My wh had a long term affair, that I discovered through text messages. On d-day he immedietly ended all contact with her. The problem I'm having is he never wanted to finish all of the lessons in the Marriage Builders program. He stopped because the lessons showed him in a very negative light and he didn't like it. Now I feel like my love is drained, I think about what I would do if I was faced with the same situation again knowing what I know now. I won't break up our family but I don't know if I even love this person anymore.

Any thoughts?

Are you asking a question?

Jenna,

""He stopped because the lessons showed him in a very negative light and he didn't like it.""

What other kind of light does he think he deserved shone on him? Is he truly remorseful and working to rebuild?

k

Pepper: Yes I guess I was asking a question, has anyone else ever felt like they made the wrong decision. On d-day my ws offered to leave or stay, he left it totally up to me. He started out great with working on Harley stuff, then when it became uncomfortable for him he quit. His biggest complaint was that the MB program made it seem that everything was his fault.

Krusht: I think he did expect to have some of his complaints completely validated by the MB program. For example, the sexual fulfillment, he said he had the affair because he wasn't getting enough sf at home. Dr. Harley's books pointed out that he wasn't getting much sf at home because he was never their, never tried to help me with our children, never did anything but stroll in at 10:30 at night and grab my breast - shocked that I wasn't "in the mood"

I'm just so tired of trying when I'm in this alone. But I feel bad when I read how much rougher everyone else has it. He never tried to contact her after d-day, he remains completely open to me (sometimes he makes a hurtful comment about me checking his phone ...) But he hasn't changed any of the behaviors that made me so miserable that I was talking to divorce lawyers when I found out about his affair. I dont' know what to do.

J1

To me it sounds like he isn't yet remorseful. He's doing what he has to do to keep you but only for that reason not because he's remorseful.

"...to have some of his complaints completely validated by the MB program..." says to me he still thinks his A was justified.

Miker

Jenna,

I know exactly how you feel. Yesterday, when I read Alphins "Six months ago today" post, I was so impressed by where she was and the recovery she has made....without her WH. In some ways, I almost envy her because she has more effectively moved on that I have. She appears to have a peace of mind that I still don't have. Often, over the past 22 months, I have come to realize that if I had simply told my FWH to hit the bricks, I would probably have a peace today that I still haven't found. I would be alone, yes, but I can only imagine that I wouldn't still feel the pain I feel every single day.

My FWH and I are slowly recovering, but deep down inside, I wonder if someday he will stray again and all of this will have been for nothing.

Then I realize, the pre-affair WhoMe lived in a fantasy where her husband would never cheat on her. Well, he did, so now I know that he could again. I am, no, we are working on making our marriage affair proof but I think that it may not be until I draw my very last breath with him not having strayed again, will I ever be at peace with it and feel that 100% certainly again.

Who Me:

That's it, I haven't effectively moved on, I'm sort of in this eternal landing pattern because my ws doesn't want to do the thing I need to fully recover and I don't want to leave him and destroy our children.

I remember the fantasy, He wouldn't cheat on me, sure we have some problems but he loves me... I miss that naive outlook on life.

I miss the me I was before the affair. I have these "affair colored" glasses on now, I see everything through that view.

J1

Jenna,

I see from your registration date that you found MB before I did. I think I read some information early on but didn't register and post until about 15 months after Dday. It appears, though that our worlds, as we knew them, ended around the same time.

I can easily identify with your "eternal Landing pattern" analogy. I never quite lose this feeling of apprehension like I am just waiting for something really horrible to happen next. Sometimes I wonder if this is just my perpetual state of normalcy in the post affair world. I sure hope not.