I'm new to this so be patient!! I found out a little over a week ago that my husband of 5 1/2 years met OW and has had sex with her more than once.

He told me he loves me, he doesn't love her but maybe could. Then told me he wanted a divorce. I was numb, as I'm sure you all know. I tried talking to him, asking him to just give us some time. At first, he was adamant, "no". Then came the flip-flopping. He said he would give me 6 months but that he would continue to see OW if he wanted to.

I didn't react like I thought I would! I was numb, in shock. We had, I thought, a decent marriage. The last few months, there's been a lack of sex. Husband travels during the week and is only home weekends - I'm left with the 2 small kids and by the time he gets home, I want to get OUT! No babysitter, no job, nowhere for me to just get away.

Anyway, last Monday, Husband left for work, had about a 5 hour drive. When he left, I thought he was ready to divorce me. Later that day, he called me, wanting to talk. I was afraid to say anything, afraid I would say the wrong thing. I knew that if I begged him, it would only make things worse (I did not beg at all). Anyway, he called to tell me he still wanted a wife, me. I wanted to so much believe him!! He sent me a wonderful email. And we talked several times during that day. He cried, sobbed! I had never, ever seen or heard him cry. That tore my heart out.

The only thing I did ask of him is that he stop all contact with OW. He agreed, saying he would just tell her it was over, that it was a mistake...that he made his choice and that I was his choice.

I am so afraid to believe him! He came home on Thursday night, bringing me flowers and hugging me. He won't ask me to forgive him because he says he doesn't believe he's earned that right to ask yet.

I know in my heart that I can forgive him because I know the reason he sought out OW is because partially of me - I wasn't meeting his needs.

This past weekend, we spent a glorious day and a half together with NO kids! We talked. I am trying so hard to not bring up everything, there are things I want to know and at the same time, I don't want to know! It's the not knowing that is driving me crazy...

Wondering if he's thinking of her. He did tell me that OW still contacts him. I just told him he can't have things both ways, that he's not being fair to me! He says he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but what about mine?? I'm afraid to ask him any more questions. I don't want to push...but the things that run through my mind are driving me crazy!!

I just found this site tonight and have read a great bit. I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm changing my behavior to him. I'm being more affectionate, telling him I love him. But I don't want him to think I'm just doing these things so he won't leave me. The whole situation has truly been a wakeup call for me. I now know that we had drifted apart. I neglected him. But, he didn't TELL me these things until it was almost too late.

I trust him...to a point. What can I do now to get rid of all these crazy things in my head?? I get pictures in my mind of him being with OW, of him getting emails from her. Someone please tell me if I'm doing the right thing!!

I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I don't want to lose him! But I am realistic enough to know that I can survive without him.

Am I being normal??

Good Morning,

Yes, I think you are being normal. It takes time to regain trust and for the trauma of an A to go away.My FWS and I are about 8 months into recovery and I still have moments where the A is uppermost in my mind. They don't last long and they aren't frequent but they still happen.

I would suggest that you and your husband both read Surviving an Affair and then take the emotional needs questionaire.It will help both of you identify what you need from the marriage and each other.

Vaya con dios,
Gordon

I’m so new here and have my own problems to solve. However don’t ever say the affair was your fault. There might have been problems in your relationship but nothing justifies an affair. It’s just as much his fault for not confronting those issues and seeking solace outside your marriage. Blame giving or taking will not help you at all.

It’s not his privilege to say when he deserves to be forgiven. It’s your prerogative to forgive.

I have been in a situation where the problems seemed overwhelming. Very premature baby battling death. There I was forced to adapt a manner of thinking that has helped me a lot. Basically it goes this way: All your thoughts and actions must be beneficial towards reaching your goal. In your situation the goal is to improve the relationship (not save or keep but to improve it so this never happens again!). When you sink into black depressive thoughts you have to force yourself to say “this is not positive and not helping” and push them out. Believe me you can.

