I am "stop the drama's wife" in above post, my husband forgot to mention that the secretary sits next to his office every day and to me that is contact. Yes he admitted that the affair is over. But, the two of them together is degrading and disrespectfull to me. My husband said he is the boss and I will not tell him what to do. What he says goes, his way or no way.

So far as his career, he has changed jobs many times over the years. He is a professional and can get a job in his field if he would actively look for something else. If he quit and got a lesser paying job - I told him I can go back to work immediately to make up any difference in salary. I left my job 3 years ago to care for my father with Parkinson's disease.

At this point, the secretary is probably not going to be transfered because his company is afraid of a scandal, which the OW might cause.

I am trying so hard to make this marriage work. Today we hit an alltime low. I asked him what was more important his job or our marriage - he couldn't answer me. I got my answer. That is why I am here in the middle of the night in tears typing away asking for help.

Please someone knock some sense into his head about how someone feels with the OW working by him side by side after they were intimite. He thinks it's no big deal.

First of all, let me say that I am ELATED that you are both here where people can help you. Stop the Drama and soooohurt, I would suggest starting a thread on the Recovery Board or the General Questions for a couple reasons. First of all, there are people who can help you there and you will get more input on your situation. Second, we don't want to threadjack HSMOMX3's thread here and turn it into something else. I am going to go over to the Recovery board and start a thread for you guys, and I hope you do come over and post. There is so much help there.

Sooooohurt, I understand precisely. Stop_The_Drama, I understand your sitch too, because we have been there. I know you think you are stronger than the A, and maybe you are. But if you are serious about recovery with your W, it's important to negotiate. I believe in my heart there is a way for you to not ruin your career progress and yet honor your marriage. God rewards those who choose to do the right thing, I believe that. My H was so worried about his career-progress that he stayed in the job, and then the relapse happened (and he was as committed as anyone could be)...and then OW said she was pregnant. Please look over the POJA on this site. I'm going over to Recovery... hope to see you there!

MSA

HSMomX3, how are you today?

I am better today.

After hearing more of what he told the girls, and after talking at length with my son, we are almost convinced that he has some sort of mental illness such as bi-polar disease.

My daughter later told me more of what he told them. He told them that he never loved me, loves her like no other, does not know if he really is a Christian, is only here because of them, feels everyone should be responsible for themselves (which includes me and the kids) because he is tired of all of us being dependent on him, told them that five years from now, we will all look back on this and laugh about it.

What prompted this? Because I came to him with the way the kids have been behaving while I am at work. He said there was nothing he can do about it.

I don't know how he would get help because he is certainly on edge and his mood changes from day to day.

Yesterday, when all of this happened, I had to run out as I had a hair appt.

My son was asleep thru this ordeal and woke up as husband was leaving for work. He was as nice as can be toward my son as if nothing happened.

Lastnight, I thought for sure he would stay out much later than 9PM, or that he would not come home at all. I was wrong as he came home by 8:30, and when he came home I did not look or talk to him at all, didn't even have his dinner waiting.

This morning I stayed in bed right up to the time he would eat his breakfast. Of course, I did not get that either. He was getting quite mad because he could not find the cereal, etc. I ended up getting his grapefruit, cereal, etc.

I also thought that maybe he should even do his own laundry but then I thought that if he has a mental illness, this would not help the situation.

So for a good one day, we really have not spoken.

I am not sure what to do except for me to lay low. I know that he is lashing out at me in a very cruel way and trying to make me look like the bad guy in front of the kids only to avert his own guilt for what he is doing.

About two weeks ago, he really cried and told me that he was just as scared as I was and that he did not know how he was going to deal with everything. Because he broke down to me, I truly believe(d) that he was trying to tell me that he did not know what to do about her. It was about this time or a little before that the weekday calls to her came to a halt.

I will keep you posted as to how we are.

Fortunately, the kids are smart enough to know that he continually contradicts himself or does not make sense. I am so sorry they have to hear what he says or go thru this.

I assured them that I was right here with them and that their Dad really does love them and that he really does not hate me like he says he does.

Thanks Mrs. Stowaway,

Thanks for directing my stuff to "The Recovery" section - I've gotten a lot of advice from people.

Good luck to everyone on this thread.

