Well folks, we're on the road to recovery. Or should I say a fresh start. I don't want to recover all the faults that made this marriage what it was.

It's not been easy and I'm a bit confused but I knew it wasn't going to be so I am a bit prepared.

She still hasn't moved back in yet. She is going to though, probably Sunday or next tue is the plan. She still isn't wearing her wedding rings, she says it's because she feels so guilty about the affair and don't feel worthy to wear it. She is beating herself up about it. She is a little distant, I can tell. She doesn't show her affection well at all. I'm trying not to force her, just waiting it out. She told me today that she still don't know who she is but she's working on it. I'm not sure what to expect. The OM is out of the pic completley, she is disgusted by him. I just need to help her fall back in love with me. I sent her some flowers today with a card saying, "I know who you are. I love who you are. Please don't push me away, pull me closer. I love you and I am here for you, always." I sent her daisys, they are her favorite.

So what should I expect in the coming weeks? How cna I try and win that love back, that woman who would have to be pushed off me to let me go from an embrace? How can I get that sexual drive going again? I still see that woman inside there, I just need to lure her back out.

You must maintain Plan A. Keep trying to attract her back to the marriage and to the extent possible do not expect or demand that she meet your needs for a few weeks or say a month. You can not fix this overnight and if you try you will likely pressure her to much. Try to listen as much as possible. Stick to small talk, ask questions and listen like you have never listen before. Work on the premise that you want to know all about her. She may have felt like you were never listening before, so this new listening thing will really go a long way in demonstrating & proving you have changed. Indicate you want to break down those barriers to intimacy that existed in your marriage and you want to get to know the real complete woman inside. Share your innermost self with her but do not beat her up with any emotional baggage from the affair. That can and will be addressed by you two after withdrawal and later in recovery. When she pushes into how you felt give her a pass for now and let her know it will be safe to talk about that later in recovery. Right now you are glad she is back and for now just want to support her.

Read His Needs/Her Needs. Discuss it. Fill out the Emotional Needs Questionairre available for print on this website. Discuss it.

Show affection and admiration without need for SF. Sometimes SF comes back quickly in the first few weeks other times it takes time. Either way, it may be awkward at first. Try to let it happen naturally through meeting her needs for conversation first. Once she has set aside completely her justifications and rationalizations she will realize how much she is loved by you and SF will become fantastic. So have patience.

Encourage her to see a doctor to get on AD if withdrawal is overwhelming her.

Try to mix in some fun. Plan some fun activities even if it just involves going to the park or whatever. Do not forget to arrange 15-25 hours a week of alone time with her. Date your wife, let her sister babysit.

Finally, IMO, consider making amends with her family. Letting WW know that if she stays the course and recommits to the marriage both of your relationships with her family will be better and stronger that ever before.

ACT

Well I think we had a relapse. At least I have.

I drove past her job and the OM's car was there. So I swung by her job and went in ready to kill maim and destroy. My wife just stood there and I marched over to where the OM was sitting and one of my wifes co-workers stepped in front of me and said he was talking to her not my wife. My wife works for a Verizon Wireless and he said he was having phone problems. Yeah right. So I asked my wife to walk outside with me. Now as far as I know they have had no contact till he showed up, we had our cell #s changed and I know he hasn't called her and she hasn't called him on her phone. That don't mean she hasn't used her work phone. Plus she still don't live with me she still lives at her sisters. Nice way to recover, 30 miles apart. Anyway, I asked her what he was doing there and she said she had nothing to do with him and that it was over, that she didn't know why he was there. She said she wanted nothing to do with him ever and she was going to tell him that. She also said she still felt lost and didn't know who she was and was trying to figure us out. Not sure what she means by that. Her co-worker comes outside and asks my wife to come back inside and told me that the OM was leaving and not coming back. After I leave I break down. And hard. My emotions over run and I can't move, can't think can't do anything. I get a txt msg from her that says "He is gone & 4 good." I don't respond, what am I to say? What is she is telling the truth? She txt's me later and says ,"R u not talking 2 me?" To which I responded, "I love my family." She is supposed to pick me up from work tonight and I'll ask what exactly took place at her job with him. She can't lie to me face to face, never could. I'm doing what I can. My mind feels fragile, not having my family here at home is killing me. Seeing him there about done it. My wife won't even spend the night with me, says she's not ready. I'm not asking for sex, I'm not asking her to jump back in like nothing went wrong. I've told her that over and over. What am I doing wrong? Where do I go from here? I want my wife and son back.