Yes, being paranoid and monitoring WH is normal and can be neccesary for recovery. I wish you the best in the rocky road ahead.

p.s. my baby survived 100% healthy after over 6 months in a prenatal ICU. The odds were worse than in a State Lottery but I really hit the jackpot there!

Thank you ktu136. When I'm alone it's the worst! Thank you for your encouragement and advice!

Thank you bigger!

I'm so happy for you and your baby. I lost a baby when I was much, much younger. She passed away at 3 weeks and is something I've never gotten over, although my beautiful girls I have now have helped some. The baby's birthday is October 8th so this time of year is always hard.

Please don't think I am condoning H's actions - I'm not. But I do believe I played a part in his thinking that's what he needed...from what I read on this site, realizing that he wasn't getting what he needed from me, that's what I meant.

Thank you for your words of encouragement - I do appreciate it! I just have no one I can really talk to. I'm 4 hours away from any family or friends and it's not something I want to do on the phone. Anyway, I think finding this site will help.

Continued good luck to you!

I still have more questions!! Am I doing the right thing? H says we drifted apart, that I no longer have passion for him. I am trying to change that. But it is hard. Right now my stomach is coiled up in knots. H has been acting like the man I married the last week, since he committed to me. I so much want to ask him if he's had any contact with OW. Should I? Dare I ask that??

I told him I wasn't going to demand that he stop talking to OW but I told him to really think about "me" and my feelings. Was that the right thing to do? The things I've been reading here say that I SHOULD demand it. I kind of feel like I need to just step back and give him a little bit of time, to not push or make any demands. I can't help the feeling that one of these days he's going to tell me he's changed his mind.

I told him my fears...I told him I'm scared! I have also evaluated how I truly feel about him. I know I love him, I just never realized how much.

He's working and won't be home until Thursday night. He sent me a nice email last night telling me he missed me already and couldn't wait to get home. Can I even hope to believe him? I think that's what bothers me the most...setting myself up for more hurt...that scares me the most. I so much want to believe him and I feel horrible for having doubts.

Thankfully, our girls are way too young to understand anything but they KNOW something has been going on.

I am trying so hard to calm my nerves, to try to stay busy and to not think so much...it's when I think that my mind goes crazy. My head tells me to try to relax and that whatever is going to happen will happen. My heart is filled with butterflies, wondering constantly if I can truly believe.

Any suggestions or should I head to the nearest shrink??

He should make a 100% commitment to you. That includes a NC clause with the OW. Wait for advice from the older more experienced people here. Just can’t stand to know you are waiting for some response here!

Possibly you need a shrink. More likely your relationship needs a marriage counselor. Going without your husband to therapy would be like my grandpa going to the dentist without his dentures. If you have a good friend/sister/mother consider telling them. It’s always better to speak to someone.

First, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry that you have found yourself here, but you will find so much help and support here. Please come here often.

If you have read everything on this site...then you should already know that you need to ask for no contact. It is NOT an option. I also almost let my H stay friends with the OW, b/c I could see that he really valued her friendship at the time...but I am so glad that I said no contact...I think this site has it right on the money...it makes the WS step back and slowly see the person as he/she really is.

You also need to demand that he become an open book. I was a little different than what this site says. I did Plan A...but it was modified. I never cared if he saw my hurt or if I love busted him in the beginning...and luckily he felt like he deserved it. I yelled, screamed, cried, and even hit him once. I am not proud of this fact, but am glad that he saw the pain that I had. I am glad that I allowed him into my ******....it made things better in the end. However, if your spouse is not in that place...then be careful what you say. You DO need to set boundries and stick to them. Tell him that you want all his email account passwords and all cell phone/phone bill records every month. If necessary look these things up online. From what you have written I question whether he has really done the No Contact thing. Make him call her in front of you...and make him tell her in no uncertain terms that YOU are his choice...he does not necessarily have to be mean and nasty...but he might. Tell him that your feelings come over hers...if she gets hurt...oh well.