Drama,
I have been struggling with the situation of my WH working at same company with OW. they worked same shift rightacross from each other and it made NC impossible for him. Also made his "fog" quite strong at times and would set back what little progress we could make in our marriage. Though she has transfered to 3rd shift, if WH works late or overtime, there is the opportunity for contact or just glances that can be dangerous.
I can NOT ask my husband to leave his job as I know the reality for him in this industry and his lack of education -vs- experience , he is fortunate to be where he is.
Your BS is expressing her pain and insecurity to you. You have affected her entire being with your selfish behaior, and she will need continuous understanding and support from you if you are to help her recover. I do not know how the 2 of you can find a way to negotiate an agreeable solution to this, but somehow you need to find a way to talk about it and reach an acceptable conclusion.
Have you guys tried to do the negotiation steps they have here? It is something I have been recently trying to do with my H and it has been helpful , though he has not gotten as far into it as I have.
I wish you both the best and hope you can find a way to both be happy together.

Be Well, Harmonie

stop_the_drama...I have been reading your posts as well as your wife's on another forum here.

May I ask...Do you understand why you had your A yet? And do you honestly believe that because you are "over it" that your spouse should be over it too? That it is just that easy? And do you honestly believe the OW can be over this as well, after claiming being in "love" with you to your spouse?

My H's has 2 PA affairs. Everyday for the past 2 years has been recovery time.

holiday

Thanks Harmonie and Holiday,

My husband and I have our ups and down at this point. He got chewed out by a lot of people in the Recovery section (Soooohurt and Stop the Drama). It's very difficult for me to deal with him and the OW in the workplace. For, you see, she told me she was in love with him and wanted to marry him. Stab in my heart!

He constantly assures me he is not in love with her, wants nothing to do with her - ever. I have to believe him for my sanity and because I loved him from the start and will forever. He refuses at this point to leave his job - not that he couldn't get another. I am waiting for her to get transfered - that may never happen. I have given him a deadline for the transfer. I have to know something by December.

Every situation is different. My husband can get another job and I also can go back to work to make up the difference if his salary was less. I have been out of work because my dad has Parkinson's. The difference in my situation is, he refuses to leave his job. This is what makes me worry.

Until then, it's a constant struggle with my "branded in my mind" visions of them being together in the past.

He wrote kind an an apology in the section we are in. You can keep up with our progress in that section. If you'd like please write there so we don't clog up this section with our stuff. It's great to talk to people and air your feelings. Thanks again.

Good luck to everyone.

Just wanted all of you to know that we are okay.

My daughter is still very upset about the hurtful things he said the other day and I am as well.

Since then, he has been cordial and is still coming home.

One good thing is that he DOES NOT WANT TO DRINK--this is a step in the right direction.

Now if he can only get out of the darkness that surrounds him in his A.

I have been praying diligently as are other family members and friends.

Thanks for listening.

HSMomX3 - oh my. At the VERY LEAST your H needs some professional advice on what kids do and do not need to know when their parent's marriage has problems. I know your kids are 11, 13, & 15, but that is still not nearly life-experienced enough to deal with what their Dad is telling them. It broke my heart when my WH told our then-10-year-old DD that he cared about me but didn't love me anymore, etc etc... of all the things I wish we could take back, that one awful night when he told her he was unhappy and we might "break up" was unbelievable horrifying.

No one should have a D-Day at 10 years old! She has rebounded beautifully, but I'm deeply saddened that she had to go through that and for it's longer term de-stabalizing effects. I believe a kid should be able to take the stability of their parents/family completely for granted. I always could growing up. That has been taken from your kids and mine, and I am so sorry for them all.

I am glad he doesn't want to drink. You don't need other addictions muddying the waters and clouding his judgement right now.

I will be praying that he sees the value and necessity of NC to save his marriage and family.

MSA/NTL

he has been okay but placed three calls today

midnight--5 minutes
1AM 13 minutes
and while I was at church 13 minutes

this is ridiculous!

Correction--it appears that this third call while I was at church is a result of her calling him and leaving a message on his voicemail.

So far I think I have been handling it okay but it is soooo hard.

Some questions though:

If he really loved her, wanted to be with her, etc. wouldn't he be calling her more now that I know, and wouldn't he want to be out very late and/or stay out all night?

Why hasn't he left?

Is it really because he does not want to?

This woman is sooo determined to take my husband away. He has been calling her a lot less than before I knew about the A.

Also, he has been nice since his blowup.

He took the kids out yesterday and took them out again today.

There are some times where I get really low and depressed and begin to really cry over this. Today is one of my low days so to speak.