This all sounds like the normal aches and pains of recovery to me. At least from what I've seen with my WW.

She is supporting you and reassuring you of her commitment to you. Don't take that for granted. My WW couldn't even say anything positive about us for two months, even though we were trying to stay together.

Her needing to 'find out who she is' (or whatever she said to you) is normal in my opinion. She did something she probably never thought she'd do (have an affair). She hurt you and your son. She let her emotions control her actions and she did things that are now eating away at her. She is going through withdrawal. Anyone would feel lost after going through all that.

Give it time. Dont stop plan A, even though you'll feel like it's now safe to release some of your anger and pain on her, don't do it. Once she's been in the calm waters for a while you'll know when it's time to address those issues.

She'll find herself again, and it most likely will be with you at her side.

I'm sorry for your pain. What a difficult thing to fall upon. Sometimes it seems like were as obsessed as the adulterers.

I hope things turn around for you and your spouse.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Hearbreak

I have questions ....

on one of your first threads you said

"My wife's parents hate me. They always have."

"hate" is a very intense and strong emotion ... usually reserved for the most noxious stuff

Questions:

1. What reasons do her parents give for hating you?

2. Are there things from your past that might give her parents good cause to hate you?

3. What have you done to make amends with her parents? (if possible)

It seems to me that one of the things you could do to draw her back to you might be to make peace with her parents.

What say you?

Her sister has raised her most of her life and controlled her life. When I say control I mean CONTROL. What she did, ate, anything, she controlled it all. Her dad passed away the year before I met her. As soon as she fell in love with me they hated me. First her sister then her her sister got her mom and grandma to hate me. Her sister runs that family. They never gave me a chance to show them anything so when I did do something bad they hated me even more. My wife as an affair and I'm the bad guy. I can't win for losing. So no there is no chance to ever get on thier good side. Well unless I die, that would make them happy.

Why do we have to suffer for our love? Why do we have to die everyday for them? Sad part is, if it takes dieing everyday for her I will. I love her that much. Sure, we are not perfect, I've made mistakes but I've learned and grown and changed. I'm not doing anything wrong for once in my life and still I pay for her and my sins. Why? What am I doing wrong?

So, you are saying you married a woman who is, herself, very weak-willed.


So, you are saying they hated you for no reason. Correct? This makes them crazy. So you are saying you married into a crazy family knowing which way the wind blows. Right?

She WAS weak willed. When I met her she was very weak willed and had very low self esteem. Over the years I help her with that, giving her confidence and support, wanting her to make her own choices. That's one of the reasons they hated me, for empowering her. But I neglected my wife for a while before the affair. And that's what led up to that.

As for her family being crazy, probably. But she's not like them thank god, she is just influenced by them sometimes and that's something we need to work on as well.

As for the OM being at her job today, well he won't be coming back ever again. She put an end to it today. Seems he wasn't invited. And because I barged in there the way I did I probably wore out my welcome for a bit myself. Gotta keep those emotions in control.

We talked tonight and she gave me the "I feel lost" and "I don't know what makes me happy but I do want to be happy" speech. I got my copy of "Surviving an Affair" today and am reading it. I hope it helps. She wants to read it when I'm done.I just want to do the right thing and win my wife back. I just want to be a family, the right way this time.

I'm reading "Surviving an Affair" and it suggests that during withdrawl, which is what I think my wife is going through, that you should spend as much time as possible. Well that's a problem because she lives 30 miles away and we get to see ach other 10 or 15 min in the mornings and maybe 30min to an hour at night. So how can I convince her to come back home? I've changed my ways, everyone in my family can see it, my freinds can see it. She says she is afraid of who I use to be and that I will go back to being him. How will she ever know if she don't come home and see me full time? I'm going crazy, literally. I'm having my own withdrawls. From my wife and son. I know not to make demands or anything like that but I'm afraid of the out of sight out of mind thing. I'm also afraid of pushing her. So what do I do? Where do I go from here?