Also, he must tell you ANYTHING that you want to know about the affair. I know almost everything...at least I think. I have asked the very tough questions and sometimes regreted it, but other times have learned a lot about why he had an affair with the woman he did. And, I also learned how the OW met some of the emotional needs better than I did. I know they will tel you on here that it was a fantasy...but I know that she did some things that made him fall for her...and I wanted to know what. SOmetimes, that has made me feel worse...so be careful what you ask...be sure you can handle it.

You also need to get into MC. If he refuses...that tells you something. Statistics say that if a couple does not go the marriage is more likely to fail. Ask him if he is willing to do ANYTHING to save the marriage. For recovery to work, both spouses have to be willing to put about 200% into the marriage. For me, if my H had not agreed to every demand that I asked...he would be gone. If he felt that she was better or more important...why would I want him???

Whatever you do...DO NOT BEG, PLEAD, or become a doormat. You plan A and change some of those love busting behaviors...but do it to improve things not so that he can have his cake and eat it to. Love him, but do not be afraid to let him know what he did to you is the worst possible thing that he could have done. You are hurt and I do not think pretending that you are not helps anything. It was not until my H saw how much pain I was really in, did he understand exactly how evil the affair was.

Also, this takes LOTS of time....it could take up to 2 years. I am in the 10th month, and have good days and bad days. It is just recently that I am beginning to see that I am holding on to some of the pain...and I need to start letting go. I still agonize over the fact that my specialness was replaced by a woman who was below me in every way except beauty and lying. I am finally realizing that it really had very little to do with her, and more with how my H felt about himself. Your spouse will tell you all sorts of things about how you did not do this or that, b/c it justifies the affair in his mind...and makes what he did less evil. But, don't buy it...you may have not met his emotionals needs...but that does not justify it at all...and I am sure when you look at it...you probably had less emotional needs being met than him.

One last thing...this is YOUR recovery...you need to find what works for you and your H. I have found reading as much as I can, and then applying certain things helps more than anything. I do not like everything on this site, and really believe that the WS should give up every right that he/she has...it makes a huge difference for me. Some people think that is wrong(especially the WS), but I know in my situation...it helps. For you, it might not...I hope you find things that do.

Take care, read as much as you can, post as much as you can, and stay as strong as you can. The General Questions board has more "pros" on there...so you may want to post over there. I wish you the best of luck.

True

My story is simular to yours in the not meeting EN's. My M to my FWW was really bad for a couple years before her A. The writting was on the wall and I choose not to read it. This does not justify an A though.

We are a little over 8 months since D-Day and NC. The thoughts you want to go away are still strong at times in my head. I was told the 8 month to 1yr from D-Day are the worst...(also can't help I am turning 40 this Friday).

Right after D-Day the thoughts were all consuming. Now I get periods where I am in a major funk. But there are many days where things couldn't be better.

In an nut shell. You husband has to we willing to do anything that it takes to help heal the damage he did. He has to be 100% honest with what he is doing at all time. No secrets between ether of you. You also have to become a better spouse. The M has to be a 50/50 union with both of you working your asses off to make it better.

Good luck. Things do get better as long as you BOTH work at it.

Kiki:

I am glad that you found this site. It has probably helped me save my marriage as much as any other resources that I have including MC, IC and a now very loving but once wandering wife.

I am not a professional counseler and don't want to try and replace one as I believe that MC and IC are absolutely necessary to work through these issues. Your situation is a little different than mine. I didn't find out for more than 10 years after the A had ended and unfortunately the guilt of my FWW and my suspiscion that something terribly wrong had happened in our marriage left a lot of additional emotional scars for both of us.

However, when I could no longer live like we were living I confronted my FWW and told her that if we were going to make our M work we both had to be committed and we had to both adopt a policy of radical honesty. This meant getting to the bottom of anything that had been brewing for a long time...i.e. the A and the lies and deception that follows that event.

