still in the withdrawl phase.

Forget the piano playing item for a long while. Save that discussion until your wife seems sane again.

sorry ....

Hi there bosh

I just wanted to let you know that I'm facing a similar situation to you - but a little bit further down the line.

I suggested what Pep has told you - let her know how you feel about this. I tried this, and also tried explaining that I felt it hindered H's withdrawal from his A (2-3yr EA/PA in my case).

H wasn't able to meet this, so in the last week I've had to state this as one of my boundaries, and go to Plan B. I think it was the photos on the computer and maintaining OW as an instant messenger contact that were the final straw for me. He described this as being like me asking him to remove his right arm. I hope you don't have to get to this point.

I wish I knew how to link, but you could look at some of my other posts if you want more details - particularly the one now titled Gone to PlanB - small steps in right direction.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this - it's such a hard one, isn't it. My H seems to be getting the message now, but we'll see. I hope it goes easier for you.

unhappy_badger

I agree that you should be very open with WW regarding these items and how they make you feel. Fortunately for me, within days of dday, my husband called OW (with me listening on the other line) to clarify that he indeed wanted no contact with her in the future. Unfortunately, this meant a loss of imcome for her since she did freelance writing for a magazine which he was the editor of. She whinned about that a bit, pledged her undying love for him, told him she would always be there for him,....and then asked that he return all of the gifts she had given him. I am LOL. She followed up with a letter to his publisher detailing their affair and asking for a severance package. Yes, she surely showed him how much she really loved him. I sure never had to expose his affair, OW did it for me!

In any case, his returning gifts the very next day, made it easier for me to believe that there was not an emotional attachment for her remaining. But then his affair died a natural death and for him, by dday, there was nothing left but a desire to forget about the horrible mistake that he had made.

Hi bosh,

I agree with the other's.You are in the very delicate stages of NC right now and requesting the removal of items your WW has an affinity for might seem as an "LB".As difficult as it may be,save that issue for later on when the situation seems to be on the right track,your WW is committed to NC for a longer period and you both are feeling less stress.

But be clear,all those momentos HAVE TO GO,at some point,no saving anything or even just hiding it.No secrets.She cannot retain anything from her Infidelity.It will not benefit anyone and your WW needs to do this for you,herself and your marriage.

Good luck.

O

Thanks for all your advice

I'm just hoping nothing more arrives and the NC is maintained on my WW's birthday next week!!