Yeah, YOU are the deceitful and manipulative one... right!

He is angry. He also thinks he's in love. Have you read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough - I thought you said you did...?

There's something to be said for reverse psychology sometimes, opening that old cage door and "letting him go"... that can be the thing that makes a WH really stop and think "Is that what I want?????"

I will continue to pray for you, you stay strong!

NTL

We're okay.

My son had a very good birthday. After the incident where my husband told me all of those things, he was very sick. He told our son yesterday how sick he was and that he is very afraid of me. He said something about not knowing what I am going to do next.

I have made my peace with God and prayed very hard yesterday morning. Husband was a little distant at first but when he saw how very nice I was being, was nice back.

I do need to get a part time job as we went over our finances yesterday as I showed him what is being paid out every month. We need about 500 extra per month.

My son says that his dad (my husband) is not going to leave.

Your WH is scared of YOU? Why??? I don't get that. He just finds that you are being unpredictable? In what ways?

NTL

Because I have been known to call her and tell her to knock it off. Or could it be that he is afraid that I will kick him out?

My moods come and go, understandably.

A few days I will be so kind and the next day, fly off the handle.

I think that is what he is referring to.

However, I really think his conscious is bothering him BIG TIME as is the guilt but he would never admit that to me.

he got home early and i told him that i had a job
interview on thursday for a job up the street which is
3 hours each day.

he only drank three beers and i had some wine but i
got a lot out in the open and so did he.

i told him how scared i was, how much i cry, how much
i love him---the whole nine yards.

he told me pretty much the same thing about him.

we drank some wine and it was a very romantic evening
but when he got up this morning, i was crying, and he
was upset and said that he feels like his head is
going to explode, kind of schizophrenic is the way he
put it.

he said he is very confused, does not want to hurt
anyone and does not know how to get out of this
situation----all the things i knew deep in my heart
are true.

i will continue to pray and what is sad is that he
feels like God is his enemy but i told him that was
not true.

at least there seems to be some progress being made
this week.

Ahh... he is confused. Feeling schizophrenic?

Prepare for him to want you to make the decision for him... about everything. He will probably become completely overwhelmed by the situation he has gotten himself into.

So, he's officially on the fence cake-eating right now? Be careful about meeting his needs (emotional, conversational, sexual...) while he is in the middle of the affair. I don't want you to start to feel used on top of everything else...

I still don't understand how you are surviving him living in the house, knowing the A is going on...?

NTL

You know what???? I have felt that all along--me make the decision for him. How did you know that and what should I do? I know he is very weak right now and I am the strong one but my being strong is only be the grace of God.

I am giving him his space as much as I can at home because he needs time to be alone and think.

I think he is shocked at how I am holding up and he is also shocked at how much I truly love him. I do not shower him with fluffy talk or intimacy as I have not felt right about it. But lately, I have felt that he needs to know that I still love him very much. Lastnight he asked me why I love him so much.

I also feel that God is working this week because my husband is so sickened by this.

HIs being sick does not sound like someone who is madly in love with another woman because if he were, he would feel wonderful and would have left by now.

You can correct me if I am wrong but this is how I see it.

Oh, you are dead on, alright!

How did I know? I lived it - twice!

What has happened is that he developed feelings for OW that feel romantic and powerful. He cares about her. I know that is hard to hear. See, he had it all justified in his head that his M to you was over on some levels, and so it almost wasn't really cheating, because he has himself convinced it was over anyway, and once the A started he further convinced himself that you would kick him out, divorce him, and never forgive him.

You being loving and doing Plan A has messed up his plan. He hadn't figured that into his equation.

But that's good! That's what makes your situation different from someone who DOES kick him out, file for D, and never forgive him or want to work on the marriage! Those people end up... divorced. At least from what I can tell, assuming that stay that course.

See, now he is forced to reconsider the whole situation, what he wants in light of this new information, and yet he is still all fogged in by his feelings for OW. This is what is making him feel sick. Now he's going to have to hurt somebody, OW or you. SOMETIMES it takes you agreeing "Ok, I guess if you say it's over I'm going to respect that." for him to panic that you really are not going to be in his life! HOPEFULLY it won't quite come to that, but often it does. It did for me, twice.

God is working this week... God is always working. It is hard to understand why this is happening I know. But look how it brings intimacy and strength to your relationship with God. And when it is all said and done, THAT relationship is the one that matters most. And your WH will SEE that relationship, will SEE God in you, and you will be like a light to him. Have you ever listened to Chris Rice's music? He has a song called "Home Tonight" - it's on the CD "Smell the Color 9"... if you get a chance, this song embodies what God will be to him, and what Plan A is all about, what you want to be to him also. Maybe you can listen to it on Amazon or something...

You are doing well with Plan A I think, you are going to be okay.

You re right but I just cannot see how he would choose her over me and the kids.

Lastnight, he came home and was okay but a little tense. Example when he was eating his dinner, I was in deep thought about what I was writing (grocery list) and he assumed I was staring at him which I was not.

I just do not know how he expects me to help him out of this situation because I don't think he would ever admit that to me.

He comes home every night and still sleeps in our bed. I would think that if someone is having an affair, they would not want to do this. Also, if he was "really" in love with this woman, wouldn't he have a better attitude/mood?

