My WH and I have been married for 11 months dated for 4 years. D-day was 8-11-05. WH has had NC for about 3 weeks.
During a discussion last night he finally admitted to me he was in love with the idea of her (which means he was in love with her) He had always told me he was just friends with her and she had alot of information about spirituality, which he is very interested in.
Up until this point I have not been able to understand the A, like I do now. I guess finding out he loves or loved her totally changes things. Now I know why he keeps telling me he is trying to find his way back to us. It is because he has fallen out of love with me. He tells me he has not fallen out of love with me, but I think he is just telling me that. He has told me he doesn't have the affection to give me and he feels he can not give me the things he knows I need right now.
I had a similar experience when I was younger with a boyfriend where I feel in love with someone else. In that situation I new that I never could have loved my boyfriend the way I did before after I feel in love with the other man. Even if I had NC with the OP I know I still would not have been able to get it back.
My WH tells me even if everything was perfect in our M he still would of had the A. He said that once he started talking to the OW he was hooked.
So my fear is that my WH will never be able to get back to being in love with me. I know he loves me but I want him to be in love with me.
Since I have had this similar experience I feel that I know what is going to happen and I feel I know how he feels.
I do not feel angry at my WH because just like my situation I did not intend for it to happen and I didn't realize it was happening. At first it was just friendly and then before I knew it I really cared for the OP.
I think that once you get to that point you can't ever have what you had before. The true love, the inncoent love, the untanted love. I feel that it is so unfair and part of me just wants to let go because I know that there is someone else out there that I can fall in love with and not have to be haunted by these memories for the rest of my life.
I love my H with all my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I feel so hurt and I feel that our marriage is destroyed.
My question is: What do you do if the A was not because of EN not being met?
Is it worse if he just feel in love with someone else?
Does the LOVE really get restored or is it always tanted?
I want to hang on but I don't want to feel cheated in my life. I want a H that would never be able to cheat because he loves me more than anything. Is that only in fairytales?
I feel that I am more in control of my emotion than ever before. The question that always come to my mind is Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who was able to cheat on me?
But then on the other hand I feel that he didn't realize what was developing and then it was to late.
Please help...

Hi Karrie,
I don't have any answers for you, just wanted you to tell you I have been where you are and am slowly digging out of this ******, handful, by handful.
Read some of BobPures posts, I have found them quite inspiring.
Best of luck to you,

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

Karrie,

It would help if you could provide a bit more information. Please post your ages. How did your WH meet the OW? Do they work together? Does she know he is married? Does he show any sign of actually wanting to work on the marriage. Please read this site completely, it can help you gain some perspective on your sitch.

For now, don't get pregnant, the last thing you need is any more to concern your self about. In answer to your question, you can get thru this,if you BOTH work hard. The big question is, do you want to. I'm not sure that I would have stuck it out with my FWH if he had cheated at the beginning of our marriage. That is alot of baggage to carry for the rest of your marriage. You should start out a marriage with trust, your's was shattered pretty early and will take a very long time to rebuild.

You need to know that loving you more than anything alone will not keep your husband from cheating. He must be committed to the marriage and to making it work.

I understand how you feel. I have felt shock, panick attacks, despair, and anger. I still love my H dearly. I don't know about restoring the marriage. I do believe we can, with work, have a marriage that is new and better. Hang in there. It sounds like your WH has a more positive response than some have even after months.

I think that normally the A provides something that the WS percieves is lacking in their lives. Your H may not be able to see or verbalize what that need is yet. You'll hear a lot of people on this board talk about the "fog". It's sort of a state of confusion the WS is in as they move from the A back to reality.

I believe that a man or woman should never council the opposite sex alone. It sounds like your husband was searching for something spiritual and somehow confused OW with what he was looking for.

