Hi,

This is my first time writing here, I'm kinda nervous and don't really know how to tell my story.
Me and my H had some issues before he left to Iraq, so it was easy for me to fall out of love with him and to build a big and strong wall, so that I don't get hurt. After 5-6 month I met a guy who helped me through my family and marriage problems, but also created more. After getting to know him better. I started having feelings for him, until my H came back from Iraq for R&R.Then I broke the contact totally off. Now me and my H working on to fix our marriage, but we only make baby steps and now he is in Iraq again for another 4 months. Could anybody give me some advice how I can love my H again like a wife does it?

Hi renee,

Welcome to MB!! Read up on as much info on this site as you can. Are you ray's wife??

Hi renee - you must stay away from the Om - this will increase your love for your H. Right now your H needs you more than anything. Now think about this would you really be happy with someone you could not trust that would have an A with someone who is M ? Open your eyes take your rose colored glasses off. When people live together life comes in the door. We all have issues but M is sticking together and working on things as a team. You have ups and downs but your M becomes stronger over the years. I might suggest getting the books HN/Hn and SAA. They will relaly help you. Can you e-mail your H in Iraq? Stay in contact with him daily. Not feeling yself today - I will ck back later.

hey, this is my wifes post. She expressed semi-suicidal thoughts in an e-mail she sent me last night (i posted the e-mail in my post). Im really worried about her. I called, but no answer. Im gonna call again. Please talk to her and let her know she doesn't have to do this alone.

Renee,

I would highly recommend the book "Meine Wünsche, Deine Wünsche" from Willard F. Harley. I think that you will find that it will give you hope for a bright new future, a better marriage than you ever thought possible if only you and your husband will commit to making it happen. You can read the book together and discuss it chapter by chapter with your husband, then at the end you should each fill out the questionaire for each other and discuss each point.
http://www.amazon.de/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/ref=sr_sp_go_qs/302-8410941-8953620


Whatever you do, protect your vulnerabilities towards other men! Cut off ALL contact with the OM.

Hi Renee,

I replied to your H's thread... Please try and find a good, pro-marriage marriage counselor and start going right now. Read the articles here on the MB site and post with any questions that you have. there are lots of wonderful FWWs that have been where you are right now and have rebuilt their marriages.

Semper Fi,
RIF

still trying to get her onto this site. bumping her post back up.

bumping my wifes post to get her more active in the forums...

Hey Ray and Renee,

Renee, it must be very difficult for you to try to reconnect when he's so far away. The fact that he is in a dangerous situation must be very hard to live with.

I appreciate your service to my country, Ray. You are an ordinary hero.

Renee, do you believe your husband deserves your love and admiration? Do you think you have his love and admiration?

I'm wondering if you can start writing him letters every day, as a show of your commitment to him and your marriage. Dr. Phil, in his book, Relationship Rescue, noted how you can "behave your way to success". It's true, you really can. The way to find your love for your husband again is to start treating him as you would the love of your life. Shortly your heart will follow. When he writes love letters back to you, you will be thrilled, it is very romantic to exchange love letters.

Please don't let other people interfere with your marriage again.

That's what I would do if I were you. Stay in touch, it's not easy to recover but there are many here to help.

Swords

Renee,

I wrote to your H on his other thread. I agree with RIF that getting a good recovery plan going, 1st for each of you individually then for each other (M), w/b a good start.

I would like to add that you take advantage of calling Jennifer C @ MB. Along with reading the books: Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs plus taking the emotional needs questionnaire as given in the concepts section above, it would give your recovery a stable start.

Rebuilding love on both sides is no the immediate place to focus attention. As stated by others, this will come once the tools to rebuild yourself and your M are in place and being practiced by both of you.

There is hurt and needs on both sides. Learn to communicate. That's vital to both recoveries. Read the book His Needs/Her Needs. You will find in addition to your individual issues, learning the basic steps on how to communicate with the other gender (your H) is just as important as what you communicate.

It's a start. You may at times feel you are slipping or not worthy....know that is t/b expected. So please pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

I believe there is a loving man waiting for his loving W to return. That sounds like a lot of love has been buried and needs to be uncovered. Maybe there will be more thare than either of you imagined you had. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In my signature link there are posts for both of you to read. Trueheart's letter to the WS was written while my H was the WS. Please read it. Let Ray know he can read about the 5 stages of grieving. He will see what a BS can go through as they recover. Of course you can both read all the links. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

((((Renee)))

Please take care of yourself. Do you have a good girlfriend you can confide in? Spend as much time with that friend as possible. Please see an IC, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. Spend time with your family if they bring you comfort. Whatever you do, DO NOT spend a lot of time by yourself right now. Email your H every day if you can. Stay far, far away from OM... this will be incredibly hard, but you must... not only for your M, but for your own health and sanity. Believe me, I've been there and I'm still going through it. Much love to you, and please keep posting!

Katie Mae
________
FWW: 32
BH: 33
3 Year EA/PA
D Day: September 13, 2005 (I confessed)

also, if you have a good friend you can confide in, please make sure it's someone who supports you saving your M... while you may feel like you love this OM, don't trust those feelings... he is not the man for you. Please confide in someone who will keep you on the straight and narrow... and try and be with your H as much as possible!

bump

Hi Renee, I am also a fww and I've been loosely following along, so forgive me if I've missed some details here from your husband... basically, I am just responding to you and your pain.

I UNDERSTAND how badly you want to be in love with your husband right now, but there is some work you need to do before this can happen...

First, take the emotional needs questionaire on this site. Find out what your top needs are and let your husband know. Have some faith in this process.... because once your husband better understands what you want/need and how you need it and actually gives it to you (not that he was witholding before, he just didn't know...) you will begin to "feel" for him. You doing the same thing for him would be excellent and give you something to a) focus on and b) work towards balancing the guilt you may be struggling with.

Second, keep to NO CONTACT w/ other man. I am sure having your husband gone is a major trigger for you (my husband travels a lot for work and is gone for only a week at a time but it is a very dangerous trigger for me). As other more experienced FWW's have posted, to help you through this time of withdrawl from the A and this major trigger, every time you feel a "tug", do something to connect you to your husband... send an email (if possible), write a postcard, buy him a little present... help your mind refocus on your husband v om.

Third, start educating yourself on all this... why it happened, what you are going through now (you aren't alone!), and how you REALLY CAN recover those feelings for your husband. Maybe some of the experts can post their links for you -- some have written "guides" for recovering ws's etc. that I found really, really helpful. The emotional needs questionaire on this site was really helpful, all the information about the Love Bank on the site is GREAT, a book refered to in another section that I just read called Private Lies which talks about why people get into affairs is great. His Needs/Her Needs is great... etc.

Renee, you can do this. You sound depressed, and that is not uncommon. You do need IC for that. It is all baby steps.

I hope you will post more. I know how tough this is (my d-day was 7/14/05).

Lots of love and compassion.

Working for more

________________________

FWS (me) - 39
BH - 40
DS - 7, DD - 4
Married 08/10/91
EA/PA '04-'05, D-Day 7/16/05
In IC/MC and working towards recovery

bump, i hope she gets on here, and talks to you, she wants to give up on us, and she hasn't even tried yet.

Bump.
she is reading your replies, but she is still too uncomfortable to post again, so Im not gonna push her, let me just say thank you for both of us.

bumping again. if she doesn't get on here soon, ill just let this thread fade into oblivion...