Brandi, my best suggestion is to start your own thread. You may also want to check out the InRecovery board for help.

SSG, how are you today?

I am ok today. Been out all day. Trying to get caught up with the posts.
Dorry, You had asked if I have shown my husbands the changes and if we talk. Showing him anything is impossible right now because he is still overseas. He is due here soon to see the kids, but I am not going to try to prove to him that I have made changes in myself. I don't really think he will see it even if I do. We talk off and on, but it really doesnt help at all. I just try to keep him up to date on our boys and he knows how I feel so telling him wont help.
I know I just need to work on myself. I really want to be the person God wants me to be. I know I can be that person. God HAS to come first in my life.
Your posts are helping me see what I still need work on and also its really good to talk with others that have been there. Thanks all.

You are right - you can't prove to him you have made changes - he has to be able to see them - and if you really have made them - he will see them over time.

I guess my question is have you ever told him that it isn't his fault - that he didn't fail in the marriage. That it was nothing he did that made you have the A. Sure you guys both contributed to the place that allowed you to be entitlistic - but ultimately it was nothing HE did that allowed you to have an affair - it was your own doing, and there is no reason in the world that makes it okay. Does he know you know this?

You are right to concentrate on yourself. You can't control if your husband comes home or not, or if he changes or not - all you can do is with God's help, change and better yourself - and this is a lifetime commitment, as no one is perfect <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And you are right - to make these changes God does have to be first in your life. God is so happy that you want to be who he created you to be and he will help you if you let him.

Hi Dorry,
I have told my husband early on that it wasn't his fault. I really believe that. Unfortunatly I did try to blame him at one point. I know that he is not to blame. We had our problems, but what I did was my choice. I have done so many things wrong in all this. I didn't handle things like I should have. I let my emotions get the best of me and in doing that I have said some things and done some things that hurt any chance of recovery with him. I never want to put that pain on anyones heart again (ANYONES).

hey - I did it too - I blamed my husband for a bit - I put all my emotions on him too - it's a learning process and it's not fast...it takes time - I find that on average the FWW's here including myself tend to follow a pattern...at about 1-2 months post they start to realize they are responsible for the A, but still blame a bit on the condition of the marriage and no longer just the H, then at about 4-6 months post they start to realize there is more to it and start the journey of really uncovering what in them allowed them to do it, then it's usually sometime between 6 months and a year before they have finally OWNED their affair, and it's years as the changes implement, and the changes of course keep comng over a life time - God keeps them coming as we will never be perfect.

i could be wrong - but it's a pattern I notice in remorseful FWW who have finally come out of withdrawel and start their journey....So it's a work in progress - you made mistakes early in recovery - but no one is perfect - keep changing now and keep trying!!!

Thank you so much for the encouragment!! I sure need it. Its been about 5 months since DDay. I know I still have a long way to go. You have all given me alot to think about. Thank you!

Any good scripture any of you want to share? I was reading about stumbling blocks and am looking for something else to study now. My bible study class is studing a book called What About The Women? We talked alot the last couple of weeks about the role of the wife. It was really interesting as well as sad for me because I would love to be that wife that God intended me to be. I am enjoying that class even though it is hard sometimes.

bump

How are you doing SSG?

I was wondering the same thing. SSG? You ok?

Hi Dorry and FF
I am ok. Have been busy with life in general and have been doing some soul searching. You were right about this being hard. I know there is things that I need to work on for me. I have made some progress in a few things and it has made life better. Everyday is a struggle with my emotions, but I just really keep busy and it helps. Just have to get past the feelings I wake up in the morning with. I am ok. Thanks for asking. Means alot to know you two were thinking about me.

SSG, it may help you think of it in this way...you need to getthrough it, there is no shortcut around it. It helps in the healing process to keep that in mind. When you burden is too great put it at the feet of God. Let Him have that burden. He will gladly take it from you.

How are your kids?

I know I will get past these feeling I have in the mornings. Think I dream alot about the situation I am in and then I end up waking up a little uneasy. Guess it comes with all that is going on.
I know the strength I do feel is only because I know God is there to take the burden away. I couldnt make it through this without Christ!
My kids are great! Both the boys that are still at home are doing very well at school. I am really proud of them. Their Dad is coming home for a visit soon too and they are both excited about it. Our older son is coming home for a visit soon too and I couldn't be more excited about seeing him. I miss him ALOT!

Hold on to this and be the best mom you can be and the best example to them as someone who's character has been transformed by Christ. This is an opportunity for you to model Christ's love and forgiveness. I hope the visit with your husband goes well too. I will look up some scripture for you this weekend. I have some in my old notes for when my H first found out about my A. {{SSG}}

Thanks FF. My kids are the best of me. Thats for sure. I am very proud of them. They turned out pretty well if I do say so myself!! We have had our difficulties, but they did turn out to be good kids. Our middle child was always a challenge. From the time he was born he was a handful. Now he is a senior in high school and preparing to go into the military. We hope AirForce, but he was talking Marines for the longest time. My older son lives away but is working full time and is just a sweet spirit. He has always had the best sense of humor and always fun to be around. I know people from church are always asking about him and cant wait for him to visit too. Our youngest is 6 and such a wonderful little guy! He is such a joy. He enjoys all the normal things 6 yr olds like. He came to us at a time when my H and I were starting to talk about what we were going to do since the other two boys were getting old enough to take care of themselves and werent needing us as much. They were 12 and 13 when Ryan came along. Needlessly to say but our 6 yr old was a big suprise to us, but the best surprise God could have given us. I look back on those times when he was a baby and I see how happy my H was then. I have thanked my H lots of times as of lately for our Ryan. We are both totally proud of our boys and love them dearly! Can you tell!??
I will look forward to getting those scriptures FF.

I can tell your boys are a joy and blessing to you. My youngest was a surprise as well.

hi SSG

just passing today but just wanted to let you know that you should not give up. I blamed my H for the death of one of our children - rubbish but I guess I had to blame 'someone' - and we got through and over that and my A.
I wouldn't say its all solved, that may be years away BUT we have 3 kids here - 2 who are adults and we have a new baby little Mikey who is a absolute joy to us.
Not planned at all ...lol

So just know that if something like what I did can be forgiven then so can what you said and did if he is willing to do so one day.

I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

God bless

AW

Thanks AW,
keep the prayers coming we are in need of them

Not doing too good today. Feel like I took a step backwords today. Need prayers to work through things that I am feeling right now. I just pray that God will use this horrible experience that we have all gone through to better us. All things are possible through Christ, right?

SSG, what is going on that you feel like you took a step back?

Talking to my husband today. I fight everyday not to feel like this worthless horrible person that I know I am not. What I did was a terrible thing and it hurt the people I love very much. Wish I could take it all away. I know I just have to work on me and not let what he says tear me down, but it is hard. Am I wrong to be feeling this way? Do I deserve to be told that I will never change and the last 19years were for nothing? How can I better myself when I feel worthless?