On Sept 22nd my wife left me and moved out to her sisters because of an affair, she took with her our son. From his home. Don't sound right to me. Well about 2 weeks ago I asked her fi I could have him for a week and she take him for a week and she said sure. I call her this morning to tell her that I'm coming to get him tommorow and for her to pack his stuff for a week to stay with me and she was hestitant. It seems she is afraid I'm going to take him away from her. Which I'm not going to do. Her sister has convinved her that me and my mom and sister are going to stop her from seeing him. None of us would do that, it just goes to show what kind of influence her sister has over her. I don't know what to do. I'm going to get him for the week, she can't stop me from doing that and I doubt she will. I just hope she will have more faith when shes sees I'm not trying to take anything from her, I'm trying to give her something, a husband and a father. That's what I'm trying to give and trying to be.

It's hard to convince someone your not one thing when her family is telling her something else. I'm not sure how to combat this situation. I don' want to step on toes because I love and cherish my wife. I don't care that she hurt me, I'm over that. I just want to move forawrd, with my family.

Don't tell her, ask her:

WS: I am afraid if you take our son for a week, he won't come back.

BS: Why? Is there a reason why he needs to be kept from his mother?

Put the burden of explanation on her. That will require she think and start using her brain for her answers.

She is depending on you and others to make her decisions for her. Whether her sister is manipulating her or not, your W expects others t/d the same.

Don't fall for that trap.

L.

Well got some good news.

Son is here for the week and wife is moving back home sunday. We had a marvelous day yesterday. We filled out the LBs and EN questionarre and learned alot about each other. She took the "Surviving an Affair" book and is now reading it. We watched a movie together, "The Notebook", you gotta see it if you like love stories. We even made love for the first time in months, it was great. I feel we are really on the road to recovery. She finally is starting to see the real me and not the man I use to be. She understands the forgivness I have for her. As far as our marriage goes, things are looking good.

Thank you everyone.

Alot has happaned since I last posted. I found out she was still in contact with him. I was devastated. That was the 18th I found that out so we talked and cried and she wrote a NC letter that night and I took it to his job which is next door to my house,(which I'll get to later), and stuck it on his car. The very next night she moves back in. This was just last Wed. And Thursday morning I find out he contacted her at work on a phone she had gotten from work. She works for Verizon. There my world goes again. I never once LB'ed. Not once. I've done everything right. So far she has had no contact with him. We changed phones and got rid of her extra one. She promised to call if he shows up at work. I think everything will be fine if she can maintain NC.

So in order to do that what must I do? He works at the small ambulance service next door to my house. My wife works for Verizon where he pays his cell phone bill. How do I stop contact? I love my wife very much, I love my son, this is MY family and I've gone through ****** to get this far and I will go to any length to keep it together. If she has to quit her job, we have to move, whatever it takes I'm willing to do it. She knows she has to never contact him again for this to work. I just don't know what to do. I just want to pack up and get the ****** out of here if I could afford it.But why should I have to uproot my family because of someone else? I may not know what to do but I do know how I feel and what I'm willing to do.

What do you guys think?

76'er

Man...how often does OM have to pay his cell phone bill???

Options:

Have wife seek another employment opportunity. She doesn't need to quit as that will impact your family income and I know this affair has set you back some. If OM comes into her workplace she must agree to leave the counter and have someone else serve him. Within say 1 or 2 months she should have found another job.

Perhaps getting a retraining order against him is an option. It sounded like everyone else in town has one so why not the two of you. The judge can order him to mail in his cell phone payments like most other normal customers.

Get him to move on...OM has burned bridges everywhere he has lived/worked and is accustomed to finding greener pastures where his reputation is unknown. You, behind your wife's back (you can be honest later in or after recovery), should keep the pressure on him to get out of dodge. He should go eventually so you do not have to.

Explore options to leave town. Maybe you can seek out a dream job somewhere up the road a bit. It does not have to be today but sometime next spring. As long as he works next door to your home you can never be comfortable there so I just advise beginning the process of moving by setting up a timetable and putting your resume out there. Do not just sit back a wait for the circumstances to change around you.

Can Verizon transfer her to another payment center???