Also, he and I have not been intimate in over a week. This is his doing even though he has not said anything but I will put money on it that she probably told him not to be intimate with me.

Hsmomx3

I am praying for you. Be strong. I am in recovery, but I remember vividly the point where you are. I am relatively new here, but I wonder..has anyone advised you to "leave him wondering" ?

There is a great post, possibly in general question from a poster named ark. I know that you in Plan A, but a little help that might leave him thinking that you COULD live without him, might be the boost you need.

It ended up helping me.

Blessings,

Eibrab

HSMOMX3,
yeah, isn't it weird that the OW can get the WH to commit not to "cheat" on her with his W?????????? SO WEIRD! But it happens. I KNOW that is how OW saw it when H slept with me during our recovery & then his relapse.

Do you really want to be intimate with him when he is going back & forth between the two of you??? STD's, pregnancy, and just the sheer pain of it... it was the one thing my H spared me the first time around when he was cheating on me, we were only "intimate" once or so for that 6 weeks which was very unusual for us but he had just started AD's and was blaming it on them (still says he did have problems when first on AD's, even with OW) so that I was trying to be understanding. NEVER in my wildest imagination did I think it was because he was having an affair. I know your H denies sleeping with OW right now probably, don't believe him.

He is on the fence. Read every fence-sitting, cake-eating Plan A post here that you can, as well as reviewing your Dr. Dobson and Harvey's "When the One You Want Wants to Leave" for some ideas on how to handle his moods and predictably unpredictable-ness.

We are praying for you.

Have you seen your dr. to maybe get on AD's? It can be important in Plan A, Plan B & early recovery. They don't take the pain away, but they can take the edge off. Are you sleeping well? Probably horrible dreams for both of you.

When my H was away, I had the nightmares. When we were in recovery, he did. Guilt-ridden, tense, chaotic nightmares. Not love-dreams, sexy with OW - oh, no. Nothing like that. Moral dilemma, marriage pickle, dreaming he's lying again, guilty, horrible tumultuous nightmares. Yuck.

Stay strong.

He did not have one drop of alcohol all
weekend--that was a good thing. he did not call her
lastnight or throughout the day yesterday but did call
her after checking his voice messages because she
called him.

Today I thanked him for taking the kids out both days
over the weekend. i also thanked him for being nice
to me this weekend. he was like "what?" and of
course, i started to cry and said that after the
things he said the other day-----he said sometimes i
have a way about me that drives him nuts and forces
him to say the things he did. apparently he is not
sorry for what he said but the bottom line is that it
hurt more than just me--he hurt the girls, esp. sarah.

i figured if he wanted to leave or a divorce, he would
have done it all or proposed it by now.

My son is so convinced that he will not leave or ask
for a divorce. As a matter of fact, my son told me that my husband does not plan on divorce unless I want one. Pretty strange, huh? This tells me he does not want to be with OW that bad.

Something interesting my son told me today.

He and I have these weekly lunches--just the two of
us. He has been a great strength to me these last few
months.

He told me that awhile back he asked his dad if he was
going to file for divorce. He told him he was not
unless I wanted to divorce him.

I thought he would want it but apparently he doesn't.
I think the other woman is pushing for that and more.

Di

How would I leave him wondering and in what ways????

I have not told him I loved him lately and we have not been intimate in two weeks.

Eibrab can correct me, but I believe she means leave him wondering about everything... whether you love him anymore, whether you do love him but have decided to leave this toxic relationship, whether you are relieved to move on, whether you are starting to think someone else might take care of you better or be better for you, whether you want to mess with all of his problems anymore, whether you've met someone new, whether you are just anxious to D and then meet someone new later... all of the above - how did I do Eibrab??

So in other words carry on and pretend he does not exist?

Oh--I want to know what she looks like and what my friend and I were going to do is go to the pediatricians office where she works long before my husband gets to work and say we are new in town and get some info on the doctor's office. Then we will ask for the name of the ofc manager which I beleive is her and see what she looks like. This would be a hoot!!!!

Scarily (it IS Halloween), she may already know what YOU look like... I hate that! But it's true. Her morbid curiousity kicked in before yours potentially.

As far as pretend he does not exist, well, of course you have children together. But you just portray the image that you are strong, you deserve and demand a certain (high) level of respect, you have self-respect, be calm cool & collected, and project kind of a non-chalant attitude toward everything he says and does.

Have you read SadMommy's post? Her H is about to file, or she is. Reminds me of your situation. She's on General Questions.

MSA