He's too confused inside to have a better attitude and mood. That's how you KNOW he is having an affair, his conscience is tormented.

I cannot see how he would choose her over you & the kids either; and he probably won't.

If you have time, SadMommy05 has posts on GQII alot like your situation except new baby instead of older kids, and he has moved out of the house.

Otherwise you two seem to be at a similar stage - ongoing A, confused but no longer as hostile WH,...

You might want to check out her posts. I told her she might want to read yours also.

Keep posting, NTL

I had the most incredible nine hours lastnight and
this morning.

Honestly, I don't know what has gotten into my husband
but it was incredible.

Okay--this will sound corny but sometimes I believe
that actions can replace words.

He kissed me so much and continuously stared into my
eyes, and held me all night and we both cried. We have never, ever had
a night like this.

And he is very calm today and my kids even noticed.

I pray this is God working.

That's wonderful - BUT, has he fully admitted to the A, and is he ready and willing to do No Contact and send her a NC letter????

You will have to require that at some point.

IF he agrees to that, you can move into the recovery stage. If not, you must continue with Plan A and keep reading about the timing of Plan B.

I pray this is God working also, I'm sure it is, but this isn't over yet.

NTL

I am just so shocked at how the weekend went.

Even the kids noticed the change. We talked about many things in general but not about the A.

I have a feeling that it is dwindling down.

I think I may have stated that right before I found out, he was talking to her for 800-900 minutes per month on the cell phone!!!!

From mid-Sept. to now, it has only been 90 minutes. My friend thinks he is letting her down easy.

I know that God answers prayer and I think I am finally seeing the results. He was not a nervous wreck this weekend and he did not really drink or smoke a lot like he did the last few weeks.

I know this will take time to sort out. When I read at this site that once an affair is exposed, it takes about six months for it to really fizzle. Wow--it has been just under 8 weeks here and it seems like an eternity. This is by far the hardest fight of my life.

I am so glad I found this forum.

Hsmomx3, I'm glad the weekend went well.
How on earth did you manage to not bring up the A? Not that I think that's bad right now, I'm just surprised you could do it! I would have had a hard time with that!

Sounds like your plan A is working well - we'll be here when it's going well and if it isn't;
I don't know if the preferred method of ending an A on MB is the 6-month fizzle or not... is it? That just seems like a lot of pressure on you, to have to know that he's talking to her etc while remaining in the home with him?

At any rate, the progress sounds great.
I'm glad you found this forum, too. Keep posting & praying!
NTL

I do not know how I managed not to bring it up but I really feel that he was trying to tell me something.

This might sound corny but those nine hours were the best in our marriage. the way he kept staring into my eyes and kissing me--wow. I will not get into any other details because I did not expect the events of the evening/morning. I started to cry and so did he. He wiped my tears away, etc. He even told me that he loved me and I said that I knew that. I thought for sure that when all was said and done he would be in a rotten mood the rest of the day/weekend.

He was not--he was in a good mood. He did not call her during the day and he did not call her yesterday. Just one 10 minute call which I refuse to get upset over. He did not call her all of last week either.

This to me is real progress.

He is not the type to cut someone off just like that. He will do it gradually and I think this is evident.

And when he comes home, he stays home which to me means a lot.

All I can honestly say is that God is working wonders. I know that there will be good days and bad days ahead.

I don't know about the six month fizzle either but it has only been 7 weeks since I found out. It seems to be fizzling based on the calls.

It doesn't sound corny... do you ever watch those crazy wifeswap tv shows? How the H&W just hug & cry and are all gaga for each other after living with their complete opposite for the 2 weeks? It's way different emotionally then just being apart for 2 weeks... the WS really SEES what he could be missing if he leaves his spouse. It can be a real wake-up call. For your H, I just want it to last. I don't want him to call OW in a weak moment, and have relapses and problems, and you be upset, etc etc...

You just listen to God's voice about what to bring up and what to let go. God works wonders, and He will give you answers if you ask for them.
[color:"brown"]
James 1:2-8 Dear brothers and sisters,whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do. [/color]

Good night,
NTL

This is amazing.

When he got home lastnight the first thing he did is
ask about my new job, etc.

We talked until about 1AM and had a little fun outside
but fell asleep pretty fast once we went to bed.

I cannot get over this sudden change!!

Thank God!!!

Another reason why I think this is dwindling down. Remember, I found out about the A on August 25th.

Cell phone usage by him to her number:

July 21-August 20 832 minutes
August 21-Sept. 20 336 minutes

Sept 21 - present 102 minutes with 48 of those
minutes being for the first 18 days of October. Things started to turn around so to speak October 12th.

And he hasn't said why and you haven't asked?

At some point, if he does end the A, he is going to have to be honest and take responsibility for it; you are going to have some painful feelings to work through when the relief is over.

Have the two of you discussed the A? Do you think he will be open to MC once the A is completely over?

When you talk until 1am, do you talk about your relationship, its past problems, things you have each discovered?

NTL

wow--things are still going pretty good here--thank the Lord!!

i am in total shock at how good of a mood he is in, always asking me about my day when he comes home, and has been more romantic than ever before.

no, i have not asked if the a is still going on but i do want to know. i would think it has fizzled because of his actions over the last week. i feel like i am dreaming--that is how good it has been and the kids have even noticed the change in him.