Glad to hear she is back home and working on things. Have patience with withdrawal and recovery. My wife had several lapses in "No Contact" that she initiated. Your wife did not initiate the last call so do not overreact. Discuss and have a plan for such contact as advised and let her know you need/want to be informed immediately if she sees or talks to him. That is how she can re-establish trust in your relationship. Stay the course. Inspect what you expect. It takes time.

Good Luck,
Mr. Wondering

It's going to be tough, I have to work today and she has the day off and he is working today. She will be alone till 3 today with him right next door. It's kills me to know that. After she broke my trust so many times I am so scared. I'd never wish this stress and pain of an affair anyone.....except maybe the OM. I hope I make it through the day without going nuts. I pray she doesn't contact him, he had better pray he don't contact her.

On another note. We made love this morning in the shower and it felt different, her kisses were not as passionate. It felt like she did it just because I wanted to. She's never done that before. Just got me thinking is all. Could be the withdrawl, I don't know.

Your dead on the money. It is the withdrawal and missing the way she feels about herself with him. Especially in comparison to the guilt she feels with you. Perhaps it is a function of knowing it is back with ho-hum husband who she believes or questions whether she has any passion for anymore. The shower was a good idea. Spice things up and try to meet her needs to feel "passion" anew in your sexual and emotional relationship. It is not you right now that is making things "weird" so I suggest not multiplying the "weirdness" by dwelling on it or talking about it. You'll likely only get "fogged out" statements about how she worris she'll never feel passionate with you again. She will. Try to perform with a renewed confidence (put your mind at ease) and just keep doing it. Wait a few weeks to talk about it when she is out of withdrawal and beginning to appreciate you for sticking by her side.

Mr. Wondering

She told me that she is goes through these ups and downs and I belive her. As in some days she is showing affection, she makes loves like we use to and it makes me realize what things can and will be like. Other times, which is most of the time, she is distant, and closed up. I asked her if she is ever tempted to call OM and she says yeah sometimes and I asked what she would say and she told me that she sometimes feels like she needs to tell him she's sorry. I guess for hurting him by going back to me. Like I care about his feelings. I didn't tell her that though. Also she sometimes feels like I am controlling her. I had her exchange phones, that way if he calls he will call me and not her. I'm not so worried about her calling him, it's him calling her that I worry about. Plus I ask her where she is going and what she was doing and what time she did it and wanting her to account for her time. Is that controlling or is it something else? I like to think I'm protecting my family. Taking away any option he has of contacting her one by one. I think the more time and space I put between her and him will make her come around to me all that much faster. I hope she looks back on this and thanks me for all I'm doing. So how do I convince her all I'm trying to do is for the best and not an attempt to control her? Her familys tried to control her for the past 25 years and I don't want to be like them. Of course when she don't do what they say they insult her and threaten her. I'm not like that.

I just love my wife. I will do whatever I can to get this marriage to a better place. And thank you all again for all you've done.

We had a talk tonight. Not sure how to take it.

Ok here's what transpired. Today was a good day. She was affectionate, careing, we made love and it was great. Sounds good so far.

Now her friend, a co-worker wants her to come over after work and she lives one town over, 7 miles away and get her hair done. Sounds harmless enough, But this friend also happened to support her A and was friends w/ OM. In fact WW had sex with OM at her house. So I told my FWW that I was uncomfortable with her going over there because of all that transpired. A trigger for me I guess. And she got mad and said I was controlling her. I asked her to see it from my point of view and she said she understood but got angry. Ok that was the first disagreement. Here is number 2.

We changed phones. She has mine I have hers. That way he can't contact her. I'm not worried about her contacting him but the other way around. She can still call whoever she wants so how am I controlling her? Yet that is her claim. I'm at a loss on that one.

Now I asked her to stand up to her family, her sister in particular. She was staying with her sis during the A and when she moved out last week her sis said some mean stuff. Wouldn't let me on the property and what not. So I asked my wife to not go back till they allowed me back on the property. My case being that I wouldn't go anywhere my wifes wasn't allowed to go. Fi she can't go somewhere I'm not going, if they don't allow her then I'm not going. I feel she should do the same. Stand up for me. Say, "Hey, this is my husband, he's bending over backwards for me and if you won't allow him in your home then neither is our me or our son. we are a family, accept it or not." Am I wrong? Am I doing something wrong? I need advice, I need help, I feel like I'm doing this by myself.

Anyone got any advice?