when we talk, we talk of so many things---we even cry but he did tell me something interesting.

he said he has a super strict conscious and that there have been times in his life where he just went off the deep end and engaged in stuff he normally would not do because it was an escape, it was for the thrill of the moment and driven by emotions.

not sure if he was referring to the affair but it sure seemed like it.

Hmmm... sounds like he's doing some soul searching. I hope he comes to the point where he can discuss is openly so you two can start the recovery process.

NTL

Yes, I do believe he has done some soul searching.

He has been a changed man in the last week. The kids are happier and talking to him a lot more than before, and he is so nice and caring with me.

He did admit the A in late August but this is a time where I think the power of prayer has prevailed.

And I have had a few nights of some much deprived sleep.

Do you ever have days where you need to have someone tell you whether or not you are crazy not knowing/knowing if the affair has ended? I find myself not asking yet because things have been going so good.

I am afraid to ask him if he is still carrying on and
considering the type of person he is (will not hurt
anyone), he will let someone (her?) down easily.

He has been a totally different person these last 10
or so days. For the good based on my previous posts above.

Of course you know how we've fared (is this the proper
term?) in our private moments.

He is also feeling better knowing that we have a
little extra income coming in as we are in such debt.

I was talking to a lady at church who just went thru
the same thing. She told me she handled it way
different than I am. She said she just screamed, etc.
at her husband.

She said the key for me is to be strong which I am
doing and to be very kind, which I am.

She seems to think that he is re-evaluating what he
has done or is doing and it sounds like things will
work out for us.

I guess I don't doubt it as he does say in our most
private moments that he loves me.

I guess I get into my moments like now where I need
some confidence.

Something that bugged me when I found out about the affair, he said something like: "it's not what you think."

About a month ago, i told him that maybe I should be checked for an STD and he told me, 'believe me, you definitely do not have a disease."

Does this mean they have not had relations?

Very strange when I look back on it.

It's me... long story.

Let me guess... the screaming lady at church ended up divorced?

I do think that you two need to talk openly about what has happened and what has not happened. He needs to realize that only the TRUTH here will help save your M. The whole truth. You can deal with the truth, together. What is hard to deal with is incomplete information and speculation. That is scary and hurtful, breeds mistrust and hinders emotional intimacy.

MSO

Gosh, this is a slow process and requires so much patience.

I know that once she gets a hold of him (at work) he would be a little distant but he is still so nice to us.

He told me today that no one knows what is in his mind and that he is glad his parents know that he is having an affair.

He is nuts at times!!!!

Okay, it has been under two months since I discovered this and he has known her for two years (at work).

A part of me wishes he would find another jobn but I know she is manipulating what he thinks, etc.

At least he does not stay out all night and is home by 9PM every week night.

I am as nice as can be and not feeding her or him any ammunition to stray the opposite direction.

He took time off to spend for each of the kids b'days.

HSmomx3,
Sounds like things are going okay, but if he is so open now to you about the fact that he is having an affair, what is your response when he says things like that?

Are you okay with him carrying on with her on the side as long as he is home in bed with you? Because that is the situation that seems to be set up now... who knows how long that can continue.

Does he have ANY sense of how he has hurt you and what this has done to your marriage and your trust of him? It would be nice to see some remorse from him and a CHANGE in behavior...

Do you have any sense that if he ends this A, that if he does not do a lot more to uncover WHY it happened and be open with you that it can happen all over again someday?

It is not reasonable for you to condone their continuing to work together. He will need to find another job and do no contact with her or there is great danger of the A re-igniting even after he breaks it off, which he obviously has not done yet.

I hope you know that I ask these questions in love, to bring about the changes necessary for you and your H to have a lasting and happy marriage.

MSA/NTL

I think I have figured out a pattern here:

At least for now.

Right before he calls her, he begins to drink and then
he drinks heavily.

Example. He did not drink all day Saturday until just
after I went to bed (11:30PM), and then shortly
thereafter he talked to her for 15 minutes.

Yesterday, he drank heavily and called her while I was
in the house but that call was for 2 minutes.

I am not going to have any alcohol in the house for a
long time. I'll bet you any amount of $$$ that she has
convinced him that I am bad for him but what do I
know. Things were going so well for almost two weeks
and now this. I know there will be ups and downs but
I do not know how this affair will end considering he
sees her every day. He was out til 9PM Saturday night
and that is when I noticed he was more tense than he
had been in awhile.

SOmething has got to give and he told me that I could
never get her fired whatever that means. I wish I
could talk to his boss and have him removed from that
property but he would kill me.

And here is what a friend of mine said:

her words: "As far as Doug, it seems he is trying to keep away from her but then he falls and needs to talk to her. He is not strong enough to resist, but it is very very bad he sees her where he works!!!!" I think she is right.

Remember the cell calls went from a high of 840 minuts back in August to about 15 minutes each weekend as of October.

No, the screaming lady at church is still married and he did end the affair.

No, I am not happy with this at all.

On the flip side, I do not want to give this home wrecker the satisfaction if I were to kick him out because she has told him how much she loves him and will wait an eternity for him.

I pretty much have learned not to react to some of the things he says because I know that it is her influencing him.

On the positive side:

He always comes home by 9PM, stays home, etc. and from all indications, he is not leaving, no divorce, and still says he loves me.