Hey guys,
Thanks for all the replies.
To give you more info.
I am 23 and my WH is 41 the OW is 27. They meet while she was here temp. They were co-workers. They worked together for about 2 months. Once she moved back to her state they remained in contact over the phone for about a month and a half.($600 phone bill) When I descovered two phone messages on his phone I new what was going on. Even thou I told him on 8-11 not to talk to her anymore he continued for about a month and now it's been 3 weeks since they have talked.
The A was an EA, but some would say it was a PA because they did meet and have dinner one night which when leaving they sat in his car and touched and kissed. He said he was just telling her good bye because that was just before she was moving.
He denied like crazy as all cheaters do, I guess, I think we have everything out in the open now, however I never really know what to expect any more.
He just continues to tell me he is trying to find his way back to us. He says that he thinks he can, but it is very hard and he is still trying to put the A behind him. What worrys me is that he was so taken by the experience with her because of her spirituality, he thinks he has been living his life wrong. He feels like he wants what she gave him in the way of spirituallity and mental stimulation. I have asked him to expand on that and he just tells me that his conversations with her were so different than anyone else he has ever met. He described it as mental sparing.
He said that it feels as if he would be commiting suicide if he tried being with here because he would lose everything. Oh that makes me feel good, cry, cry, cry....
What he means by losing everything is me and his 2 kids. The kids are from a previous marriage. (kids are 8 and 11)
I told him if it wasn't for the kids he would probably try and be with her. He says no it is because of our marriage that he doesn't try being with her. I don't know if I believe that but what can I do.
I am still trying to figure out if this is worth trying to deal with. I hope someone can give me some advice.
Thank you so much for the help so far.
fb- I agree with you on that the opposite sex should never council each other alone. I think he got confused also, but how do I try and show him that. He thinks she is the greatest thing on earth.
Who- I ask myself all the time if I should stay or go. What keeps you in your marriage that you think its worth living throu and not just moving on?

My WH was attracted to OP in part because of an interest in religion. I think that the meeting of ENs is what creates the feeling of love, but the fool who doesn't protect himself from falling in love with another is to blame for the A -- and he alone.

A woman who will be a party to a betrayal of another is not the greatest thing on earth. He's in the fog. If he marries her, he'll never trust her. It is in his best interest to leave her, but he hasn't come to that realization yet. Your role would be to work with him on how you could meet his ENs.

Cherished
Cherished

Cherished-
Sometimes I think he's still in the fog and then sometimes he seems OK??!! Is that normal?


Last night I was up set from the conversation the other night when he told me he felt like he was in love with the idea of her (meaning her having such clarity about life and the whole mental sparing bit) so he was suppose to be attending a get together with a couple of guys at one of the guys apartment. Well the main person whom he was going for didn't call him to go, so I thought he wasn't going to go since the person in which he was going for wasn't going. ( I hope I didn't lose you)
So in the middle of hugging me telling me he is sorry for everything he has done he gets up to check his phone to see if any one had called him in reference to the football game. I then ask him what time his friend is suppose to meet him, he said he didn't call but he was going to go anyways because he told the other guys he was coming. Then he zipped off to the bedroom to change his cloths, leaving me still sitting on the couch.
So I felt hurt that we were having a moment together and he just got up in the middle of hugging me and checked his phone. I told him I was upset that he was still going since the friend he was going for was not even going. I left the house while he was getting dressed because I was upset and didn't want to see him leave. When I returned to the house he had already left and I called him on his phone to ask where he was going he replied his friends house do you want the address. I said no I just wanted to make sure he was not misinterpreting me in thinking I just didn't want him going to watch the football game the whole thing was about me being upset and then him just getting up in the middle of a moment and then going when it really wasn't nessasary.
He then told me he didn't want to go back on his word that he had already told the other guys he was going to go and he felt like he had made a commitment.

I thought to myself yeah what about our commitment.

So then he got mad because I put a guilt trip on him about going then he said he was coming home, I told him no that he had already made his descision and that if he came home it was not going to change anything.
He didn't reply and he didn't come home until 12:30 p.m.
When I was leaving for work this morning I went into the bedroom to tell him good bye he was still laying in bed because he leaves later then I do. So I was going to give him the usual hug and kiss bye, but he never leaned over so that I could hug him. I then said Oh so you don't even want to hug me bye?
He didn't say anything so I just left slamming the front door. I haven't talked to him since.

