Hi all - <P>I am not sure how many poeple are giving advice to you guys, but I recall when I first discovered and the weeks that followed. I was very much in plan A. That was what I believed to be the right thing to do in order to save the marriage and in order to be the person I am (a loving, caring individual). Everyone one thought I ws actin glike a door-mat, but I told them that was what I had to do to save the marriage. I think it may have been working. Then he wanted to move out to think.<P>Once my H moved out in order to keep my sanity I let the anger take over. I did my best to cut all contact with him, but he fought me on that. I warned him at every outburst (there were not many at first), that the anger made me unable to control what I said. However, in order to keep my sanity and take good care of our son I could not go on the way I was.<P>What I am trying to say is that if I had acted as who I was and what I thought was the best way to save my marriage - I may have been able to. Instead - we are moving full speed ahead on the divorce. No one ever told me what to do, just thought I was being that door-mat, but I wasn't. I was just into a good plan A. <P>What I want you all to know is this... You all know your spouses better than most - better than the OP. So if you the best person you can be for you and you do what you think is right for your marriage - then you have a better shot at making than if you listen to other people. I hope this helps any of you who are struggling. I am devastated that my marriage is ending. My H still sends mixed signals, but I can not see how it will ever make it now - he has crossed a line and without a ton of remorse (that has not been shown to my satisfaction) I just can't even consider it - I would have before. <P>I wish you all the best of luck in finding happiness for yourselves - your marriages - and most important your children!<P> <P>

dhj,<BR>I know that its tough, but don't give up hope. You must prepare yourself for the worst, but don't give up hope.<BR>I never expected my w to come back, after all she said she didn't love me, etc., and her and om were going on a dream cruise. Then 5 days before they were to leave, om dumps her for his wife.<BR>I don't know at this point if my marriage can be saved or not but there is a chance.<BR>The same thing can happen in yours !

dhj,<BR>I know I've replied to you in the past & probably your profile is an abbreviation, but if it starts in Aug as it seems to, you haven't seen anything yet. <P>You say your H has "crossed a line without a ton of remorse (that has not been shown to my satisfaction)." If you are expecting remorse you haven't paid attention to Harley's SURVIVING AN AFFAIR. <P>THE BETRAYER rarely SHOWS REMORSE WITHIN SIX MONTHS OF DISCOVERY.<P>You say that if you had acted as you are, you'd have had a chance, but before that you say you acted out of anger--that isn't MB! That WAS YOU! "the anger made me unable to control" you said. Hey, I've been angry & out of control, but I KNOW that was me. The anger is mine and I act out of anger, but I have to take responsibility for that anger being MINE.<P>Listen, I'm sorry for your situation. I'm sorry you are on the verge of divorce, I probably am as well. But I've been in this a year and a half. Sometimes I still let my emotions rule. But, one thing I realize, as have a lot of people before me. How much remorse from your spouse is enough? Some show soooo much and their betrayed won't forgive, some show some and it is rarely enough, some show none and their spouses persevere.<BR> <BR>You can not control your spouse's actions, feelings, thoughts, who they talk to, how they treat you. All you can control is you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Thanks guys!<P>Lor - <P>Just so you know - I was not expecting remorse because I was pating attention to "SAA" but now that sertain things have happened I couldn't take him back without some remorse Like chasing me down the street with flowers and expensive jewlery begging me to take him back. JK ACtually not that much, but more than a lame "I'm sorry" that soesn't even sound sincere. <P>You are also right that the anger is mine, but my actions when I am angry are not what I want to be doing. That was my effort to control the anger. <P>------------------<BR>H

dhj,<BR>I agree, remorse accompanied by flowers, jewelry and being pampered the rest of one's life would be nice. I'm working on low expectations myself--and wondering why in the world I'm willing to do so...sometimes I feel like I have a hamster running in his cage in my brain.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

dhj,<P>At first I was confused by your subject title. "Betrayers - follow your heart"... I gotta tell ya that if I followed my "heart" at the beginning of all this, I would've left my wife. I had to follow my brain and my sense of devotion for my son. My entire heart was screaming to me that I wanted to be with OW.<P>Anyway, I just wanted to say again that I'm sorry things didn't turn out for you and your husband. Truly. <P>--andy

I will have to agree with following your heart and what you feel to be the best for you. I have seen many pieces of advice given that just would never have worked for me. I am not a "sit by and wait for things to happen" kind of person. It took giving my H an ultimatum that worked for us. It was the only thing my heart felt was right. If I had been sweet and loving and waited for him to see she was wrong for him, as many suggested, I would be very alone. I also know that I would have fallen apart. I needed to be strong with him to be strong for me.<P>I guess that is my say in it. I have always felt there are many different ways to approach things and each person has to do what is best for each one of us. Advice is good to give perspective, but it is not the only answer to a problem.

OOPS!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I made a mistake and just realized it.<P>The topic should have been - Betrayed follow your heart!!!<P>Betrayers should follow their heads!<P>------------------<BR>H

<LOL>!!<P>whew!... I thought that's what you meant... <P>--andy

dhj--<P>You scared me there for a moment about the betrayers following their heart...I started doubting myself again!<P>Thought this song might relate to you...I really like the line about the beauty of just letting go...<P>Ain't no talking to this man<BR>Ain't no pretty other side<BR>Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride<BR>It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that<BR>I'm gonna let him fly<P>Things can move at such a pace<BR>The second hand just waved good-bye<BR>You know the light has left his face<BR>But you can't recall just where or why<BR>So there was really nothing to it<BR>I just went and cut right through it<BR>I said I'm gonna let him fly<P>There's no mercy in a live wire<BR>Nor rest at all in freedom<BR>Choices we are given<BR>It's no choice at all<BR>The proof is in the fire<BR>You touch before it moves away<BR>But you must always know<BR>How long to stay and when to go<P>And there ain't no talking to this man<BR>He's been trying to tell me so<BR>It took a while to understand<BR>The beauty of just letting go<BR>Cause it would take an acrobat <BR>and I already tried all that<BR>I'm gonna let him fly<P>