I think he is a weak person because he does not know how to deal with her. He has told me this. And by his not calling her so much would indicate to me that he is trying to distance himself from her.

I mean, if a person was truly in love with someone, wouldn't they want to be with the person all night, everyday, talk to them all the time, etc? He has never spent the night anywhere except at home.

And this is his first time in this situation and it is eating away at him. I know that when he sees her, he feels worse than if he is not with her.

What the heck does this mean?

I told him I should be checked for STD's and he told me I definitely DO NOT have an STD.

Does this mean they are not doing anything?

Also, how many men who are having affairs sleep with their wives at least 3x/week? All strange to me.

HSmomx3, I think it means that he thinks OW does not have any STD's. I would not trust that knowledge on his part, he cannot know.

My H and I had a normal relationship in the bedroom throughout the entire period of the relapse when he was sleeping with her too... it is strange, and painful, but possible. I had no idea he was cheating on me.

He is torn. He will probably sit on the fence until someone else decides for him... meaning you or OW gets sick of waiting for him to decide. Things may become very clear to him once one of you does.

As you know, I have been working part time. The kids
are behaving poorly, esp. since finding out about
Doug's affair. They fight like crazy, things are
being destroyed in the house and Doug does not get
home until 9PM.

I talked to him lastnight and his solution is that
they are going to have to learn some responsibility
and that there is not a darned thing he can do about
it.

I started to cry and said I have been a failure as a
mother because of the way they act. He told me not to
play my violins.

Later on in the middle of the night, I stretched in
bed and accidentally touched his leg. He got overly
excited and told me to stay on my side of the bed and
to give him space. I told him I did not mean to do
that and I was way over on my side. Of course I cried
the rest of the night.

I am not going to have his breakfast or dinner on the
table and yes, I am going to hire a PI to find out
what the ****** he is doing. I don't care what he
thinks but he cannot continue to have his cake and eat
it too.

I am very scared right now because we are in a tight
money situation.

Please pray for us.

Please check yourself anyway with your OB. Get yourself tested for HPV. This virus can be transmitted by hand contact - doesn't have to be intercourse - even if the person uses a condom. The man can't be tested for this - he will show no systems - neither will you.

A pap smear will detect this. Highly contagious. If left undetected can lead to cancer for woman. There is no medicine to cure this. Lots of people don't know about this. Very important. I know what I am talking about.
Look up information on this on the internet.

((((((((((((((((((HSMOMX3))))))))))))))))))))))

You are seeing firsthad the importance of complete and utter No Contact with OW for your H.

When contact with OW is less or eliminated, things go well with the two of you. He talks to her on the phone etc, and all of a sudden things are not well at home.

Hiring a PI is probably a good idea if you don't have the means to snoop yourself or friends to do it. I sure thought the digital voice recorder taped under the front car seat is brilliant, I wish I had thought about that one or read it here earlier...would have caught the A & relapse much earlier with all their cellphone conversations.

All of his reactions sound like a confused, fence-sitting WS. I'm so sorry. Things seemed promising for a bit there, I know. They will be again if he can get to NC with OW.

I am praying for you.

Post deleted by stop_the_drama

How nice to have my cheating husband giving you advise after all the hurt he has caused me. Refusing to have not contact with the OW. He can certainly have her transfered - but at this point he is afraid it will not happen because his organization doesn't want a scandal.

He doesnt' realize how degrading, disrespectfull it is to have him working with her - day after day - after they have been intimate. He could find another job if needed, I could even go back to work to make up the difference in the salary - but he flat out refuses to change jobs. Said, I can't tell him what to do. No woman can tell him what to do.

I have just about given up. I'm doing all the work in rebuilding our marriage. He doesn't care enough. I asked him what was more important his job or marriage. He couldn't answer me. I got my answer.

First of all, soooohurt I didn't see that you were posting at the same time as me; otherwise I'm going to keep my post to your WH the same for now... ?


I completely disagree. A man can be COMPLETELY dedicated to stopping the A, and in moments of weakness in his own recovery be pulled back into the affair. It is a very real possibility. There is a reason why MB takes NC so seriously. It is a real threat to the M.



Yeah, maybe I guess, but who wants to be punished??? We want to be HEALED! Also, this is unfortunately not USUALLY the way things end up, it is much more likely that the OP will coax the WS back into the affair than serve as a visual reminder of past mistakes and fantasies.



Truer words were never spoken. A's are about addictive feelings, not sex or love in most/many cases. OP's are frequently less "physically attractive" than the BS. This is usually initially shocking to the BS, as they have assumed the A began because of physical attraction. People who don't know much about affairs usually assume A's are about sex and lust. There certainly do exist that type of A's, but "romantic A's" or "Split self A's" are about how the OP makes the WS FEEL. .



If they are lucky, this will happen before they destroy their own life, their spouse's life, the OP's life the OPS's life, and all the children's lives involved.


This is the "only thing that matters"? It's important, I don't think it's the only thing that matters.



True. Forgiveness is a process. Recovery takes time. Rebuilding trust takes time. The BS must be able to bring up their pain for the purpose of working through it WITHOUT lovebusting! Dramatic episodes help NO ONE.

I see this is your first post, what is your sitch?

MSA

Post deleted by stop_the_drama