So do you think I was wrong?
Did I let my taker take over?
What could I of done differently?
Should he have done something different?
I don't feel what I did was right but I feel like I was just reacting to the things he was doing.
Is his careless actions part of the fog?
I feel like giving up, I feel he just doesn't care about me.
What should I do??

I think that a very rare outcome of initial marital conflict regarding making decisions is what Harley calls the Policy of Joint Agreement - decisions are only made which benefit both simultaneously.

Your husband is showing a disregard for your feelings in going out with the guys, just like he showed a disregard for your feelings in having an affair.

Try Harley's book The One.

Cherished

It's been a couple days since my last post and alot has happened. On Wed. (3 days ago) My WH and I were suppose to go to MC. We had been having a bad couple of days leading up to that. The morning we were suppose to go he told me he didn't want to go. he said he felt at that point the C was not going to help him that he needed some time apart and that he needed to figure out what he wants.

I told him I didn't think that us seperating was going to help that I felt we should continue MC and try to work on our problems together. He still did not go, but I went by myself. The MC told me to tell my WH that he needed to make a decision of weather or not he wanted our marriage and if he did we then need to talk about what we both want from each other in order for us to get through this. And if my WH didn't respond then I would need to make a choice off wether or not I wanted to stay.
So when i got out of MC I caslled my WH and asked that he meet me at home. When he arrived I told him what the MC said and he said he felt confused and he felt that things were never going to change between us. I told him that I loved him and wanted to work on our M. That I have made mistakes and I have not lived up to my responsibilities as a W.
I then asked him straight out do you want this marriage? Do you want to work on this?
He then said No, if things are going to be like this.
I unfortunitly was very upset and then said to him; Well I guess thats your decission. I just don't think you love me anymore, just say it. he then said he did and that he just didn't know what else to say. I then went into the bedroom and he just left.
I was so upset I totally lost control, I thought I was going to have a panic attack I couldn't breath and I had to call my mother to come over. She thought she was going to have to call 911.
At that point I felt that the M was over i felt that it was hopeless. After I calmed down and spent the rest of the day on the couch. My WH called me towards the end of the day to let me know he was coming home early from work.
I couldn't believe it, he acted like nothing had happened. I told him that I felt like we need some time apart, since that is what he had told me earlier that morning.
I asked him to stay at his sisters until he could tell me what he wanted to do with our M. I told him that I felt to upset and that I thought we were making things worse by being together. He was not happy and he made some rude remarks but he went.
So now three days have passed and that night he came to get some clothes ( I wasn't here) he left me a note saying:
I can't believe this is happening,
I never thought we would be here.
Things seem so simple, but yet they feel
so hard. I do love you and I am in love with you.
I was suprised by the note, it did give me some hope.
So like I was saying it has been 3 days and today he called me to ask if he could get some more clothes for the rest of the week. He asked me to tell him when I wasn't going to be home. (frown) I told him he could come tonight I wasn't going to be home this evening. He said he just felt so distant and that he didn't understand why he was feeling that way. He said he felt like nothing was going to change.
So is this part of the "fog"?

Since we are seperated should I be giving and try to be loving? or Should I wait and let him come around?

I know that the MB site says that even is one spouse doesn't want the M sometimes the other spouse can turn things around my eliminating all LB and maintaning the POJA.
He is suppose to come over tonight to get clothes, should I leave him a note or just lay low for now.
I feel like I want to go after him and beg but I know it will just run him off. I know he needs time to thinks but it is so hard to stay away from him.
I don't know how I am going to last another week, it has only been 3 days and I feel like I'm going to die.
I feel ike I only have a small window here before our M might slip away.
I hope someone can give me some advice I feel like I have hit bottom and I have no where to go.
Please help