Although my wife did come forward and tell me about the A, she did not tell me the whole story. I found out the rest of the information about two weeks after D-Day. I was seeing an IC and began on AD's. Best thing that ever happened for me. My depression was a long term thing, fairly mild but certainly contributed to my not being able to meet my wifes EN which in turn led to the A.

My FWW has told me everything that I have asked her. I agree with the other posters that you have to be careful what you wish for but when I didn't know things I imagined them trying to fill in the blanks. The pain that a BS feels is not just emotional, it is physical as well. When I would think about the A and what I didn't know it would cause my guts to feel like they were being pulled out.

After we started our recovery and my wife realized why that I needed to know more of the details, she has been there every step of the way, been completely honest and know even asks if I need to talk about something when she can tell if I am thinking about something. At first, I had held back asking certain things in order to keep her from feeling additional guilt. Now we just get it out in the open, talk about it until each is done and move forward. Today was the first day that I went the entire day without even feeling any of the pain. Yesterday was a bad day followed by a good conversation last night which eased my feelings.

I would suggest the following:

1) Build up each of your love bank while assuring your WH that you will do anything you can to work through this and hope that he has the committment.

2) Tell him constantly that it will take time to rebuild the trust in your relationship and until that trust is back that it will be necessary for both of you to be able to comminicate openly and honestly about whatever is on your mind.

3) Spend as much time together as you can where each of you give the other undivided attention.

4) When the love bank is full, tell your WH that in order for both of you to work through this, you have to have some details so that you can begin to understand why this happened and make sure that both of you change to prevent it from happening again. Move slowly on this request because he will get very defensive. Tell him that you will give him time, but need to get this out in the open as soon as possible. Tell him that he should not withhold information trying to protect you and keep you from pain. He has already caused the pain, you have given him the chance to work through it and he has to be willing to work with you including full disclosure (as much as you want) regardless of how much it will hurt him to tell you and how much it may hurt you to hear. (This is much better after about a week of AD's anti-depressants). When he does open up to you, make sure you are not judgemental, that will make him withdrawal again and possible even break NC. If he is honest with you, thank him for his honesty and remind him that although this is the worst pain you have ever gone through that you know he is hurting as well and that in the long run you can build a M that is much stronger and more fulfilling that you could have ever realized before the A.

4) The Wonderings gave me some good advice once. Don't work on forgiveness right away. Start with acceptance. Tell your WH that you have accepted what has happened and what each of you could have done to prevent it. Tell him that with time, undivided attention, fulfilling EN and radical honesty that forgiveness will happen when all the issues are resolved.

5) Be very careful about getting into the really lurid details. They are irrelevant. I wanted to know some of them because I wanted what the OM had. After I found out what I wanted to know, I realize that I have far more now than he ever had and what he had was a fantasy for both. Their fantasy could only last as long as both of them could keep their secrets and live with their guilt. I have a really good reality that I will get to enjoy for the rest of my life and set an example for all other married couples of how happy a M can be.

My FWW and I are strongly recovering, madly in love maybe moreso than even when we were first married and we know we cannot change what has happened in the past. But we can continue to make sure that each of us finishes our lives as the most happily married couple in the world (despite, even maybe because the A happened). I know that there will be more down days for a long time. I have forgiven but I have not forgot. I travel long distances by myself and this is the toughest time. But I know when I get home my W will be there waiting for me and ready to offer any help, encouragement or answer any questions that I have. It took a while to reach this point but once we started talking about the details that I needed to know for me to process everything and the thoughts to occur less frequently. The surprising thing that we found was that as I asked those questions, it was a tremendous therapy for my wife as well. She got to get rid of all her deep dark secrets and now she can live without the fear and guilt that has robbed both of us for a long time.

Good luck and keep coming here. If both of you are committed, it will work.

Me (BS) 41
FWW 39
PA 3/94 to 11/94
NC since at least 1995
OMW knew about A in 1996
D-Day August 26, 2005
Strongly recovering as a happily married couple